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Feeling uncertain about closing the distance

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    #1

    Feeling uncertain about closing the distance

    I have been in a LDR for nearly 3 years and I am planning to close the distance next year. I have met her and spent time with her in person. The only thing that concerns me is I can't trust her that she would fight for me. Every time we have a fight, small or big.. she threatens with break up and it is so easy for her to use that. She was the one who initiated the marriage talk and we made lots of plans for our future. I have invited her to meet my family and introduce her to them. She was nervous about it but I assured her many times that I would fight for her and she doesn't need to worry about it but she says things like this.. " if things don't go well with your parents, we can just break up" and find someone else... not just this, if anything doesn't go well, she would threaten break up although she says she doesn't really mean it. How can I trust her every time? I am having second thoughts taking such a risky decision for someone who wouldn't fight for me. I wish she would talk more positively and support me instead of talking like that.

    I don't know what to do anymore.
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    #2
    Originally posted by JohnGoober View Post
    I have been in a LDR for nearly 3 years and I am planning to close the distance next year. I have met her and spent time with her in person. The only thing that concerns me is I can't trust her that she would fight for me. Every time we have a fight, small or big.. she threatens with break up and it is so easy for her to use that. She was the one who initiated the marriage talk and we made lots of plans for our future. I have invited her to meet my family and introduce her to them. She was nervous about it but I assured her many times that I would fight for her and she doesn't need to worry about it but she says things like this.. " if things don't go well with your parents, we can just break up" and find someone else... not just this, if anything doesn't go well, she would threaten break up although she says she doesn't really mean it. How can I trust her every time? I am having second thoughts taking such a risky decision for someone who wouldn't fight for me. I wish she would talk more positively and support me instead of talking like that.

    I don't know what to do anymore.
    I would strongly suggest that before you move, you decide if this is really someone that you want to be with. I know you have been together for a long time. However, always threating to break up when things go bad or when things might not go her way is a sign of a very immature person. When you are a couple and want to be together, you have to work through difficult times, not walk away from them. Maybe it's time to have a very serious talk about this with her and if that's really how she feels - that she'll just break up over the smallest thing - then it's up to you to make the decision of this is how you want to spend the rest of your relationship with her.
    To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

    ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

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      #3
      Is she from the same country/culture as you? How does she talk about decitions and commitment in general?
      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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        #4
        Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
        Is she from the same country/culture as you? How does she talk about decitions and commitment in general?
        She's Asian and I'm Indian. She grew up westernized. She talks well about commitment yet she doesn't mind talking about break ups.

        Comment

          #5
          I totally agree with R&R. You need to talk to her about this. If she is the same age as you, she shouldn't be playing any type of we will just break up shenanigans. How will that help you as a couple when things get tough, and they will at some point.

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by sasad View Post
            I totally agree with R&R. You need to talk to her about this. If she is the same age as you, she shouldn't be playing any type of we will just break up shenanigans. How will that help you as a couple when things get tough, and they will at some point.
            Agreed.

            Comment

              #7
              John, I sent you a private response.

              First Visit: September 2016
              Second Visit: January 2017 (Her birthday)
              Third Visit: June 2018 (medical conference near her home)

              John 3:16
              For God so loved the world. That he gave his only begotten son. For whosoever believeth in him. Shall not perish but have eternal life
              John 4:12
              I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

              Comment

                #8
                Is this the same person from this thread last year?
                https://members.lovingfromadistance....111#post398111

                If so, you both have been having communication type issues for a while... You really need to get this resolved before you plan a life together...

                Comment

                  #9
                  I agree with the others, communication is key here. Have you had a conversation about the fact that it's not okay to threaten breakups every time she feels hurt/angry/scared/whatever? It sounds to me like more of a defense mechanism than an actual desire to break up, but regardless, it leaves you feeling insecure and uncertain about your future and that's not okay.
                  As someone who closed the distance with someone I have been with for three years but who is just not emotionally available to me right now, I can tell you with sincere honesty that you will only be happy closing the distance if she is completely and totally available to you. I am all for taking risks in life. You can't have great things unless you take great risks. I took a gigantic risk by following my heart across the ocean for a guy who I still very much believe is the love of my life, but for now he just can't be with me. I am moving on here, in this amazing country, and starting my life here alone. I took a great leap of faith that we would be okay and, at least for now, we aren't, but I don't regret moving for a second because 1) I know that it isn't me, it isn't just in my head that he loves me, and that we really, truly do have something special. I needed to be here to accept this and move on. and 2) I have prepared myself to start my own life here. I will probably only stay a year unless things change, but I am SO excited for this year. I really am here for me, not for us.

