Busy lifestyles getting in the way.

[KarawrKannibal]

I'm new to this forum (forums in general actually) and I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish from this but I need someone to talk to that understands what I'm going through. Most of my friends are in and out of my life and my family aren't people that I emotionally connect with. I think even if I did have someone, they wouldn't help much considering none of them have ever been in this position. You see, I'm in a LDR with the most amazing man I've ever met. He is 48 miles away, and he has to take a 75 minute train to see me. The problem is that I have 2 children without any major help when it comes to childcare, and he is training to be a sous chef at a major restaurant chain in the town he lives in. This means that his hours are long, he rarely gets time off, and I rarely get child-free time. Up until now I've just about managed, but for some reason lately, as I'm falling for him harder and harder, the distance is getting harder and harder.

I've been in LDRs before but none like this. It's like he's home and I'm actually physically feeling homesick. I know I couldn't break up with him because it would hurt an immense amount and I'd have to live knowing he wasn't mine. And so I have to spend every day aching to see him, waiting for him to finish work so he can call. But even then it's not until late at night and sometimes I fall asleep waiting, or he's too tired to call because he knows we will talk for hours as usual. I have at least another 2 years of this for definite, and I'm struggling this much after just a month and half. Does anyone have any words of comfort or words of advice on how to cope when the love is this strong?

[Elizabeth123]

Welcome to LFAD!
Being in a LDR is hard but definitely worth it when two people find each other. Keep busy with your regular life and for me it helps to plan the next "visit".
Lot of suggestions here on the main website. As your relationship grows you both find a routine that fits each of your schedules...be flexible and talk openly with your SO. All the best to you both!

[sasad]

Most of us have love that strong, some of us have kids as well...

48 miles? That's not bad at all. Can he do something other than a train?

You need to get other interest and keep your own life. People fall into a routine where they just can't live or think or breath unless it's about their SO. It's just not healthy.
We all miss our other halves, and there are tons of suggestions on how to keep on keeping on..find a hobby, write a journal etc.

The thing is, if his work is like this, it's going to be like this until he becomes a chef..so time is the same ld or cd.. You need to find a compromise that works for you both. He won't work 7 days week, 4 weeks a month. You do need time for both of you to grow. I am not sure how old your kids are, or if you can leave them overnight once in a while??

[KarawrKannibal]

Welcome to LFAD!
Being in a LDR is hard but definitely worth it when two people find each other. Keep busy with your regular life and for me it helps to plan the next "visit".
Lot of suggestions here on the main website. As your relationship grows you both find a routine that fits each of your schedules...be flexible and talk openly with your SO. All the best to you both!

Thank you for the reply, I keep busy as much as I can with chores, my children, and seeing my mum, but other than that there isn't much that I could do outside of the house. I've tried writing, reading, drawing - all my usual hobbies, but it just isn't working when I have 2 young children. The same goes for when he's physically here as my children are at home every day all day most weeks and so alone time is hard to come by and therefore there isn't much to plan.

[R&R]

If you closed the distance, it would be the same way. Kids always around, people working, etc. As single parents, especially when one has primary of full custody, that's just the reality of dating. When that was the case with me, my SO and I planned trips involving the kids. Going to the beach, Hershey Park, kids museums, etc. You just have to do things as a family instead of a couple. When the kids go to bed, snuggle time on the couch and adult time in the bedroom.

[differentcountries]

Itsnt't that a beautiful thing, love? Like coming home. So many describe it like that that I am starting to feel like it is like the definition of love. It is the best motivation for keeping something as difficult at a long distance relationship going, even with other things happening in our lives.

During the course of our relationship we have both gotten increasingly more busy. I now work full time (plus my studies), he works what I can only describe as a 150 % job (he works 12 hours a day, usually). On top of that, our scedules are opposed. He cant go anywhere during season, so I always have to visit him, and he is working the whole time I am there (still 12 hour shifts). And I have a live in partner (my husband), a voulenteer job in the appartment building, an sick mum with a very indepentant personality so that's fun trying to help her. Plus we live quite a bit of stretch apart. We just stayed up all night Skyping with each other, making both of us sleep during the day. Before that we did not skype in like 2 months. There were many exchanges on Viber, and messages sent at night that I only read and replied to in the morning.

But the difference is, I have a strong social network, so does he. I am also close with my family.

And I think that's what you are describing. A lack of close friends and fammily who are there to help and support you. Because for a long distance relationship, you live pretty close.

Also, you say you are 1 1/2 months into the relationship - in my experience, the first 2 months are the hardest. After that, you start to know the person a bit and it becomes easier to adjust and knowing what to do and say.

Something concrete:
I have found gratefulness to be very useful. It is easy to become bitter, thinking that you have deserved to be together a lot. It would be nice to be together a lot. But isn't it a beautiful thing that you found this love?
Doing special things when you do hang out together. I mean obviously sex... but also other things. SO and I have this special takewawy that we always order when I come. It is a nice ritual. If he doesnt pick me up because he is still at work, I will sit in the taxi and he will text, oh, you are half an hour away, I will order the usual. It makes me feel at home. We also do nice things like walk on the beach, and enjoy hobbies together
Sometimes we do things from afar. Like, I sometimes write him letters. And I make photo books. There are lots of tips for crafts and the like on this site
Apart from your relationship, I think you could greatly benifit from trying to make some friends, or even hang out with people more. Perhaps other parents?
This also related to my last advice; finding people to share your love with. Love that noone knows about, is a job that could be so much greater. If you get more friends, they could rejoice with you every time you have a visit, or just say "Oh, my boyfriend says this and it is so funny". It is having a community. And even if you dont, please hang around and we will be your friends and share the ups and downs with you.

[QueenD]

My SO and I are also extremely busy - there is only one day per week when we both are off work, and he recently started a side business that he tends to work on that day off so it can be hard for us to find time to talk. Here is a collection of my random thoughts on the subject.

*I completely agree that the first few months of a relationship are the most difficult for dealing with distance. J and I got together around Christmas when he was in my city to visit family, and we had visits in early Feb and early April. The stretch of time between Feb and April was particularly difficult for me because it was the first couple of months after we both really started feeling like our relationship might have legs, and we had some trouble figuring out a rhythm to communications because we both had extra work responsibilities during this period. It has been better since then, for the most part.
*Some people will say that they are very jealous that you are only 45 miles away from your SO, but I know from experience that sometimes a shorter distance is way harder psychologically than hundreds or thousands of miles. My SO's parents live in my metro area, about 50 minutes drive from my home. When he comes to my city, he splits his time between being with me alone, them alone, and both of us together. He can only visit for around 4-6 days at a time most of the time, so it means only a little bit of time alone when he comes. The periods of time when he is 50 minutes away and I can't be with him are actually harder in many ways than when he is 1000 miles away and I know it's not an option to see him. I don't really have any specific advice for you about this - just wanted to validate those feelings.
*I believe that the people who are suggesting you shore up your social circle are definitely on to something. Lately, I've been feeling the same way. I have some lovely friends, but the rhythm of my life has changed and my priorities are in flux right now. I have started staying at home a lot more lately because I'm trying to save all my money for travel. I am also finding that I'm emotionally dissociating myself from my town a bit - something I've had to do in order to allow myself the space to explore how I feel about a potential move to his city. I haven't figured out completely how I'm going to solve this issue, but I haven't few ideas I'm going to explore soon to help. Some of the involve reconnecting with people i already know, and some involve trying new things out.

I wish you good luck resolving this. My SO feels like home to me too, which feels so great - especially for me, since I was widowed about 7 years ago and wondered if I'd ever find someone that made me feel so great again.