Expectations vs. reality

[Rezie]

I want to start a discussion on a subject that has been on my mind for a while. I hope this translates well on paper (or on screen).

In a long distance relationship there is alot of time to envision how the next meeting will go and how it will feel. Or the moment in the future when you finally reunite or finally close the distance. You fantasize about you partner and in your head he is perfect for you. You will do things together and it will be the best time ever. You envison the futere and then they start feeling uncomfortabel with the plan you discussed?

What if the reality doesn't feel the way to thought it would? You have fun, but it is not great. You try to tell your anecdotes but they don't find them funny since they don't know the people. You feel like don't have anything to talk about. Even if your expectations were not unrealistic, the reality was a let down and the fantasy world you had gets bruised.

Has these happened to you? How did it feel? Did you get over it or was it a deal breaker? I would like to start a discussion on this subject and hopefully you guys can give insight on both positive and not so positive sides.

[sasad]

Why on earth would people really think that fantasy would be reality? You start a fantasy and get upset its not the "perfect " way you envisioned it?
Stay in real life with your relationships, otherwise you are setting UNREAL expectations on your SO.
How can that ever be a positive.. living in a fantasy dream world and expecting someone to act the way YOU want them too?
Sorry, its just wrong. A deal breaker if they don't fit what you want?

[Rezie]

I guess we can conclude that my point doesn't translate well on screen.

[Shirona]

On the contrary, I think it does. You might fantasize scenario A, that has , let's say, 10 negative and 10 positive aspects. But reality turns out to be scenario B, which might still have 10 negative and 10 positive aspects, but /different/ ones, that aren't combatible with what you want or can work with.

The thing is, when you have no idea what something might be like, it's almost impossible to avoid having expectations, because your mind won't be in a blank state, it will be forming possible outcomes to fill in the gaps. And during the long distance relationship your brain had been collecting data about your partner and yourself that were then combined (both conciously and unconciously) and used to figure out how life with them would be. And the collected data could lead to multiple conclusions, ond of them being B (reality) and another being A (yours). Of course it's inevitable that you'd be missing some data, since no matter how well you might had previously simulated living with them, it still wasn't the same as the real thing.

..I hope I didn't just make this a hell of a lot more complicated. I think this was what you were trying to say, not that you had an unrealistic, glorified scenario in your head that turned out to be average reality. Just that it wasn't what you expected and that you don't really like that particular outcome.

This was more of an explanation to sasad, but please correct me if I got anything (or all of it) wrong.

[sasad]

No, I was saying that if you set up expectations and fantasies in your head about your SO, then you are not being realistic or fair . That you fantasized about conversation and the outcomes... And were disappointed. You are setting up stuff when you plan out outcomes to expect..like witty replies etc. situations change, places change, there is so much chance that almost nothing will work out that way.
And even living together changes. It's just like we are allow our best behavior during the primary dating stage, then reality kicks in. We all fart and burp... So if you expect that to never happen, then that's not real.
OP asked if we had planned out that in our head and how it turned out. I was simply giving her a response on expectations vs reality and getting to really know a person,not the fantasy..

[Rezie]

Thank you shirona. You said it perfectly. I was trying to make my point by giving too simplistic and slightly over the top examples.

Of course in all relationships you need to get to know the real person and in the beginning of every relationship you give the best side of you. I feel like in long distance relationship this takes longer since the time spent together in the same space is limited and in a way the normal everyday you doesn't come out the same way as in close distance relationship. .

These are not all examples from my life. Some inspired by my relationship but some just randomly thought moments.

I was just wondering if people have experienced the feeling where the reality didn't match the way you expected things to go.

[Redheart14]

Thank you shirona. You said it perfectly. I was trying to make my point by giving too simplistic and slightly over the top examples.

Of course in all relationships you need to get to know the real person and in the beginning of every relationship you give the best side of you. I feel like in long distance relationship this takes longer since the time spent together in the same space is limited and in a way the normal everyday you doesn't come out the same way as in close distance relationship. .

These are not all examples from my life. Some inspired by my relationship but some just randomly thought moments.

