Should I contact her?

[Anomalous1]

Hey all,
I haven't posted on here for awhile. I'm sure there are a few members on here that remember certain pieces of how my last relationship went. Overall, it didn't end the best. I've grown to just keep my distance even though I do think about the relationship at times. I know my ex is in town at the moment. I don't want to try to get back together. I realize that ship has sailed. However, I don't know why and can't explain it but I do want to see her. Should I reach out or just act like she's not near?

[TheSteelAngel]

If a part of you really wants to see her I say take the risk and go see her. I believe that people should be able to take risks and live without regrets. If you believe that you both can be civil with each other then you should go for it.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

If you think it'll do more good than harm, then I'm all for you contacting your ex. Sometimes both sides need the closure that comes with meeting after things have been done for a while, especially when things didn't end very well. I hope that she responds the way that you want and that you two get that closure!

[Elizabeth123]

You want closure...it's normal but...it would be better to stay away. Keep busy or hang out with friends. Concentrate on the present...the past is just that the past.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

You want closure...it's normal but...it would be better to stay away. Keep busy or hang out with friends. Concentrate on the present...the past is just that the past.

I disagree with this. I think that closure is actually really, really important. I guess it depends on the person, but I have two scenarios that exhibit what I'm talking about.

1) The first time I got my heart broken, it ended very abruptly and he refused to talk to me. Two months later, we were back in the same city again and although by that point I was "over him" and realized that the whole thing was for the better, I had extreme anxiety when it came to seeing him around campus and I was having a hard time really moving on. Finally, I caved and contacted him and he agreed to meet for coffee. It was a great hour spent with someone that I had loved before and we both left feeling happy. We both knew our breakup was for the best, but we needed to talk out what happened for either of us to truly move on.

2) My best friend also got her heart broken and it ended very very badly. They dated for three years and he acted like it was a month during the end. It hurt her so bad that he was acting the way that he was, but it helped her move on. She has fallen in love again without that closure, but you can tell that she needed that closure that he never gave her because she panics all the time that it'll happen again with her new SO. She never found out why things ended and she desperately needed that talk for reassurance.

I don't know. I guess it's a personal thing, but I think if both parties are ready for the closure talk it can never be a bad thing. Even if it goes terribly, I guess it just solidifies that the two of you shouldn't be together.

[sasad]

I disagree with this. I think that closure is actually really, really important. I guess it depends on the person, but I have two scenarios that exhibit what I'm talking about.

1) The first time I got my heart broken, it ended very abruptly and he refused to talk to me. Two months later, we were back in the same city again and although by that point I was "over him" and realized that the whole thing was for the better, I had extreme anxiety when it came to seeing him around campus and I was having a hard time really moving on. Finally, I caved and contacted him and he agreed to meet for coffee. It was a great hour spent with someone that I had loved before and we both left feeling happy. We both knew our breakup was for the best, but we needed to talk out what happened for either of us to truly move on.

2) My best friend also got her heart broken and it ended very very badly. They dated for three years and he acted like it was a month during the end. It hurt her so bad that he was acting the way that he was, but it helped her move on. She has fallen in love again without that closure, but you can tell that she needed that closure that he never gave her because she panics all the time that it'll happen again with her new SO. She never found out why things ended and she desperately needed that talk for reassurance.

I don't know. I guess it's a personal thing, but I think if both parties are ready for the closure talk it can never be a bad thing. Even if it goes terribly, I guess it just solidifies that the two of you shouldn't be together.

Agreed. Met up with my ex years after we split. Got some answers, but more importantly, I had the closure I needed. Not to move on or anything like that, just the OK...so we don't hate each other and life is good feeling.

[Honour]

Closure is the only way I could have moved on from the guy I spent 3 years in an LDR with that fell through in the end. We had a fairly volatile friendship for awhile after the break up, but things have calmed down to the point we can be friends without worrying too much. It IS a personal thing, sometimes getting closure is by simply refusing all contact, other times it's best to sort things out then carry on. Depends on the person.

[R&R]

Closure is the only way I could have moved on from the guy I spent 3 years in an LDR with that fell through in the end. We had a fairly volatile friendship for awhile after the break up, but things have calmed down to the point we can be friends without worrying too much. It IS a personal thing, sometimes getting closure is by simply refusing all contact, other times it's best to sort things out then carry on. Depends on the person.

I completely agree with this. Personally, I've never felt the need to go back and rehash things. Once it's done, it's done and I've actually stayed friends with almost all of my ex's. I do have two ex's that come around every couple of years wanting to talk and discuss it and all it does is remind me why I don't even want contact with them anymore.

[Senorita_AE]

Message her

Apologies as I am not aware of your relationship with her, so my answer is purely based on not knowing what outcome you are actually looking for .....

My thoughts, what's the worse that can happen?... She will deny you of that opportunity?! Of course, at first you will be disheartened, a little while after, it will be a distant feeling that will only decrease as time goes on. In the meantime keep your head high, enjoy your life and the next little adventurer will be right round the corner. That's just the worse, what about the best? You meet and enjoy a really great time together. That feeling will last for an eternity. The good memory will always be implanted.

I agree with TheSteelAngel - everybody should be able to take risks and live without the regret.

[hmrambling]

Will you cause more harm to contact her? Will you cause harm at all? Are your reasons selfish?

In some cases, there will never be complete closure. Some relationships are learning experiences; they are meant for us to learn from and then learn how to move on.

I've had plenty of relationships where it was my job to find my own peace about what happened in the relationship.

Also, if she hasn't contacted me, then I doubt I would contact her. She may want space.

[Moon]

If you genuinely know the relationship is over, and you aren't harboring secret hopes and dreams that a meeting could bring, then sure, contact her. Contact her ONCE, respect what response or non-response you receive and that's it. Maybe you'll get to meet, or just chat, or maybe it'll be nothing, but one quick, friendly request can't hurt if the end of the relationship was relatively amicable. Just use common sense, and again, respect the outcome. Good luck!