Boyfriend working away for 4 months - 1 month down, anxiety

[OtantikTin]

Hi all, first of all, I'm very glad that I've found this forum, I think it will be of great help.

So long story short my boyfriend is a cop (first job as a cop) and accepted a contract of 4 months 1300miles away up North. He took his flight exactly 1 month ago today. We've been maintaining contact everyday ever since he left; we text everyday and call on the phone or Skype several times a week.

Only thing is that the last time we went LDR on fall 2015, he "stopped" missing me after two months and it caused a great deal of pain and heartbreak. He kept saying he was busy and confused and at this moment it was true; our relationship definitely wasn't at it's best, even prior to the first LDR, the couple was limping.

This time, even though things are going much better between us and that the couple was going (as he says, 10 000/10) great prior to the LD, I'm still afraid he will stop missing me after the two months mark. I'm literally frightened, I didn't see the first month pass and now that I see the second month is coming I can't help but get negative thoughts.

Today is his birthday and when he called this morning he was laughing with his coworkers, strangely it made me feel bad inside, I was somewhat sad on the phone and he sounded like he was having so much fun.. I know I should be happy for him but all kind of negative emotions are getting to me such as jealousy, anxiety, insecurity... So that's why I'm typing this, I hope I'll somewhat get the reassurance I need.

Thank you

A few additional infos;

- We've been together for almost 4 years;

- Last LD was 4 months too but we were seeing each other through it, so this is the first "real" LD;

- He might have to go back for another 4 months after this contract is done, but I might follow him if I can.

[differentcountries]

I am not sure what a "real" LD relationship is. We have all sorts of LDs here, from people who see each other very weekend to people who have not seen each others in a year or more or not met yet.

It is understandable that you are sad when he is enjoying his stay and thriving, while you could be ethere on his birthday, are scared because of bad memories, and perhaps feel alone in expressing that you feel this way.

What are you doing in your life when he is away?

Are there visits?

Have you met/talked to/seen pics of the people he works with, or others around him?

How you do keep in touch?

[OtantikTin]

I am not sure what a "real" LD relationship is. We have all sorts of LDs here, from people who see each other very weekend to people who have not seen each others in a year or more or not met yet.

It is understandable that you are sad when he is enjoying his stay and thriving, while you could be ethere on his birthday, are scared because of bad memories, and perhaps feel alone in expressing that you feel this way.

What are you doing in your life when he is away?

Are there visits?

Have you met/talked to/seen pics of the people he works with, or others around him?

How you do keep in touch?

We will likely not see each other at all until October, unless there's a prisoner he must bring over south, which has about <10% chance of happening. By "real" I mean we are totally long distance and not seeing each other at all for months. Last LDR we were seeing each other every weekend.

I could visit him, but the plane tickets to travel within Canada are terribly expansive (2k+ $), if things get bad, I probably will pay the 2k anyway, but mainly, no, there is no visits.

I am staying extremely busy working two part-time jobs + school atm, plus doing plenty of hobbies such as rollerblading, walking our dog, fishing, seeing my friends, etc.

I have seen pics of some of his coworkers, since he has them on facebook, but I don't talk to them. I tend to get extremely jealous (I am working hard on this), whenever he adds a girl on facebook, talk to a girl at work, I tend to get moody/agressive. Now that we're LDR, this is even harder.. Even though he keeps saying he loves me and calls me nicknames and put me first on his life insurance.. I still get insecure, the thought of losing him is just unbearable for me.

[R&R]

4 months should go by pretty quickly if you aren't spending all your time concentrating on how much longer it will be until he gets back. I say this a lot on here, but your attitude is going to have a lot do with how you handle it. If you continually worry and do nothing but concentrate on how miserable you are and how much longer it will be - well the next 3 months are going to be rough. Looking at it with a positive attitude (which can take time if you are used to being negative) will make it easier. This isn't going to be forever.

