I need some help about my situation..

[he-mane]

Hey LFAD guys,

I am writing this because I really need an advice on how to proceed with this. Please bare with me as this may take long to read and understand..


So Me & my SO already bridged the gap and met at March.2016 for the whole month. It was the best feeling I felt in forever.. But before that, She & I already broke up last December 2015 becuase of me. I became very toxic to her and I admit it.
Then she and a guy who's been being too friendly with her while we're still together. At that time, we broke up then they started to get to know each other. That's from December 2015 - Feb 2016, while on that.. I was still there, being just on a side and it's okay for me. I love her anyway..
Then at March, I went to her to fight for what we have and somehow it took me a while but both of us found that happiness we've been missing out since we are on a LDR..

After that, I went back on April. Things we're great, she's too motivated and happier than ever! Me as wel.. But things were kind of shaky, all of us experiences that in our lives. We managed to get through it.
But this August, things kind of fallen apart.. Firstly, her phone is dying on us. So we've lost contact for a week or two. Then she told me before losing contact that she's sick and needs to see a Doctor..
After that, she told me her findings were.. She got an STD, and she's blaming me for it. I've told her and swoar that she's the only woman I've slept with. And I believe that she's clean of those herself. She takes great care of her body.
So by knowing that, I took a test for myself as well.. My findings were all negative, urine and blood. So I told her and she still won't believe me. But there's one more thing..
While we're getting to know each other, I've told her my deepest darkest past.. As a child, I've been told to do things a child should'nt have done of. As I was innocent and young I didn't know,
And while the Doctor was explaining to me the ways on how to get those. I remembered that, and I cried. As after all those years, I have an STD and I don't know about it. Now my SO left because of it.

At first it hurts, because we already broken up at the time I'm taking the test myself. Plus she left me because of it. I don't blame her for it, I respected her decision.
So after days of crying, I finally accepted that she's better off without me and I felt so sorry to her that I had given it to her without me knowing..

So weeks of staying away from her, I deactivated all my accounts on social media even my mobile apps. I was fine, until when I'm alone I tend to look at our photos and cried myself to sleep..
So after 3 weeks of me not contacting her, she contacted me. At first, I ignored it as I was at work at the time she called and messaged me. Second time, the next day she contacted me as well. While I was at work, and right after I went home from work. It's like she cares all of a sudden. Then she called, I answered..
She was crying and saying, I've been trying to contact you for days and I've only found the courage to do it.
I told her, what's happening everything all right? I know it's not so she told me the whole story.. here it goes, sorry I have to give you the whole backgroound. As I don't want you guys to think that she's a bad person or me. We all have different fair shares of good and bad so please bear with me..

She's in this situation, she started seeing a guy, she said he was nice and all. But all of a sudden, he threatened to kill himself if she don't comply to what he wanted. And the tears runned down her eyes and she told me, they had sex. And me while I was hearing the whole lot. I was broken, I don't know what to think as she's being manipulated by that guy and the other thing was.. They had sex, I'm starting to think like crazy as hell. But I ignored my feelings and let her finish. So with my curiuosity, I asked how many times have they done. She said many times as well, so It's kind of my fault as I asked too much questions. And if she liked it or not, she could'nt tell as you'll not do it if you don't want to right? You have the full decision on your actions. So I stopped asking about it. What worries me is that, she told me that this guy is threatening her and her family. Like he'd burn their place down if she leave him but of course that's without her on the house. He said so she can feel the pain he's going through. And from what I see, she's trapped.. The guy has her by her neck and she can't do anything about it. So she was crying while telling me all the truth. I told her, it's not nice to have someone manipulated or controlled. We all should have a say or choice on what we wanted it life. And even the sex, the guy is forcing her to but since when you start, you started going along too. And that guy even put a SPY app on her mobile phone so he can track everything she does. Even facebook account, he has it. He told her to block me but she can't or he can't anyway. As I'm deactivated and no other way to block me while I'm deactivated as he can't search for me. She contacted me via Skype because that's the only thing she logged out and that guy doesn't know about her account on it. So, he manipulating her to do the things he wants and if she refuses. He threatened of killing himself, second putting an SPY app on her phone? Even I would not do that, I only ask her sometimes on how her day went but for him to track everything she do? That's fucked up.. Sorry for the F word. So I told her, I don't blame her for anything of it. It hurts of course knowing you had sex with him, but what's my place. I'm only your "ex" at that time. My first suggestion was, tell that issue to her parents. Because seriously, I fear for her. As he might do something towards her, he's not physically abusing her yet, but rather abusing her emotionally and mentally. No one should be allowed to be abused. Because I'm not there, I can't protect her. So she need to let her family know about it, they'll protect her from that kind of guy. Second, slowly cut off any contacts with him, change your passwords and most importantly reset your phone to have that SPY app removed. And I told her to stand up for herself, like what she did when she told me we should break up. Because that chain on her neck won't be broken without her doing something.

