Well, it’s my time to talk about my own relationship’s issues (well one particular one) and ask for an advice~
Wall of text incoming...
It’s 5 days short till 2 months anniversary of us being together again. And It’s been wonderful, we are even more connected, we love each other, we enjoy most of the days together..
Except for arguments. We suck at dealing with them, we sucked before too. It was one of the main reasons that led us to our breakup. Some things were said that couldn’t have been taken back as well. From both sides.
Before we even started a relationship, when we were closer but still on a friendship stage, he once told me how much he hated his trait of being mean towards people when he is frustrated. And I was like “no way I’d mind that, I have had that problem myself for ages now, right?” Boy thinking that was so naive. I think I have learned to take a better care of me being mean, but not about my emotions, generally, till I get to that though, I’ll talk about my SO.
So, he has troubles with handling his frustrations, and whoever causes those frustrations gets to experience it all taken out on them. Mostly those are communication failures too, because if the wording gives ground for him to think so, then he gets frustrated and expresses it. I’d say these are anger issues, but he’s not really angry, and he doesn’t really get actually rude, he just says umm, soft-spot hitting stuff.
And here’s a little paradox about all that. When he’s frustrated about something, he needs to discuss the root and understand it. BUT, because of his frustration he can’t really pay proper attention to whatever I say and it takes quite long to get through him. I don’t even mean long as too much time, it’s just I have to repeat stuff sometimes, etc. There was one time in the past relationship when he took a break from an hour to 2 hours or something to “cool down” but nothing really changed and he was just as frustrated. So we seriously think the only way is to just get through the topic, which not only is MUCH harder due to the frustration itself, but quite mentally exhausting too. I’ll add to this later.
As for the source of his frustration. He’s been like this with EVERYONE for YEARS. He himself calls it his deepest issue that he wants to get rid of the most. I didn’t even need him to tell me all that, I see it in the way he acts around his family too. It was only since we got back together that we really tried to understand each other’s issues. And I saw only then that this wasn’t associated with me only.
Also, the frustration itself is an act of self-protection to him, and what it is all about, really. This may be associated to his past to an extent, I don’t know. But he’s a pretty reserved person when it comes to showing his deeper thoughts and emotions. And whenever he feels like they are not taken appropriately he enters the self-protection state which involves getting frustrated and taking it out all on me (or anyone else really). Also, he has said that when he expresses frustration, his intention is to express his feelings, rather than to attack, which we both know that unsurprisingly fails all the time.
Now of course, we know what the solution to all this is: him questioning things first before he gets frustrated. And even when he does, him working on his self-control and its management things. He’s said himself that this is his issue and something he has to deal with himself, not something I have to take. I agree to it completely, BUT I doubt changes that big happening so soon and so easily, it’s something deeply rooted in him and as much as I am sure he’ll try his best and I will help him with it too, I know the repetition of these kind of moments isn’t unexpected. And I want to know how to deal with them in more healthy ways.
As for me, I am really emotional person generally and sometimes it reaches unhealthy amounts too. When these happened in the past, I reacted to it the same way, I went all out on him. Sometimes it was even me who got frustrated in the first place. I was in a pretty much of a self protection state as well. Besides before a break up we weren’t really a couple, we were just two selfish people being in love. Either way, it hasn’t happened so now, I can’t really do it anymore. And lately I’ve gotten so emotional (quite a few times too) affected by that experience and by our quite tense break up back then, that I would call it panicking practically. The shadow of past fights was creeping on me, especially the first time something like this happened after getting back together, when I DID deserve the frustration, but not the way he did it.
Anyway, what I did lately was just plain stupid. I bottled up whenever I thought he reacted inappropriately and I “saved” them for the talk I planned with him that wouldn’t happen in at least 3 days then. On top of that, I had been thinking that the relationship had gotten pretty one sided or something, which is not really true. The only thing I would really call it, is that his frustration can’t be fought with patience and one way to get through him is if I am feeling emotional/hurt by it. So me not reacting to it at all, not negatively, nor positively, didn’t bring anything better and kind of built up some tension between us, which I ended with opening up anyway. But I hate when someone isn’t being honest in a relationship and as understanding as my SO was I still think I didn’t act quite maturely.
