How to deal with passive-aggressive behaviour?

[blue29]

Hello everyone,

Whilst every relationship has its ups and downs, there's one particular one I'm struggling to work through - his passive/aggressive behaviour. I actually didn't even realise he was doing it until I blurted out my frustration to a friend about an argument I had had with him and she pointed it out. When he and I have an argument, he stays in this sort of denial zone of anything having gone wrong and when I try to talk to him, he suddenly bursts out in anger and throws stuff at me he's annoyed about from the past that I had no idea about. At the time he tells me everything is okay.

e.g. we were messaging each other and I told him I was worried about my mother and her health. He messaged 'everything will be okay, one second I've got to reply to a text' and he went. I asked him afterwards if everything was okay, I assumed it must have been an emergency for him to cut off like that. But it wasn't, it was just someone telling him they were on their way and he was going to reply back 'okay see you soon'. I got upset and told him - I'm telling him about something I'm worried about and he cuts me off to send a text that was not urgent - he couldn't have waited 5 minutes? He then said sorry, we talked a little, I felt better that he acknowledged how I felt. However, a few days later we ended up having an argument about something completely different, he was being passive and unhelpful in his replies, and then he lost his temper, started yelling and then brought up the other day 'jeez you give me such a hard time about EVERYTHING, I can't put a foot wrong, I have PTSD from this relationship. What was so wrong with sending that text when I did? It just got it out the way then I was back again, what's your problem?'

A major issue we have is that he blames all our bad times on me being on or due on my period. He starts to withdraw emotionally. I get upset that he just starts to shut down and stays like that for around 2 weeks or so. Of course I'm sometimes a little more emotional, but the same things upset me when I'm not on. I don't get upset for no reason, I'm not particularly needy. I just want to do the same things we usually do when we spend time together online. He agrees when I talk to him about it but it feels like he's just saying it and not believing it - when it comes round to the next month, he starts to withdraw again. It's like a cycle - he thinks I'm due on and sensitive and starts to withdraw. In my opinion, I'm absolutely fine until I feel he starts to withdraw and then I've lost him again for 2 weeks. No comfort, no understanding, no wanting to spend time together. He wants to get off the phone as quick as possible and I feel really hurt by it, and get incredibly frustrated. I just want to have a nice evening together and have a movie or video game date or chat on the phone. He almost turns into a robot.

If it seems like anything is going wrong, he stays quiet and ignores it. If we've had an argument, I'm always the first to pick the phone back up and try and get in touch with him to resolve it. In his opinion, we've had a fight, whatever, he can get some errands done instead during that time we're not talking properly.

Other examples of his passive-aggressive replies -

• If I suggest something for our relationship, he generally responds 'okay if you think it will help'
• If I have an idea for the evening 'hey shall we play that video game?' he'll agree. We'll play, have a great time and then because of the time difference (I'm ahead) I'll get really exhausted but try to stay up a little longer so we have more time. Then he'll say 'it was your idea to play the video game, why didn't you just go to bed early? I could have done X, Y and Z anyway'
• If I say 'you said this the other day and it upset me because of this. Could we talk about it?' his responses are generally 'sorry, it sucks when someone says something like that, it's like when you said this thing months ago and you keep doing it, it hurts'
• If we have a time set for an online date and he runs late, I'll say 'hey where are you, is everything okay? it's half an hour after we said we'd watch this movie together' he'll generally reply with 'well I got stuck at work/had to run to the store/got stuck in traffic. Stuff happens, I'll let you know when I'm back'. I've said before, just let me know you're running late, its okay if you are, of course stuff happens. But he takes it as 'why are you late' rather than 'could you just text me and let me know you're late?'

Does anybody else have experience of dealing with this sort of behaviour? How do you handle it?

Thanks for reading

[R&R]

Relationships take two parties working together. People aren't always going to agree on everything or how they approach/respond to situations. You may feel your approach is right and he may feel his approach is also right. If you can compromise, then things will work. Sometimes we have to realize there are certain situations that just aren't going to change and then it's our decision if we want to stay in the relationship.

I have been in a CD relationship where I was with someone who would just be agreeable but then would never really change anything. He would wonder why I would get frustrated when the same things would keep happening. "Well, I can't remember" was his excuse. I gave him suggestions and ways to remember and really tried to work together on it. In the end, he proved to me the relationship and I just weren't worth the effort to him. He could remember everything for his friends but nothing for me. End result - I divorced him. Best thing I ever did.

[blue29]

You're right, it's that compromise I'm struggling to get. I feel like I'm repeating myself constantly and it's driving me mad. It is incredibly frustrating and that's exactly what it's beginning to feel like - that me and the relationship aren't worth the effort although I know that's not true because he shows that effort in so many other aspects. I think I'll suggest a few days away from our phones/each other to get ourselves balanced and I can have a think about exactly what it is I want and how to talk to him about it.

[zaily]

You are giving him way more attention than he deserves. If he doesn't make any effort why don't you mirror him? If you stop trying to plan things to spend time together and keep the relationship alive, if he cares, then he will make an effort and if he doesn't, the relationship will die and if that is the case then it will be the best for you because that guy really wasn't worth the effort.