I know you broke up once before. My SO and I dated 6 months, broke up for 18 months and have been back together over 2 1/2 years. I haven't seen him in over a year. We know we still want to be together and that our goal is to be married and close the distance. I could keep going back to the past and when we broke up, but we started with a clean slate and had to let the past go. Confidence, positive attitude and faith in your relationship and each other will help you through.

[OtantikTin]

Thank you very much for your wise words. Actually, I did pretty good during the first month. It's the second one that's harder now. I feel like he is not having a hard time with the distance as much as I do, which I guess is good.

I'm counting the days but I'm not checking them every single day - while working and going to school during the week time passes so fast - while it passes very slowly during the weekend when I see all of my friends with their SO. There is the marriage of a couple of friends we were both invited to in august and.. Of course I'll be going alone. I think it's going to be one of the hardest day of the Summer.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I have been LD with my boyfriend for three years. About a month after every visit, I start to stop missing him. I was extremely confused at first until I realized that that is my coping mechanism. In my head I know that I still love him and want to be with him, but I feel almost numb about it all. We go 4+ months between every visit with our longest being 7. I wish I could tell you that he isn't going to feel that, but he probably is. Why? Because it's normal. The trick is that he has to realize why he's feeling it before he messes stuff up, which can sometimes be a problem. This is true for many guys (after 3 freaking years my SO is finally experiencing this and almost broke up with me right before we're supposed to close the distance..go figure! ), but I would say this is especially true for cops. The see a lot of awful things during the day and they have to learn how to compartmentalize in order to cope. He is doing exactly that with your relationship. I'm sure this isn't making you feel better and I'm sorry about that, but you can and will get through this as long as he is able to realize why he doesn't miss you anymore. I never told my SO that this is what happens to me. He had absolutely no clue until I told him when he said didn't miss me anymore. He took it so seriously and was so scared about his feelings and you could see the relief on his face when I explained that it's normal. As long as he still loves me, it is perfectly okay. Even if you don't experience it yourself, maybe it would help to explain it in that way to him?

[OtantikTin]

Thank you I also noticed that I started missing him less lately. Nothing to do with my feelings or the fact I wouldn't want to see him but something else took the place of the extreme longing/sadness I was feeling during the first weeks, I'd say it's acceptation. I still tell him I miss him cause heck, I do.. Especially when I have nothing to do and start overthinking, that's why I fear the upcoming vacations.. I'll try to find as much distraction as I can.

Your message doesn't make me more anxious, because I know our relationship is better than it was last fall, I'll just try to keep that in mind as much as I can and stay positive. <3

89 days left!

[OtantikTin]

Wow almost two months passed since I last posted here!

Just wanted to make a little update...

This morning SO and I had a little argument, I stated that I was in a bad day and asked him if he ever had those kind of days, and he replied "At the beggining yes but not anymore" and I started panicking and sent him a paragraph on how I was the only one suffering from this distance and that if he was happy there, he could stay if he wished.. Blablabla..

He reacted by turning the argument into sarcasm and I ended up laughing.. But the first part where he mentionned he only had those down days at the beggining still bothers me. Am I not normal for still having these days? Even more since I know there's only one month left and I miss him so much, because we haven't seen each other since June.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Wow almost two months passed since I last posted here!

Just wanted to make a little update...

This morning SO and I had a little argument, I stated that I was in a bad day and asked him if he ever had those kind of days, and he replied "At the beggining yes but not anymore" and I started panicking and sent him a paragraph on how I was the only one suffering from this distance and that if he was happy there, he could stay if he wished.. Blablabla..

He reacted by turning the argument into sarcasm and I ended up laughing.. But the first part where he mentionned he only had those down days at the beggining still bothers me. Am I not normal for still having these days? Even more since I know there's only one month left and I miss him so much, because we haven't seen each other since June.

Some people just find it easier to cope with the distance and adapt to it a lot easier, it definitely doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you because you aren't as adapted as he is. with my SO and I, I'm the one who can cope with it and adapt to it well were as she's really struggling just now and misses me lei crazy. it doesn't mean i love her any less or that she's any weaker than I am, we just deal with things in different ways as we should because we are indeed different people :3

[Katy_G]

Wow almost two months passed since I last posted here!