At the end of it, he even told me that he likes when I react to it and he likes when he feels awful cause of it, he says that it’s “healthy” sometimes. (all this within the limits that I don’t just attack him). Hurting him really scared me and made me feel REALLY guilty emotionally though. I don’t want to follow my emotions blindly either and make him far more guilty than what he has done requires, and I kind of fear that I will.
And on top of all this comes a lot of mental and emotional exhaustion. There were a lot of times in the past when we’d just build huge chains of us exchanging our frustration, us being mad at each other. Now small chains happened only once or twice, but in those cases topics were mostly silly. It’s kind of funny that way, if it’s really easy to solve and caused by some silly reason, the tension remains for some reason and continues through all the other topics to come. And when it’s something rather serious, it ends with rather long and exhausting conversations about it. And my emotionality and later panicky reactions about things getting as worse as before don’t really help either.
Considering how good everything else is in between us, I want to avoid these kind of moments as much as possible. I DO know though that fights are sometimes necessary, I know I won’t just be able to achieve perfection and I don’t want it either. I know keeping this less frequent is completely different issue as well, which we’ll deal with. I just want our relationship to not turn into such unhealthiness again. And I want to be able to keep pressure away as much as possible before the changes happen. The fact that only one month of summer is left doesn’t help either, since it means external stress coming into play as well.
....
So the asking advice part: how am I supposed to deal with his harshness and our mentally exhausting arguments? I don't think I can get an exact answer or something, I just want suggestions, other people’s experiences. I want to try out things. Besides, it really interests me how awful this really is/whether we are exaggerating it and how many people have to actually deal with it.
Also, a little note: many people are far from perfect when they are frustrated, and I can’t simply accept “he should respect you and hold everything back because of that” as an answer, because not everyone can and I know how awful he really feels about everything afterwards.
So basically, I want an advice about my part in all this. And I'd like to hear about experiences, from people who have been on BOTH ends of the issue~
Wall of text incoming...
It’s 5 days short till 2 months anniversary of us being together again. And It’s been wonderful, we are even more connected, we love each other, we enjoy most of the days together..
Except for arguments. We suck at dealing with them, we sucked before too. It was one of the main reasons that led us to our breakup. Some things were said that couldn’t have been taken back as well. From both sides.
Before we even started a relationship, when we were closer but still on a friendship stage, he once told me how much he hated his trait of being mean towards people when he is frustrated. And I was like “no way I’d mind that, I have had that problem myself for ages now, right?” Boy thinking that was so naive. I think I have learned to take a better care of me being mean, but not about my emotions, generally, till I get to that though, I’ll talk about my SO.
So, he has troubles with handling his frustrations, and whoever causes those frustrations gets to experience it all taken out on them. Mostly those are communication failures too, because if the wording gives ground for him to think so, then he gets frustrated and expresses it. I’d say these are anger issues, but he’s not really angry, and he doesn’t really get actually rude, he just says umm, soft-spot hitting stuff.
And here’s a little paradox about all that. When he’s frustrated about something, he needs to discuss the root and understand it. BUT, because of his frustration he can’t really pay proper attention to whatever I say and it takes quite long to get through him. I don’t even mean long as too much time, it’s just I have to repeat stuff sometimes, etc. There was one time in the past relationship when he took a break from an hour to 2 hours or something to “cool down” but nothing really changed and he was just as frustrated. So we seriously think the only way is to just get through the topic, which not only is MUCH harder due to the frustration itself, but quite mentally exhausting too. I’ll add to this later.
As for the source of his frustration. He’s been like this with EVERYONE for YEARS. He himself calls it his deepest issue that he wants to get rid of the most. I didn’t even need him to tell me all that, I see it in the way he acts around his family too. It was only since we got back together that we really tried to understand each other’s issues. And I saw only then that this wasn’t associated with me only.
