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**xxcazaxx** · July 1, 2016, 04:37 PM

Hi Pink Panda
Going to be 100% honest with you (and i'm afraid that you won't like the answer) but it sounds like you could do 100 times better than this guy. If it were me I would be running a mile from someone who thought that it was ok to go on speed dates when they were dating me. Him doing that isn't showing you any respect. Relationships should be about both parties putting effort in, not just one.

**PinkPanda** · July 1, 2016, 04:42 PM

Hi xxcazaxx,

That's what I thought. He did it when we were still not officially in a relationship. It hurt me a lot but I am in no place to complain or stop him that time. At that time, he only said he likes me but didn't call me his girlfriend yet. To be honest, I think he was just waiting for that event to be over. He was weighing if he can find someone there. And if he does, he'll ditch me. If not, he'll settle with me. I'm like his last choice and always at the bottom of his priority list, unfortunately.

**xxcazaxx** · July 1, 2016, 04:50 PM

You are worth so much more than that!

**whatruckus** · July 1, 2016, 05:33 PM

Yeah, I think you should just find someone else. Someone who knows your worth and treats you with love and respect.

**PinkPanda** · July 1, 2016, 06:04 PM

My mind is telling me to move on and just don't waste my time. Cheesy as it sounds, it feels right to stay than to leave. He's naturally cold, so he says. But sometimes, his coldness towards me is being rude to someone. Just yesterday, I was trying to establish a conversation with him. Then he just said that I should just say what I wanted to say since it'll be a lot faster.

**R&R** · July 1, 2016, 06:10 PM

Don't stay with someone because it may seem easier. You aren't being treated right. He is disrespectful and rude. You feel like he is settling for you. You know the right thing to do is walk away. If you continue to stay with someone who treats you like that, you are telling them that it's okay to treat you that way. At that point, you can not complain about how you are being treated. You are staying by your own choice when you can quite easily end it and block him on all fronts.

**whatruckus** · July 1, 2016, 06:11 PM

Originally posted by PinkPanda View Post

My mind is telling me to move on and just don't waste my time. Cheesy as it sounds, it feels right to stay than to leave. He's naturally cold, so he says. But sometimes, his coldness towards me is being rude to someone. Just yesterday, I was trying to establish a conversation with him. Then he just said that I should just say what I wanted to say since it'll be a lot faster.

I think you're fooling yourself, to be honest. From what you've written, he really just doesn't seem like the type of person you get into a relationship with. Especially if you want it to be serious. If you're having issues with him now, and you aren't really together, then just imagine what it's going to be like if you do get together. It seems like he's just using you as a fall-back option, because he has safety in knowing that you're still there for him. Even if he chooses to pursue these other ladies. If you are his so-called "filipino girlfriend", then he wouldn't have gone out on speed dates with other women, and then deciding that he'd like to contact them. I gather in his mind he's thinking, "Eh, well if it doesn't work out with these other girls, at least I have her to talk to and satisfy me until I find someone who does live closer that I can be physically intimate with whenever I want."

And, I don't know why you would settle for someone like that. You deserve someone who's actually going to be with you, and actually wants to be with you. Someone who commits to you and loves you, and respects you.

Also, if he treated his other ladies the way he treats you, I can see why they left him in such a hurry.

So he is a civilian working in the military? Meaning he has no military training or background?

P.S. - You said your previous relationship was abusive, in what way, if you don't mind me asking? Are you really sure this isn't similar? This is emotional abuse, if you haven't realized it by now. He's being manipulative, or you're just not seeing his honesty that it seems like he'd rather be with someone who lives near him, and like I said, be physically affectionate and intimate with.

**R&R** · July 1, 2016, 06:12 PM

How appropriate - Charles Orlando's email today:

Excuse me? Yes... YOU. Life is so short. I know that's cliche, but it's never more apparent than when you're in the wrong relationship.

By staying where you are unhappy, you silently agree that it's okay with you. That being unhappy is "just part of how life goes." You convince yourself that you "can't help who you love."

But that's not the deal. In fact, that's bullshit.

Who we select as a partner is a direct reflection of our own self-worth. If you stay where you aren't happy, you are *choosing* to have less worth. It's a choice.

