How can I help him?

[Fldancer90]

First off, I have to send a HUGE thank you to those who have been replying to my posts. I have posted quite a few times over the past few weeks as my relationship has just turned long distance. Your support and advice is unbelievably appreciated and so helpful. I am seeking some new advice as I am making progress with adjusting to our LDR.

Last night, I decided to ask him how I can help him and how I can be there for him right now when I know he's stressed and working like crazy (worked two weeks before a day off). He's still adjusting to his new life (living on a coworkers couch until he can move into his new apt on Oct 1st) and our conversation has been pretty limited. I overthink things and overanalyze the little things so when we don't talk as often as I'd like, I tend to think he isn't as interested as I am. I get very worked up and make myself miserable, which is the last thing I need when we don't know the next time we will have our schedules line up for a visit.

When we talked last night, he filled me in on some things. He mentioned that this is not the first time where he has isolated himself from a girl he's seeing (he's never mentioned this to an ex before, or had a conversation about it like this). He's been in a LDR before and he tends to distance himself by becoming a workaholic. The LDR makes it so easy for him to eat, sleep, and breathe his career because he isn't coming home to anyone and he doesn't have date nights planned or anything like that. He said it's interesting that he finds himself in this situation again because he wants to stop putting his professional life in front of his personal life. We've talked about that a few times but never quite this deep. He said that he wants to be with me and he wants to change the pattern he has had but he said he's not sure how to keep this from happening because he hasn't broken the habit yet. We talked about how in the past, his exes would get confrontational which would cause even more distance to occur. I can tell by his personality that he likes someone with a strong personality that can challenge him a little bit but also someone who is understanding.

I was a little uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going at first because I wasn't sure where he wanted to take this. But in the end, he wants to be with me and doesn't want to follow his usual pattern and push me away. He mentioned he's going to need my help with this but said he isn't sure how that support and help from me will look. I'm at such a loss for what to do! I care about him so much and the fact that he was willing to open up about this part of him and be real with me was a nice step in our newer relationship.

I am seeking advice on how to keep the relationship exciting and engaging as we transition it to a LDR. We should be able to see each other once a month or so because we are so close in distance. It all depends on schedules. When we are in person, the relationship is incredible. And if our biggest issue is that he doesn't text or call as often as I'd like, then I think this is going pretty well. I am hoping to find some ways to keep him fighting the isolation.

He's willing to work on an issue of his and he's hoping I can help! Any advice?

[Katy_G]

Let him tell you how he needs to be helped. Does he need a listening ear or just some encouragement?

[Fldancer90]

Let him tell you how he needs to be helped. Does he need a listening ear or just some encouragement?

That's the thing. He doesn't know. I've been doing both for him already so I don't think that's what he needs me to add.

[Elisabeth]

I've been in a similar position to your SO before, though the relationship was CD. Despite living a half mile apart, I only saw my partner once a week. YMMV, but I can at least tell you what worked for me and my boyfriend.

In general, I'm not a talkative person. Sending texts everyday or calling on the phone each night sounds really exhausting to me, but that was how my boyfriend showed his affection. My schedule was regular, so I always knew when I'd be busy an unable to look at my phone. I told my bf when not to distract me, but he could send texts any other time. He also knew that I either wouldn't respond at all or not for a few hours. Sometimes, I just texted a smiley back to let him know I was getting his texts. So, throughout my day, I got encouraging text message. "Hope class is going well", "Good luck on your exam", "Have fun [doing X]", stuff like that. On days when I wasn't swamped with work, we chatted on the phone for about an hour, and we hung out on Friday or Saturday unless I was going to be away for the weekend. The time we spent together in person was about us and gave me a chance to show my appreciation back. We spent a lot of time playing pool (his favorite game) and watching his favorite tv shows and movies with pizza.

Even though it worked as a compromise, and I still kept him regularly informed about events going on my life, we went back to a more traditional CD relationship after a month. It was also very important for us to talk about the mundane things in life. For any of those minor grievances in life, we were both willing to listen and support each other. He knew that I kept myself busy a lot and couldn't always be around for cuddles, hugs, and kisses. Unfortunately, over the long run, he needed a lot more physical contact than me, and we broke off the relationship peacefully.

