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**sunmat** · August 23, 2016, 07:59 AM

I can't tell for my SO but this is what happened for me (we have been together for 8 months):

- At the beginning (like the first month or so), the only sight of the blinking notification LED on my phone would make my heart race (she is pretty much the only one with whom I text); now it's more "ah I got a text from her, cool".

- I was highly unrealistic at the beginning (first 2 months or so), thinking I could just throw away my career and find any job in her country just to be with her. She told me that she shouldn't be taken into account in my career decisions. Now I'm looking for jobs that at the same time get me closer to her and are in line with my career goals.

- More trust. Until my second visit it was quite hard for me to trust her, especially that she is still somehow in contact with her ex and also has a best friend that she hangs out with every day, it took me some time to accept the fact that her ex wasn't a threat anymore and neither is her best friend.

- Maybe a bad thing: the "puppy love" disappearing, I became more aware of her flaws and of what I'm getting into by committing to her. This makes me ask myself a lot of questions as to whether she is the right person or not, and those are difficult to answer because 1) we haven't yet lived together, and 2) some of what I don't like about her is tied to the long-distance situation. For example, I hate that she is always late on Skype, but when we are together, I don't mind if I have to wait for her an hour to get ready to go out.

**Katy_G** · August 23, 2016, 09:27 AM

At the beginning, my SO and I were always mincing words, and we consistently chose light and fun topics for our chats or weekly calls.

Now, almost 9 months in, we're quite more upfront with each other, even calling each other out if necessary. We now have learned to talk about some of the difficult things such as our pasts, or each other's points for improvement.

**Jelly11** · August 23, 2016, 03:36 PM

I've only been with my SO for four months so I find this thread interesting to read.

I, of course, can't detail a long journey or anything like that.

**ThePhoenixRises** · August 23, 2016, 06:15 PM

The first few months (before we met) it was much more of a rollercoaster - especially with communication. If I didn't hear from him by a certain time - I assumed he didn't want to talk to me!! Lots and lots of ups and downs and emotions all over the place. If I didn't get an email from him, or see that I have received a message on Skype, I used to always think the worst. Once we actually met - all of this changed, and became a lot more 'normal', I guess. Because we have now talked for a year, I know his schedule really well and he knows mine - if he doesn't get a chance to email me, or doesn't send me a message on Skype by a certain time - I don't even worry about it at all, because I have developed such a great trust in him, and I know that I will hear from him as soon as he can manage it (we are on very opposite timezones). We communicate with each other every single day - even if it is just a small message on Skype (if he is with his daughter or we are at work etc). We have now fallen into a very familiar and nice pattern with communication, and it makes this LDR much, much easier.

I much prefer the stage we are in now to the puppy love/rose-coloured glasses stage - because everything is a lot more certain, comfortable and relaxed - and our communication is so much better. My feelings for him are a lot deeper now than they were during the first couple of months. I don't deal very well with the highs and lows emotionally - I like stability - which is why I am much happier now (although, every time I see him in person, I feel like I have fallen back into that nice honeymoon period - and it is great!).

Meeting him in person is what helped us to get to this nice stage - where we are past the uncertain stage. Once we had met in person, our conversations became more open and honest, with more discussions about the bigger things like closing the distance, what our goals/dreams are for the future and how he sees me fitting into his life with his young daughter.

But oh boy, those first few months (Sept - November last year) they were amazing but I have never been on such a rollercoaster emotionally before! It was all very new to me to be in an LDR like this and my overthinking went crazy. I am glad now that we stuck it out and took the chance to meet.

**OtantikTin** · August 23, 2016, 09:03 PM

Originally posted by ThePhoenixRises View Post

The first few months (before we met) it was much more of a rollercoaster - especially with communication. If I didn't hear from him by a certain time - I assumed he didn't want to talk to me!! Lots and lots of ups and downs and emotions all over the place. If I didn't get an email from him, or see that I have received a message on Skype, I used to always think the worst. Once we actually met - all of this changed, and became a lot more 'normal', I guess. Because we have now talked for a year, I know his schedule really well and he knows mine - if he doesn't get a chance to email me, or doesn't send me a message on Skype by a certain time - I don't even worry about it at all, because I have developed such a great trust in him, and I know that I will hear from him as soon as he can manage it (we are on very opposite timezones). We communicate with each other every single day - even if it is just a small message on Skype (if he is with his daughter or we are at work etc). We have now fallen into a very familiar and nice pattern with communication, and it makes this LDR much, much easier.

I much prefer the stage we are in now to the puppy love/rose-coloured glasses stage - because everything is a lot more certain, comfortable and relaxed - and our communication is so much better. My feelings for him are a lot deeper now than they were during the first couple of months. I don't deal very well with the highs and lows emotionally - I like stability - which is why I am much happier now (although, every time I see him in person, I feel like I have fallen back into that nice honeymoon period - and it is great!).

