Girl friends - jealousy

[OtantikTin]

Basically, where my boyfriend works there is 3 (hot) female teachers (well, from what I've seen on FB) with whom he and the other officer have several dinners with each week. He tells me everytime he does an activity with them but I just can't get over it, sometimes they go fishing with them, sometimes they play beer pong all night with them... One out of two time I will say a nasty comment or just be plain mad at him and not talk to him for a few hours when he sees them. He tells me it's nothing and I shouldn't worry about it.

I feel like it's really out of my comfort zone, even if all is good between us at the moment, because whenever we go out when he's here we're together and it's with our mutual friends.. I feel like it's somewhat innapropriate for 2 taken guys (my bf and the other officer) to spend most of their nights with 3 women. I just can't get over it.

Out of the 3 teachers, 2 of them are taken and there is one single, and she bugs me. I know my boyfriend wouldn't cheat physically, but my insecurity of being left for someone else is eating me from the inside.

[Katy_G]

Have you brought up the insecurity with him? Might help clear the air.

[Mr Gravy]

As Katy_G already suggested, talking to your SO should usually be the first thing to do when there's a problem.

That being said, if your SO hasn't given you any reason to mistrust him, then why shouldn't you? I don't think it is inappropriate to hang out with single friends of the opposite sex. On the contrary, trying to control who your partner spends time with is what I would consider inappropriate.
Talk to each other. If your boyfriend loves you and you trust him, you should have nothing to worry about.

[OtantikTin]

Have you brought up the insecurity with him? Might help clear the air.

Yes he knows about this. He reassures me a ton about the other girls, but it doesn't go away. I've been this way since my ex replaced me 2 weeks after our separation.

[OtantikTin]

As Katy_G already suggested, talking to your SO should usually be the first thing to do when there's a problem.

That being said, if your SO hasn't given you any reason to mistrust him, then why shouldn't you? I don't think it is inappropriate to hang out with single friends of the opposite sex. On the contrary, trying to control who your partner spends time with is what I would consider inappropriate.
Talk to each other. If your boyfriend loves you and you trust him, you should have nothing to worry about.

He hasn't given me any reason to mistrust him, but when girls hit on him (because it happens, he's handsome what can I do) he doesn't realize it and continues to talk to them. Last year he had a girl friend that was hitting on him like crazy, and even though I told him multiple times she was into him, he wouldn't hear a word about it. Until she found a boyfriend and completly stopped talking to my boyfriend. Guess who was right. -.-

Edit:
On the other hand, I don't try to control him. I will simply state that I'm not comfortable with the situation but I never forbid things.

[sasad]

Are you jealous of the other woman or are you jealous that she is spending time with him that you don't have...

[OtantikTin]

Are you jealous of the other woman or are you jealous that she is spending time with him that you don't have...

I think you hit the nail on the head.. I'm afraid he finds it easier to have conversation with those woman and tell them more about his day than he does to me. I wish he'd talk to me more, like at the beggining of the LD, this is all getting so heavy.

[hmrambling]

I feel like it's somewhat innapropriate for 2 taken guys (my bf and the other officer) to spend most of their nights with 3 women. I just can't get over it.

Are the guys staying over night at the women's house? Spending a night usually means an overnight visit. If that were the case, I would lay out some ground rules about what is and isn't acceptable, and I might have my own reservations, too.


I see that you said that the teachers are hot. Would you feel differently if they were dog ugly? Is this really about the teachers or your own insecurity?

I'm guessing that making nasty comments and not talking to him are not really the way to resolve anything. I suggest a mature approach. Work on your own insecurity.

For me, I stay active in my own social life so that I'm not focusing on my SO's all the time. I make time for my own hobbies and interests and go do things with my own friends. The distance can be a great tool to work on myself.

[R&R]

Jealousy is tough to get past sometimes. When I was a teenager, I thought jealousy was ok because it showed he cared or that I cared. As I got older, I figured out a person's insecurity is not caring at all and it's a good way to drive people away. Though a partner can reassure their SO, it is ultimately the one with jealousy issues to get them under control.

I mean, what if a person is bi-sexual? A jealous partner wouldn't let them hang out with anyone because everyone would become a threat. It is a matter of trust - 100%. Worrying about something that you have no actual reason to believe will happen isn't good for you or the relationship. "Punishing" him for the actions of an ex isn't being fair to your SO. As hmrambling said, the best thing you can do is work on your insecurity. It can be hard but you can do it.

