Deal breakers in past relationships

[sunmat]

This is not really LDR-related but I didn't know where to post it.

I would be curious to hear from other people the reasons that led them to break up in past relationships. By this I don't include the "he/she cheated on me", or "we had a huge fight and it was just one too many". I would like to hear about times people thought "because of X, I think this person is not the person I should be with", what was X?

I'm asking because when I broke up with my ex, I had a lot of reasons to do it, some related to things she did to me, and some related to traits of her behavior. After that I thought "I should be careful with the next person I'm with, that she doesn't have such traits". Yet my SO does share some traits with my ex, starting with being pathologically late all the time, and complaining a lot. That being said, contrary to my ex, she is very honest, very emphatic, kind, and hard working.

This makes me think that there might be some defaults that can be compensated by other qualities. For you, has there ever been a default that you knew was a dealbreaker, and that could not be compensated by anything, making you certain that the person you were with was not the right one?

[Ejoriah]

The biggest one for me was based on different gender role expectations. Simply put, I'm very driven and ambitious and expect my partner to be able to take care of himself. I dated someone who expected me to do the laundry, cooking and house chores whilst he would just be responsible for mowing the lawn. He expected me to be around to serve food and drinks when his guy friends were over to play video games. Even worse, he thought it was my duty to please him sexually whenever he asked.

[Jelly11]

My last relationship which was four years long had several deal breakers.

The number one deal breaker, which I don't attribute to 100% of the reason for break up (surprisingly), was his asexuality and the fact that as a sexual person I couldn't imagine a future with him. I tried so hard for so long but no.

Secondly, he wouldn't come abroad with me anywhere. This reason might sound petty to some but I would see other couples go on holiday together all the time and it would upset me a lot. I had to go abroad on my own all the time, constantly explaining to family and friends that he just wouldn't come with me. Yet he would expect me to go to places I hated within our country.

Lastly, we had a huge lack of similar interests which would really come to a head when we talked about the future. His dream of living in a little cottage in the xmiddle of nowhere, coming home to me having dinner on the table was far from what I had in mind. This difference in interests was also evident in religious views and I don't know if I could date someone devoutly religious again because of how much they have a problem with ME rather than the other way around.

Ha when I type it out I wonder how we lasted so long.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

In my past relationship, there wasn't really a deal breaker. We just were awful together and never really noticed until 6 months in. I suppose if I had to pick one now, it was the fact that we were so dependent on one another. It was a terribly unhealthy relationship, and it's hard to realize that until it's done. My relationship with my current partner is such the opposite that I realize that I need a really independent relationship. We both need our own lives and alone time.

As I struggle through rebuilding my current relationship, I'm realizing that deal breakers for me include not being a priority in my partner's life-- If you love me, you should be able to sacrifice time with your friends in order to spend time with me-- and not getting enough affection from him. I don't need him to be hanging all over me all the time or showering me with gifts, but as the cracks are showing, I realize that those were the things that he used to do that made me feel loved. As I go forward, whether with him or another partner, I now know that it is a deal breaker if I don't get those things.

[Jelly11]

In my past relationship, there wasn't really a deal breaker. We just were awful together and never really noticed until 6 months in. I suppose if I had to pick one now, it was the fact that we were so dependent on one another. It was a terribly unhealthy relationship, and it's hard to realize that until it's done. My relationship with my current partner is such the opposite that I realize that I need a really independent relationship. We both need our own lives and alone time.

As I struggle through rebuilding my current relationship, I'm realizing that deal breakers for me include not being a priority in my partner's life-- If you love me, you should be able to sacrifice time with your friends in order to spend time with me-- and not getting enough affection from him. I don't need him to be hanging all over me all the time or showering me with gifts, but as the cracks are showing, I realize that those were the things that he used to do that made me feel loved. As I go forward, whether with him or another partner, I now know that it is a deal breaker if I don't get those things.

I remember reading about your struggles in your current relationship and I can't imagine how hard it must be now that you are so close to closing the distance. I hope that you are okay and that you can fix things and move forward.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I remember reading about your struggles in your current relationship and I can't imagine how hard it must be now that you are so close to closing the distance. I hope that you are okay and that you can fix things and move forward.