Meeting him in person is what helped us to get to this nice stage - where we are past the uncertain stage. Once we had met in person, our conversations became more open and honest, with more discussions about the bigger things like closing the distance, what our goals/dreams are for the future and how he sees me fitting into his life with his young daughter.

But oh boy, those first few months (Sept - November last year) they were amazing but I have never been on such a rollercoaster emotionally before! It was all very new to me to be in an LDR like this and my overthinking went crazy. I am glad now that we stuck it out and took the chance to meet.

I also much prefer our relationship as it is now, even though he is no longer cheesy-weezy in public, my feelings for him are so much deeper and real. It's a strong bond and companionship that we developed through those years. It hasn't always been easy but it was so worth it.

**TaraMarie** · August 24, 2016, 05:36 AM

I don't think much has changed for us. We've been doing this four years and married in July. Actually, I told him every time I look down and see my ring on his finger I remember we are married. I keep forgetting! It all still feels the same for me, probably because our routine is the same. So for us, there are only two difference from 4 1/2 years ago until now....I have a new last name and we are together every weekend. Well, three.....I can ask him for money if I need it

**sasad** · August 24, 2016, 12:50 PM

Better communications.
More affectionate
Better at compromises
S3x is amazingly better as we are mentally closer and connected on a different level.

**Honour** · August 24, 2016, 02:44 PM

Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Love.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. We had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

I think this fits somehow.

**kittyxuchiha11** · August 24, 2016, 05:18 PM

hmm well i'm not sure there's much a list but here we go

We're comfortable with each other and don't have to talk for hours on end each day. when we first met i'd sacrifice all my time to talk to her but now we understand that we're both very busy and an 8 hour time difference makes it very had to talk most the time.

she shows her love for me more. when we first got together she was still very reserved and unsure of our relationship but now she'll just message me to tell me she loves me randomly and will say all sorts of cute things that never fail to make me smile.

we're both more understanding and if there's a problem we will talk about it even if it does cause a fight

**differentcountries** · August 25, 2016, 05:17 AM

What has changed... a lot! In the beginning, I was hard fast in love with him and his country; I thought they were both amazing but I did not know much. I wanted to learn much fast. I think I picked up the mentality pretty fast, even if my understanding of him and his fellow folks has envolved.
In the beginning, I knew I wanted the relationship, but I had no idea how to (and ended up here!). I have never even dated outside the city before this, and I was flat broke. And he was broke! Somehow I managed to afford buying him a smart phone 1-2 months into the relationship. And to visit after two months. I got a smart phone, too. I educated myself about travelling.
In the beginning, everything he did and said was super meaningful. Time was preacious because we did not have much visits. Shopping groceries with him was amazing. I was housewife proud to wash his loundry. I was easily hurt, as well. There was misunderstandings. We struggled using condoms. He felt he always had "too little" of me and it was very hard on him mentally. I was not part of his social environment, although I slowly met people important to him.
Six months into the relationship, I met his mum, aunt, grandmum, some of this brothers and cousins, and their cows in their small rural village.
Eight months, my husband and SO met. It was weird and nice to be in the same room with the both of them, even if they had communicated on Skype and Facebook .
I got a part time job (after having been too sick to work), which was a booster for me
I started using steady birth control (IUD) and it was surprisingly meaningful to him that we did that. He asked lots of questions to make sure I was not in any way hurt by it, he was super cute!
I took up my studies alongside work, and made a deal with work to stay away one week a month. Then I used all my money and then some to rent a flat with SO for two seasons, and visit every moth. I cooked for him, we still have bikes there, and cats. I stayed a whole one month on two occations. husband came to visit there. His relatives came to visit too.
He came here for a visit. It was both nice and scary for him. Our first visa application was not granted, so making this happen was like having a baby together!

I started to learn his language.
We experienced bad things. We lost money, our first cat died, and SO had a fallout with his employer. We both were scared that the relationship would end. I had debt from travelling.
But I was able to visit his family a second time, and it was very sweet. We had a real talk about our future.
He changed jobs, and we stopped renting to save money. I do a million things to save money!
I changed jobs to work full time. My job is flexible enough to allow for me to travel, but right now I work a lot to learn.