Just wanted to make a little update...

This morning SO and I had a little argument, I stated that I was in a bad day and asked him if he ever had those kind of days, and he replied "At the beggining yes but not anymore" and I started panicking and sent him a paragraph on how I was the only one suffering from this distance and that if he was happy there, he could stay if he wished.. Blablabla..

He reacted by turning the argument into sarcasm and I ended up laughing.. But the first part where he mentionned he only had those down days at the beggining still bothers me. Am I not normal for still having these days? Even more since I know there's only one month left and I miss him so much, because we haven't seen each other since June.

It's pretty normal, even when there's a chance of seeing each other soon.

I always took the distance harder than my partner did. It was bad for him too at first since he was often cross and unfulfilled at his job, but once he could put some of his energies into preparing to return home here, he felt better. As for me, I had a lot to keep me busy but I still went through cycles of being okay then feeling terrible, all the way up to the week we finally closed the distance.

[ThePhoenixRises]

I think it's pretty normal too. My partner has a lot more going on in his life than I do at this time - he has his own business (and very long work hours), and a young daughter that he often has on weekends and sometimes through the week - so for him, the time passes a lot quicker than for me, as I work less hours and have no kids. So I think I have more 'disposable' time than he does - which means more time to dwell on the distance. But I don't want to dwell on it - I want to live my life, too - this is why I have taken up some new hobbies, joined a gym, etc - now my days are pretty full too - so I am coping a lot better with the distance than I did at the beginning Time is now passing a lot faster, and it has become easier, but there are still days that I simply miss his cuddles and wish he was with me.

It is good that you ended up laughing (after the argument) but I can understand why you are still bothered by what he has said about the down days. But this might also be his way of coping with the distance. Hang in there, not long to go now - you will see him soon, just think of that first hug - and all of these worries will be far, far away from your thoughts

[Framboise]

My boyfriend is in the army and life is not fair for him. It didn't prevent me from having fun, seing friends, laughing with my coworkers and stuffs. So I am quite in the same situation as your boyfriend, and my boyfriend is in yours. Life is not ending because he is not here with me. I don't want to give my boyfriend the impression that I am a poor girl lost without him. Of course I miss him, a lot, but you have to keep your mind busy, to enjoy life too, to see friends end to do some activities. Try a new sport, a new activity that you always wanted to try? Play some music? Do stuffs for you. And you'll see when you'll get to meet again, you will be even a better person. That's what I keep telling to myself. Good luck!

[OtantikTin]

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. I really appreciate it.

My boyfriend is in the army and life is not fair for him. It didn't prevent me from having fun, seing friends, laughing with my coworkers and stuffs. So I am quite in the same situation as your boyfriend, and my boyfriend is in yours. Life is not ending because he is not here with me. I don't want to give my boyfriend the impression that I am a poor girl lost without him. Of course I miss him, a lot, but you have to keep your mind busy, to enjoy life too, to see friends end to do some activities. Try a new sport, a new activity that you always wanted to try? Play some music? Do stuffs for you. And you'll see when you'll get to meet again, you will be even a better person. That's what I keep telling to myself. Good luck!

During the time he was away, I did extra classes to better my grades, dozens of activities with friends, have taken a third part time job and other things. I am very busy and I think I'm also very mature about the situation, but prior to the LDR we were seeing each other almost everyday, and did everything together. So of course some days I'm lost.. Like a part of me has been taken away. I don't think it's a bad thing? Doing stuff for myself only gets old after 3 months, I need him by my side. I'm definitely not fit for a LDR, luckily it's almost done.

[Framboise]

So maybe it's not your thing (it's not mine either haha) but you have to go through it and stay strong. There is nothing to do about this situation so you have to be positive! I know it is hard but time will fly quicker that you think in the end!

[OtantikTin]

The end date has been reported.. And we do not have an official set date anymore. It's not going to be anything over a few weeks or a month though.. I'm super sad because it was supposed to be tommorow.