Completely ignored by SO after fight.

[Jsm92]

Hi guys!

This is my first post, I usually just read others. But I'm in emotional hell right now and really need to hear from others in ldr.

I live in Denmark in Northern Europe, and my bf lives in the States on the east coast. We've almost been together for a year, and I visited him all summer. We sometimes have little incidents , usually if I get emotional and say something stupid/jealous, and he's the type that needs time to think before he's okay again if he gets mad, but its never been more than 2 days max. This time I called him super drunk on Saturday night and completely blew up his phone. He was hanging with friends but I wanted to talk to him and my drunk mind wouldn't take no for an answer. So he got super mad cause he had said "I love you, but let's just talk tomorrow, you're too drunk and I'm busy" something of the sort. So sober me would have been cool with that, but I just could not see the big picture. Anyway he ended up calling me and basically yelling at me for 40 mins telling me how I ruined his night and that I really needed to sort some things out. And he said I might regret saying this but right now having this conversation I feel like maybe we shouldn't even talk anymore. I'm shutting my phone off and you should sleep. So he did, and I did. And the next morning obviously I felt terrible and so embarrassed. So I sent him a long message saying sorry and that to take his time and space but that I really love him and didn't mean to ruin his night etc.. He saw it the next day but no reply.

It is now Thursday and I still haven't heard from him. Ive tried to stay strong and not message but last night I needed to tell him how I feel cause im honestly not really eating or sleeping and I've called in sick from work... So I did, but no reply. And I've seen him on our mutual friends Snapchat story at a concert having the best time - all smiles. While I'm over here in the feral position.

This is the guy that I want to marry and have kids with. We talk about this so often, and its been something we both want. He's even asked me several times like let's just get married right now! And stuff like that. We usually stay in touch ever single day, so this is torture to me.

I know that I should "do me" and not think about it, but I've established that I can't. I'm on a friends couch just crying being taken care of, cause I am a huge mess..

Is there anything comforting or in anyway helpful you guys could tell me?

Honestly any reply would be great..

Thanks so much in advance, and sorry its so long.

Xoxo
JoJo

[Moon]

Awww...sorry you're in a bad place right now Reading this, I'm thinking two things 1 - he's really upset and needs a little time, or 2- He's being vindictive and letting you suffer a bit. Sort of making you "pay" for what you did.

You've reached out twice, he's not ready yet, give him a few more days, even though it might drive you crazy. You do deserve a conversation though, so contact him after the weekend, if you don't hear anything. Just keep in mind that emotions and alcohol are a terrible combination, try to keep your drinking to when you know you probably won't be speaking with him, especially if you find it hard then to control what you say or do. Good luck, I hope you hear something soon.

[Elisabeth]

First off, it's unfortunate that this is going on in your relationship. It sounds like you two are really close to each other. For now, be patient. Let the emotions pass and try to come back to a rational state of mind. You've already tried to reach out, so let your SO respond in his own time. From what you've said, it sounds like your drunken behavior really angered him, so it might just take some more time to move past this. In the future, avoid contacting him while you're drunk. It's a lot easier to do things you'll later regret when your inhibitions are lowered by alcohol.

In the meantime, try to do things that are fun. Get outside, spend time with your friends. Next week, go back to work even if you don't feel like going. At least for me, I usually feel better after doing things even if I thought I was going to hate it at the start. And maybe skip drinking and partying this weekend. Best of luck getting through this and hopefully your SO will feel ready to talk to you soon.

[Jsm92]

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to reply! It really helps.

You are both so right.. He's definitely making me pay and it feels like he doesn't care how long I feel this way..

I've read everything and taking it to mind. Ive been at a friends place all week, she's sort of taking care of me.. And I'm going out to eat some lunch at a restaurant now, even though I don't really feel like being among people. But it might be good, like you said..

What would you say too long is though? Like I'm beginning to wonder if this was his way of breaking things off and I might not hear from him?

He has plane tickets to come see me for Xmas and spend it with my family... I have no clue if he has cancelled this flight or what...


Again, any reply is super helpful, and thanks to those who gave me advice already!

/Jo

[Redheart14]

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to reply! It really helps.

You are both so right.. He's definitely making me pay and it feels like he doesn't care how long I feel this way..

I've read everything and taking it to mind. Ive been at a friends place all week, she's sort of taking care of me.. And I'm going out to eat some lunch at a restaurant now, even though I don't really feel like being among people. But it might be good, like you said..