Compromise is king, imo, and it is possible to find balance between communication styles. I learned to not see 6-10 short texts as bothersome, and he had to patient in getting responses. Also, we focused on having fun and enjoying one another's company when we did spend time together. You'll have to figure out what works between you and your SO, but hopefully this gives you some idea of what it can look like.

[Fldancer90]

I've been in a similar position to your SO before, though the relationship was CD. Despite living a half mile apart, I only saw my partner once a week. YMMV, but I can at least tell you what worked for me and my boyfriend.

In general, I'm not a talkative person. Sending texts everyday or calling on the phone each night sounds really exhausting to me, but that was how my boyfriend showed his affection. My schedule was regular, so I always knew when I'd be busy an unable to look at my phone. I told my bf when not to distract me, but he could send texts any other time. He also knew that I either wouldn't respond at all or not for a few hours. Sometimes, I just texted a smiley back to let him know I was getting his texts. So, throughout my day, I got encouraging text message. "Hope class is going well", "Good luck on your exam", "Have fun [doing X]", stuff like that. On days when I wasn't swamped with work, we chatted on the phone for about an hour, and we hung out on Friday or Saturday unless I was going to be away for the weekend. The time we spent together in person was about us and gave me a chance to show my appreciation back. We spent a lot of time playing pool (his favorite game) and watching his favorite tv shows and movies with pizza.

Even though it worked as a compromise, and I still kept him regularly informed about events going on my life, we went back to a more traditional CD relationship after a month. It was also very important for us to talk about the mundane things in life. For any of those minor grievances in life, we were both willing to listen and support each other. He knew that I kept myself busy a lot and couldn't always be around for cuddles, hugs, and kisses. Unfortunately, over the long run, he needed a lot more physical contact than me, and we broke off the relationship peacefully.

Compromise is king, imo, and it is possible to find balance between communication styles. I learned to not see 6-10 short texts as bothersome, and he had to patient in getting responses. Also, we focused on having fun and enjoying one another's company when we did spend time together. You'll have to figure out what works between you and your SO, but hopefully this gives you some idea of what it can look like.

Thanks for sharing your story with me, especially regarding the level of communication you both needed. It's been hard for me to understand that he's not a huge texter because I correlate it to his level of interest. I do want us to stay in touch as much as possible while we are apart and I'm hopeful that I can get him into more of a habit of keeping in touch. He's absolutely fine when I initiate conversation, it's just getting him to initiate.

[snow]

I wonder if the problem lies with thinking that just because you're in a LDR you don't have anyone you come home to?

This is something my husband and I did when we were long distance. We would treat each other as if we lived together, as if we saw each other every single day, so we would tell each other the things people would notice if they lived together - a big band-aid on my arm from a scratch I got, new water bottle he bought, etc. etc.

This way, he can't just throw himself into work because there is someone "home" waiting for him!

And I'm not saying he has to tell you every little detail of his work day or home life, but knowing there is someone who is waiting for you at home might help.

[Fldancer90]

I wonder if the problem lies with thinking that just because you're in a LDR you don't have anyone you come home to?

This is something my husband and I did when we were long distance. We would treat each other as if we lived together, as if we saw each other every single day, so we would tell each other the things people would notice if they lived together - a big band-aid on my arm from a scratch I got, new water bottle he bought, etc. etc.

This way, he can't just throw himself into work because there is someone "home" waiting for him!

And I'm not saying he has to tell you every little detail of his work day or home life, but knowing there is someone who is waiting for you at home might help.

You're hit the nail right on the head. When it became a LDR, the relationship became a lot less involved because we didn't have that face to face time. We never texted or called a huge amount because we both feeded more off the quality time we had. As we transitioned, I need more communication to came up for it because nothing else has changed in my life. Where as he has so much new and exciting stuff to figure out with his new job and new city that he doesn't have extra time to devote to texting and phone calls. He noted something along the lines of not having to pull himself out of the work mode because he doesn't come home to me or have to leave at a certain time for a date night or things like that.

So you have made such a good point and given me things to think about as we move forward. The hardest part is not letting the situation get over thought by me. When I get to thinking, it hurts because I do most of the initiating and that makes me feel like he doesn't care or he isn't as interested as before. So I'm trying to focus on the conversation more and not who starts it. When we do talk, no matter who initiates it, the conversation is easy and fun. Just focusing on that!

[Fldancer90]

I'm wondering if there's anyone out there with any more advice for me. I've been racking my brain but still feel like I'm at a loss for how to help him. This community is so great!