Annoyed with future visit plans...

[staruletto]

Or should I say the lack of plans. I've been home for 2 months now and I have no idea when we'll see eachother next. I knew it would be a long time between visits for us because of where we're located (maybe twice a year) but some sort of idea of when he's coming would be nice. It seems like he's almost avoiding making plans when I ask. There's always an excuse whether it be money or time. I even told him I'd help pay for his flight (the cost for him to fly here is half the price as it is for me to go there and idk why). I'm not even really looking for advice, I'm just ranting. I hate this feeling of being in a sort of limbo with no future plans.

[Sarah96]

I know exactly how you feel, not having plans drives me absolutely crazy but my boyfriend likes to use the "we'll deal with that when the time comes"... we've been together over THREE YEARS now and we still haven't met, mostly due to money and school/work and just never having the ability to have time off to meet. But If we PLANNED FOR IT then it would be possible but he refuses to try to make plans with me. Drives me crazy but I love him and don't want to argue about it again. ugh.

[QueenD]

I've been with J for 8 months and we've seen each other 5 times.

8 days me visiting him in early Feb
10-ish days me visiting him in April
2 days him visiting me in early June
2 days him visiting me in early July
18 days me visiting him in mid to late August

It's easier for me to visit him for a variety reasons, including that my work is more portable.

We discussed Back in the spring that we wanted to go no more than 5-6 weeks without seeing each other and we wanted to set at least tentative plans for the next visit before th current visit completes. But that went to hell on our most recent visit because he's having what seems like a fear of commitment kind of thing going on in his brain right now. So I'm trying to be patient.

[ThePhoenixRises]

I am sorry Staruletto, that limbo feeling is horrible. I had it at the start when my guy and I planned to meet but didn't yet have a date/time etc planned. It was frustrating and I hated not knowing (I am a planner too which is why it is so hard for me to deal with it). I told him during our first visit that I need to know plans for at least the next visit (I understand where you are coming from in regards to how physically far apart you are from each other - it isn't so easy to plan a visit as my flight is at minimum 22 hours ). I made sure that he realised that it is really important for me that I know when the next visit is - even if it was really far away, because I find it hard to cope if I don't have a date in mind. Thankfully we have the next three visits planned - however, as everyone here knows - anything could happen or these plans could change (especially since he has a young child and heavy commitments at work).

I hope you can get a date for a visit soon - I understand how horrible it is to be in limbo. Feel free to rant - I swear it helps, this is why I like this site - because lots of people here do understand these frustrations. Good luck

[Jelly11]

I totally get this! My SO is like this sometimes. If it was up to me I'd book the next flight whilst with him. It scares me to think that if I just never mentioned when I was next visiting, he probably wouldn't bring it up. I don't get it.

I've learnt (despite short experience - only been together around four months) it's sometimes better to be assertive and say "I was thinking the next visit should be X. Does that work? Good. I'll book it then". I even went one step further and mentioned the visit after that this time. Because I'm a teacher I have to plan it around my time off and we like to leave it no later than 6-7 weeks so I think ahead. Sometimes I also just lay it out that- I'm the one paying to visit him and the earlier I book the cheaper it is for me. Simple.

I don't know if guys are just more laid back but sometimes I overthink it. If they are really into the relationship shouldn't they be as eager to plan? I mean he always seems enthusiastic when I'm due to visit, he just thinks so much differently to me!

[differentcountries]

I almost always visit him, because I have more time off (he literally does not have time off, perhaps a few hours if he asks in advance, everyone there just works every day through the tourist season), more money and he has to get a proper visa to come here. It is really complicated, I have to make it like a formal invite because Turkey is not part of the EU and it is considered a "somewhat risky" country.

I usually push for the visits. I know because he told me that it is hard for him to plan becauset that is like "believing" in the future. It is part the mentality of the country - who knows what will happen, inshallla inshalla, and also part of his personality (very spontanious) and his history of having dissapointing things happen to him. I try to make him look at plans like a negotiation - and that we have to oblige to rules of countries and airlines.

Now, he is pushing me for visits. Last time, it went 4 months between visits and money was really tight on the visit. We are looking at having 3 months between visits now, when I come early October. I have to negotiate with coworker because I dont have any holiday time, it will be a working holiday and my coworker said he wants to come (and possabily my husband too, if he dears because of the uproar).

In the beginning, I simply told SO - You are right about "God willing" and we dont know the future. But I DO know that unless we book tickets and apply for visa, we cant see each other LOL. He could not beat the logic! He wants everything to be very locial so I used that against him

He loves me but he has not lived a life where he has planned much, just gone with the flow of education and work, and not really travelled much himself. He was in Norway once, 1,5 years ago. He was supposed to come last year too, but we were broke and he was work from work, so I visited his family instead.

I payed my SOs ticket when he came to see me. We have had the debate many times that I respect him being a man and wanting to make money, but it is just a simple fact that I am in a better financial situation since I am older (I am a flat owner etc.), higher educated and the pay is better in my country for the same jobs. I said that I dont consider it my money, but ours. I also always let him do things to "help" - he has lots of friends and friends of friends who will give us discounts, gifts, drive us places etc that helps our economy when I am there.

[Honour]

I understand where you're coming from. But we can't exactly plan for a visit until the end of the year because of his shitty job. Getting time off has to be planned at the end of the year, and he was supposed to come see me in April this year, but because of fate intervening, plans were scrapped. I can't help feel slightly bitter, even if it wasn't really his fault. We don't know when we'll be able to meet at all.

[staruletto]

I forgot to mention his job has a lot to do with it. As in, it's usually some kind of temp job and he has no idea if/when he'll be working. It still doesn't make much sense that we can't figure out a date because we planned our roadtrip an entire year in advance so.... And if money us that much of an issue his flight here us literally half the cost that mine would be there. I can save up for half of it in 2 weeks time. Thanks for responses, I feel like I'm not being needy and insane x3

[R&R]

I haven't seen my SO in almost 14 months. As of right now, it looks like the next visit will be in November. A lot has been going on (that I haven't gotten into on here but it's things beyond both of our control) and hopefully we'll be able to close the distance next year. For now, we take it as it comes because that's all we can do.

[Chris516]

I forgot to mention his job has a lot to do with it. As in, it's usually some kind of temp job and he has no idea if/when he'll be working. It still doesn't make much sense that we can't figure out a date because we planned our roadtrip an entire year in advance so.... And if money us that much of an issue his flight here us literally half the cost that mine would be there. I can save up for half of it in 2 weeks time. Thanks for responses, I feel like I'm not being needy and insane x3

Like working for a temp agency?

I am not criticizing him, if that is what his temp work is.

In the 1980's after I graduated from high school. I had temp employment with Manpower and Norrell at the same time. So when one temp contract would end at one agency. I would be available to get a temp contract from the other agency.

The only problem was coverage. I couldn't get full health benefits.

[staruletto]

Yes, a temp agency. I guess it's really hard to find full time permanent employment in Norway right now so he's just taking whatever he can get for the moment.