Lastly, she told me to give her time to fix what she put herself through. Because only she can fix it, but she was very grateful of my opinion. She's been holding it for too long. But it sucks though, I have to stay away from her and just wait for her on the sideline when to contact me. I can't message her on facebook as that guy might see it and do something stupid. I love her, after all what happened. She's the girl I fought for. I just hope she can fight for me the same way I did for her.
So yea, it's like we're back together figuring and working some things out. But she got that guy to see, to hang out with. I only told her one thing, a request maybe it's too much. I told her, stop having sex with him. As he'd probably using her just for her body and not the love, feelings the sex was suppose to be felt. I know I'd probably come out of this as a desperate guy or what. But she's only a woman and we all make mistakes. She can't start again or over if I don't give her the chance to and I forgive her for it.

So guys, please don't judge me or my SO. We all have made bad choices in life. But she wanted to change, and change doesn't start at trying, by giving a chance and forgiving.
I welcome any suggestions on how should we tackle this.

Thanks,
D

[sasad]

No. No no no no no....
If this was happening to her then YOU call the police. If she is being threatened etc and forced to have sex?? That's RAPE. Report it.

This relationship is wrong.. SHE IS HAVING CONSENSUAL SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN. and you are ok with that to the point you have to ask her not to do it .

SO you have a STD you gave her?? Or does she have it? Actually everyone she is having sex with is going to have to see a doctor.. YOU need to report that as well.. geez.

I don't know why you are doing this to yourself... Shes had sex with at least 2 other men... probably more. I don't even know what to say anymore as this is one messed up situation and you all are infecting other innocent people.

[he-mane]

I have it, I didn't know until now.. If you have read, I've been forced to do some things on my childhood which probably gave me that. She had sex with him when we already broken up, so I can't do anything about it.

I asked her to not do it anymore as she said, she needed time to fix that thing she went through. Probably a rebound relationship since we've just broken up at the time.. A rebound relationship that gone wrong and a fucked up one..

And I'm the first guy she's done it with, I know it. So that guy was the second but that's RAPE as you may say. As she's being forced to it or he's using his words to killing himself if she don't do it..

I am very sorry if you got offended by me having an STD. I didn't want it either, if only I've known what they're telling me to do at the time then I probably don't carry it until now..

[sasad]

I have it, I didn't know until now.. If you have read, I've been forced to do some things on my childhood which probably gave me that. She had sex with him when we already broken up, so I can't do anything about it.

I asked her to not do it anymore as she said, she needed time to fix that thing she went through. Probably a rebound relationship since we've just broken up at the time.. A rebound relationship that gone wrong and a fucked up one..

And I'm the first guy she's done it with, I know it. So that guy was the second but that's RAPE as you may say. As she's being forced to it or he's using his words to killing himself if she don't do it..

I am very sorry if you got offended by me having an STD. I didn't want it either, if only I've known what they're telling me to do at the time then I probably don't carry it until now..

I am not offended by the STD.. I just think everyone needs to practice safe sex. I would hope you have both been treated and she needs to tell other men she has had sex with. That's FAIR and RIGHT.

You said you asked her to not have sex with the guy she is with.. so, if she is making that choice, then its not rape.. If it is rape and she is being threatened with bodily harm or anything, then you need to tell the police to keep her safe and he family safe..

[he-mane]

Yes, I get your point. But I was kind of lets say molested so, there's nothing much I can do about it. We both have been tested now, I tested negative to all of it. But I have it orally, since they've done it orally with me.. And she got a warts on the bottom area as you know why..

I told her that, because she asked me on what should she do and somehow just realizes that she still loves me. After I cut off my contacts with her and after she went with that rebound relationship.

