New member- first post - advice?

[Growingslow21]

Hi there all. I'm writing and joined this community in looking for some support since me and my boyfriend are in a LDR.
We've known each other for about 10 years - but it wasn't until I moved away from the town we resided in together (from NY to CO) that we got together.
So we started off long distance.
As of lately I'm battling with not putting pressure on when we will get to live closer together because he and I both have to live our lives on our own path - but is it maybe a type of person that can withstand a LDR?
He doesn't communicate frequently. He has a high pace job in NYC - but when he comes to visit - about 7 times in the last 9 months. He seems really happy and calm and has said he wants to travel more and spend more time with me.

Questions being: (opinions of course)
How do you know when to give up?

Is there some unspoken amount of communication? Or is it just what works?

How do you stay vulnerable in a relationship and still focus so much on yourself?

Thanks!
GS

[QueenD]

Hey there, and welcome to the forum!

If I understand you correctly, it sounds like you've been in a romantic relationship about 9 months and have not been having serious discussions about closing the distance yet. With those assumptions in mind, here are my answers to your questions.

1) regarding how do you know when to give up, this is definitely different for everyone. But I would say that I certainly wouldn't give up if you haven't at least tried to discuss the growth of your relationship and/or closing distance plans with your partner, especially since you've known him so long. Things that might make me consider giving up would be if the relationship is extremely one sided, if I figured out unjust flat can't sustain an LDR, or if you end up at an absolute impasse about future decisions such as where to live.

Also, by one sided I'm not just meaning who initiates communication. I am more talking about the feeling that both people are invested at similar levels most of the time. I initiate probably 80% of the contact with my SO, but I also know him well enough to know he cares. I happen to be more of a planner and more assertive in general so that translates into me initiating a lot. But in our case it's just fine.

2) I'd say that the amount of communication is whatever works for the couple. I have been with my SO for 6 months, and we both have quite busy lives. We tend to talk on the phone 2-3 times a week and text daily. And we try not to go more than about 6 weeks without seeing each other. We also made a deal that if we NEED to ear back to a text or call right away we should say so. Both of us have jobs where we might have hours or even a whole day where we cannot reply back. He has this even more than me because he works in television production and cant have his phone while filming. I am quite judicious about when I invoke the "I need to hear back" clause so that we don't have a crying wolf thing going on.

3) I am not sure I understand what this means. I focus plenty on myself, but I still feel like I'm pretty vulnerable. Can you explain more of what you mean?