S.O.S You're my last chance (LDR problems and family problems)

[Littlewhiteflower]

Hey,

I'm new on this site although I've read a lot of texts here in the past. I'm in a long distance relationship with a man I first started knowing on Internet. I'm from Quebec and he is from Australia although he lives in another Canadian province (2800kms between us). We have never met yet. I'm 21 and he is 26. He is planning to come here for Christmas during 10 days.
We talk since more than 10 months everyday. We skyped once and we called each other regularly in the past with messenger.

I'm someone who is really anxious in my life and I don't trust easily. I met this guy after a depression that I'm still more or less fighting and after a hard period where I've been used by a man. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. At first it was a friend, a penpal as we call but quickly, we started getting along and I planned to go see him. It didn't go as planned because my parents didnt want me to travel (they didn't know about him yet). So, we never met finally. It started to go badly between us after that. We weren't officially together so he dated another girl (during a very short period). He realized he had feelings for me. So after that, we decided to give it a try.

At first he was really loving, telling me beautiful things. I guess that's how it has to be at the beginning but now I'm feeling like he is pulling away.
I started doubting about him a bit because he was becoming distant. He was always online on Facebook and he was adding random girls on it. He was talking to me less. He stopped telling me I was beautiful. He stopped texting me in the morning. We fought a lot because I thought he had met someone new but he told me I was the love of his life and that he was committed and exclusive.
We started using snapchat too. At first he did it a lot. Then, it stopped. I was doing it but he didn't answer or send something back even though I asked him multiple times to do it a bit more because I appreciated it. However, he was sending other things to other people. We fought because of that as well and he told me he was just doing it with his best friends and a couple of colleagues.

The thing is, I've just talked about him to my parents because he is coming now. They totally disagree about him. They fear he could be dangerous and so on. He could rape me and kill me. Well..that's the war at home. They want me to break up. I don't know what to do with that. My father is threatening him and I and it is very hard to deal with this situation. I'm still not very strong emotionally. I am very tired right now and I don't have the strength to fight them while I try to make my relationships survive.
I don't know what I could do to convince them that he is not dangerous (I know I don't know him totally but I feel like I can trust him on that). So I would like to have help about it. My parents are over protective and I don't know how to deal with that.

I don't know how to deal with my jealousy and my insecurity toward my boyfriend either. I've been really needy lately and he has stopped answering to me quickly. He avoid calling me and when we do it, he tries to hang up the phone really quickly. Our calls used to last 1 hour and now, they barely last 10 minutes.
I fear there might me someone else but I can't talk of it with him because we already discussed it and every time I try, he ignores me or starts being insulted. He says these worries are all in my head and that I must fix it, that he does not like it and that it is a turn off. He is my first real official boyfriend and he is older. I don't know what to do or how to act. I would need some advices. Is he pulling away? Do I need to let him space?
I know you will all tell me I have serious trust issues and I know that. I'm just trying to work on myself right now and this website is barely the only last option I found after consulting a psy and trying to solve things.
So if someone here would have the kindness to help me, that would be very appreciated...
Thanks you,

Little white flower

[BespectacledNerd]

While I agree that for your own personal reasons you should work through your jealousy and insecurity (don't worry, we all have those bits in us too), you can't take the blame for this. From your words alone, he honestly.. doesn't seem mature or ready for a relationship. I feel that if you're struggling with insecurities or worries, that you should be able to speak to your partner about this, without fear of anger or frustration. I also find it very.. odd, that he's avoided calls or ignores you -- it's not healthy, especially for you, because then you start picking at what you think you've done wrong (which is nothing!).

I try not to relate everything to my past relationship, but.. in this instance, I feel like those warning signs that I had witnessed are ones that you're currently experiencing.

You need to worry about YOUR health and well-being. If it suddenly feels wrong or foreign between you, then it probably is. I know it's probably not something you want to hear but.. maybe try and focus on you. Work on you. If he cares for you, he'll make the effort, especially knowing about your anxieties. If he doesn't... then, well.. as hard as it might be, you know the answer.

[Littlewhiteflower]

Thank you so much..

It makes me particularly anxious to know he is coming here in less than two months and that he is distant.
I thought he was ignoring me more because I was acting too needy (he does not answer, so I tend to text him more often in order to get a reply and that makes me feel cheap to be honest).
He asked me if I wanted to have his facebook password and so on, but I do not want to go there..It would be just very unhealthy for myself and for his own privacy, although I doubt a lot.
I deleted my facebook and my snapchat account to avoid some more arguments. I do not know if it is the good thing I had to do, but I guess it could help..

