How do you get past this?

[chrelnka]

Hi there,

So my SO came to visit me for the first time last Monday, we clicked so much and just got on so incredibly well. I know I want to spend my life with him <3 He headed home Friday, really sad but we are hoping to see each other again in November for longer.

I was wondering how it works.....Being in a long distance relationship I feel that you are perhaps always suspended in the "honeymoon phase" because everytime you see each other you are clearly excited, overly happy, grateful, etc. It's the mundane living, everyday life, that we as long distance relationship livers do not experience. We click, we fit, our personalities compliment each other, we just GET each other. We are so comfortable with each other and I know so much about him, I feel you learn more about each other long distance, but there is still the everyday living you miss out on. Has this ever been a problem, or is this something I should worry about? Chances are, the only time we'd ever spend more than a couple weeks together would be if we were to get married one day in the future and he moves to me.

Also, I feel very sad, which is to be expected. Does it get easier and what is the best way to get through this long separation?

Thanks for the advice

[sunmat]

I think that indeed one of the big issues of being in an LDR is not knowing what it would be to live together, and to be in the honeymoon phase whenever you visit. This is something we have talked about a lot, my SO and I, we are trying to figure out how the other functions on a daily basis: do you get up at the same time? what do you expect your partner to do or not do in the house, etc. But even knowing that is like knowing the theory, you still need the practice. Something that helped so far was to read and answer together the "1000 questions for couples" book (one of the forum members was kind enough to send it to me by mail, I can forward it to you if you wish). Another thing we want to try in the future with my SO is avoid hotels and prefer AirBnB when we get together. Even for a week of vacations we would like to see what it feels like to live together in an actual apartment, that is, having to do the dishes, the cleaning, etc.

At the beginning of my LDR I also read a book on how to handle an LDR and one of the chapters was focusing on closing the distance. An important point the authors made was not to rush things, and maybe consider living in separate apartments for a while, in the same city, so you don't get everything at once, you get to see more of your SO's daily routine without having to cope with everything you dislike about it all at once.

About the "feeling very sad", it depends on persons. My SO gets very sad for a week or two after I visit; on my side I kind of feel the opposite, it's like being in a swimming pool for me: when I see her, my head is out of the water and I get to breath; when I live it's like I dive again but I'm energized by the oxygen and can swim well, and the longer I stay under water (that is, the longer I stay away) the more difficult it is. So for me the best way to deal with the separation is to know when I will see her again. It's like seeing the other side of the swimming pool, you get a feel of how long you still need to hold your breath.

Anyways, I wish you all the best in your relationship!

[QueenD]

My SO and I have had some discussions about this exact topic recently. I proposed going to visit him for a bit over 2 weeks and at first he said "wow, that's a long time!" So I countered with "we can discuss duration. How long does it take you to get annoyed with me being there?. His response was that he had never reached that point, and our longest visit was like 9 days. So this visit will be 17 days or so, with about 4 days being a mini vacation and the rest being living life together. My job is pretty portable, so we will both be working and such.

I'm not gonna lie, this is the most nervous I've ever been before a trip. My work situation is hella busy, and J and I do not normally operate on the same schedule at all. It's going to be a real test. I've been to see him two other times. The first one, I was working but work was pretty slow. The second one I just took vacation. This time, it's a longer trip, and work is nuts, and we have more going on with the schedule so it's stressful to think about. We are pretty good about working through things, so I'm sure we will be ok. But I'm betting I'll be tired and a little stressed out for a while.

[ThePhoenixRises]

I understand where you are coming from. I think with LDRs - you spend so much time talking to the person (with no physical contact because you are separated by miles) - that you do have the unique opportunity to learn a lot more about that person - vs having a CDR where you may not discuss things as much because you are also in the 'honeymoon phase' and do have the chance for physical contact too. I think that LDRS can translate to living together/marriage with not much of an issue (most here are successful closing the distance stories) - due to having that chance to learn about each other and also that you don't take the time with your SO for granted because it is so limited and special.