Thank you so much for your kind comments! We actually closed the distance this past week and are in kind of a limbo right now. He doesn't want me to move out, but he also can't tell me he's going to fight for us. I need a lot more answers until I can be fully committed to us, but I still have hope that everything will turn out okay as I still see glimmers of the old him and our chemistry is even more red hot than it's ever been. Right now, I'm taking the kind advice I've been given both here and IRL and am focusing on building a life here for myself so that I can go forward with or without him.

[R&R]

There were a few - different people lol

*He wanted me to change my religious beliefs and I couldn't do that
*He didn't want kids and I did
*When I realized he would always be content doing the least amount possible in everything
*When he took no responsibility for anything that happened in his life
*A person who had no trust and always chose to "end it" when he got mad or jealous and then would apologize

These were things that I could not accept and I could not spend the rest of my life with these people

[ThePhoenixRises]

I would have to say:

* Cheating (in my opinion, there is no excuse, and I would never give a cheater a second chance).
* Finances (not agreeing on how money should be managed, credit cards, etc - I was a saver, he was a spender - made it very difficult). Money can cause a lot of problems.
* Laziness and no motivation to finish a job or see something through to the end - drives me crazy as I am a goal-oriented person.
* Being with someone who is an extreme extrovert - and them getting angry at me for not wanting to sit in a bar all night every night listening to loud music.
* Jealousy/possessiveness/lack of trust - thinking that they can control and manage my life. I am loyal to a fault and would never give someone any reason to not trust me.

[Harlequin]

There were always a few deal breakers in past relationships:

*I had to drag them through life for one reason or another, be it getting them into college or getting them a job
*Got way too attached way too fast
*Would dismiss my concerns as me being irrational. Every single time.
*Kept trying to "fix" me
*Tried to break up a close friendship of mine, because he felt threatened by it
*Didn't want me hanging out with other girls, or guys honestly, because of my sexuality
*Would go soft any time we tried to have sex that wasn't gentle.
*Would not stop farting in my closet

[TheSteelAngel]

*Would not stop farting in my closet

This was a thing? lol

One very current issue I am dealing with in my current relationship is that whenever he is depressed he shuts down and won't talk to me for a long period of time. The lack of communication would be a definite deal breaker for me if I choose to enter in a new relationship. The lacking of trust in me would also be another big one.

[80anthea]

Well my ex-husband turned out to be a manipulative, abusive cheating b@st@rd. Just wish I'd been savvy enough to see the warning signs before we got married.

[whatruckus]

I don't know if we have all day for mine... Lol. I've never broken up with someone myself, I've always been the one that got broken up with. But, I see all the problems that led to it, and see what I should not have let myself go through.

No, but really if I were to ever date again:

- Communication (after Mike...jeeze, he was terrible at communication. Not just daily communication, but his feelings and problems. He'd rather bury them and forget they existed, than attack them head-on and work through them. It was too hard for him. And, I noticed it's not just relationships, he has a lot of debt that he doesn't pay off because it stressed him out thinking about it. So, he just puts the letters aside, and ignores the phone calls.)
- Cheating (Obviously. But, my one ex cheated on me a lot.)
- Finances (I'm not talking about being rich, I'm talking about I don't want to have to support them. I've done it twice already and nearly went broke both times.)
- Job Security (my one ex barely had jobs)
- Goal Oriented/Driven (goes with my one ex, he had no goals)
- Someone who needs to understand that I have anxiety, depression, and I'm an introvert (ambivert at times, bust mostly intro) and not push me, and then make me feel bad I don't open up to people as fast as others (Mike told me I was a burden for not opening up to his friends after 3 years, even though I'd see them for like 1 night, if that, during our visits)
- Effort (has to be 50/50 from now on. I'm so burnt out from doing everything for Mike and my other ex.)
- Romance of some sort (I'd like to be spoiled at least once in my next relationship for once, but this may also go hand-in-hand with Effort)
- Jealousy/Trust issues (thank God Mike wasn't like this, but my ex before him was. He destroyed 3 friendships for me, and one of them I had since I was 4. These 3 friends no longer speak to me. Also, he got mad that I went out with my brothers all the time and would scream at me and accuse me of cheating, when he was the one that cheated all the time. Go figure.)
- Commitment/Indecisiveness (Mike had Commitment Issues and it's so obvious now. I regret pushing him so hard, because I think it scared him off. But, I need someone who knows what they want with me.)
- Listen to me talk and listen to my problems, or at least act like they cared.
- Anger issues (my ex would scream at me and call me names)
- Respect (my ex had no respect for me)