I was just wondering if people have experienced the feeling where the reality didn't match the way you expected things to go.

If you don't let it impact you to the point where it potentially ruins your relationship, I wouldn't say fantasising is wrong. I'm sure before we met our SO's for the first time we have fantasised about the senario of meeting them for the first time, wether that is good or a bad fantasy, depends on the individual.

Fantasies before meeting could be negative, like thinking you might not work out, this could be as a defense mechanism to protect yourself from being hurt. Now if it goes well, despite those thoughts you're pleasantly surprised, right? But because you have those negative thoughts they could sabotage the potential for a possible great relationship if you let them consume you.

Fantasy is hard to live up to, as reality always seems to disappoint compared to our fantasy books, romantic movies and our thoughts that align with that. It's ok to fantasises just try to keep them nerutal and grounded to avoid unnecessary sabotage or disappointment. When I know I'm seeing my SO I think about attainable things I want to do like walking along the beach, going out for dinner and so on. It's achievable and I'm not disappointed or let down and anything extra that happens on top of that that is always a wonderful bonus.

Hope that helps you in some way.

[Elisabeth]

While we all fantasize, I think it's important not to let that define expectations. Most things in life don't go exactly how we envisioned them, but it doesn't make the experience any less negative. This would be true to anything, not just relationships. Fantasizing about a romantic walk down a sandy beach at sunset highlighted by a passionate kiss and confession of undying love might be nice, but it also isn't realistic. There are so many things no one can control or predict. Having unrealistic and unattainable expectations only leads to disappointment.

For me, I try to keep the expectations as low as possible and within the sphere of what I can control. I feel fairly confident about the expectation that I can make someone's favorite food when they come to visit. But, I'm not basing the entire experience off of that. I want to enjoy the company of people I like regardless of how that actually plays out.

On the flip side, dwelling on possible negative outcomes and "what ifs" can be just as detrimental. It's possible to inadvertently sabotage a perfectly good experience by imagining that the worst will happen. While there is a possibility of being surprised by how well things turned out, at least in my experience, sometimes I feel disappointed by good experiences because it didn't validate negative thoughts. Also, expecting a negative experience means that sometimes I don't enjoy myself as much because I'm constantly thinking about how much worse it can get.

It's a bit hard to comment thoroughly without a more concrete example. This seems to just be a hypothetical situation.

[gamer_gurl]

In long-distance relationships where we haven't met the other person yet, we use imagination to fill in gaps that exist due to the inherent non-physical character of the relationship. There is always risk we can over- or under-fantasise. As with everything in life, it is important to keep a healthy balance and stay in check. How we balance this stuff out depends a lot on our personality etc. It is almost like loosing yourself in a romantic novel - it's precious. Most of us do it to an extent. Some of us more realistic, some less. Some don't even like to read romances ;-) Beauty of variety in life. But of course I agree with all you guys say, you're all right in your respective universes.

When I met my SO for the first time a week ago, it did not go to *my plan* at all. I was picturing him tall and dashing, with a bunch of roses, tearing up at seeing me. I waited for his car to arrive, standing outside the house, arms crossed, all fidgety, I thought my heart would explode. And instead of getting my romantic fantasy scenario, I got something better :-) We looked at each other, smiled, hugged, he said he just had his beard trimmed for me, and I joked I didn't bother to shave my face for him today. We both laughed. That's how memories are made.

I think it's cool to have expectations, we have imagination to fantasise, but should remain open to what can happen. Let life surprise us ;-)

[differentcountries]

For us, it is in part a practical thing. The thing I want is for him to meet me at the airport etc. Instead I have to go in a maxitaxi with strangers, usually happy families who are very puzzled why I go all by myself. It is not because he does not want to pick me up but his hours do not allow coming. İ have stopped hoping that his boss will let him take time
off. He used to wait for me with food at least, but now I have to go to a hotel all by myself, then to his job and eat there by myself, wanting for hours to get a kiss or even attention. This is the very opposite of what I want. We wanted to go on a boat trip last time, it did not happen. There is very little perfection.

