Freaking out .... SO is not so sure about us....

[QueenD]

Hey all,

Warning: this is going to be long and scrolly and might not make sense, but I need to get some of this out.

I'm on a visit to my SO of 8 months (who I have known on a friends basis for a few years). I've been here 2 weeks already, and am going home on Sunday. This visit has been good in MANY ways, but has had a different vibe the last week or so. Both SO and I have been really stressed with work and some other things in our worlds, so for the most part I've been attributing it to that. It's hard to describe what's different, but the best way I can think to describe it is to say that I feel like he's kept me at arm's length a lot of the time. We are doing things together and having a nice time, but the engagement is different and it's been less talkative than normal. Last night, we decided to go to bed early and ended up talking for a long time. It was a super long and emotional conversation, in which the major theme is that he loves me on a million levels but he is feeling stressed because the last week or so he hasn't felt the same romantic/boyfriend&girlfriend type connection that he has felt the whole relationship. YUCK.

A few random facts....
*He has been working 7 days a week most weeks for a while. He has a day job that is Sunday thru Thursday, and a new business that he opened a few months back with a business partner that he is working at some evenings and virtually every weekend day.
*He has been married twice before. He was with his first wife for 10 years and she cheated on him a bunch of the time, eventually leaving him for an affair partner in a really hurtful way. His second wife was actually a common law situation for a couple of years. She had a big trauma and ended up with major depression that she refused to treat and it destroyed their relationship. In both cases, he was absolutely willing to do counseling or anything to work on issues since duh, that's what your'e supposed to do when you're married. Neither person was willing to do this.
*He has been single (as in living alone) for a long time - 8 years or so? He had another long term relationship in this time.
*He is a very spiritual person (not religious, spiritual) who meditates, reads books on getting in touch with your soul. I'd describe him as open and honest and pretty in touch with his feelings most of the time, though he isn't great at expressing them.
*He told me that I am wonderful, and that his biggest concern is whether he can show love to me in the way I deserve and that will make me happy. He said that he has trouble seeing how our relationship can work long term and he knows that's what i want and deserve.
*When I asked if he wanted to break up he didn't like that idea.
*When I asked what he needed, he said that he has been so stressed by EVERYTHING that he can't get space to think or breathe.
*There is not a single thing about me or our relationship that he had anything bad to say about.
*He has trouble contemplating the notion of not being in contact with me or having me in his life in a major way.
*He is still attracted to me, and we even ended up having some of the best sex of this whole trip after this discussion last night.

We decided that it doesn't make sense to end a good 8 month relationship that's based in a multi-year friendship because he has been not feeling the romantic connection for a week or so. I remember how my first husband had a freak out like this for a while when his life was out of whack, and I thought we might break up but I was patient and you know we ended up engaged about 2-3 months later.

When I told one of my best friends about all this today, she said it sounds a lot like he is stressed and utterly freaked out and also bonkers about me, and that the odds are good that this is a stressful patch that will ultimately make us stronger. I waver between that and thinking that there is no hope. Naturally I'm a complete freaking mess today.

So, I guess my question for you guys is...have you all been through this, and does it sound like I should give up or what? I love this person so much and don't want to cause him pain by doing anything that remotely resembles trying to coerce him into a relationship that he doesn't want or is bad for him.

Your thoughts are appreciated.
d

[hmrambling]

*He told me that I am wonderful, and that his biggest concern is whether he can show love to me in the way I deserve and that will make me happy. He said that he has trouble seeing how our relationship can work long term and he knows that's what i want and deserve.
*When I asked if he wanted to break up he didn't like that idea.

Believe him. If he has uncertainties, believe him. It is understandable that he has uncertainties because no one knows the future. Keep communication open. Share your uncertainties.

Don't isolate or get in your head. It is possible that he's stressed. Continue to talk to your friends and support network. I wouldn't speculate what is going on in his head or his motives, but would focus on my own motives and ask myself if I see any red flags.

[QueenD]

Believe him. If he has uncertainties, believe him. It is understandable that he has uncertainties because no one knows the future. Keep communication open. Share your uncertainties.

Don't isolate or get in your head. It is possible that he's stressed. Continue to talk to your friends and support network. I wouldn't speculate what is going on in his head or his motives, but would focus on my own motives and ask myself if I see any red flags.

Thanks a lot for your reply, hmrambling. I promise you, I believe him that he has uncertainties - and I totally respect it. I also know from personal experience that uncertainties like this don't necessarily mean a breakup is the best solution since i dealt with this 10 years ago before my first husband proposed. There is not way to be at all sure that's what's going on here, but I guess my point is I know this doesn't have to me THE END or anything like that.

We had a quite good night last night. We went to a social outing right after work, then he went to his business for a few hours. I took him dinner while he worked at the business, then went back to his house to spend a little time by myself. He got home an hour or so later and we were both tired but still had some good sexytime before we went to sleep. Last night felt a lot more like "normal" before he started putting me at arm's length. I'm smart enough to know that it's likely that's because he's just trying not to think about his reservations while I am still here, so I'm just trying to roll with it and have a nice time. Internally, it's a bit of a roller coaster but I'm trying not to freak out in front of him, as that's not constructive.