[Chris516]

Hello everyone,

Whilst every relationship has its ups and downs, there's one particular one I'm struggling to work through - his passive/aggressive behaviour. I actually didn't even realise he was doing it until I blurted out my frustration to a friend about an argument I had had with him and she pointed it out. When he and I have an argument, he stays in this sort of denial zone of anything having gone wrong and when I try to talk to him, he suddenly bursts out in anger and throws stuff at me he's annoyed about from the past that I had no idea about. At the time he tells me everything is okay.

e.g. we were messaging each other and I told him I was worried about my mother and her health. He messaged 'everything will be okay, one second I've got to reply to a text' and he went. I asked him afterwards if everything was okay, I assumed it must have been an emergency for him to cut off like that. But it wasn't, it was just someone telling him they were on their way and he was going to reply back 'okay see you soon'. I got upset and told him - I'm telling him about something I'm worried about and he cuts me off to send a text that was not urgent - he couldn't have waited 5 minutes? He then said sorry, we talked a little, I felt better that he acknowledged how I felt. However, a few days later we ended up having an argument about something completely different, he was being passive and unhelpful in his replies, and then he lost his temper, started yelling and then brought up the other day 'jeez you give me such a hard time about EVERYTHING, I can't put a foot wrong, I have PTSD from this relationship. What was so wrong with sending that text when I did? It just got it out the way then I was back again, what's your problem?'

A major issue we have is that he blames all our bad times on me being on or due on my period. He starts to withdraw emotionally. I get upset that he just starts to shut down and stays like that for around 2 weeks or so. Of course I'm sometimes a little more emotional, but the same things upset me when I'm not on. I don't get upset for no reason, I'm not particularly needy. I just want to do the same things we usually do when we spend time together online. He agrees when I talk to him about it but it feels like he's just saying it and not believing it - when it comes round to the next month, he starts to withdraw again. It's like a cycle - he thinks I'm due on and sensitive and starts to withdraw. In my opinion, I'm absolutely fine until I feel he starts to withdraw and then I've lost him again for 2 weeks. No comfort, no understanding, no wanting to spend time together. He wants to get off the phone as quick as possible and I feel really hurt by it, and get incredibly frustrated. I just want to have a nice evening together and have a movie or video game date or chat on the phone. He almost turns into a robot.

If it seems like anything is going wrong, he stays quiet and ignores it. If we've had an argument, I'm always the first to pick the phone back up and try and get in touch with him to resolve it. In his opinion, we've had a fight, whatever, he can get some errands done instead during that time we're not talking properly.

Other examples of his passive-aggressive replies -

• If I suggest something for our relationship, he generally responds 'okay if you think it will help'
• If I have an idea for the evening 'hey shall we play that video game?' he'll agree. We'll play, have a great time and then because of the time difference (I'm ahead) I'll get really exhausted but try to stay up a little longer so we have more time. Then he'll say 'it was your idea to play the video game, why didn't you just go to bed early? I could have done X, Y and Z anyway'
• If I say 'you said this the other day and it upset me because of this. Could we talk about it?' his responses are generally 'sorry, it sucks when someone says something like that, it's like when you said this thing months ago and you keep doing it, it hurts'
• If we have a time set for an online date and he runs late, I'll say 'hey where are you, is everything okay? it's half an hour after we said we'd watch this movie together' he'll generally reply with 'well I got stuck at work/had to run to the store/got stuck in traffic. Stuff happens, I'll let you know when I'm back'. I've said before, just let me know you're running late, its okay if you are, of course stuff happens. But he takes it as 'why are you late' rather than 'could you just text me and let me know you're late?'

Does anybody else have experience of dealing with this sort of behaviour? How do you handle it?

Thanks for reading

DROP HIM LIKE A HOT ROCK!!!!!

For him to blame you for being woman on account of your reproductive biology, is beyond reproach!!!!

SHOW HIM THE DOOR!!!!!!

[snow]

You are giving him way more attention than he deserves. If he doesn't make any effort why don't you mirror him? If you stop trying to plan things to spend time together and keep the relationship alive, if he cares, then he will make an effort and if he doesn't, the relationship will die and if that is the case then it will be the best for you because that guy really wasn't worth the effort.

I definitely don't recommend playing games. If you're unhappy, you talk about things, you don't make the other person suffer.

[hmrambling]

Yes, I've dealt with passive aggressive behavior. Check out Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

I particularly like this section: Formula for emotionally honest communication

While I have recommended a link that gives suggestions of how I can better communicate my boundaries, I am concerned about you collecting examples and pointing out his faults. In a relationship, I look at the role that I plan in any given situation and how I contributed to it.

After looking at past relationships and seeing that my partners weren't always the ones at fault, I looked at how I chose those unhealthy people in the first place. When I choose people who cannot communicate (or choose not to communicate), then I have a role in their behavior.

What I allow, I condone. What I condone will continue.