But, I have found something else instead. SO is very proud that we are still dating and very aware that lots of people would have left by now. He feels very loved by my patience, and he sees it as an example of my many "skills" of being his wife, so to speak. And I love it when he looks at me in secret, and his friend teasing him because he wants to be close to my table. I love it when he sends tons of food my way, or cute kittens. I love it when I refuse special treatment and he gets the "I love you, farmer wife" look in his eyes lol 😂 İt is so obvious he thinks I am a catch. His mum is very practical and non-sentimental, so I take those compliments to heart.

He was actually quite upset last time. He really wanted that boat trip to happen. He felt like he owed it to me. But I was so touched by his eagerness to please me that I just said: "For sure we will have many great moments in the years to come". And he was so relived. I want those special moments. But I want him more. Because he is special.

[Katy_G]

My SO and I used to discuss elaborate scenarios about when we would meet. We talked of everything: a kiss at the airport, romantic dinner out, and then him meeting my parents. It was planned out.

What did happen: we didn't meet at the airport since he had a very late flight and I had no means of transportation at that hour. We met for brunch the next day. We ended up not going to the museum we wanted to see and instead wound up running errands together. And when he did meet my folks, it was not the formal scary thing he feared. My parents were in their pajamas/working from home that day and it was more relaxed than we all thought.

Still quite a story.

[Harlequin]

I anticipated we'd have immediate physical chemistry, because we were so compatible over text, and I actually got a little worried when that spark wasn't quite there on the first date. It wasn't until half way through the second date, about a week or two later, that we both felt that spark of "yes, I want to date this person." My issue is that I tend to take a problem that's happening in the present, and then just run with it. So my mind was like "okay, the spark isn't there just yet, which is normal, BUT WHAT IF IT NEVER COMES?! WE BUILT THIS UP FOR NOTHING AND HE'S GONNA THINK I USED HIM FOR SEX OMG!" And I almost sabotaged myself.

After that, I decided to go through the relationship with very basic expectations, and just see how things turned out. My mind was much more content with that. I still get the occasional "BUT WHAT IF!!" thoughts, but it's nothing that will sabotage myself. Either way, my s/o has completely exceeded any expectation I could have had for the relationship, and reality is WAY better than fantasy.

Fantasizing isn't necessarily bad, but just make sure you don't put a whole lot of stock into it so that you don't wind up disappointed. If there's a fantasy that you want to have come true, talk to your s/o about it and see if it can happen. I find that not talking about easily achievable fantasies will also cause a lot of disappointment that doesn't need to happen.

Before we even became official, I made an off-handed remark to my s/o about how I always thought being surprised with flowers every now and then was really sweet, but I had only ever gotten flowers from partners when they felt like they were obligated to do it. They never actually WANTED to buy me flowers. My s/o has gotten me flowers at least once a month, every month, since we started dating. He does it because he wants to. Reality totally annihilated my expectations.

[Honour]

If you have ridiculously high expectations of your SO, be it before the first meeting, after and several meetings down the line etc, then you'll be disappointed in the long run 1) Because of these unfair expectations, and 2) They will likely never become reality. Downplay your hopes and don't expect everything you'd hoped to happen. But don't be too negative either. That'll just cause problems and even make your relationship turn sour.

[Ejoriah]

I'm guilty of playing up scenarios in my head all the time. After my husband is gone for a while, I keep imagining what his return will be like, the sweet things we'll do, etc. More often than not all my carefully elaborated fantasies crumble to the ground, and then I feel silly for being upset I think we all engage in a level of setting expectations, whether we do it consciously or not. But it's important to keep in mind that things don't always go how we imagine, and we have to be flexible enough to accommodate reality.

[oinkpig329]

To OP: Yes yes yes!! I've been long distance for 2 years, and I'm lucky enough to visit him once a month. My theory is that long distance sucks and it's really hard. And I hold on to the positives, remember all the good stuff, to help me get though to the next visit. And the life is more than the highlights and not all happy moments, so there's an adjustment between the real him and my brain version of him. I realized this after a few visits when I'd get upset on the first day and then everything would be fine, I was readjusting my expectations of him to reality. Now I just make sure to check myself every so often, and adjust my expectations before I visit.