Second LDR and it's nothing like the first... Please help

[whatruckus]

I'm sorry, but his reasonings make no sense. Either he wants to be with you or not. No speed dates, no wanting to hook up and have sex with someone else, none of that bs. Just because he calls you his girlfriend doesn't mean anything, because he doesn't act like you are. And why would he call you his girlfriend if you aren't even dating?

Don't say he's not emotionally abusive, and then sit there and say he's just "flawed and cold". He has no idea of what being in a relationship entails and he's scheduled 3 times to meet your parents through Skype and then flaked, I really don't know what to tell you.

You're making excuses for him and making yourself believe that he truly does love you and want to be with you, but his actions are really saying the opposite. You said he understands that your family is important and means everything to you, yet he flakes on meeting them through Skype. If he really wanted you and wanted to be with you as much as you say he does, he'd be making more of an effort.

And, I don't understand the bit about only marry someone if it "benefits" him. Um, that's not what marriage is about. You marry someone because you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them. From what you've written, he seems extremely narcissistic and shallow.

[PinkPanda]

Yes, he did flake out twice but I got to introduce him yesterday. He suddenly called and apologized. I made sure that I made him feel that what he's doing is not okay and I told him when he called that he's making me feel less important.

I really can't understand him, too. When I asked him if being his girlfriend is different from dating, this is what he told me: "We're not actually dating because we don't go out, be physically together, do things that normal couples do when they date." Is it just me, because my understanding is, when you call someone your girlfriend/boyfriend, it means that you're dating or have I gotten my definition wrong?

With the marriage, I totally agree with you. Marriage are for two people who's in love not because you benefit from each other. But the way he makes it sound like it seems that he'll only marry someone if it gives him certain benefits, and if he's with someone that doesn't give him benefits if he marries that person, he'd rather have them as live-in partners...

[Elizabeth123]

You already have his answer...read what you posted...He's not in a relationship with you because of the distance. This person is not ready to be your SO. Please understand he's not looking for a partner or a spouse. IMHO you should not invest any further time with this person.

[Katy_G]

Yes, he did flake out twice but I got to introduce him yesterday. He suddenly called and apologized. I made sure that I made him feel that what he's doing is not okay and I told him when he called that he's making me feel less important.

I really can't understand him, too. When I asked him if being his girlfriend is different from dating, this is what he told me: "We're not actually dating because we don't go out, be physically together, do things that normal couples do when they date." Is it just me, because my understanding is, when you call someone your girlfriend/boyfriend, it means that you're dating or have I gotten my definition wrong?

With the marriage, I totally agree with you. Marriage are for two people who's in love not because you benefit from each other. But the way he makes it sound like it seems that he'll only marry someone if it gives him certain benefits, and if he's with someone that doesn't give him benefits if he marries that person, he'd rather have them as live-in partners...

Well if you two are not dating, and he's not eager for the relationship status to be clear....then what is really going on?

And what does he mean by benefits when it comes to the person he marries? Has he even considered your position on the matter?

I'm sorry to say but I really don't think he's ready to be with you, if he can't come to some understanding of what you believe in, on a basic level. The way I see it you're bending over backwards for a person who will insist on having things his way, never mind what you feel or believe about your lives together---or even as individuals.

[whatruckus]

No, your understanding is very correct when it comes to a relationship. You don't need to physically be with someone all the time to be in a relationship. Look at all of us here. Even if we are now single, we were still in exclusive committed relationships with our SO's.

Like others have said, I really don't think he's ready. He may like you a lot, maybe even love you, but he definitely doesn't want to be exclusive, committed to you, or in an actual relationship with you.

Think about this deeply. Do you want someone who sort of wants to be with you, or someone who definitely wants to be with you? Do you want someone who will be there all the time, and make the effort, and keeps their promises all the time? Or someone who sometimes does? Do you want someone who knows for sure they want you and wants to be with you? Or someone who only wants you when it's convenient to them? Can you handle only giving yourself to someone who might see other girls, and have intimate relations with them?

Be selfish. Ask yourself what do you want. What kind of person do you actually want to be with? Do you want to settle for a maybe, or find someone definite? Can you handle the stress of not knowing what is going on?

I'm sorry if I come off as harsh, it just really bothers me to see someone treated that way. I've been in your shoes, and I know how terrible it feels. It's not a fun way to live. The anxiety and stress, and depression... Someone who really loves you and wants to be with you would not do this to you.

[C.C.]

I wish I weren't busy.
This is what I thought exactly. He's not an abuser. He's just not ready to commit/invest into a relationship. Facebook status, not wanting to visit you, speed dates everything shows that.
He's totally honest with you too, imho and he's showing who he is pretty clearly. I don't think he has any ill intentions. Not everyone is made for a ldr.
And when you said he called you his "Filipino girlfriend", the main question that went through my head was: Why did he emphasise your origins? Maybe he meant that you are his "distance" girlfriend. I thought basically the same thing he told you, that's why I asked whether you two had defined your relationship.
Not everyone is made for long-term relationships. And he made it clear from the beginning.

I think you are too different from him, especially with traditional views and everything. I would advise you to have a long talk with him and define what you two want from each other and everything. You two aren't on the same page for now though, and I just think relationships shouldn't end without those discussions, that's all. I don't think he wants to hurt you on purpose or something. I may be too naive but I get positive vibes from him from what I've read.

However, it is most likely better for both of you to end this. To find a better matching partner.
Do you yourself think you can deal with him long term? You probably would if you were nearby, yes. But would you be able to EVER overcome the relationship troubles and build it during the distance? Don't compromise who you are to solve anything.

And I think marriage is out of question to be considered in a situation like this. He's keeping himself safe, he's had bad experience with previous marriage. His views are cold and skeptical.

Wish you all the best :3

[Miasmata]

Just to clarify that really quick: A situation can be emotionally abusive without anyone involved intending to be abusive. For instance, if someone makes themselves submit to someone else's emotional whims even though it's not what they want, that can become quite emotionally abusive without anyone intending for it to be that way. In general, when someone foregoes their own needs or otherwise compromises too much in a relationship, it can get unhealthy.

OP, I agree that you really need to talk to him and ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you. As I said before, you have no obligation to compromise your needs too much for someone else, or to be otherwise okay with his whims. He's not committing to you, when you want commitment. You are not at fault here - It's okay that you want commitment. But if you aren't getting it from him and he can't/doesn't want to commit, you shouldn't force yourself to stay. Your needs and your wishes matter as much as everyone else's, and he has shown a lot of disregard for what you want, which is not at all okay for any partner to do to you. It's not healthy for a relationship to be onesided or otherwise disregard the needs of someone involved.

[artemis]

Hey there,
You sure can find better....I am not even sure if he knows what having a girlfriend means....and the fact that both women left him.....
You can find a better one who will respect you...he is not worthy at all