I guess that's all for now. I'm sure I'll keep updating. Lol.

** For those that don't know, Mike is my former SO that I joined this site for. We were together for 3 years, and it was hard. But, I still respect him and (obviously) still have feelings for him. My Ex that I talk about on here a lot is the guy I dated before Mike. Who was absolutely a terrible person, and I honestly don't know why I dated him for 5 years. I dated him because I was lonely and never had a "real" boyfriend before. I realized after he broke up with me and cheated on me the last time, how much I really didn't love him at all. I actually believe deep down I really hated him, and dating him was how I felt about myself. I just didn't want to be alone, and he made me feel like no one was ever going to want to be with me, or love me. Then I met Mike. My story with Mike is really long and complicated. Lol.

[emsimes]

These were my deal breakers in my last relationship:

-Getting upset with me over the most minor things. I mean, really the smallest things he would get annoyed over. Like the time that I crossed the street before him, or the time I was "too slow" picking up a spoon I had dropped on the floor.

-Major insecurity and abandonment issues: My ex's mom died when he was a teenager, and his dad traveled around the world for his job and literally wasn't physically around while he was growing up, so I understand his abandonment issues. But, he took his issues out on me by constantly complaining I was neglecting him, even just by waking up in the morning to go to the bathroom without cuddling with him first, or not being at the door when he came home from work/school.

-Wanting me to be perfect all the time. He admitted this isn't very fair of him, and was the reason that basically all of his exes broke up with him. He expected me to be perfect all the time and would get upset if I made mistakes. Again, I think this stems from his insecurity issues.

-A negative attitude in general. He was always such a negative nancy, always fearing/expecting the worst and never saw the positive side of things. As an optimist myself, it became draining over time.

-Refusing to meet my friends/spend time with my family. Whenever he came to visit me, he never wanted to meet my friends. I would make plans for us to meet for dinner with my friends, and 99% of the time he backed out last minute, leaving me scrambling to come up with excuses for him. He also acted like spending time with my family was like torture. I know my family isn't perfect and kinda weird, but it hurt when he would say negative things about them and complain about having to meet with them. I think he has social anxiety, which I tried to be understanding about, but I think he also used it as a crutch to get out of things.

Deep down I know he is a really good guy, he just has so many issues that he's never resolved within himself, and they've spilled over into all of his relationships. I really hope he can work on some things for his own sake.

[OtantikTin]

In my last relationship the main deal breaker was different lifestyle choices. I am a very fit person and love to do my best to stay healthy, while he was the total opposite of that. The only thing that was thrilling him was music shows, he seemed unhappy when he didn't have any to come. Other than that, the relationship was actually pretty good and our personalities were actually matching (same level on communication, same level on affection, etc.) now the issues with my SO are mainly different needs of communication and affection (I need more..) but when we're not LD it's fine, so I won't let that be a deal breaker. I definitely could not handle more than 6 months apart.

[sunmat]

-A negative attitude in general. He was always such a negative nancy, always fearing/expecting the worst and never saw the positive side of things. As an optimist myself, it became draining over time.

emsimes, do you think this is something he could have worked on if you had pointed it (maybe you did)? This is also something I see a lot in my SO and it's a constant struggle to make her focus on the positive aspects of things rather than the negative ones. Sometimes it's quite tiring. But I have also the impression that nowadays a majority of people are unable to focus on the positive.