And... every time you select someone who doesn't make you happy, you automatically DON'T select someone who can.

Here's the deal: You don't let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you MAKE A CHOICE to start caring about YOURSELF.

**Katy_G** · July 1, 2016, 10:42 PM

Hey there! Also a Filipina.

Flatly speaking, you deserve better than this guy. If he can't meet you halfway, then what's the point?

Also I am not sure that it is clear to him that in Filipino culture, family is important in a serious relationship. He needs to make the effort to meet them, if he wants things to last.

And to be honest, his view on marriage is selfish. Not to mention other things you mention he's done like not wanting your name to appear on his status.

Wishing you the best of luck with your decision.

**Miasmata** · July 2, 2016, 04:18 AM

You might have a tendency to get into emotionally abusive relationships. I'm not gonna play armchair psychologist, but that can be a sign of emotional or personal lack of confidence. No matter what the issue comes from, it might definitely be worth talking to a counselor or a mental health professional about it. You're not broken or "crazy" - But if you have a past with giving yourself to the wrong people, it would definitely be worth adressing. You deserve to be safe, and you deserve to feel confident about the people you choose to be with.

**PinkPanda** · July 2, 2016, 06:21 AM

I did see a doctor after the first breakup. I was traumatized and can't get back to my normal routine. I always feel scared even after the breakup that someone would reprimand me after doing something. It was going okay and the effect of that relationship didn't affect me as much as I thought it would.

This guy isn't abusive at all, but he has flaws and cold.

**R&R** · July 2, 2016, 08:46 AM

Originally posted by PinkPanda View Post

Unfortunately, both ladies left him all of a sudden without telling him why.

I am from a traditional family. My parents didn't like my first online boyfriend and it was my first relationship. My parents will meet my current boyfriend tonight, well hopefully, if he won't cancel.

I met him from a site where I discovered after my first breakup. It was a site for anyone who's looking for someone to talk to about a problem. So I randomly got connected with him. We've been chatting now for three months. We like each other but I think I'm falling for him. All the while, I thought we were just still getting to know each other but the way he treats me made me confused which prompted me to ask him what our relationship is and he told me that I am his Filipino girlfriend. Just a month ago he went on a speed date and was intending to contact two of the girls he met from there. He told me that he wasn't looking for a LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE ELSE, which made me assume that he is looking for a long-term relationship with me. His reason of going there is because HE MISSES BEING KISSED, HUGGED AND HAVING SEX. That time he also knows that I like him and the fact that he went there did hurt me a lot. He knows that it did hurt me and in order for it not to hurt me, he won't tell me anything about it.

He is a passive person. Well, I don't know if he's just passive or if he's just not interested with what I'm telling him. The only way I can get him to talk is when we talk about his favorite topics or when I ask him questions. But whenever I talk about myself or something else, he ends up just saying Okay, I see, I understand, which makes it hard for me to establish a conversation with him.

He has asked me to lead the relationship. I don't know how to lead it. I lack experience with relationships to lead this one. But he wants me to lead it because if he was to lead me, it's going to be fast-paced and according to him, that style of relationship didn't work as proven by his past relationships. Now, I'm worried if he would get tired of our slow-paced relationship.

We talked about closing the distance. Just a passing conversation nothing in too much detail. But he told me frankly that he is NOT TOO KEEN TO TRAVEL and he is NOT WILLING TO MOVE. I don't want him to move either. He has a stable job and I have a flexible job. It is just practical if I move to him instead. But I was hoping that he would travel to me first to meet my family, but he already said he is not too keen to travel to me. Also, he would like me to take a vacation there for a few weeks so I can gauge what it feels like living there. He also made a point that if I move there it's not because of him but because I want to live there and I would have a means to support myself after I move, because as he said, I'll be in such a big mess if we break up. I am only willing to move there if he marries me and not just a live-in partner. He has no intentions of marrying someone unless he sees it beneficial for him.

Also, he doesn't want me to state in my Facebook status that I'm in a relationship with him...