In my situation, the first visit was him coming to me, I took the time off work and he obviously didn't work due to being in my country! That visit was 2 weeks long, and felt more like a 'holiday' I guess, because neither of us worked so it was more of me showing him around my country and town etc. So there wasn't a lot of opportunity for each of us to see how the other reacts in 'real life' situations. However, this being said - I believe that travelling together can also show how that other person is and whether you mesh well with them.

Our next visit was me to him - for one month. He did have to work during this time, most of the days. This visit felt a lot more like 'real life' because he was working, I took care of errands, groceries, cleaning, etc as much as possible. We both discussed his schedule. He had appointments, and he teaches school one evening per week, as well as working. He has a young daughter also, so we needed to discuss his schedule of visits with her during my visit (I spent some of these visits with them, and some of them I didn't so that they could have their own time together). So a lot of real life situations came up, because I was there for a longer time and he worked during this time. Not to mention we were sharing a small studio flat so there wasn't even a living area, just a bedroom and a kitchen and a bathroom. Being in close quarters and him having to work and live as normal really gave a good insight into how well we fit together in normal living circumstances (which by the way - it was wonderful and I loved living with him!) We both have lived alone for years so that was also a bit of an adjustment - but it worked out really well for us.

During this visit it was a lot more like normal life. He had work, meetings, schedules. He had also just bought a new place to live so he had dates and such that we had to be there for them to install things. We selected the furnishings together. We had to plan meals and talk about what we should do on the weekend. It was good to see if we had similar taste in food, furnishings, etc, also. Not that it matters if you do or don't - but it is just good to know I think.

My suggestion is - try to do as much as possible of 'real life' stuff. Plan meals, and do the shopping together. See how well your sleeping patterns match or don't match - does one like to go to bed early and one late? Do one of you prefer to be up early - is the other one grumpy if they have to wake up too early? It doesn't matter - but it is just good to know We also went to movies together etc, which gives an impression of what kind of movies we liked. Even as simple as what kind of music we liked to have on when driving. There are so many small things to discover that will give an idea what it is like to live and spend real time with that other person. For me, it was nice because he called me before he left work to let me know when he would be home. That way I wasn't hanging around waiting and not knowing. So it gave me a good impression of how he communicates and what it would be like if I lived with him permanently. The same with his daughter - he always communicated the schedule to me.

Having spare time together on a weekend - did he like to do the same things as I did? Or are our hobbies vastly different? A few weeks with a person will indicate this kind of thing. Again, we are lucky because we have a lot in common in regards to how to spend a lazy (or active!) Sunday.

I will be going to stay with him for 3 months soon. This will be as close to real life as it gets.

I say enjoy your time with your SO - and don't fret too much about the small things. If you are both happy, enjoy each others company and can also accept each others differences in the small things, it will be okay. I think the main thing is to discuss the big issues (when you are ready) - such as thoughts on finances and how to manage them if you live together, thoughts on marriage/living together/children or no children, political and/or religious differences. Not that these things matter if both don't have the same opinion - but it is just good to know these things I think. I think some of the top reasons for relationships ending are money, sex, kids. I think it is important to discuss some of these bigger issues before committing - only because it can save some heartache later one. Again it doesn't matter if you and your SO don't agree on them, it is just how you handle your differences and compromises.

For me also, I was interested to see how we would be for our first argument. We didn't really have one yet - only a small one but it is nice for me to see how he fights Does he yell? Ignore me for three days? Storm off slamming doors? Everyone is different and for me I am very much enjoying getting to know how my SO is in these normal aspects of life.

Good luck - I hope this helps

[chrelnka]

Thank you all for your responses. We have all the same views on people, we have the same humor, political, religious views. We just GET each other, almost like we've known each other our whole lives. I just wish it would be feasible for us to spend proper time together - we are both young, I'm 22 he's 25, both living with our parents so we will never truly know what it is like alone and "living" together until we would make that jump to marriage one day. It's my first relationship too, so it's difficult to compare it to anything else really!