Advice on how to help boyfriend with depression

[blue29]

Hello everyone,

Looking for some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and it's absolutely great. However, over the last few months we've had a fair few arguments (more than usual) and we end up in the same rut and not moving forward. At the time it feels like we've resolved it but a few weeks later, a full blown argument again. The frustrating thing is that the arguments tend to spark over nothing. I'd started feeling like we just weren't meant to be, I started getting a bit bitter and resentful feeling like all he does is sleep and isn't proactive about moving forward with us or his life. It takes him months to do something. He has a negative state of mind, he puts off doing things because he's convinced it's going to fail and 'what's the point'. These aren't things that he's communicated to me, they are things I've picked up on.

He's a sweet, kind, compassionate, caring person who works hard to provide for everyone else and make everyone else happy. He feels he doesn't deserve anything good, and I find sometimes when things start getting difficult for us, he takes a step back assuming it's all going to end anyway because everything good he has, he loses (his words, not mine).

In the last couple of weeks it's clicked to me that he's suffering from depression. He has all the classic signs. Today I spoke to him to try and get us to a better frame of mind after a silly argument the other day that has both made us feel 100 times worse than the capacity of the argument warranted. He was incredibly brave and admitted that he thinks he's depressed too, he's never known any different and he's felt like this is whole life. I admitted that some of my faults caused troubles and I'm by no means blameless - I can be emotional and sensitive sometimes, and I have a temper. But now I really understand why some of his reactions and behaviours have been as they are and why I've been reacting the way I have also - I was questioning his commitment to me.

He's agreed to make an appointment with the doctor next week. It's a massive step forward because it took a long time to convince him that he doesn't have to feel like this, he can be happy and he can have the life he wants. He does not deserve eternal sadness, no one does.

I know it will take patience and there'll be stumbling blocks along the way but I am committed to him, I love him more than anything and want to be nowhere else but with him. Visits are not an option for a few months due to me not being medically fit to fly as well as financial and work constraints for both of us. I'd love nothing more than to fly to him even just for the day to be by his side at that doctor's appointment.

I want to be the best support for him I can be from 4,500 miles away. Any advice is appreciated, and thanks for listening

[Katy_G]

Aw I feel for you

Let your SO feel he can truly open up to you about his situation---his progress, the good days and the bad days.

[C.C.]

Honestly? You being there for him, listening and talking about it all will be quite enough already. You already did really well too, convincing him that he needed help and that he DESERVED happiness. I can somehow relate to your situation, I won't go into detail though.
But be there for him, help him open up with you, be patient. Even if he gets frustrated and even if he feels really really awful, try to understand where it is coming from and don't get too mad at him.

Also, you could spoil him when he feels down, like send things over mail and stuff like that. Or if you can't, just do something you can show him digitally. I sometimes draw things or just do silly pixel arts in MS Paint. Last night I took lightning video for him and he was happy about it. (He loves watching lightning storms).

Best of luck :3

[sasad]

Sometimes its better to talk with a professional. There could be deeper issues and/or medication that can really help him cope with life.
Yes, be there for him, but you cant "cure" him. Can he talk to clergy, counselor or even a hotline?

[blue29]

I really appreciate all of your replies! I'm glad I'm on the right track, encouraging him to feel safe and comfortable to communicate (or not communicate) with me is important. Sometimes when you're in the middle of a situation the obvious answers aren't always so obvious

Katy_G - that's really good advice, I thought about the progress and letting him know he can talk to me when he's having bad days but I didn't even think about the good days. That's something I know he'll feel good about sharing with me, and it will mean we won't get into a cycle of feeling like we only talk properly on bad days and perhaps resulting in him feeling even worse. Thanks