It's going to be hard for me, while I know we talked about things and all. But what if that time she asked me to wait, then She and that Guy do it again. It'll probably left me into pieces..

And nobody is fine knowing that their SO is having sex with another person rather than being them, and you're okay with it. It doesn't work like that, I explained to her. Hopefully, she do the right things as of this moment.

I can't even engage a conversation with her as she said, that guy has a SPY app on her mobile and probably opens up her social media accounts. So I have to wait, until she contacted me..

And I do hope she acts about it ASAP, as I fear that she might get hurt physically while trying to cut her ties off with him..

[sasad]

Again, She can clean her phone or bring it to the police. That's just BS..
And if you are all so scared, GO TO THE POLICE. There are laws against what he is doing, if that is in fact the truth.

Personally, this sounds like a a mess relationship and you HOPE she does the right thing? In your heart of hearts, do you believe her?

[he-mane]

We all make mistakes at some point and we want to straightened our mistakes.
By giving her a chance, will allow her to fix what mess she put herself through then we fix us.
I know it's a mess already, it's a lot for me to take in. But I still choose her over anything. It may take a lot of extra work to make this work.
But hey, relationships takes a lot of work.

And yes, in my heart. I believe her.

[sasad]

Ok, so you tested negative, so how do you have the std??
Also, she wants you to wait - again- until she stops having sex with this guy... at this point its not rape if she agrees to it and even "likes" it.
And again, she says he has spy apps on her phone, why wont she just reset it and restore it back to factory? And how can she skype you? If its on her phone, its traceable.

Again, if there are threats against her and her family, then you need to do something.

[he-mane]

Sorry for the late reply.
I tested negative to, syphilis, gonorrhoea, HIV to almost anything.
But I have it through oral sex, Doctor said the chances are very high since what happened to me in my childhood days. And even if there's no visible sign I'm experiencing. I have it, it's just laying dormant onto my system.
And that is how I passed it onto her.

And for the waiting, I told her. I can't be in this position. It's very hard for me, I love her but she needs to fix those things herself.
I am truly crushed into pieces knowing she had sex with him, eventhough she don't love him. And in a span of 3 weeks time. It's like I didn't even matter at all. As you said, she had full control of herself. And wanted it at some point too.
As for me, I have an idea on who the guy might be. I'm not telling her yet and she's not telling me either. I may be wrong, but my hunch after our first breakup was right.
So I am very confident I knew him. But I won't say a thing until she speaks up when the time is right.

Right now, I have no contact to her. She messaged me, I just read it and not to reply back. She mad a good progress after we talked.
She told me, she's been great and step by step she's managing herself out of the situation. She's planning to tell the guys mother on what he's been doing to himself and to hers.
Maybe after that they will all talk, and this guy will be all good and fine. I just hope she stoop up for herself and leave him once and for all. So she can start a new life for herself.
I don't want to be a third wheeler to them.
And if we're to start again, I want her to be whole. Not partially.

[sasad]

But if you did not dance positive you probably don't have it. Even if you are a carrier you would show some sign. at this point it may be your girlfriend I gave it to you. She tested positive you did not do you have any symptoms?

[whatruckus]

I'm confused as to what kind of STD it is. Is it HPV? Because honestly, EVERYONE pretty much gets it at some point in their lives. The only cause for concern is if the cells mutate (in a woman, on her cervix). I had HPV, but it cleared up on its own after 2 years or so (my Pap was clear). One of my Paps came back "Abnormal", and when that happens they automatically test the cells for HPV and I had it. Who did I get from? No clue, could've gotten it from my former SO that I joined this site for, or the ex before him. It lays dormant sometimes, and doesn't pop up for a while. But, it usually clears up on its own, it just takes a few years (like it did for me). And for males, there's no way of testing for it. If one person, or partner, has HPV, pretty much anyone you have sex with has it or had it too.

This whole story doesn't add up to me, I'm sorry.

