How do I communicate this to my partner?

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Idk if its a gut feeling or just being burned in the past, I'm afraid of being the only one really invested in the relationship. In past relationships (including friendships), I always seem to be the one who takes the lead and ends up being used. I love putting work especially for someone who is worth it, but I don't want to be used. I already told him, I don't want to be in a one sided relationship and he understands. How can I talk to him w/out accusing or nagging?

[Chris516]

Idk if it's a gut feeling or just being burned in the past, I'm afraid of being the only one really invested in the relationship. In past relationships (including friendships), I always seem to be the one who takes the lead and ends up being used. I love putting work especially for someone who is worth it, but I don't want to be used. I already told him, I don't want to be in a one sided relationship and he understands. How can I talk to him w/out accusing or nagging?

That is an understandable and nagging question.

In a previous LDR, I didn't feel used. But the relationship did feel one-sided. Because, She showered me with food n' gifts', that I could not financially equal.

When I did send her gifts regardless of what particular day it was. She would hold on to them, saying she wanted to open them in front me. I thought that was sweet. Until I began to see a pattern. She was hoarding the gifts, except for the flowers. The flowers she took actual pictures of and sent them to me.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

That is an understandable and nagging question.

In a previous LDR, I didn't feel used. But the relationship did feel one-sided. Because, She showered me with food n' gifts', that I could not financially equal.

When I did send her gifts regardless of what particular day it was. She would hold on to them, saying she wanted to open them in front me. I thought that was sweet. Until I began to see a pattern. She was hoarding the gifts, except for the flowers. The flowers she took actual pictures of and sent them to me.

Its not in $ sense, my ex would take me out and pay for me, I would pay for him as well. When it came down to taking care of me and going out of his way, that just didn't happen. One day when he was sick, I came over to make him soup, he didn't appreciate it and ignored me while playing a game on the computer. Am I just in denial because I want the guy so bad? I don't know him super well, but I would love if he initiated Skype calls once in awhile.

[snow]

People are not mind-readers, you have to let them know what you expect of them.
In the beginning of our relationship, I was always hoping my husband would take as much care of me when I'm sick as I do when he is sick, but he is just not that type of person to sit next to you and rub your back. So finally I told him that when I am sick, I need him to make me tea and occasionally ask me if I need something / ask me if I need something before he leaves the room. Ever since I made clear what I want, he does it, because now he knows.

The point is, let him know that it'd be nice if he initiated Skype calls every once in a while, but also understand that people communicate in different ways and he might just not be the type of person to initiate conversation.

[Chris516]

Its not in $ sense, my ex would take me out and pay for me, I would pay for him as well. When it came down to taking care of me and going out of his way, that just didn't happen. One day when he was sick, I came over to make him soup, he didn't appreciate it and ignored me while playing a game on the computer. Am I just in denial because I want the guy so bad? I don't know him super well, but I would love if he initiated Skype calls once in awhile.

Good that it isn't money spent, at least.

Him not taking care of you......that was my (ex)wife in spades. She knew the health problems I had(and still have). When they became serious, she turned a blind eye to them, and just wanted them to "go away". Then when she had major surgery. She n' parents' treated me like I was incapable of taking care of her. I have wondered for years if I was in denial, and should have filed for divorce then.

[hmrambling]

In all of your posts, you compare your current SO to your past relationships.

Guess what, it's not your current SO's fault that your friends and exes were assholes. It's not. It simply is not. It's not fair to your current SO that you constantly compare all of your exes shortcomings to your current SO. I'm curious if you do this in person, or in text, or in messages to your current SO. It would piss me off if I were constantly compared to an ex. In fact, I had a partner who did. She continued to do so until I finally realized that I was dealing with someone who was not present.

She was not present AND she would forever play the victim for everything that happened to her in the past. Is that what's going on here? Are you constantly reliving the past? Will you forever be a victim of everything that has happened to you in the past, and carry that over to existing relationships?

If that is the case, I encourage you to seek professional help.

My outlook is this: I learned from what happened in the past and have moved on and am current and present in today.

Also my outlook is this: both my partner and I are equally invested in the relationship that we are in. Our actions demonstrate that we are equally invested.

OP, your posts are all very similar, and you do seem to be a nag about this particular topic. I've said before that I text in the morning greeting my partner, and that we talk on the phone at night. Boom, done. There is not enough time in the world to text all damned day.

If you have a partner who is not invested in the relationship, leave. You cannot force anyone to text you all day. I personally would not stick around for that.