[sasad]

I think you hit the nail on the head.. I'm afraid he finds it easier to have conversation with those woman and tell them more about his day than he does to me. I wish he'd talk to me more, like at the beggining of the LD, this is all getting so heavy.

He choose you, he tells you where he is. Can you find the woman on social media and get to know her a bit?
I understand your feelings, I'm not saying they are right or wrong, just what you feel. It's the time they spend vs her actually. If it was a dude best friend he hung out with, you may feel the same way. I went through that as well. I found going to movies and enriching my life with my friends helped me. It helped us in the long run. Talk to him about concerns, don't let it fester, but don't control him...I did read that you didn't so that's good

[OtantikTin]

I'm bad at replying at every message, but thanks everyone, I really appreciate the advice.

Are the guys staying over night at the women's house? Spending a night usually means an overnight visit. If that were the case, I would lay out some ground rules about what is and isn't acceptable, and I might have my own reservations, too.


I see that you said that the teachers are hot. Would you feel differently if they were dog ugly? Is this really about the teachers or your own insecurity?

I'm guessing that making nasty comments and not talking to him are not really the way to resolve anything. I suggest a mature approach. Work on your own insecurity.

For me, I stay active in my own social life so that I'm not focusing on my SO's all the time. I make time for my own hobbies and interests and go do things with my own friends. The distance can be a great tool to work on myself.

No, they don't stay at their house, but they go there often and invite them over often. It's very hard for me to be comfortable with this situation.
I'm jealous because they're girls and I don't know them. What if one of them hits on my SO? Even if he does nothing about it, it still bugs me alot.

He choose you, he tells you where he is. Can you find the woman on social media and get to know her a bit?
I understand your feelings, I'm not saying they are right or wrong, just what you feel. It's the time they spend vs her actually. If it was a dude best friend he hung out with, you may feel the same way. I went through that as well. I found going to movies and enriching my life with my friends helped me. It helped us in the long run. Talk to him about concerns, don't let it fester, but don't control him...I did read that you didn't so that's good

I feel that would be awkward and she'd definitely get the point that I'm being jealous/possesive.

[R&R]

Your SO could get hit on by anyone at any time. At the store, at work, at a restaurant, etc. It's how he handles himself in those situations that matter. I'm sure if any of these women crossed a line, he'd make it clear it was unacceptable and possibly change how frquently they visit. If he had any worries about them trying anything, I doubt he'd hang out with them as frequently.

It comes down the fact that the things you can control are your own emotions and reactions and that's what you should focus on working on.

[UnknownBuddy]

I have a new LDR (Long Distance Relationship) (In for 3 weeks). I love her and I don't want or need to be with another woman at all. I PRIVATELY AVOID sharing these 3 things with other women: >Words, Looks, Feelings<.. It is a wonderful discipline!

[whatruckus]

Agreed with R&R. He's going to get hit on. It happens. You're going to get hit on too. It happens.

As long as he doesn't act on it, and just brushes it off, you'll be fine. You can spend time worrying about "what if", or you can live in the Now and know that he's been honest and faithful to you. Don't let your anxiety, insecurities, and doubts eat you up. It's not good for you, and it's not good for your relationship.

[OtantikTin]

Your SO could get hit on by anyone at any time. At the store, at work, at a restaurant, etc. It's how he handles himself in those situations that matter. I'm sure if any of these women crossed a line, he'd make it clear it was unacceptable and possibly change how frquently they visit. If he had any worries about them trying anything, I doubt he'd hang out with them as frequently.

It comes down the fact that the things you can control are your own emotions and reactions and that's what you should focus on working on.

Thank you for your words, as always, filled with common sense and wisdom. I'm working hard on my insecurities, I thought I wasn't the jealous type before, but that was before I was confronted with situations that made me feel that way.

Agreed with R&R. He's going to get hit on. It happens. You're going to get hit on too. It happens.

As long as he doesn't act on it, and just brushes it off, you'll be fine. You can spend time worrying about "what if", or you can live in the Now and know that he's been honest and faithful to you. Don't let your anxiety, insecurities, and doubts eat you up. It's not good for you, and it's not good for your relationship.

It's really hard to get past insecurities that have been there for years, but it's definitely do-able. One month left today, then we close the distance for good. I'm feeling awesome today.