Thought Catalog Guide to STDs

[sasad]

I'm confused as to what kind of STD it is. Is it HPV? Because honestly, EVERYONE pretty much gets it at some point in their lives. The only cause for concern is if the cells mutate (in a woman, on her cervix). I had HPV, but it cleared up on its own after 2 years or so (my Pap was clear). One of my Paps came back "Abnormal", and when that happens they automatically test the cells for HPV and I had it. Who did I get from? No clue, could've gotten it from my former SO that I joined this site for, or the ex before him. It lays dormant sometimes, and doesn't pop up for a while. But, it usually clears up on its own, it just takes a few years (like it did for me). And for males, there's no way of testing for it. If one person, or partner, has HPV, pretty much anyone you have sex with has it or had it too.

This whole story doesn't add up to me, I'm sorry.

Thought Catalog Guide to STDs

Thank you, I thought it was just me....

So basically he is with a girl that is with a guy that forces (rapes) her under duress.. But she enjoys it. And it's the same guy that she was banging during there last break up...
Now she is asking him (OP) for time to get away from said dude, and have OP wait for her..
Now now, he has an STD and doesn't test positive, but thinks it's him cuz of molestation as a child ( this pisses me off as no one should EVER touch a child) ...but I don't see how and honestly thinks it's his GF that has it.
Same thing, maybe she didn't have penetration by a guy vaginally, but there are other ways you can get stds.

I think he is being played tbh. If my daughter was being forced to have sex, I would call authorities or something.

[whatruckus]

Thank you, I thought it was just me....

So basically he is with a girl that is with a guy that forces (rapes) her under duress.. But she enjoys it. And it's the same guy that she was banging during there last break up...
Now she is asking him (OP) for time to get away from said dude, and have OP wait for her..
Now now, he has an STD and doesn't test positive, but thinks it's him cuz of molestation as a child ( this pisses me off as no one should EVER touch a child) ...but I don't see how and honestly thinks it's his GF that has it.
Same thing, maybe she didn't have penetration by a guy vaginally, but there are other ways you can get stds.

I think he is being played tbh. If my daughter was being forced to have sex, I would call authorities or something.

That's really strange to me. She says she's being raped (basically), but enjoys it? What?

Also, if it's Herpes, EVERYONE HAS HERPES. You know what a cold sore is? It's Herpes. Herpes Simplex 1, to be exact.

I'm very confused, and honestly, like sasad, I think she's playing you. Because, her whole story doesn't add up and makes no sense whatsoever.

[he-mane]

Sorry for late reply. As I live on a GMT +13 time zone.

I meant, I have an HPV on my mouth. And she has a genital wart, which I have given her. She's a decent lady and takes good care of her body. And I know, I'm her first sexual partner.
And for their sex part, she told me. At times, she was saying "no" but the guy insisted and of course. Even if we say "no", sometimes if it feels good and we had to go along with it.

I tested negative to all of those, same with her. It's only the, HPV in my mouth which I had from my childhood. And her warts. Doctor told me, that right now. There is no cure or definite way to know what HPV I had as I show no sypmtoms. And that is the only reason I think of which I have gotten it from. I told him, if it's possible to get a biopsy of a tissues on my tongue, he examines it and told me there's no visible sign of HPV as sometimes it can be microscopic and can lay dormant inside your body. And he said, as far as I am concerned. I have it, and couldn't tell what type I may have until I show a sign so they can get sample and sent it onto a laboratory. He told me, I may have the common one which as you guys said. It pretty much goes away on its own. And but on a very rare case, I could've have gotten the one that can cause throat cancer. And it sucks knowing that, it can't be cured as of yet and just hope it goes away on its own. So I have no medications for anything as he said, he can't give any as I don't show a symptoms.

And for I what I've said about her to stop doing it with him. I mean, guys. If we're to start over again or in the process of doing so. While she said, let her fix that issue she put herself through. It's not cool if they do it again, it's like. I knew they're having sex and I'm cool with it? No, that's why I said that.
And I told her when her issues are fixed, get herself tested again. As who knows, what that guy might given her.

[whatruckus]

Like I said before, everyone has gotten HPV before if they're sexually active. Whether she got it from you or not, you will never know. Stop worrying about if you gave it to her. For all you know, the guy who supposedly rapes her, gave it to her. HPV is literally the most common STD people get.

And, as far as I know, all the people I know who have been sexually assaulted do not enjoy it and then "just go along with it." That's BS. And, I'm honestly offended on all sexual assault survivor's behalfs that you would say they could or would enjoy it after a while. I don't believe that it would ever "feel good" for someone who doesn't want it.