[R&R]

hmrambling's post is spot on. I also have to wonder about it when you say you invest so much and you feel like you don't get as much in return. Since it appears, per your words, that this happens in all your relationships (friends and romantic), have you considered maybe you give too much and that your expectations are unrealistic?

Relationships ebb and flow. There are times one party gives more and one party takes more and later it switches. Never is a relationship of any kind going to always be on an even keel. Also, just because someone isn't acting exactly as we want them to doesn't mean they aren't putting in their best effort. We get into a relationship with someone as they are - not to change them into something we want them to be.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

hmrambling's post is spot on. I also have to wonder about it when you say you invest so much and you feel like you don't get as much in return. Since it appears, per your words, that this happens in all your relationships (friends and romantic), have you considered maybe you give too much and that your expectations are unrealistic?

Relationships ebb and flow. There are times one party gives more and one party takes more and later it switches. Never is a relationship of any kind going to always be on an even keel. Also, just because someone isn't acting exactly as we want them to doesn't mean they aren't putting in their best effort. We get into a relationship with someone as they are - not to change them into something we want them to be.

I have considered that I give too much and I am trying to stop doing that. I don't mind giving more once in awhile, but I also expect people to keep promises: set vid chats, dates etc. A relationship is not 50/50, I've learned that, but it cannot always be 70/30 all the time on one end. I will bring this up w/him because its making me anxious and I know eventually it will lead to me always pursuing. Have you had experience where you felt the keel was super uneven? If you have, how have you gone about talking to your partner about it?

[R&R]

I think when you start keeping score, that's when the problems begin. We don't keep track of who texts or calls first. One of us doesn't sit there and think "well, I called first last time, so I'm waiting for him/her to call me first". That's now how our relationship works. When one of us wants to call or text, we do. We are both very busy, so maybe because it's not something we are dwelling on it's not such a big deal.

A lot over the last 3 years, I have been able to put in more. I've done most of the traveling to him. I've helped him financially when he was in a crunch. I've been his main means of emotional support while he has dealt with a lot of things over the last year and a half especially. However, he and our relationship are worth that effort. When we move to his home state next year, he knows I am going to need tons of support and he will be there for me. It will be his turn to help me through what is going to be a drastic change for me.

We have trust in each other and in our relationship. We know we will always be there for the other one. We don't have anything to prove to each other. We realize that we have differences and instead of trying to change those - we accept each others differences. We look at our big picture and choose our "battles" accordingly.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

I think when you start keeping score, that's when the problems begin. We don't keep track of who texts or calls first. One of us doesn't sit there and think "well, I called first last time, so I'm waiting for him/her to call me first". That's now how our relationship works. When one of us wants to call or text, we do. We are both very busy, so maybe because it's not something we are dwelling on it's not such a big deal.

A lot over the last 3 years, I have been able to put in more. I've done most of the traveling to him. I've helped him financially when he was in a crunch. I've been his main means of emotional support while he has dealt with a lot of things over the last year and a half especially. However, he and our relationship are worth that effort. When we move to his home state next year, he knows I am going to need tons of support and he will be there for me. It will be his turn to help me through what is going to be a drastic change for me.

We have trust in each other and in our relationship. We know we will always be there for the other one. We don't have anything to prove to each other. We realize that we have differences and instead of trying to change those - we accept each others differences. We look at our big picture and choose our "battles" accordingly.

I'm gonna try not keep score, that is difficult for me. I have only been dating him a couple months and we have not had the chance to develop trust and I guess I haven't figured out what his character is like. Since I have always been the giver in a relationships, I am very cautious about going all out, I have everything to lose, I know he does too, but if he isn't as invested, it will be a lot easier for him to walk away. I want to make sure the guy is worth that effort, if he is I will give my all to him. I do keep myself occupied (job, friends etc), just that it kinda bugs me that he isn't super busy, not studying and can post on social media, but ignore my one text that day for 1/2 a day.

[zaily]

You seem very fixated with this and that is not good for you and won't be good for the relationship. You have been dating him only two months and you already are so worried and tense. You need to find a way to just let things flow and see how it goes, it is too soon to be as invested as you seem. Having more interest and hobbies might help you. If you felt satisfied being by yourself and your life was full you wouldn't be obssesing about how many texts your bf sends.
It seems too soon to be as invested abd worried as you seem to be about this relationship. Only give things that you know you wouldn't regret giving no matter what happens to the relationship, only to the point where it feels comfortable for you. There are no guarantees.