Being less dependent

[TheGirlAlmighty]

Hi everyone. This is my first post, so be gentle. My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for a little over 9 months. I am 7 years older, I have finished my degree and I have a great job, while he just finished school, has a part-time job, and will be joining the military come January. We met online, unexpectedly and randomly, while playing a mutually enjoyed video game. He is wonderful, sweet, caring and funny, and most of all, he loves me with all of his heart. He has his idiosyncrasies as do I, and sometimes they clash quite a bit. He could spend all day in front of the computer playing video games with his friends, and I am what you could call a control freak.

Two weeks ago he left after spending three months living with me, and spending every single day together. It was the best three months of my life. When he left, it felt like the world was ending, but slowly after the first week, I started to feel more positive and excited for our next visit this Christmas.

So, let me get to my question. And let me start off by saying that I KNOW how important it is to have separate time from your significant other. I try and make such an effort to keep myself occupied with my own things so that I don't become too dependent on him for attention. My job is great, but it requires that I spend all day talking and communicating with all different types of people all day. So by the time I get home during the week, or on the weekends, I want to hang out in my apartment and relax. I don't like to go out and I am definitely a homebody. What happens is that I want to spend all of my free time with him playing video games, FaceTimeing, watching a show together or cooking and having dinner.

And we do spend a lot of time together; he's so wonderful about including me in everything he can. On multiple occasions I've told him that it's not fair to him that I rely on him for so much of my social needs. He says he doesn't mind, and I believe him, but I'm scared that one day he will. I'm friends with all of his friends, and I enjoy playing video games with them, but I want more one on one time even after we've all played something together, whereas he wants to keep playing or he views that me playing with him and his friends is us spending time together. I also sometimes get irrationally upset if he tells me that he's going out and won't be available to talk to me. Basically, anytime he tells me he's going to do something that throws off our typical routine of talking and hanging out every day/night, I get this intense lonely sad reaction.

I know it's a problem and I know a good solution is for me to find my own things to do. But I honestly struggle SO much with this. I have wonderful work friends who help and support me during the week, so it's really mostly an issue on the weekends when he wants to go out and do more or stay up later and play with video games with his friends. I've joined an exercise class, I'm taking lessons to learn his language, and I go out to lunch with my friends. I'm doing so many things separate from him to try to keep myself busy, but at the end of some days I feel unsatisfied. I feel unsatisfied because I want to spend every moment I can with him. How do I try to reason with myself when I know what I'm doing or what I expect from him is not healthy nor practical, but that's what I really want? How do I combat my social anxiety and total lack of motivation to go out and do things? I want to give him the space he needs and deserves but when I try to do this I end up working myself up and getting very upset. Please don't just tell me things like "you need to spend more time with friends" or "you need to give him space" because I already know that, and that's exactly what I am struggling with. Help!

[hmrambling]

How do I try to reason with myself when I know what I'm doing or what I expect from him is not healthy nor practical, but that's what I really want? How do I combat my social anxiety and total lack of motivation to go out and do things?

Welcome to LFAD! I understand the desire to want to be in contact with your SO, to want to think about and do things with your SO, and to have to convince yourself that you need your own space. I've been there, and I spent a great deal of time myself working on these same issues.

For me, I remind myself that what most people think is love is not really healthy at all. Those people who tell me (and when my mind tells me) that I need to be in constant contact, that I want to constantly text or call, or constantly dote on my partner - those thoughts and actions are not healthy for me. For some people, that is their normal, but in actuality that is not healthy at all.

I made a conscious effort to set healthy boundaries with my partner and myself. I read books on boundary setting. I read Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. I like Pia Mellody's discussions on boundaries. I read daily meditations like the Language of Letting Go each morning when I wake up. I return to the basics of boundary setting by reading websites that give me step by step instructions on how do do so.

It took a lot of work to be autonomous and not be defined by my relationship. I can't look to my partner for everything, and I must be independent. I remind myself that continuing to do the work on my own codependency allows me to grow as a person. It allows the other person in the relationship to see me for who I am, and allows them to be themselves.

When I am behaving in my own codependency, it usually results in me trying to control others. When I am working on my codependency, it allows me to grow and allows others to see me for who I really am.

[TheGirlAlmighty]

Thank you so much for all these tangible resources - I think those are exactly what I needed. I've already opened each in a separate tab, and will start looking into them!

[Honour]

I'm pretty much like your SO. In fact, my SO is like it too. Though the difference is, I can't cook and he can

Seriousness asides, autonomy in an LDR isn't easy to achieve when you might find yourself identifying as being a homebody, or an introvert, or something similar. I'm pretty much all these things, I've been an only child all my life and due to a number of reasons, I've always been a loner of sorts. I've never really had any serious "real life" close distance relationships, the first and last I had was when I was 16, and because of the issues I had with my now-ex from then, I've found it difficult to want to date close distance ever since. Just wanted to comment I will probably take a look at those links myself. You aren't alone when it comes to what you're asking

[TheGirlAlmighty]

Yes! I'm an only child as well, and I too find it incredibly difficult to maintain serious "real life" close distance friendships, and past romantic relationships. Thank you for dropping in and reassuring me that I'm not alone. I know I'm not, but it's wonderful to have that reassurance

[Chris516]

I'm pretty much like your SO. In fact, my SO is like it too. Though the difference is, I can't cook and he can

Give yourself credit.

If you can use a microwave, you can cook. If you know how to make scrambled eggs, eggs sunny-side up, or an omelet, you can cook. If you know how to make spaghetti al dente style, you can cook. If you can make lasagna, you can cook.

The ability to cook shouldn't be measured by, whether you can make Steak Tartar, Chicken Cordon' Bleu, or Filet Mignon.

[Honour]

Give yourself credit.

If you can use a microwave, you can cook. If you know how to make scrambled eggs, eggs sunny-side up, or an omelet, you can cook. If you know how to make spaghetti al dente style, you can cook. If you can make lasagna, you can cook.

The ability to cook shouldn't be measured by, whether you can make Steak Tartar, Chicken Cordon' Bleu, or Filet Mignon.

...it was a joke Chris