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**harlequindoll** · June 23, 2016, 10:37 AM

Okay, first of all, take a moment and just think and try to imagine your life without her.
Now, she has stated she is willing to leave everything behind to be with you. As a woman living in the states who is also in an LDR with a European, I can tell you that I have told my SO the exact same thing. I am strong, smart and capable of creating a new life for myself in Germany with my beloved. Now, your lady sounds very smart, strong, and independent. What makes you think that she won't be able to build a new life there with you? She will likely blow you away with how well she adapts. If not, you two will approach it together isn't that the way a partnership works?
Sounds like you are just spiraling through all of the things and not seeing clearly with your heart that this is not going to fail. You cannot think that way or you might create that reality. That is the danger.
Think about how wonderful it will be to combine your lives. Yes, she wants kids by a specific age, but that is years in the distance. You have time to figure that out.

Lastly though, it's good you are looking at everything; it shows you really are invested.
I say take a step back and listen to your heart, and those deep instincts within you. NOT your fears; NOT your insecurities. Build on the positive and it CANNOT fail!!

**WarwickGuy** · June 23, 2016, 12:08 PM

As harlequindoll says, positivity is key! If she loves her current life, but is prepared to move to the UK, then she obviously loves you a lot; she must feel that to truly love her life she needs you

As for children, although I cannot speak from personal experience, it may seem like you're not ready and unnatural for now. However, if your relationship continues and you love each other, you close the distance and live with one another, it may well feel like the next natural step in 3/4 years. My girlfriend has a time frame by the end of which she wants to gets married due to her culture. To me, knowing there is that deadline it does make me nervous (like will we be in a good financial position? When will the distance close?) as it brings the far off future into the now. I know however that what seems nerve wracking now, will feel fine and natural in the future.

Just saw you commented about marriage (damn UK laws about spouses staying here). Well, how do you feel? Do you want to marry her? If you want to marry her then don't be worried. No guarantee things will be easy, but being positive and supporting one another, you can do well

**C.C.** · June 23, 2016, 01:09 PM

Originally posted by abc12345 View Post

Most of the time we are good together and everything is fine, but every once in a while things are not. Ever since the first time I went to see her, she has had times when she has shown she does not trust me. Add to this both of us have a tendency to take things personally when we say things as a bit of a joke. This means that there have been a number of times when we have just gone silent to each other, and wasted a whole day/night being upset at each other, until we finally kiss and make up and carry on. Each time it happened we got over it, but it made me a little bit sadder inside.

Relationships aren't without issues, nor without fights. Do you want it to be? Or are the fights really that awful to affect you that much?
Maybe you are exaggerating everything? Besides trusting someone isn't as simple thing, you might trust someone with your whole heart, but there might still be particular aspects of a person you might not trust. And certain situations make it sound like you don't trust a person's judgement for things, heck, there might not even be actual lack of trust but anger speaking instead.
Though it's your relationship and you know the best. Just pay attention to whether there are actual problems or just things you exaggerate.
And for some reason, I can't imagine a woman, who wants to start a new life with you, not trusting you as much.

Secondly I can see she loves her current life in her country. She is independent, gets well paid in her job, has lots of family, friends, and is always driving around being busy in her beautiful car, which she would need to sell if she were to leave. She is ready to leave everything just to be with me as she loves me - but I can't help but feel that she will end up being unhappy. I will be the only person she knows here. This makes me feel under pressure to make sure everything works. If it doesn't I can just carry on, but she would have lost a lot. (Yes I have thought about joining her instead, but it doesn't feel like the right time for me to leave, even though I always said I want to live in a different country)

Oh now, now.
What does it take to make you feel happy? What does it take to fulfill you?
A beautiful car? A good job?
All I have ever wanted in my life is to find one who understands me, loves me for who I am, and mainly is my partner in things I have always wanted to do. Which involves traveling in my case as well. I have always wanted to find a person with whom I could share my life with.
And I love my family, my life, I am not independent yet yes but it will hurt to leave it nevertheless. However, there is a certain time, when we all want to leave our places and create a family of our own.
Has she ever expressed that she wants to stay? That she is not ready to be with you?
If she says that she really wants to come and live with you, then it's what she wants. She's an adult, do you think she hasn't considered all that? But you know what? Most likely to her you are worth it all, and as said above, if she's as independent and strong, she'll be able to build a new life, maybe even a better one.

Thirdly she wants to have children by the time she is 35/36 latest so within 3/4 years time. I know I want to have them at some point but I don't have a specific time frame, just when the time is right. Again feels like more pressure.

You are worrying about something that's years down the road. Do you think she'd not consider your position as well just because she said so if she knew neither of you are ready?

Fourthly we need to get married to stay together. Again this feels like pressure and scares me - what if I make the wrong decision?

No matter how much you worry about it, it will never change the fact: You'll never know how everything will end up. Do you know what is the right decision? The one that seems right for you. Think about it with a clear mind, the mind which is neither clouded with too much feelings and emotions, and the one that is NEITHER clouded with too much worries.

So all these things is my HEAD telling me; it won't work and the fact I am even thinking all of this means its more likely to fail, simply because I think it will. And that I should be 100% sure about making big decisions like this. Maybe I am just not ready and need to grow up/mature a bit more?

NO. Most of the people are like you, many people feel as nervous, anxious, etc. And it's the type of person you are. Thinking about all this determines nothing about its success or failure. But do you know what does? How you'll deal with everything, how much you will let it get to you, how much you'll differentiate between actual and exaggerated worries that are caused by an anxiety that big decisions as such bring.

On the other side my HEART is telling me forget about all this stuff - the fact is we both love each other. She has qualities I will probably never see in anyone else. We will make it work one way or another. If we do finish now then I will possibly lose her for ever.

Your heart is half-right, just as much as your head is. You shouldn't let irrational worries make you lose someone you truly love. Neither should you let your feelings cloud actual worries.

AND MAINLY. Talk to her. This decision goes two ways. You've got doubts? You are afraid? Let her assure you. Let yourself hear her opinions about everything.
I don't mean to directly tell her that you have got doubts or something, just slowly talk about each and every thing that worries you. Hear her views, her opinions. Especially about her current life, her reasons for wanting to come with you.
You are not in this alone, don't bear the pressure alone.
And and change your approach about feeling that you'll make her unhappy. It's up to her to decide what she wants, what makes her happy, and whether possible failures are worth it in the end. You have enough on your plate already.

I love people like you, I showed your post to my SO, and his immediate response was "Is this guy me".
He broke up with me few months ago, because he felt awful about our fights and he was afraid that he'd only keep hurting me. He is the type who worries about everything, who feared the little things, we had trust issues as well to an extent.
Do you know what happened?
He felt AWFUL afterwards, he didn't want to lose me.
And I felt empty AS HELL, without him, even if I tried to go out of house more, have fun and enjoy the environment around me more. I got to know new people as well. But it didn't fill me up even a bit even if my life is quite good.
We are back together now, and it's been AWESOME. And now we realise how many of the issues that got in the way before were just silly and how we messed up back then. There are still some yes, but things don't get resolved overnight. Doesn't mean it's not worth to fight for them.
I understand it's hard, I am young but making such decisions seems like the scariest thing to me right now. But either way, stay strong and you'll figure it out soon enough, I am sure :3

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