[Chris516]

Are the words 'raging workaholic' foreign to him.

Yes, I know he started a business with a friend. But, I also think, considering how his two (ex)wives treated him. That he has some PTSD. Lastly, That he is using work to 'escape the past'.

[QueenD]

Are the words 'raging workaholic' foreign to him.

Yes, I know he started a business with a friend. But, I also think, considering how his two (ex)wives treated him. That he has some PTSD. Lastly, That he is using work to 'escape the past'.

The words raging workaholic are not foreign to him - he used to be worse from what he's told me - he would work every darned day at his day job, rather than even leaving any time for other pursuits. I suggested a few tactics to allow him to make progress on the business while still getting to play and rest and he loved them and is going to try some out.

As to the situations with the ex-wives, I'm not at all sure I'd call it PTSD since I know a few people who have PTSD (most combat induced, another sexual abuse induced.) But I would say definitely the prior relationships had a major impact on him and are impacting him! We had some more good conversation about things and I feel a little better. I'm still processing some things but will post a good long update for you all in this thread soon. In the meantime, please keep sharing your thoughts and experiences!

[QueenD]

Hey there,

I meant to post some more info about my situation and the last couple of days have just gotten away from me. It's hard to put all this stuff into words properly, but basically we did the rest of my visit - all the things we planned - and had a really nice time. We had another long talk on Friday night in which he reiterated that he loves me and doesn't want to break up. He shared that I am the first woman he has been with that has ever loved him for who is is right now, as opposed to loving an idea of him or loving his potential or what he can do/buy for them. He isn't sure how to handle that and confessed that he has been a bit closed to truly going all-in with this relationship. He said he will never love me less than he does right now. Basically every word he says points to fear, not to something he feels is wrong with me as a partner or anything like that.

We discussed that he needs to figure out how to make time for rest and play and I shared some tactics I've used to manage that in the past that he thinks might help him.

My current tactic is to give him space and let him come to me. It's been 48 hours since I heard from him in any way. The last we texted was on Sunday after I got home. He told me that he misses me already and the house was lonely when he got home from work and he took a long nap. I told him I missed him too and that I was going to bed early and he replied that he was too. That is pretty unusual for us for any time EXCEPT right after a visit. We've had a couple of visits where I came home on a Sunday and we barely communicated at all until Tuesday night or Wednesday. My original plan was to go silent until tonight then message him if I hadn't heard from him, but now I'm wondering if that's enough. At the same time, I don't want to wait too long and risk him having any feelings of abandonment since that is certainly not my goal. Every day not talking to him sucks so much - especially since there was no fight or anything it's just a matter of some other dynamics at play.

That's all for now.

[sasad]

That is tough... And it is Tuesday
I would just send him a quick text that he wont feel pressured to respond to. Maybe just say you are about caught up on sleep or something?
You still need to do what you need to do. You need to make sure your needs get met as well.

[Chris516]

Hey there,

I meant to post some more info about my situation and the last couple of days have just gotten away from me. It's hard to put all this stuff into words properly, but basically we did the rest of my visit - all the things we planned - and had a really nice time. We had another long talk on Friday night in which he reiterated that he loves me and doesn't want to break up. He shared that I am the first woman he has been with that has ever loved him for who is is right now, as opposed to loving an idea of him or loving his potential or what he can do/buy for them. He isn't sure how to handle that and confessed that he has been a bit closed to truly going all-in with this relationship. He said he will never love me less than he does right now. Basically every word he says points to fear, not to something he feels is wrong with me as a partner or anything like that.

I sort of know the feeling of the days getting away. I am glad you not only did the rest of the visit. But also did everything that had already been planned. Ah, I had a feeling he was being semi-'closed'. Fear too.

We discussed that he needs to figure out how to make time for rest and play and I shared some tactics I've used to manage that in the past that he thinks might help him.

That is good.

My current tactic is to give him space and let him come to me. It's been 48 hours since I heard from him in any way. The last we texted was on Sunday after I got home. He told me that he misses me already and the house was lonely when he got home from work and he took a long nap. I told him I missed him too and that I was going to bed early and he replied that he was too. That is pretty unusual for us for any time EXCEPT right after a visit. We've had a couple of visits where I came home on a Sunday and we barely communicated at all until Tuesday night or Wednesday. My original plan was to go silent until tonight then message him if I hadn't heard from him, but now I'm wondering if that's enough. At the same time, I don't want to wait too long and risk him having any feelings of abandonment since that is certainly not my goal. Every day not talking to him sucks so much - especially since there was no fight or anything it's just a matter of some other dynamics at play.

That's all for now.

That is good. It sounds like his feelings are opening up.