I need advice on these areas:
1. Is it right for me to stop him from going on speed dates? But these speed dates is going to cater on his physical needs and wants.
2. What kinds of conversation should I initiate with him so that I can get him to talk more about himself, to get more of his insights and perspectives on things, in other words, to get to know him more in a personal level.
3. How should I lead the relationship? I want our relationship to last long.
4. Is it too early to talk about moving and/or closing the distance? When is it likely to talk about this?
5. Is it right for me to assume that he should make the first move traveling to me so I can introduce him personally to my family?
6. Should I ask him why he doesn't like his name or my name to appear on his Facebook status?

These items are more than flaws. These are red flags that he is not ready, willing, or able to be in a real relationship. He wants you around only if it's convenient. He says he won't tell you about the speed dating because he doesn't want to hurt you? He was out speed dating because he wanted something physical. Do you really think he's not doing anything now?

Other women left him all of a sudden without telling him why? That's really not a good sign. People don't generally just up and leave a marriage or relationship like that unless things are pretty bad. I'm sure if you were able to hear their sides of the story, there were plenty of good reasons.

He won't come see you. He already wants you to have a contingency plan in place in case you break up. He doesn't want a marriage unless it's beneficial to him. All signs of a manipulative person where everything has to be his way.

Normally I wouldn't think the FB thing as a big deal (my SO and I aren't on each other's FB, but I have met family and friends and everyone knows about me), but combined with everything else, it is another red flag. He most likely doesn't want you showing up on his FB so he can present himself as single.

These aren't flaws!!!! These are clear signs of someone who doesn't know how to be in a mature, functional relationship and is extremely narcissistic.

It's your choice to stay or go. However, if you stay in this relationship, you are going into it eyes wide open and if things end in disaster, you can't say you didn't know it was going to happen.

**C.C.** · July 2, 2016, 09:09 AM

I have no idea, how you guys are judging people so easily.
Especially when half of the text doesn't even make exact sense to me. Like whatever you all are referring to can be understood in many ways.

He knows that it did hurt me and in order for it not to hurt me, he won't tell me anything about it.

Does this mean he won't tell if you when something like that happens AGAIN in future, OR would he not talk about the events that had ALREADY occurred? Did he promise you he wouldn't do it anymore?
Also, you said you two weren't together yet, then, but were you exclusive at all? Or was it only him telling you that he liked you?

But I was hoping that he would travel to me first to meet my family, but he already said he is not too keen to travel to me.

I don't get it. Is he not willing to visit you AT ALL?
Then what does this mean?

My parents will meet my current boyfriend tonight, well hopefully, if he won't cancel.

...

the way he treats me made me confused which prompted me to ask him what our relationship is and he told me that I am his Filipino girlfriend.

But did you EVER talk about what relationship meant to both of you? What was the exact definition of "girlfriend"/"boyfriend"?
...

He was weighing if he can find someone there. And if he does, he'll ditch me. If not, he'll settle with me. I'm like his last choice and always at the bottom of his priority list, unfortunately.

He has no intentions of marrying someone unless he sees it beneficial for him.

Are these your assumption or things he has actually said or expressed directly?

**PinkPanda** · July 2, 2016, 12:54 PM

The only speed date he told me was last May and he did told me that he wanted to contact two of the girls he met there, but he's not looking for a long-term relationship with anyone else. During the speed date event, we just acknowledged that we both like each other. We're not dating even now, but he's calling me his girlfriend because as he said that's who I am in his life.

He didn't say he's not willing to visit me at all. He only said he's not too keen to travel. And that he would rather that I have a vacation there for a few weeks. I explained to him that meeting my family in person is important in our culture. My parents are supposed to meet him tonight through Skype. But I haven't heard from him until now. He read my messages on Facebook but didn't say anything. This is the third time that he scheduled to meet my parents.

He said he wants a long-term relationship with me and that he wants this to work. He asked me to lead the relationship since his fast-paced relationships failed and obviously didn't work. So he want to try my slow-paced relationship because this time, it might work and our relationship may not end like his previous relationships.

The statement about weighing if he can find someone in his locale is my assumption. It's what I felt when he told me he's speed dating. And only after that speed dating event, he really showed that he likes me.

The statement about marrying someone, he told me that. He didn't want to marry someone unless it benefits him one way or another.

Announcement

Second LDR and it's nothing like the first... Please help

Second LDR and it's nothing like the first... Please help

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