What would you say too long is though? Like I'm beginning to wonder if this was his way of breaking things off and I might not hear from him?

He has plane tickets to come see me for Xmas and spend it with my family... I have no clue if he has cancelled this flight or what...


Again, any reply is super helpful, and thanks to those who gave me advice already!

/Jo

Just wait a bit more and try make contact again. A few (2) more days I'd say.

[Honour]

What the others said. Sorry you're having such a rough go of things! You should give him some more time to see whether or not he responds. Sometimes people just need a bit of time to clear their heads.

[Jsm92]

He has replied with "your apologies mean very little to me". That's it.


Help...
<3

[TheSteelAngel]

He has replied with "your apologies mean very little to me". That's it.


Help...
<3

What the eff? That's a really shitty thing to say! Even if he's mad at you there is no excuse for him to even say that to you. I'm sorry that you're going through this

[Jsm92]

Yea. It's a very weird message.

I don't think I'm gonna respond for a while.

How do I even interpret that?

[sasad]

He has replied with "your apologies mean very little to me". That's it.


Help...
<3

Playing the other side here.,.. How often have you gone off and "been emotional" and apologized? If it's been multiple times, then he may be being honest. There's a point when "I'm sorry" just doesn't mean anything anymore. Honestly, how many times have you apologized for your behavior?
~~~I'm not necessarily standing up for his behavior, but I have been at the point where I have said the same....

[Redheart14]

In your first post you said you Sometimes have these little incidents. How frequently are they happening? Was this last one the worst? If it's not the worst, maybe it's hurt him more than you realise. Or like sasad states maybe he's just had enough. Either way you need to talk this out with him. Only he knows how he's feeling right now, and until he conveys this with you, sadly you're left in the dark. Maybe ask him if you can talk to him as you want to know how he's feeling.

[Jsm92]

Sasad, I actually think you're right. I've done this quite a few times, not on purpose, but where my mood has taken over and everything has escalated into a bad situation. And then apologised afterwards and said it would change, but then it probably hasn't changed much. So I think you might be right about him basically saying my apologies are quite weak and he doesn't believe in them anymore. The thing is though, that I do mean them 100%, I've just kinda had a rough times since I got back from his place in August. So sometimes my emotions have taken over completely and right after I've had some sort of outburst I'm like shit! Did not want it to escalate like that, and felt ashamed and sorry. But he probably just thinks its bullshit at this point.

You said youve felt the same way Sasad, did it mean for you that the person didn't mean anything to you anymore?

Redheart14, I have them maybe every 2 or 3 weeks, but usually smaller ones, and not completely drunken crazy girlfriend. Maybe more just a stupid jealous comment or something. But honestly this time I just felt alone and really really wanted to talk to him, it just came off as super selfish and I should have gone my ass to bed before any of it!! So this is the time he's taking it the hardest definirely, and yes it is probably because of the other times too.

I'm thinking I wanna tell him that I don't have any more apologies but that I've been too dependent on him for my own happiness and I need to change that. And then ask if we can decide on a day to talk on the phone about it.
How's that?

[R&R]

Saying sorry over and over and not changing your behavior, yes apologies no longer mean anything. I had an ex that did that - he'd get jealous or blow up and then "Oh, I'm sorry Baby" and then do it all over again. My patience wore thin really quickly and we broke up. By the time we broke up, it was a relief not to deal with him or his behavior any longer. 6 years later, he's still single after having gone through about 10 more relationships with the same results.

IMHO, he seems to have made up his mind. He's done dealing with it. If you two decide to work it out, you're really going to have to look at yourself, your behaviors and figure out ways to be more independent.

[Ejoriah]

I suggest that you message him telling him how you plan on making this time different. Something like "I know I've said sorry many times in the past and it hasn't changed anything, but this time I am going to [insert here] so it doesn't happen again." If he sees you are taking proactive steps to stop these things from happening, and he's not too jaded, there might be some hope. But you do have to really think about what brings on these outbursts, and then you actually have to commit to change.

[hmrambling]

"Your actions speak so loud, I cannot hear what you are saying." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Food for thought.

Apologies are just words. When we repeat the same behavior over and over, apologize, but never change, then we are unlikely to change. When words and actions don't line up together, we've got some work to do. I would have to work on my behavior if I were you.