I know what it feels like to, not want the other person to feel abandoned.

[QueenD]

Thanks to everon that replied the last few days. It's definitely helped me feel a bit better.

I took sasad's advice and sent an innocuous text last night - basically I sent a meme I found on Facebook that made me think of him shortly before I went to bed. He replied after I fell asleep saying he liked it, he misses me, and still thinks I'm awesome. He also emailed me something for a project he has asked me to help him with ideas for in his business.

Based on the emails, he was up too damned late working in business stuff, but I'm not going to hassle him about that just yet. I know from prior visits he sometimes actually does that because he misses me.

[QueenD]

Quick update - still very little contact between me and SO. It's driving me nuts on one hand, but I understand that it's pretty necessary on the other hand. Got a text from him late last night that thanked me for helping him with something, said again that he misses me and tha house is lonely, and said that he is really trying hard to play. Also said he hopes I have a good weekend. So I replied early this morning that I'd love to hear about it and asked if he'd like to catch up or if he needs me to stay away a little while longer. Haven't heard back yet....we shall see. I think he's busy and maybe thinking. I have a long to-do list so I'll try to keep busy with that for a while.

[QueenD]

Hey all, sorry I haven't updated you all. I had a very, very emotionally exhausting few days dealing with things in my relationship. I am kind of tired of talking about it, but I figured I'd give you all the highlights.

The bottom line is that SO has been feeling more pressure than I realized with regard to our relationship. Some of it is self inflicted and some of it is pressure that I (and some of our friends) unintentionally put on him. This caused him to freak out and start trying to figure out things he (and me) were really ready for, like whether it will work to get married or whatever. Right now, he can't see the future but we care for each other really deeply.

We decided that the best thing to do for now is dial back the long term relationship/omg should we get married someday agenda and try to do things to remember the peace and hope we feel being with each other. Neither of us would characterize it as a break up, and I have no clue how this will end up in the long run. I have been on a huge emotional roller coaster - one day I am like "eff it, this isn't worth it", one day I'm feeling totally in love, another day I'm numb, another day my feelings are more like best friends. I have been married and in other relationships before and know that we don't always feel lovey dovey day to day but I am ready for my emotions to settle out.

We talked quite a bit this weekend about things, and then Monday when we talked we were discussing more surface things which is odd....we have such deep conversations so much of the time, and lighter topics plus a weird feeling that we are being a bit more....formal is the only word I can think of....in our communications - feels a bit odd.

I do know that I love him, in several ways and that even though I have no idea how this will turn out and all my feelings are a jumble, the idea of him being someone else makes me want to throw up, as does the idea of not being there for him when life gets rough.

I guess that's it for now. Any encouragement you all can offer is appreciated.

[Katy_G]

As long as you two are on the same page with regard to expectations/where you're headed for now, then things will be clearer soon.

Hope things soon ease up for both of you! Always here to listen.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

It hurts a lot when someone is "unsure" about how they. I started to fall for a guy (LDR) and he told me he was confused/unsure about us. I didn't believe him and I thought that maybe he would come around, ended up where he hasn't contacted me since becoming "friends" (a couple months ago). Work on yourself and better yourself. Remember a relationship takes work and you don't want a partner who will just bail on you when the going gets tough. If you get married/have kids, difficulty in life doesn't lessen or go away. What is the person going to do leave their family when things get rough? I wish you the very best of luck!

[QueenD]

It hurts a lot when someone is "unsure" about how they. I started to fall for a guy (LDR) and he told me he was confused/unsure about us. I didn't believe him and I thought that maybe he would come around, ended up where he hasn't contacted me since becoming "friends" (a couple months ago). Work on yourself and better yourself. Remember a relationship takes work and you don't want a partner who will just bail on you when the going gets tough. If you get married/have kids, difficulty in life doesn't lessen or go away. What is the person going to do leave their family when things get rough? I wish you the very best of luck!

You are certainly right this hurts. I totally believe he is serious about being unsure, and the fact that we've been friends a long time and then got together in December makes it worse because I feel like I'm in flux with my love and my best friend at the same time. We are still talking and texting, and actually if I think about it objectively it's less but not terribly much less. Given that he's working insane hours this week I'm pleased with that.

It's possible - even likely - we will break up. But I am not quite ready to just give up - instead I'm doing what I can to work on things in my own life.

[C.C.]

I am in kind of similar condition, my SO is unsure about things too and I have been experiencing the similar roller coaster of feelings too.

I mostly felt numb, though. Now after clearing my mind a bit, I am coming around and we are a bit better which hasn't been for the last week or two. But the unsureness remains and it still hurts. We had a really emotionally exhausting night last night, where he explained all those things and where his doubts were coming from. And one thing I felt strong is that... even if it results to break up, this is what I want right now, and being with him is what I choose. Because even if we are to break up eventually, this time is still worth it and I still haven't lost hope either.

I wish the best for you, hopefully some time and peace of mind will help you two!~