Advice on when you close the distance

[Polly]

My boyfriend is moving back home after working in another country for 3 years. We dated in the same city for 6 months, and then 3 and a half years ago he moved away for work. We've been doing long distance since then, and now finally he is going to be back in less than a week for good!

We plan on living together when he returns. I'm so happy and excited but those feelings are mixed with apprehension. In 3 years of long distance dating, on average we only were able to visit each other for about 4 days every two months. I've become used to being on my own and we only dated in the same city for 6 months before he left.

I worry about what will happen when we start living together and what to expect. It's a huge change and transition.

Does anyone have advice on what couples should or shouldn't do when transitioning from long distance to being back together again? Or can share what your experience was like when you closed the distance?

I guess I'm thinking of those cases, like a co-worker of mine who did long distance but then they broke up right after she and her boyfriend started dating in the same place. She said for some reason it worked better when they were long distance and only saw each other every few months for exciting trips or activities and then it failed when they tried close distance dating.

[arabella]

Hi Polly,
unfortunately i cannot give you advice since I havenīt close the distance myself. Anyhow I think itīs quite common to have worries when closing the distance will happen so soon. But maybe it would be a good idea if you donīt move in together immediately? So the two of you can adjust to the new situation. I donīt know if that is a possibility( whether he can find a place on his own). For the rest, the only advice I can give: communicate with your boyfriend, be open about your worries. Probably he has worries as well.

[SailorRei]

I had my long distance bf live with me in my tiny apartment for 3 months, and it did not go as well as it could. My advice would be either live apart and date often, or if you move in together- find decent big place and make sure that you are both busy with daily life, so that coming home and telling each other about your days will be something you'll look forward too

Fingers crossed that you'll find right solution for you and your SO

[Katy_G]

Hi Polly,
unfortunately i cannot give you advice since I havenīt close the distance myself. Anyhow I think itīs quite common to have worries when closing the distance will happen so soon. But maybe it would be a good idea if you donīt move in together immediately? So the two of you can adjust to the new situation. I donīt know if that is a possibility( whether he can find a place on his own). For the rest, the only advice I can give: communicate with your boyfriend, be open about your worries. Probably he has worries as well.

I agree that it may be ok to live apart in the early stages of closing the distance. Adjusting to dating in the same area is a challenge enough, even without adjusting to living together.

My partner and I have chosen not to live together yet for a variety of reasons, including this. We need to get used to each other again.

[R&R]

I closed the distance once. We moved in right away and were married the next week. The transition, just like if you were dating locally and then moved in together, is what you make of it. You each have to learn to adjust together and figure out what will work best for you. I think it's important to have some important guidelines set down before the move:

Who is going to pay for what or how are you going to divvy up the rent/mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc?
What are the expectations as far as chores?
How do you feel about friends/company and the frequency of people being over?
What are you work schedules going to be like?

If you can figure these things out ahead of time, it will help. My ex-SO and I had no issue and the transition was very smooth. There will always be an adjustment period for both of you and you will need to communicate things as they come up.

[Honour]

R&R, I wholeheartedly agree with your advice. My SO knows I won't be physically capable of doing some things around the house because of my health problems, and finding an adequate job may take some time. We started talking about things like this awhile back, though we won't be able to close the distance for awhile yet. Knowing what you can, will, need, want etc. to do, and what your SO can, will, need, want etc. to do too could really help with closing the distance.

[Ejoriah]

I think a big change is that when you visit while in LDR, every moment is spent together. Once you move in together though, you both need your own space and both should feel comfortable doing their own things. Your SO doesn't love you any less even if you're not spending all free time together. That was one of the toughest things for me to learn, once my (now-) husband and I moved in together. Figuring out the nitty gritty stuff like R&R pointed out is also very important.

[Polly]

Thanks for all the great advice. We haven't talked in detail about things like chores and how we'll share finances, although we have agreed that it would be smart to keep our own separate bank accounts, and have one shared one which we use to pay for things we both share, like paying for bills and food.

Both my boyfriend and I are introverts so we both are ok with having alone, quiet time when we are sharing space but doing our own things.

I think we do have different habits, but we are both fairly neat and clean. I do think things will come up, like he does not like cooking, so hopefully it doesn't end up me doing all the cooking.
So we've talked about some things, but not everything.

I think I worry about it a little, because I have no idea what to expect. I've gotten so used to being apart, and living on my own.

Maybe I'm worrying for nothing.

Also, he is moving in with me until he finds a job and then once he does he plans on finding his own apartment. After that I'll slowly move in and then we plan in about 6-8 months to move in together in a more permanent place.

[xxcazaxx]

You might find that it goes so well that you want to both move into the new flat at the same time. Would save money so that you aren't paying rent on 2 flats. Just a thought.

[Framboise]

I had my long distance bf live with me in my tiny apartment for 3 months, and it did not go as well as it could. My advice would be either live apart and date often, or if you move in together- find decent big place and make sure that you are both busy with daily life, so that coming home and telling each other about your days will be something you'll look forward too

Fingers crossed that you'll find right solution for you and your SO

How did you make it work after this "fail" in living together?