What changed:
We used to be in touch a lot. Lots of texts, pics, Skype calls. The change related a lot to his work hours - it is not easy to have a proper talk after a 12 hour shift ending in the night.
I thought we would have lots of Skype sex. this has not happend. On the other hand, I enjoy it when it happens!
I used to write him letters a lot, make books etc. I have less time, and I also dont have this need to do it anymore.
We used be focused on making visits happen. Now we are more focused on closing the distance
Language: In the beginning I did not know his language at all. Now I know basic grammer and I also know some words. I can hold simple conversation, and I understand a lot when I watch tv or hear other people talk. I listen to Turkish music all the time, and take language classes. He has been studiying besides his job, but he has slowly started to learn my language too. I hope to make him take formal studies when he comes to visit 2-3 months. We want him to come work at a restaurant here, but he has to learn basic Norwegian first.
We are better at talking things out. The stupid misunderstanding we had in the beginning just does not happen anymore
We are not scared to be seen having "bad sides". We have seen each other cry, and rage, dirty and vounerable. We dont play any games. Especially he knows that even though he is sometimes silly, I really really LIKE him - he knows this. He learned to be more direct. I learned to be more indirect and discrete.
I know his culture and country. He doesn't have to explain things to me anymore
He has learned some from my country, but it is a bit unbalanced. I have visited him more than 20 times, he only visited my country once. He needs to get to know my friends and see my daily life, and meet more of my family.
I have gotten a bigger flat, with more room for a longer visit. We are redecorating it and fixing it, making it ready for when he comes
Our family is planning kids

We have become more affectionate in public. In the beginning, he was almost scared to look at me in fron of other people - he literally were scared to hold my hand on the bus on the first visit "because an old lady was looking". We are more discrete when in Turkey, especially in the countryside, but we are not afraid to show others we are a couple.
I am part of his social circle. I have perhaps 100 of his friends and family members in my Facebook list. I am regarded as his bride to be and it makes us both proud when others talk like that

His aunt did my hair and nails. His friend gave me a tatoo. He has little free time, but when we do we hang out with his friends. Some I even regard more as MY friends. We went to a wedding as a couple.
We have tried out hobbies together. Bicycling, swimming, going to spa, cooking, making drinks and milkshakes, taking care of cats and dog, dancing (he very rarely dances, but when he does it with me I am very honored!), nightclub, sightseeing, drinking a million cups of Turkish tea, language learning etc. He went to yoga with me!

Sex has changed a lot. We allow ourselves to be vounerable as well as porny. Sex has become very easy. I am grateful he is still into me. I though I was the one with a high libido, but he is the runner up for sure.
We notice new things we like about each other. I really started to like the way his skin smell. He says that my personality intrigues him. I am really attracted to his sponity. He thinks my combo of houswife skills and university education makes me the hot New Woman. We talk about difficult matters, such as how deal with money, kids and closing the distance.
I know his flaws. He is shy of conflict and he will easily lie or dissapear if he is overwealmed. He wants me to guess how he feels. He is not a planner, and not really creative with gifts or plans. He is a little boyish and the future scares him. He has a lot of grief in him, perhaps not so surprising since his sister died 6 months before he met me and he never really processed it. It is easy for others to take advantage of his sweet sides. It is easy for him to "hide in the open" because he is so welcoming that you dont see that he is also strange, and agressive, and a loner at times. He is not physically strong. He doesnt have a wellpayed job.
I know his strong sides. On his best he is like a wonderful, cheerful puppy that just bouces up to welcome you, or he is the melancolic elf who wants to float around the city admiring the darkness of the night. He wants to live a sorted, decent life. He is good with his money. He takes care of his health. He cares about his family, friends and animals.
He knows me better. And I have loored my way into his mind, and I am his rock. He took care of me when my mother got seriously sick - even if he himself struggled with his depression... And he was super supportive when I lost my job. I will never forget his support in these very difficult times. I know he appreciates that I was t here for him when there as an attempted military coup in his country, there has long been a civil was in the east, but this time was really scared. And he was not scared to let me know.
I am not like thrilled and happy just thinking about him all the time. 3 years along the road, I have more friendly thoughts, and sometimes upset thoughts. Our 2nd aniversery were not a good moment for us. At the same time, I find new things about him that I like. But I am also happy to see our mental and physical connection. He has an amazing stamina, especially for being as impulsive as he is. And he really loves me, I know this. He looks at me like I am the present at Christmas lol
Some of his friends really like me, and others at least tolerate me. They see that I care about SO, and I also respect the connection they have with SO. I especially like his relation to a female cousin and his slightly older brother. The female cousin came to live with us on our wedding trip, and they took me out on a boat etc. We were on a boat with a foam party!
Early on we started to have our own humour and funny things. They relate often to Turkish things or things that happend when I visited in Turkey.
We slowly developed a "suggestion box", to medite between my need for planning and his need to go with the flow. We throw suggestions in the "box" and agree to not jump to conclutions until the both of us agree that "it is a plan". This reduced our fights and conflicts with 70 %. We are also getting better at listening and learning when the other person says and does something.
He has become a part of my life and soul. I used to have nightmares that he would die - I always imagined him killed by a bus, for some reason. I also have dreams like these about my husband, that he should die/break up/dissapear. Being scared to loose is the sign of love and connection. I would be absolutely heartbroken if I was to loose SO, and I know that to him it is incomprehensable that I would not be in his life. I actually cry just thinking about it and writing this! Like a silly bride...

I used to think of love like chocolate, a luxury. Now love is to me like water, a necessity. - KD Lang

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