[Chris516]

Hey,

I'm new on this site although I've read a lot of texts here in the past. I'm in a long distance relationship with a man I first started knowing on Internet. I'm from Quebec and he is from Australia although he lives in another Canadian province (2800kms between us). We have never met yet. I'm 21 and he is 26. He is planning to come here for Christmas during 10 days.
We talk since more than 10 months everyday. We Skyped once and we called each other regularly in the past with messenger.

Welcome. I am glad he is willing to do that.

I'm someone who is really anxious in my life and I don't trust easily. I met this guy after a depression that I'm still more or less fighting and after a hard period where I've been used by a man. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. At first it was a friend, a pen-pal as we call but quickly, we started getting along and I planned to go see him. It didn't go as planned because my parents didn't want me to travel (they didn't know about him yet). So, we never met finally. It started to go badly between us after that. We weren't officially together so he dated another girl (during a very short period). He realized he had feelings for me. So after that, we decided to give it a try.

Does he give you 100% acceptance about your depression? That is not meant to imply anything. I am just going from experience. Where no woman, before the present has been able to give me 100% acceptance for (physical)health issues. I can sort of see your parents' reluctance about you traveling to see him. I am glad you gave it a try.

At first he was really loving, telling me beautiful things. I guess that's how it has to be at the beginning but now I'm feeling like he is pulling away.
I started doubting about him a bit because he was becoming distant. He was always online on Facebook and he was adding random girls on it. He was talking to me less. He stopped telling me I was beautiful. He stopped texting me in the morning. We fought a lot because I thought he had met someone new but he told me I was the love of his life and that he was committed and exclusive.
We started using snapchat too. At first he did it a lot. Then, it stopped. I was doing it but he didn't answer or send something back even though I asked him multiple times to do it a bit more because I appreciated it. However, he was sending other things to other people. We fought because of that as well and he told me he was just doing it with his best friends and a couple of colleagues.

An LDR situation can sometimes play mind tricks on our own mind. I know it has done that to me. Where we may have genuine concerns at first. But sometimes we overthink something. You definitely don't sound like you are over-thinking.

The thing is, I've just talked about him to my parents because he is coming now. They totally disagree about him. They fear he could be dangerous and so on. He could rape me and kill me. Well..that's the war at home. They want me to break up. I don't know what to do with that. My father is threatening him and I and it is very hard to deal with this situation. I'm still not very strong emotionally. I am very tired right now and I don't have the strength to fight them while I try to make my relationships survive.
I don't know what I could do to convince them that he is not dangerous (I know I don't know him totally but I feel like I can trust him on that). So I would like to have help about it. My parents are over protective and I don't know how to deal with that.

Your parents' are being unreasonable. When they have the perfect opportunity to meet him, face to face. How is your father threatening him?

I don't know how to deal with my jealousy and my insecurity toward my boyfriend either. I've been really needy lately and he has stopped answering to me quickly. He avoid calling me and when we do it, he tries to hang up the phone really quickly. Our calls used to last 1 hour and now, they barely last 10 minutes.
I fear there might me someone else but I can't talk of it with him because we already discussed it and every time I try, he ignores me or starts being insulted. He says these worries are all in my head and that I must fix it, that he does not like it and that it is a turn off. He is my first real official boyfriend and he is older. I don't know what to do or how to act. I would need some advice. Is he pulling away? Do I need to let him space?
I know you will all tell me I have serious trust issues and I know that. I'm just trying to work on myself right now and this website is barely the only last option I found after consulting a psy and trying to solve things.
So if someone here would have the kindness to help me, that would be very appreciated...
Thanks you,

Little white flower

Are your parents' jealous of him? Try writing down your worries. Then coming up solutions the worries. But don't talk to him about it. Just keep it for yourself, so you can reflect on it. If you ask the same questions repeatedly that center around trust. He will pull away. Give him some space, and try to worry less.

[Littlewhiteflower]

Thanks for your reply.

Does he give you 100% acceptance about your depression?

I never clearly told him I was in depression. I guess he figured out himself. Sometimes, he feels like it is too much for him. At first, it was worse. He thought I was too negative and pessimistic. It is better now because I'm less down, but I still have low periods and he does not really care anymore. At first, it worried him, but now I guess he prefers to ignore it when I'm less happy. So, it doesn't stress him. That's the conclusion I had.

You definitely don't sound like you are over-thinking.

I think I have a tendency to over-think (or I wouldn't be in depression) BUT he is obviously more distant right now and that's difficult. Even when we call, he seems absent. Like he makes me repeat all the time the same thing because he doesn't listen (maybe that's typical of men haha). I told him that and he reacted badly, telling me I didn't need more attention. Well..I learned to shut up

Your parents' are being unreasonable. When they have the perfect opportunity to meet him, face to face. How is your father threatening him?