                  So I guess what I'm trying to say with this long-winded answer is: without great risks, it's impossible to have great rewards, but make sure that you're ready to deal with the consequences of that risk if it doesn't go well. Make sure this is for YOU, and that you would be happy here, even short-term, without her.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by MissingMyDutchLove View Post
                    I agree with the others, communication is key here. Have you had a conversation about the fact that it's not okay to threaten breakups every time she feels hurt/angry/scared/whatever? It sounds to me like more of a defense mechanism than an actual desire to break up, but regardless, it leaves you feeling insecure and uncertain about your future and that's not okay.
                    As someone who closed the distance with someone I have been with for three years but who is just not emotionally available to me right now, I can tell you with sincere honesty that you will only be happy closing the distance if she is completely and totally available to you. I am all for taking risks in life. You can't have great things unless you take great risks. I took a gigantic risk by following my heart across the ocean for a guy who I still very much believe is the love of my life, but for now he just can't be with me. I am moving on here, in this amazing country, and starting my life here alone. I took a great leap of faith that we would be okay and, at least for now, we aren't, but I don't regret moving for a second because 1) I know that it isn't me, it isn't just in my head that he loves me, and that we really, truly do have something special. I needed to be here to accept this and move on. and 2) I have prepared myself to start my own life here. I will probably only stay a year unless things change, but I am SO excited for this year. I really am here for me, not for us.

                    So I guess what I'm trying to say with this long-winded answer is: without great risks, it's impossible to have great rewards, but make sure that you're ready to deal with the consequences of that risk if it doesn't go well. Make sure this is for YOU, and that you would be happy here, even short-term, without her.
                    I hate to say this but I fear your situation the most..I would be devastated if something like that happens to me. You are really brave. I would do anything to make her happy as well but if its a one-sided effort, no matter what one does, it won't make any difference in the end. What I really feel is.. she doesn't love me. She doesn't feel the spark.. She feels excited when she looks at someone hot. She was telling me about her new colleague and how good looking he is.. she even told me he has everything she wanted.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Originally posted by JohnGoober View Post
                      I hate to say this but I fear your situation the most..I would be devastated if something like that happens to me. You are really brave. I would do anything to make her happy as well but if its a one-sided effort, no matter what one does, it won't make any difference in the end. What I really feel is.. she doesn't love me. She doesn't feel the spark.. She feels excited when she looks at someone hot. She was telling me about her new colleague and how good looking he is.. she even told me he has everything she wanted.
                      Wow, what the fuck. Like, it's okay to be like "woah, a hot person!", because being in a relationship with someone doesn't necessarily mean you stop noticing when other people are attractive. It's not okay to gush about them to your s/o, and then basically say that the person is better. That's a really mean thing to do to someone you're in a relationship with.
                      Honestly, if she's so willing to break up over pointless shit, and if she's telling you this guy has everything she wanted, why would you want to stay with her? She's not worth it. Yeah, you love her and you'd do anything for you, but she's not about to return the favor, and you can do so much better. Cut your losses and find someone better matched for you. This chick isn't worth it.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Again, reading on your past post... is this the same one that wont even acknowledged that you two were in a LDR????

                        Please go re-read the history between both of you...

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Originally posted by JohnGoober View Post
                          What I really feel is.. she doesn't love me. She doesn't feel the spark.. She feels excited when she looks at someone hot. She was telling me about her new colleague and how good looking he is.. she even told me he has everything she wanted.
                          And she is not telling you how hot and attractive you are?
                          I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                          - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                          "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                            And she is not telling you how hot and attractive you are?
                            Back and read his history with this girl. They had a conversation about him hypothetically sleeping with his boss or something and I think he was upset that she would forgive him if I'm remember correctly
                            .
                            She is also the one that has packages delivered to a guy friends house and won't let anybody know they are in a long-distance relationship together.

                            Tbh...that she said she finds somebody else that's attractive and have everything she wants I don't think this is a good idea for either of them. As I pointed out before go read their history together. It's pretty unstable .

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Originally posted by sasad View Post
                              Again, reading on your past post... is this the same one that wont even acknowledged that you two were in a LDR????

                              Please go re-read the history between both of you...
                              Yes, that is the same person. we have had a very shaky past. We have had lot of good times as well and no, still my existence is hidden. I've been thinking and will make a decision.

                              Comment

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