LDR seems to be making my gf unwell

[soonasatsuma]

Ok, so hi, none of you know me, but I came here seeking help. So my gf and I 'met' online. She's in Texas, and I in Scotland, and our relationship seems to be triggering her anxiety badly. We've never met, and it felt like we never would, until we started a fundraiser. However it seems that, now we're getting close, she's started cutting, having night terrors and suffering badly. I don't know how to comfort her, or if I should call it a day with her, as I hate that she's going through so much (not only is the distance upsetting her, but she's freaking out that it won't work even when we are together). I should add I do NOT want to end it, but you know, sometimes, if you love someone you should set them free. I just... I don't know how long I can put her through this for, while I wait to see if she improves.

[R&R]

You can only do so much. If she is having such severe issues, she needs to seek the help of a professional who is trained to work with her and assist her in learning how to manage her anxiety. Though I don't have anxiety, from what I understand (and others on here who have anxiety can gladly jump in here), it is something that really shouldn't be handled on her own but with a professional. Maybe you can kindly suggest that to her?

[Miasmata]

Things like depression, strong anxiety, etc. aren't simply small issues or personality traits - They are illnesses, just of the mental kind, and just like you'd see a physician for a stronger physical illness, it's usually smart to see a mental health professional about a mental illness. A relationship can't replace proper, focused help, and you as a partner should never ever try to replace a therapist! You can be a tremendous support, and that matters a ton too, but if someone is being this upset over the idea of meeting up with a loved one, there seem to be some deeper, serious issues at play. Let her know that you are there for her, but that what she's going through isn't healthy and she should consider seeking help.

[SashaSmithy]

I was dating someone with anxiety and PTSD and sad to say as much as I wanted to be the one to fix his problem, the truth is that we can't. Personal such as these need professional help to get them through their illness. It is an illness but mental and they need proper diagnosis and therapy as well as medication sometimes. suggest she gets medical help. Thinking things will change when you are together is not necessarily true. All the best

[whatruckus]

I was dating someone with anxiety and PTSD and sad to say as much as I wanted to be the one to fix his problem, the truth is that we can't. Personal such as these need professional help to get them through their illness. It is an illness but mental and they need proper diagnosis and therapy as well as medication sometimes. suggest she gets medical help. Thinking things will change when you are together is not necessarily true. All the best

This.

My former SO is a Combat Veteran with very bad Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD. I did everything I could, all the research I could, etc., and it wasn't enough. It was a huge factor why we're not together today. He didn't want to fully admit he had a problem. His mental illnesses made him a very cold, distant, person. He lacked empathy and sympathy (something they train out of you in the military). He wasn't always like that, but any time something stressed him out, it was like a switch went off and he stopped being the happy go-lucky, fun, energetic person he was when I met him. He would get distant, like I said. Very afraid to get close to anyone, or feel weak and vulnerable.

The only way these types of people will get better is if they get help. And, no one can make them, or convince them, to get help except for themselves. They need to realize they have a problem, admit they have a problem, and follow through with getting help. My former SO tried a couple times, but then still reverted back to the idea that he didn't need it as bad as I told him he did. He believed, and still believes, he can handle it on his own.

Also, I have Depression and Anxiety (unofficially diagnosed, but it's very obvious... you can even tell from some of my posts on here). Trying to deal with his illnesses, along with my own, make for a very bad combination. His lack of empathy, sympathy, and romance really took a toll on me. It made me more depressed seeing him depressed and not being able to help. Not even counting in the times he'd be distant and cold towards to me.

Don't think you can fix her problems, you can't. They will take a toll on you. Even if you are a generally healthy and happy person. She needs to get professional help and possibly medication.

[soonasatsuma]

Thank you guys. She has set up an appointment with her psychiatrist, but I just don't know what to do from my end. Is it better to stay and wait for her to improve? I should also add I suffer with bipolar and GAD, but I'm in regular contact with mental health support people and on a decent amount of medication. I just hate thinking about the pain she's in, but I don't want to leave as I think we could really be great together... Ugh

[Miasmata]

Be there for her in the degree you can. Don't overexert yourself or sacrifice your wellbeing for hers, that's neither fair nor right. But, you can try to be as open and supportive with each other as you can. You don't need to be "fixed" to be good for each other - Just be cognizant of your limits, and respect them.