C.C. The 'deserving happiness' part is something he couldn't fathom and I think he's still bewildered at the prospect and doesn't believe it. But he'll discover soon enough that he'll get there and I'll make sure he knows all the time that it's not a privilege to be happy, it's a right and he has nothing to feel guilty about. You've got super ideas about sending something digitally, I never thought of that and he would absolutely love it. I was thinking about sending him a journal or some type of notebook - he used to love writing and doesn't do it anymore, and he often muses about writing down his feelings to clear out his head. And we too also love lightning storms! He lives in the USA and films some phenomenal videos to send me. Thanks for your tips

sasad - I agree with you, I think there is too. I know he's had a rough childhood and past in general, but it's something he never felt comfortable talking about so I didn't push it. I figured there must be some deep issues that have been buried for a long time when he told me that he's never felt any different to how he does now, he's never felt happy and that even as a child he always felt sad. I think the first step he's going to take is to set up an appointment to get registered with a doctor, then ask them about medication and get referred to a professional. He's already made progress - when he woke up this morning, he checked his health insurance coverage, looked up nearby doctors registering new patients and has noted down two of them. He never would have done this before, and normally doing something like just going to the bank can take him weeks to do. I'll let him take the next step of calling to set up an appointment in his own time so he doesn't feel like I'm suffocating him but I will keep an eye on it to make sure he doesn't start to feel it's wrong to focus on himself for a change and not do it. I'm hoping he gets a referral to a counsellor quickly (not quite sure how it works in the USA - it takes months in the UK). He's not religious but I will suggest a hotline to him, that's a great idea in the interim for him to talk to someone openly and not feel the anxiety of it being in person, he can stay anonymous for a bit until he finds his feet. Thanks for your advice

[BFG]

I've had depression for a few years now, with varying degrees of severity. It's all a parabola - peaks and troughs.

The biggest thing my partner has done, the biggest help that she gives me is just by being straight up about it. My philosophy, and you'll find the same with anyone who takes their mental illness seriously, is that it's no different to any other long term affliction. Some people have asthma, some people have weak immune systems, some people have high blood pressure but its never a taboo. You and your partner should applaud yourselves by not hiding it away in the dark and in shame.

My depression manifests fairly simply - each day can either be categorized as a good day or a bad day and there's very little in between. This week at work has been really terrible, i'm struggling with just keeping positive about my job but it's not a bout of depression its just a bout of having some shitty days at work and that happens to everyone.

Last night i was talking to J and she said that she was worried i'd be depressive as a result of these bad days - straight away she brought it up, put it out there and let me know that she cared and she keeps an eye on my mental state. That in itself is the biggest help on days where I am down and where it is as a result of my depression. In the year that we've been together she's taken the time to learn about my depression, to recognize things that trigger swings of bad days and to talk to me about it. A lot.

It's a wonderful thing just knowing that the person you love loves you back and cares and wants you to be happy and healthy.

[blue29]

That's really great advice, I guess I'm overthinking it and just need to let it come naturally and show him like you said, that I love him and want him to be happy and healthy.

His communication isn't great and he's working on it, but I've found he seems to have become less enthusiastic and excited about things over the time I've known him, almost to the point that he's not feeling anything at all other than numb. I guess that's where I'm struggling the most - I'll tell silly jokes and be goofy and it barely raises a smile. I try to ask him what he's feeling and he'll change the subject or answer with one word responses. I'll ask him what he wants to do and he'll metaphorically shrug his shoulders then eventually fall asleep. I'll talk away about stories or funny things and I can tell he's not feeling it. I'll try to just be with him and I feel like I'm in his way or he doesn't really want me around. I've asked how I can support him or be there for him and he doesn't know. I understand all of this and I know it feels to him like he doesn't have answers but that's where I begin feeling like I'm useless and making him feel worse or not helping at all. He'll have a few rare moments where he will tell me he's feeling low, not motivated, anxious or a feeling of doom. When he does, I try to talk to him or get him to talk more and then he closes back up again and pretends like he never said it or he was just joking or I'm making it out to be a bigger deal than it actually is and then he'll cover up with 'I'm fine' with a smiley face and then the conversation is over. This is where I'm really finding it hard, I just don't know whether any of what I'm doing is making him feel better but because he's not good with words he doesn't say it or if I'm actually annoying him and stop all of that but then I'm lost as to what to do. At the moment I'm just trying to be there for him i.e. I keep my phone with me and keep myself free for when he wants to spend time, but he goes quiet and I feel the pressure of keeping our conversations going just simply because I don't want to let him down and be an awful girlfriend for not knowing how to comfort him. It does eventually take a toll on me, I find myself watching my phone waiting for him just in case he needs me and putting my life on hold. But I want to put him first - what am I doing wrong?