Feel like all I ever do is nag when we talk

[Jelly11]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

I've been seeing my long distance guy for about 4 months now. I've visited twice in that time. Initially we spoke ALL the time and it slowly dwindled off which I was fine with because it was excessive to start with.

These days though, we hardly speak at all. We send the odd message over text (not many at all though) and speak on the phone about once a week, only if I ask. Come to think of it, it's been longer than a week now.

So the solution is talk to him about it, right? Of course communication is always the answer, but because we talk so little it ends up being that when we actually do talk (or text) it looks like I'm nagging all the time, when it reality it's only because it's the only chance I get to talk to him.

I don't know how to talk to him about how I am feeling without sounding like a total nag. The past few times we have spoken or texted have been negative but it's hard to hold back things that are bothering me! It's even more frustrating when he says things like "I'm really not in the mood for drama right now", which I find very ignorant.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[sweetybrioche]

I am in the exact same situation than you! My boyfriend and I used to talk a lot and call each other a lot too but because he is busy looking for a college and working, it's more difficult to have a long conversation these days. Although this situation stopped the last 2 months because my boyfriend came to france, now that he is back to korea it's started again and i feel like i am starting to nag again too.

So I don't know if this could help you but i remember that sometimes when i wanted to tell something my boyfriend without nagging, i would send him a very long message in which i would explain how i am feeling (pretty much like a letter actually) so that i won't have to talk about the same thing everytime. My boyfriend would reply me with the same kind of message, apologise and would try to make an effort.
Another thing i do when i realize i am nagging is just telling him to forget what i said before and i would just restart the conversation and ask him just simple things such as how was his day etc, to enjoy the small talk we can have and not to send him negative vibes.

I hope your SO will understand your feelings and maybe make an effort.

[Redheart14]

It's all in the tone and phrasing that make you sound like you're nagging. So just think about how you want to phrase it and the tone in which you say it. How about " I really love talking to you, it's one of my favourite things, any chance we can talk soon? I'd really like that". You get the idea. It's not nagging it's just letting him know you love talking to him.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

This one will probably make me unpopular, but my advice to you is to let go. He isn't going to want to talk to you if he feels like you will constantly be fighting and because of that he becomes more unavailable and you become more upset and the cycle just continues. So sometimes what you need to do is just stop trying and let them come to you. Eventually, he will miss you and want to talk, but it may take a while. In the meantime between talking, try to work on your feelings and let go of some of this anger. The cycle will only just continue if you two can't relax around each other and continue to bring up the same fights.

[Elizabeth123]

My thought is to say something like this:"I need to talk with you and share my thoughts..when is a good time so we can both listen and find a solution."
Best to do this over Skype or by phone IMHO

[Jelly11]

Thanks guys. I realise there may be something in just leaving him to come to me.

The actual thing I keep nagging about isn't so much our communication, it's booking the next set of flights because the earlier the cheaper it is for me, but he's so bad at planning and brushes it off in conversation. So it's hard to leave it sometimes because otherwise I could end up paying literally double. I've made this clear to him and still nothing. I think I need to be a bit more assertive just the once, rather than being a bit passive on a regular basis if that makes sense.

[QueenD]

Thanks guys. I realise there may be something in just leaving him to come to me.

The actual thing I keep nagging about isn't so much our communication, it's booking the next set of flights because the earlier the cheaper it is for me, but he's so bad at planning and brushes it off in conversation. So it's hard to leave it sometimes because otherwise I could end up paying literally double. I've made this clear to him and still nothing. I think I need to be a bit more assertive just the once, rather than being a bit passive on a regular basis if that makes sense.

My SO isn't a great planner either. I get to talk to him more often than it sounds like you are able to talk to your boyfriend, but it's still uncomfortable to feel like I'm doing anything resembling nagging. I figured out that if I am very selective about what I want to pin down plans about and why, he is more receptive. Might be partly because he is pretty frugal himself, but there is something about explaining that waiting 2 more weeks could cost me a few hundred bucks more on a flight that gets his attention better.

There is another aspect of visits that I realized was causing my SO stress when I'd try to pin him down. He wants very much to be a good host when I'm there, and if his own busy life has much uncertainty, he gets stressed about picking visit dates. We just had a discussion recently about how It might be better to try longer visits when I go to him. If I'm there a couple weeks, then a random night or two of having to work late or a guys night is less upsetting than if I'm there a shorter time. Is it possible that something like that could be causing your SO to have trouble committing to plans?

[Jelly11]

My SO isn't a great planner either. I get to talk to him more often than it sounds like you are able to talk to your boyfriend, but it's still uncomfortable to feel like I'm doing anything resembling nagging. I figured out that if I am very selective about what I want to pin down plans about and why, he is more receptive. Might be partly because he is pretty frugal himself, but there is something about explaining that waiting 2 more weeks could cost me a few hundred bucks more on a flight that gets his attention better.

There is another aspect of visits that I realized was causing my SO stress when I'd try to pin him down. He wants very much to be a good host when I'm there, and if his own busy life has much uncertainty, he gets stressed about picking visit dates. We just had a discussion recently about how It might be better to try longer visits when I go to him. If I'm there a couple weeks, then a random night or two of having to work late or a guys night is less upsetting than if I'm there a shorter time. Is it possible that something like that could be causing your SO to have trouble committing to plans?

This is interesting to read. Thanks!

Yeah I've never actually brought in the financial aspect it he seemed to understand. It still got thrown under the radar again though. I'm going travelling on Tuesday so I can't book anything whilst I'm away so I feel a bit rushed. I figure this weekend I'll just be like "please look at a calendar and pick some dates. I'm off all of August so anytime at all, just tell me already!" Haha.

I'm not sure how he would feel about me staying longer actually. Sometimes I feel he is ready for me to leave so I'd be hesitant to bring it up, but I may do. I don't know the root cause of why he is so bad with the planning. Might be good to bring that up, in as least naggy way as possible!

Thanks