My parents calmed down a bit but yeah..my father was over reacting..they don't accept it yet, but I guess with time, it could go better.

Are your parents' jealous of him?

I think they just fear he could separate me from them. Is it possible? Like I never really had a boyfriend before. So,they don't want to lose their baby.

[Chris516]

Thanks for your reply.

My pleasure.

I never clearly told him I was in depression. I guess he figured out himself. Sometimes, he feels like it is too much for him. At first, it was worse. He thought I was too negative and pessimistic. It is better now because I'm less down, but I still have low periods and he does not really care anymore. At first, it worried him, but now I guess he prefers to ignore it when I'm less happy. So, it doesn't stress him. That's the conclusion I had.

He needs to read up on depression. Not ignore it when it suits him.

I think I have a tendency to over-think (or I wouldn't be in depression) BUT he is obviously more distant right now and that's difficult. Even when we call, he seems absent. Like he makes me repeat all the time the same thing because he doesn't listen (maybe that's typical of men haha). I told him that and he reacted badly, telling me I didn't need more attention. Well..I learned to shut up

Hmmm....

My parents calmed down a bit but yeah..my father was over reacting..they don't accept it yet, but I guess with time, it could go better.

I sure hope so.

I think they just fear he could separate me from them. Is it possible? Like I never really had a boyfriend before. So,they don't want to lose their baby.

He is a cotton-pickin' adult. He has the right to do what he wants'.

[Littlewhiteflower]

My pleasure.

He needs to read up on depression. Not ignore it when it suits him.

Yes, I know..I do not think he will do it however.
We fought yesterday night again. I asked him what was going on (maybe that was a mistake). He said that there was nothing wrong, that after almost a year to talk everyday, it was normal to do it less. I told him I needed to communicate, but he said I was just being needy, that I was not realistic and that I was trying to have a real relationships based on what I read on Internet. I really did tried to find solutions in the past. Like, I do not text him in the day anymore. I do not even ask him to call anymore, and now, he wants to stop the text messages. Is he trying to break up without telling me? I do not get it at all. I do not feel like I am needy right now. I've made a lot of efforts lately to please him and I told him I did not know if I was enough for him. He said yes and that he loved me, but I do not know what to do anymore. If he doesn't even want to talk to me, that probably mean he doesn't want of me anymore, right?

[Chris516]

Yes, I know..I do not think he will do it however.
We fought yesterday night again. I asked him what was going on (maybe that was a mistake). He said that there was nothing wrong, that after almost a year to talk everyday, it was normal to do it less. I told him I needed to communicate, but he said I was just being needy, that I was not realistic and that I was trying to have a real relationships based on what I read on Internet. I really did tried to find solutions in the past. Like, I do not text him in the day anymore. I do not even ask him to call anymore, and now, he wants to stop the text messages. Is he trying to break up without telling me? I do not get it at all. I do not feel like I am needy right now. I've made a lot of efforts lately to please him and I told him I did not know if I was enough for him. He said yes and that he loved me, but I do not know what to do anymore. If he doesn't even want to talk to me, that probably mean he doesn't want of me anymore, right?

Communicating daily, or not.....

I prefer to communicate daily. But the night before last night. I had a very minor headache, and was doing laundry. So I didn't have a chance to call her.

If we don't communicate daily. I apologize for not calling.

I do the majority of the calling, but that doesn't bother me. She has called me back infrequently, when the phone call has been cut off for some reason.

Yet, I can understand the ambiguity of your SO's schedule makes it hard to know when you can talk on the phone. If he were stationed at sea for instance, the only communication possible would e-mail.

In fact, what if you both used e-mail, instead of worrying about the phone all the time. With e-mail, it doesn't require the 'here and now', while daily communication can still be maintained. Then do the phone once a week.

Would that help take the pressure off of both of you?

[hmrambling]

It doesn't really sound like the two of you have established trust. You question that he adds women to social media, and you are questioning if there is someone else. A lot of people say a lot of nice things in the beginning. In all actuality, it doesn't take a lot of effort to say a lot of nice things to anyone, especially in the beginning. However, do you feel like you need that from him regularly and ongoing? If so, are you lacking something within yourself that affirms that you are an awesome person (without someone having to tell you that all of the time?

These questions are simply to provoke thought, and to get you thinking about why they are issues.

It might be great if you would tell him that you would appreciate it if he were to read about depression, but you cannot make someone read about depression or understand depression. If he chooses not to learn about depression, what does that say about him?

Have the two of you ever had a conversation about the amount of communication each of you want in the relationship? For instance, my SO and I text in the morning and talk on the phone in the evening, and that's it. Both of us agree that is sufficient and acceptable. Have you had these conversations?

Regarding your parents, if you are living on your own and paying your own bills, what does it matter what they think?