Want advice/opinions about this situation

[zaily]

I met a man online over a year ago. We got along well and became friends and then started an online romance. At some points we started talking about being together for real and he said I could find a job in the cuty he lives in. We have never met in person and uprooting my life to go to live with him doesn't sound like a good idea. I tokd him so and he said that he understood and that we would meet before planning anything more serious.
He had a gf a while back and she got pregnant, now he goes every weekend to visit his kid to his ex girlfriend's house, they go grocery shopping together and go to restaurants, he solves her problems, if her car breaks she calls him and he takes care of it, if there are cockroaches in her house he goes and takes care of it, etc. Their interaction are like if they were still a couple. He says the woman only allows him to see the kid if she is there. This situation isn't healthy. He cannot understand that most women wouldn't want to be with a guy who spends his weekends with his ex girlfriend and that solves all of her problems.

Despite saying that he understood that I found it crazy to move in together without never have seen each other he insisted again telling me to move, a few days ago he said a few days ago that if I moved we could live together as friends and that way we wouldn't have "couples problems". He said too that ge could live with me as only friends, that he doesn't need sex. This sounded very crazy to me, I would like to hear other opinions.

[Redheart14]

I would not be uprooting your life for that. You deserve better

[sasad]

If he really wants to be more involved with his child, he could go to court. His ex cannot prevent contact or withhold contact unless court ordered. I do understand if h feels that is the only way to see his child, but that is manipulation. He needs to stop that.
Some people do get along. My ex does my brake work and oil changes because he can and it is cheaper. He wants me safe and my son in a safe car so I get that. But, again a but, you don't know what the real situation is etc. And do ask you to move without meeting send up a lot of red flags. Live together as friends?? No sex? No couple problems? WTH does that all mean?? Do you make a bit of money and can support him?
Don't do it. Don't do it if you are uncomfortable. Relationships take time to develop.

[zaily]

If he really wants to be more involved with his child, he could go to court. His ex cannot prevent contact or withhold contact unless court ordered. I do understand if h feels that is the only way to see his child, but that is manipulation. He needs to stop that.
Some people do get along. My ex does my brake work and oil changes because he can and it is cheaper. He wants me safe and my son in a safe car so I get that. But, again a but, you don't know what the real situation is etc. And do ask you to move without meeting send up a lot of red flags. Live together as friends?? No sex? No couple problems? WTH does that all mean?? Do you make a bit of money and can support him?
Don't do it. Don't do it if you are uncomfortable. Relationships take time to develop.

He doesn't know how to fix the car, if her car breaks he finds someone who fixes it, once she had cockroaches in her house and he went to fix the problem, most things are the kind of thing she could do by herself.
I am not rich, nor could/would support him. He deals with depression and anxiety and he says that "couple problems" make him feel really bad and it is not something he wants to deal with, that's why he wants that roommate's arrangement. When he told me that I thought that he wants his cake and eat it too.

[Chris516]

I met a man online over a year ago. We got along well and became friends and then started an online romance. At some points we started talking about being together for real and he said I could find a job in the cuty he lives in. We have never met in person and uprooting my life to go to live with him doesn't sound like a good idea. I tokd him so and he said that he understood and that we would meet before planning anything more serious.
He had a gf a while back and she got pregnant, now he goes every weekend to visit his kid to his ex girlfriend's house, they go grocery shopping together and go to restaurants, he solves her problems, if her car breaks she calls him and he takes care of it, if there are cockroaches in her house he goes and takes care of it, etc. Their interaction are like if they were still a couple. He says the woman only allows him to see the kid if she is there. This situation isn't healthy. He cannot understand that most women wouldn't want to be with a guy who spends his weekends with his ex girlfriend and that solves all of her problems.

Despite saying that he understood that I found it crazy to move in together without never have seen each other he insisted again telling me to move, a few days ago he said a few days ago that if I moved we could live together as friends and that way we wouldn't have "couples problems". He said too that ge could live with me as only friends, that he doesn't need sex. This sounded very crazy to me, I would like to hear other opinions.

RED FLAG!!!! I don't know what planet that guy is from but he is definitely still behaving like they are a couple. Sure it is great that he wants to see his kid. But she can ask others to fix her car or anything else. It may seem cheaper for her. But I see a FWB(Friends With Benefits) situation potentially developing. Then they become 'official' again.

