I need help.

[Merbear21]

Hello all! I've recently got in a relationship of almost 3 months, will hit that mark on the 26th of this month which is cool.

However, I have a girlfriend who I am having personal problems with. The relationship started nice like always, but ever since we hit the two month mark it's been hurting me emotionally but today was kind of the thing that pushed me over the edge honestly.

She has this weird sense of humour which wasn't at all bad when we first dated, but today she asked me a question. Bear in mind, we hardly ever talk nowadays. She asked me a question, completely disregarding my previous replies and asked if she could give a handy to her ex boyfriend which at first thought, my initial response was "What?!". I asked her if she was joking and she wouldn't really answer it, she just told me to answer it and of course I said no. It really hurt me because at the time I took her literal and serious, especially with her not telling me if she was joking or not. But in hindsight, this is her humour I guess.

I flipped out simply put and she told me that I took it way too seriously and didn't apologize about it. We argued about her scheduling a cuddle when she was to go over to her ex's house so I wouldn't see why bringing that up would have had a positive reaction.

After that I asked why she didn't say it was a joke when bringing it up, and she said that it would have made it a moot point to do so and that I had ruined the joke.

That set me off the edge again, as I felt like my feelings were disregarded. I do a lot for her and all she had to do was simply apologize for a joke but she didn't. I said to her that her doing this joke says a lot about how she feels about me, then she countered it and turned it against me on the concept that this showed how I felt about the relationship and her cheating on me, which is incorrect as I never thought of her doing that. After that, she decided to not talk about it and go to sleep.

TL ; DR - Incident went down, I was hurt emotionally, and now I can't help to think if I overreacted or was my actions justified.

It sucks being unable to see how she is emotionally wise especially with her not wanting to talk on the phone and we text all the time.

[Elizabeth123]

Welcome to LFAD!

I would say your "friend" is too immature to be in a relationship. You DO NOT go back to an ex for "a handy". You don't joke about it...that's disrespecting the person you are with. A joke should never hurt your partner. If my SO acted like that I would be seriously angry with him. My suggestion is move on and don't waste time with this person.

[sasad]

Seriously? How old is she?
You have every right to be upset. What if you did the same type of "joke" to her?
Not cool, not funny. And like Elizabeth123 said... immature. And wth is she going to see her ex? Yes, she should have apologized for either being stupid, or just not funny..And seriously, she talks about a hand job, then goes and sees her ex, and that is supposed to be ok for you to NOT think she is cheating?? meh. I vote for justified. Did you discuss this over the phone vs text?

And welcome to LFAD

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I completely agree with Elizabeth123. It's not that you don't have a sense of humor, it's that her joke was seriously not funny. You're barely talking and she wastes the time with something so vulgar and immature? Your feelings were disregarded and her turning it against you just isn't cool. This whole thing isn't cool. My question to you is why are you questioning your feelings? Never apologize for how you feel. Anyone who truly cares about you will be upset that they upset you. Your feelings are ALWAYS valid regardless of whether or not they are overreacting or not because you felt them. Don't ever let anyone tell you anything different.

[C.C.]

Exes are a really painful and sensitive topic for some (including me), even when mentioned sometimes.
Jokes about exes might be really bothersome for even more.
But a freaking SEXUAL joke about an ex? Her doing a handy to him?
That's outright disrespectful. She's acting like a child with no single care in the world.

But what bothers me more is not her weird sense of "humour" but her not even apologising after she heard how it made you feel?
Her blaming you for that and turning itself into a victim?

We argued about her scheduling a cuddle when she was to go over to her ex's house

And what does this even mean?

Seriously, I have no idea what your relationship is like generally, but even from this little moment it seems awfully unhealthy.

[Merbear21]

Sorry, guys I just recently remembered I wrote this post haha.