Also, the frustration itself is an act of self-protection to him, and what it is all about, really. This may be associated to his past to an extent, I don’t know. But he’s a pretty reserved person when it comes to showing his deeper thoughts and emotions. And whenever he feels like they are not taken appropriately he enters the self-protection state which involves getting frustrated and taking it out all on me (or anyone else really). Also, he has said that when he expresses frustration, his intention is to express his feelings, rather than to attack, which we both know that unsurprisingly fails all the time.
Now of course, we know what the solution to all this is: him questioning things first before he gets frustrated. And even when he does, him working on his self-control and its management things. He’s said himself that this is his issue and something he has to deal with himself, not something I have to take. I agree to it completely, BUT I doubt changes that big happening so soon and so easily, it’s something deeply rooted in him and as much as I am sure he’ll try his best and I will help him with it too, I know the repetition of these kind of moments isn’t unexpected. And I want to know how to deal with them in more healthy ways.
As for me, I am really emotional person generally and sometimes it reaches unhealthy amounts too. When these happened in the past, I reacted to it the same way, I went all out on him. Sometimes it was even me who got frustrated in the first place. I was in a pretty much of a self protection state as well. Besides before a break up we weren’t really a couple, we were just two selfish people being in love. Either way, it hasn’t happened so now, I can’t really do it anymore. And lately I’ve gotten so emotional (quite a few times too) affected by that experience and by our quite tense break up back then, that I would call it panicking practically. The shadow of past fights was creeping on me, especially the first time something like this happened after getting back together, when I DID deserve the frustration, but not the way he did it.
Anyway, what I did lately was just plain stupid. I bottled up whenever I thought he reacted inappropriately and I “saved” them for the talk I planned with him that wouldn’t happen in at least 3 days then. On top of that, I had been thinking that the relationship had gotten pretty one sided or something, which is not really true. The only thing I would really call it, is that his frustration can’t be fought with patience and one way to get through him is if I am feeling emotional/hurt by it. So me not reacting to it at all, not negatively, nor positively, didn’t bring anything better and kind of built up some tension between us, which I ended with opening up anyway. But I hate when someone isn’t being honest in a relationship and as understanding as my SO was I still think I didn’t act quite maturely.
At the end of it, he even told me that he likes when I react to it and he likes when he feels awful cause of it, he says that it’s “healthy” sometimes. (all this within the limits that I don’t just attack him). Hurting him really scared me and made me feel REALLY guilty emotionally though. I don’t want to follow my emotions blindly either and make him far more guilty than what he has done requires, and I kind of fear that I will.
And on top of all this comes a lot of mental and emotional exhaustion. There were a lot of times in the past when we’d just build huge chains of us exchanging our frustration, us being mad at each other. Now small chains happened only once or twice, but in those cases topics were mostly silly. It’s kind of funny that way, if it’s really easy to solve and caused by some silly reason, the tension remains for some reason and continues through all the other topics to come. And when it’s something rather serious, it ends with rather long and exhausting conversations about it. And my emotionality and later panicky reactions about things getting as worse as before don’t really help either.
Considering how good everything else is in between us, I want to avoid these kind of moments as much as possible. I DO know though that fights are sometimes necessary, I know I won’t just be able to achieve perfection and I don’t want it either. I know keeping this less frequent is completely different issue as well, which we’ll deal with. I just want our relationship to not turn into such unhealthiness again. And I want to be able to keep pressure away as much as possible before the changes happen. The fact that only one month of summer is left doesn’t help either, since it means external stress coming into play as well.
....
So the asking advice part: how am I supposed to deal with his harshness and our mentally exhausting arguments? I don't think I can get an exact answer or something, I just want suggestions, other people’s experiences. I want to try out things. Besides, it really interests me how awful this really is/whether we are exaggerating it and how many people have to actually deal with it.
Also, a little note: many people are far from perfect when they are frustrated, and I can’t simply accept “he should respect you and hold everything back because of that” as an answer, because not everyone can and I know how awful he really feels about everything afterwards.
So basically, I want an advice about my part in all this. And I'd like to hear about experiences, from people who have been on BOTH ends of the issue~
Comment