He doesn't know how to fix the car, if her car breaks he finds someone who fixes it, once she had cockroaches in her house and he went to fix the problem, most things are the kind of thing she could do by herself.
I am not rich, nor could/would support him. He deals with depression and anxiety and he says that "couple problems" make him feel really bad and it is not something he wants to deal with, that's why he wants that roommate's arrangement. When he told me that I thought that he wants his cake and eat it too.

When my (ex)wife n' I were still married, but separated. She had her own apartment locally. I went over there a couple times. It was an absolute mess. I fixed her Internet connection, but that was it. The dishes had roaches crawling on them. It was a dump. The roach problem was her fault for not keeping it clean. I did the cleaning when we were married n' still living together.

As for thinking he wants his cake and eat it too. I definitely agree.

[sasad]

He doesn't know how to fix the car, if her car breaks he finds someone who fixes it, once she had cockroaches in her house and he went to fix the problem, most things are the kind of thing she could do by herself.
I am not rich, nor could/would support him. He deals with depression and anxiety and he says that "couple problems" make him feel really bad and it is not something he wants to deal with, that's why he wants that roommate's arrangement. When he told me that I thought that he wants his cake and eat it too.

That is what it sounds like for sure. Take it slow and always trust your gut.

But again, unless you have children of your own, it's hard for you to see or understand. If he wanted to be back in with her, he already would be.
Couples that are separated don't always have hate and vengeance in their hearts. Some really do get along better apart. I have gone out with my ex camping for my son. We stayed at the same campsite, different tents, but it was ok and a great memory for my child. Does he think we are getting back together? Absolutely not.
I am not saying your situation is like that, but at some point you need to trust what each other says or does, or you won't have a true relationship.

[R&R]

That is what it sounds like for sure. Take it slow and always trust your gut.

But again, unless you have children of your own, it's hard for you to see or understand. If he wanted to be back in with her, he already would be.
Couples that are separated don't always have hate and vengeance in their hearts. Some really do get along better apart. I have gone out with my ex camping for my son. We stayed at the same campsite, different tents, but it was ok and a great memory for my child. Does he think we are getting back together? Absolutely not.
I am not saying your situation is like that, but at some point you need to trust what each other says or does, or you won't have a true relationship.

I completely agree with this. My daughters father and I divorced when they were 4&5. When I got my apartment, he came over and helped me move in and set up. He wanted to see where his girls were going to be and that they were happy. Though I never called him for things (I had other friends who were willing to help me out), we did still do things together with the kids. We probably would have kept that up except his now wife is a jealous & insecure woman and can't stand for me to be involved in anything and hates the fact that someone else had his children. Her attitude and control disrupted what could have been an even better functioning co-parenting situation. I never wanted him back but she couldn't, and still can't, see that after 16 years.


However, the part about him wanting you to move to just be friends so you wouldn't have "couple problems" is unrealistic. One, moving to live with someone you have never met is not a good idea and I'm glad you put your foot down on that. Living in the same place doesn't mean you won't have problems. If you decide to pursue this relationship, I would definitely plan on multiple visits before making any sort of decision. However, I have the feeling that it may only take one for you to really make a final decision.

[zaily]

I completely agree with this. My daughters father and I divorced when they were 4&5. When I got my apartment, he came over and helped me move in and set up. He wanted to see where his girls were going to be and that they were happy. Though I never called him for things (I had other friends who were willing to help me out), we did still do things together with the kids. We probably would have kept that up except his now wife is a jealous & insecure woman and can't stand for me to be involved in anything and hates the fact that someone else had his children. Her attitude and control disrupted what could have been an even better functioning co-parenting situation. I never wanted him back but she couldn't, and still can't, see that after 16 years.


However, the part about him wanting you to move to just be friends so you wouldn't have "couple problems" is unrealistic. One, moving to live with someone you have never met is not a good idea and I'm glad you put your foot down on that. Living in the same place doesn't mean you won't have problems. If you decide to pursue this relationship, I would definitely plan on multiple visits before making any sort of decision. However, I have the feeling that it may only take one for you to really make a final decision.