I'm 19 and she's 18 for the record. I talked to her friend later today about it and he told me that it was how she was as a person, that she's the type to tease. Prior to us arguing about this, she told me not to take her seriously with her sarcasm but the thing that made me think she was being serious on asking about this, was the concept that we didn't talk for a whole day. She messaged me at 11 PM and simply asked that. It was kind of bizarre to me which I messaged her earlier explaining that I do not think she's cheating on me, rather that it's weird. It's weird to not talk to a person and then randomly ask something like that. If it was that we communicated on a daily basis and asked it with a hint of a joke, I probably would not have gotten mad about it as much as I have talked to her ex and he's fine to me, but the whole handy thing was way too out of line for me honestly.

We always communicate through text nowadays. Apparently from us Skyping because she gets Anxiety I suppose that she doesn't really want to do it anymore, she does send me voice notes however.

The cuddle thing which I've hashed out. I'm more of the argue and make up in an hour type person whilst she's more so the person who will get upset and ignore things. It doesn't help that when we argue, I always want to talk through it in order to move on, however she wants to simply sweep things under the rug. I forgave her for the cuddle thing as when we did argue about that, I said no and that it was disrespectful to do so. She understood and said fine. The thing is she's considered an Asexual so, she doesn't apparently see anything bad in that however I saw the idea that things could happen. Irregardless, I moved on from that. It just doesn'take sense to me that she would joke about that knowing my initial opinion was that she couldn't cuddle her ex and that it should trigger in her mind that handjobs or anything are totally out of the picture.

It just really sucks when you try to place a lot in a person, which shows I am trying to understand the reasoning on why she simply couldn't apologize lol. If she did, I would have moved on and yet I haven't got one. I gave her a long text post like I said earlier basically stating that our relationship is changing, that she can't say mean spirited things and expect me not to get hurt on it. It would suck for me to end a relationship based around miscommunication but I refuse to act like the bad person here as I felt I did nothing wrong and actually responded in a very mature manner. Most would tell her to screw off or to go do it, (I asked family what they would say and they were a lot more rude in what they said than I did.). It's a very weird scenario because I've never had this happen in the 3 LDR's that I've had. And no, I never said sorry because I don't think honestly that I deserved to have the situation turned around on me. Now, I'm just waiting for her response. :/

[Elizabeth123]

Please don't apologize to her...a person's sexual orientation IS NOT an excuse to for that behavior....a relationship should be built on friendship, respect and support for each other. You deserve to have a wonderful relationship with someone else. She's putting in zero effort...why spend a minute more with such a person?

[Merbear21]

I have not apologized to her in any way. More specifically on the idea that again, I see I did nothing wrong in any of the scenarios I have given.

I gave her a voice note, quite long one telling her that a relationship is built around communication and that, that is the very foundation of one.

The thing is, her and I are very similar on a lot of things. Social things, activities, and how we view people. I don't want to end a relationship based around a little miscommunication. However, I have told myself that if this happens again or she responds negatively to what I say then I see zero point in continuing a relationship with her.

Sometimes I don't necessarily tell her how I feel and yesterday I went full out and told her that if she does not see that as a bad thing then I do not want to be with her, didn't word it like that but I felt if I sent her two paragraphs along with a voice note letting her know how I feel (I suck at opening up to people) that she will better understand how I feel. However, again if the relationship doesn't turn around then I'm done and I'm going because I deserve a person who understands me and goes out of their way to know when they are wrong. I do that, I see when I am wrong. Again, like I said I don't want to end a relationship around a miscommunication because that's something that can be worked on, but her not getting my point after TWO whole paragraphs and a VOICE NOTE? no. I'm not staying if she refuses to listen to me.

To basically sum that up: I'm trying to respond to this in a positive, mature manner. I'm an adult and she's an adult. Two adults talk of problems and see compromises just like in a relationship, friendship, or work environment. This is basically her last chance and if she breaks this one last chance then I'm done. You could say why waste a minute on someone or something, but people waste time on a lot of things in life. If she cannot compromise then that's it basically.

[C.C.]

Keep us updated about how it goes~