The Ups and Downs

[nickel32]

I just need to rant. Maybe someone else will have some input but I'm at a severe loss and don't know how to procede.
My boyfriend and I have been "official" for 5 months (but we have been talking and "off the market" for 7.5 months). It is a 6 hour drive between us and he works shift work so his schedule is pretty wonky. We get to see each other every other weekend. I saw him at the beginning of August and everything was perfectly fine. He went home on a Tuesday and then by Wednesday night he was telling me about how the distance is so hard and that he couldn't let me move away from my family and that we'll be doing distance for at least another year so when he was asked if he could do it he said he would figure it out (I gave him a straight answer and I said that I am still 100% willing to make this work). I was just up there on the weekend and things were pretty tense. We talked it over and I feel like we got no where. He's still very closed off and I don't know how to procede. I can feel myself pulling away so I don't get hurt but I also know I still want to try. But I just don't see how it's fair that I'm left in the dark constantly wondering when he's going to end things.
Basically this whole thing started because his friend was asking him questions about us and saying that at 5 months there should be some sort of plan (that's all he told me, I have a couple people telling me that because of this conversation he's scared because big changes are on the horizon).
Anyways, I just want to know that I'm not alone and get some opinions from people who are in LDRs and see if pulling away and letting him figure it out is the right thing to do or if I keep trying.

(Note: next time we are supposed to see each other is the night of August 19. I might plan a surprise and go see him this weekend though depending on how the week goes. Thoughts?)

[C.C.]

I think you should give him some time and space.

Long distance relationships aren't an easy thing to do and it seems like he's just now realising how hard it actually is. It's not fair, but not everyone takes things the same and you two apparently aren't on the same page for now.
If he decides that he's ready and willing to give it a try and he's ready for all the hardships to come, nothing better. But if he does not, there's nothing you can do, honestly.

[sasad]

Seems to me that he is talking to other people and getting ideas etc., instead of talking to you.... There really isn't a timeline on relationships in CD or LDR unless you specifically want or ask for them. But, at that point, you both need to talk it out and decide. Not his friends etc.

Surprise visits when things are a little shaky may not end up well. I would call and ask if you can visit and talk face to face. Its the fair thing to do for BOTH of you.

[QueenD]

I don't know who he is listening to that is telling him there should be a plan after 5 months, but the person is wrong. The time for discussing a plan is whenever the couple is ready to discuss a plan. This could start of with Person A saying "can we start making a plan?" And person B saying "I'm not ready for that yet." And then waiting a few months to check in again.

My SO and I have been together since December, and we don't have a plan. I would be OK with starting to make a plan, but I am not at a point where we need to have a "shit or get off the pot" conversation. Instead, I am doing things to educate myself in case the eventual plan needs to be me moving to SC, which I'd say is about 75% likely to be the answer. I've been planning longer visits and also have been investing heavily into some things at my job to make it more likely that I'll be able to keep my job if I decide to move in the future. I am also going to investigate the job market in his city more in case I can't keep this job. But there is not move date, engagement discussion, or any of that just yet.

D

[aoitori]

Give him some time, don't pressure him. If you want to visit, ask and don't make a surprise visit. That's never good when things are tense.

I don't know how your talks went, but if you feel it's not settled, you should tell him this. I would also tell him how you feel, that it upsets you and don't know how to handle things right now. Maybe you could tell him, that, like you said, you're 100% sure that you want to do this and will wait until he's also 100% behind this even though it's hard. And that you two are the only ones who can make decisions regarding your relationship.

[nickel32]

Long distance is definitely a lot harder than I thought it would be. From the talks we have had about it we both feel like the time we do get to spend together is worth being apart but he said he doesn't like the feeling of being "miserable" when we are apart. I totally understand that too because it sucks. But it really does feel like his friend planted some sort of idea in his head because of the fact that he did a complete 180 overnight.
My SO has told me that this friend has also made comments about how whenever his GF is mad at him she'll either get over it or leave him, either way it doesn't matter. So it sucks to hear that the advice that this friend gave my SO is the advice that stuck. After he brought it all up the first time he said "just forget I said anything. I really shouldn't have said anything at all" and I really do want to forget it, but it's hard to leave a big bombshell like that alone and forget that it happened.
I think space is probably the best thing to do right now and it's good to have that feeling validated, it's just hard to do because I don't like when conflict isnt dealt with and a solution isn't made.

Thank you everyone for all your responses

[nickel32]

UPDATE:
Just an update for everyone. We talked about everything today and he decided to end things. Thank you for everyone's help!

[QueenD]

I'm sorry to hear things didn't go as you hoped, but this leaves you room to find someone who is more open to a great relationship. Good luck!

[Chris516]

I just need to rant. Maybe someone else will have some input but I'm at a severe loss and don't know how to procede.
My boyfriend and I have been "official" for 5 months (but we have been talking and "off the market" for 7.5 months). It is a 6 hour drive between us and he works shift work so his schedule is pretty wonky. We get to see each other every other weekend. I saw him at the beginning of August and everything was perfectly fine. He went home on a Tuesday and then by Wednesday night he was telling me about how the distance is so hard and that he couldn't let me move away from my family and that we'll be doing distance for at least another year so when he was asked if he could do it he said he would figure it out (I gave him a straight answer and I said that I am still 100% willing to make this work). I was just up there on the weekend and things were pretty tense. We talked it over and I feel like we got no where. He's still very closed off and I don't know how to procede. I can feel myself pulling away so I don't get hurt but I also know I still want to try. But I just don't see how it's fair that I'm left in the dark constantly wondering when he's going to end things.
Basically this whole thing started because his friend was asking him questions about us and saying that at 5 months there should be some sort of plan (that's all he told me, I have a couple people telling me that because of this conversation he's scared because big changes are on the horizon).
Anyways, I just want to know that I'm not alone and get some opinions from people who are in LDRs and see if pulling away and letting him figure it out is the right thing to do or if I keep trying.

(Note: next time we are supposed to see each other is the night of August 19. I might plan a surprise and go see him this weekend though depending on how the week goes. Thoughts?)

Going on your locales'. Are you in Edmonton, and he is in Saskatoon? If so, 6hr. drive is nothing where distance is concerned. Because, The two of you can see each other. Without having to buy an airline ticket.

Edit: Sorry I didn't read your update before I replied.

[aoitori]

Sorry to hear that. Wish you all the best!

Going on your locales'. Are you in Edmonton, and he is in Saskatoon? If so, 6hr. drive is nothing where distance is concerned. Because, The two of you can see each other. Without having to buy an airline ticket.

This isn't a competition. Even a six hour drive is difficult to handle and can strain a relationship. I think we shouldn't judge.

[sasad]

Going on your locales'. Are you in Edmonton, and he is in Saskatoon? If so, 6hr. drive is nothing where distance is concerned. Because, The two of you can see each other. Without having to buy an airline ticket.

Edit: Sorry I didn't read your update before I replied.

Wow... You seriously just said that?

[C.C.]

If so, 6hr. drive is nothing where distance is concerned. Because, The two of you can see each other. Without having to buy an airline ticket.

Yeah 12+ hours long flights with layovers are nothing either. You reach the destination, duh!

[Moon]

Going on your locales'. Are you in Edmonton, and he is in Saskatoon? If so, 6hr. drive is nothing where distance is concerned. Because, The two of you can see each other. Without having to buy an airline ticket.

Edit: Sorry I didn't read your update before I replied.

Did you do all that investigation just to make the OP feel bad? What was the purpose otherwise?