I agree that it is the best for the kids if couples get along well and I understand that it is good if separated couples do things together with the kids at times. What doesn't seem healthy in the situation I described is that they are ALWAYS together, he cannot see the kid unless the woman is there, so he spends all of his weekends with her. It sounds like too much to be healthy. If it was at times I wouldn't see a problem, but this is a permanent situation. A few months ago his ex girlfriend was robbed, she lost her bag and there she had her ids and cards, he went to help her (understandable) and she ended up spending the night in his room with their kid. He said nothing happened, but again, there are no boundaries if she even spends the night in his room. He could have left the room for her and the kid to spend the night or some other arrangement that didn't involve sleeping with her. Do you consider I am overreacting about this?

[R&R]

I agree that it is the best for the kids if couples get along well and I understand that it is good if separated couples do things together with the kids at times. What doesn't seem healthy in the situation I described is that they are ALWAYS together, he cannot see the kid unless the woman is there, so he spends all of his weekends with her. It sounds like too much to be healthy. If it was at times I wouldn't see a problem, but this is a permanent situation. A few months ago his ex-girlfriend was robbed, she lost her bag and there she had her ids and cards, he went to help her (understandable) and she ended up spending the night in his room with their kid. He said nothing happened, but again, there are no boundaries if she even spends the night in his room. He could have left the room for her and the kid to spend the night or some other arrangement that didn't involve sleeping with her. Do you consider I am overreacting about this?

Sometimes you do have to set boundaries. If I was in this situation, I would tell him that it's time to go to court and get a visitation schedule in place. This way he has set times that he has the child. She just can't keep the child from him. He also has to learn the ability to say no. If he is concerned about her not having a car or that the child is in an unsafe place, then he needs to take that up with the court. This is the best situation for him and his child. Once that is taken care of, the two of you would be able to have a much better relationship. If he can't do that, then you have to decide if this is a relationship you want to stay in.

[Chris516]

When my (ex)wife moved into her own apartment during the separation. I didn't help her at all. Because I was setting a boundary of not being that involved in her life.

I did mention previously that I helped her with her Internet connection. But that wasn't something of a personal nature. That is why I never criticized her about the obvious roaches. I didn't want any personal involvement with her. Her father, step-mother, and mother. All lived near here. They obviously didn't take an interest in their daughter.

[R&R]

When my (ex)wife moved into her own apartment during the separation. I didn't help her at all. Because I was setting a boundary of not being that involved in her life.

I did mention previously that I helped her with her Internet connection. But that wasn't something of a personal nature. That is why I never criticized her about the obvious roaches. I didn't want any personal involvement with her. Her father, step-mother, and mother. All lived near here. They obviously didn't take an interest in their daughter.

If it's just an ex - well that's easy enough to break from. When you have kids, that changes the dynamic considerably. A person will tend to do more if their child is involved over just an ex. You have a responsibility to that child. Unfortunately, some people use that as a guilt factor into getting the other parent to help when they can easily have someone else help.

[zaily]

When my (ex)wife moved into her own apartment during the separation. I didn't help her at all. Because I was setting a boundary of not being that involved in her life.

I did mention previously that I helped her with her Internet connection. But that wasn't something of a personal nature. That is why I never criticized her about the obvious roaches. I didn't want any personal involvement with her. Her father, step-mother, and mother. All lived near here. They obviously didn't take an interest in their daughter.

In this case his ex's family lives in a different state, she has friends, but still always wants help only from him. This is a situation that probably won't change, it seems to work for them, if it didn't he would have already done something about it. This makes me think that the person that doesn't have to be in that picture is me. The negatives are a lot more than the positives I could obtain from pursuing that relationship.

[sasad]

In this case his ex's family lives in a different state, she has friends, but still always wants help only from him. This is a situation that probably won't change, it seems to work for them, if it didn't he would have already done something about it. This makes me think that the person that doesn't have to be in that picture is me. The negatives are a lot more than the positives I could obtain from pursuing that relationship.

That you have so much doubt... I would let it go before you get hurt more.

[edduhmaster]

He is not worth of you...You deserve much better. Plus he still has feelings for his ex.

[zaily]

He is not worth of you...You deserve much better. Plus he still has feelings for his ex.

Thanks for your words. . I have told him this very same thing you are saying, that he has feelings for his ex, but every time I say something like that or related he gets furious which makes me think more that there is probably some true in it since he gets so defensive.