Broken :(

[Star7]

Plz help. I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for a year now. About two months ago I moved several states away. He's already visited me and I've gone to visit him. We have a great time together and truly care about each other. However, when we're back in separate states the communication, for me, is awful. The communication via text/phone was never wonderful but it didn't matter until now being so far apart. I feel like if I try to communicate with him about it that I'm being a pest & that's not my intention. I generally have to text first (usually). The response time is either good or it's terrible. I feel like I have to be careful not to push him away so I'll only send two texts and then typically he passes out from drinking but I take it way more personally now that I'm so far away. I'm feeling like he's losing feelings for me already but I'm also going through other things so I feel more insecure than I typically would. I've asked/discussed this with him before and he says I'm just being insecure. I've said, it's hard to be secure from so far away with limited communication. I understand he gets no signal at work & due to his excessive drinking habits passes out very early when he gets home from work sometimes. I'm just struggling because sometimes he'll text me when he wakes up late at night and sometimes he won't. I guess I feel particularly needy since I'm so far away and I hate that feeling. I also don't want to play games like wait days to text him etc. I trust he isn't seeing someone else nor am I. But this is just very hard on my heart and I don't know how to handle it. He just told me he loved me the other day, but I feel like if you truly love someone, why would it be so hard to communicate long distance. I know I have to take into account his drinking problem. Is the alcohol just a priority over me? I guess that's kind of a dumb question :'( Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I just feel very lost and hopeless so far away.

[zaily]

Alcohol will be his priority and first love unless he chooses to do something about it. It is ironic that you are worried about how many text messages he sends or how long he takes to reply than about his drinking problem, that is the real problem here. You cannot expect too much from him, you won't be able to have a healthy relationship with someone who has addiction problems. Think if this is the man you want to be with and if this relationship can truly make you happy.

[Star7]

I obviously get the drinking prob but he has no intention of changing. Sadly it's hard to unlike someone when u get along well while 'together'. It is awfully hard for me to try & let go. Very sad

[zaily]

I obviously get the drinking prob but he has no intention of changing. Sadly it's hard to unlike someone when u get along well while 'together'. It is awfully hard for me to try & let go. Very sad

I understand that it is difficult and sad for you to let go, but the more you keep dragging it out, the worse it will feel. Do you see a future with that guy? Do you think the relationship will actually go somewhere? You gotta be realistic.

Think about your well being, love yourself, if you don't take care and love yourself, nobody else will. That man is not available, he is committed to addiction and isn't in a good place as to have a relationship with anyone. There seems to be co dependence, get professional help.

[hmrambling]

I suggest you check out AlAnon. It might help to talk to others who are in the same or similar situations.

[Star7]

Thank u.

[Moon]

I was the wife of an alcoholic, and he chose drinking over me and his daughter. He lost his job, started dealing weed out of the house, would stay out all night, wouldn't send our daughter to school when I was at work, because he couldn't get up, we had our power and phone shut off, etc. He had no desire to change, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it, except leave him. So I did.

I left when I realized the bottle and the drugs were his priority, not us, and I needed to keep my daughter safe.

I understand how you feel, but know that this isn't about you and all the love in the world can't change it, only he can. It's not your fault and you ARE good enough, he's the problem. Good luck, and be strong.

[Star7]

Thank u & I'm so sorry u & your daughter went thru that. I know I'm a good person. I just can't stop crying because it feels like it's over & we havent even talked about breaking up. I can't even tell him my pain/concerns cause he'll just shut down. He doesn't wanna hurt me but he is by simply not giving me what I need..basic communication. To him it's all fine but he also is aware he's a mess. He's a highly functional alcoholic. I guess my self esteem is just so far in the gutter that I just plug along waiting for a scrap of kindness while he completely numbs himself into not dealing with anything. I feel like I physically don't have the energy to handle this. I guess I just have to keep going until something gives or just breaks completely. Can't go on forever 😔

[Chris516]

The 'bottle' will take precedence over you. Until his drinking becomes manageable. Is he attending AA meetings?

I applaud you for being in a relationship with him!!!!! While I don't agree that alcoholism is a disease. The mere fact that you are in a relationship with him. Says a lot positive about you!!!!

My (late)maternal great-aunt and (late)maternal great-uncle were married 66yrs., despite his drinking. There were plenty of times that my (late)maternal great aunt could have left him. But she chose to stay. Maybe you n' him can be like my relatives and fight it together.

[Star7]

Awww God I wish I had the strength. And although at times I've expressed worry about it I refused to fight with him about it because I know growing up with a family of alcoholics that it's like talking to a wall. And just causes resentment. He makes me so happy when we're together and he really is a caring person, but drinking since the age of 13 and basically taking care of his alcoholic mother until she died, He's just very emotionally unavailable most of the time. It's funny most of my friends say I'm an idiot for staying that I should run. And like he has alcoholism in him, I have low self-esteem in myself. And I just don't give up on people easily. Just an old-fashioned romantic I guess. Or as some would say, a fool. But there's just been too much crying on my part lately and I have to handle it all alone and don't know how to detach from him. I think he would be sad but I definitely don't think he would try to get me to stay. He has too much pride for that. And also he has the alcohol to numb him from feeling the pain until the next girl came along. Apparently I'm the only one who has stuck around so long. It just is tearing my heart apart.

[sasad]

Do not choose to stay and be the enabler. If he won't change, you can't make him. People like him get behind the wheel and kill people. Go to a meeting like HR suggested.
I left an alcoholic spouse. If they choose drink... They don't get better, they get better at hiding.

[Star7]

My last BF was an abusive alcoholic. Was with him 3 1/2 years. This was years ago, but people had told me to go to Al-Anon meetings. Maybe I took it wrong but it seemed like they teach you how to tolerate the BS from these people. Maybe they are meant for couples that are married. In my position people just say leave, but sometimes that's easier said than done when you have a big heart. I guess it just takes time to walk away. And a hell of a lot of strength

[Chris516]

My last BF was an abusive alcoholic. Was with him 3 1/2 years. This was years ago, but people had told me to go to Al-Anon meetings. Maybe I took it wrong but it seemed like they teach you how to tolerate the BS from these people. Maybe they are meant for couples that are married. In my position people just say leave, but sometimes that's easier said than done when you have a big heart. I guess it just takes time to walk away. And a hell of a lot of strength

I indirectly know the feeling. My first (ex)fiance(2002-2007) is Bi-Polar II instead of an alcoholic. I put up with a lot of emotional abuse from her. Because I knew it was part of her mental illness. Not intentionally, blatant and/or brutal. So, I had a lot of forgiveness in my heart. I do think mental health professionals wanted to lock her up and throw away the key. Also that they might have wanted me to break up with her.

Like anyone else. We try to find the goodness in a person. Once we find it, we still have to cope with the negatives. I fought for her. But she accused me of 'controlling' her. It tore my heart out. No I don't want to see her again. The correlation being fighting for the one you love in their ongoing battle. But sometimes that battle is greater during the duration, and kills the relationship.

[Star7]

I'm sorry u went through that. And yes, ultimately it is going to tear apart our relationship if it already hasn't. Sad truth. The saddest part being that I am probably the only one who cares out of the two of us

[sasad]

I'm sorry u went through that. And yes, ultimately it is going to tear apart our relationship if it already hasn't. Sad truth. The saddest part being that I am probably the only one who cares out of the two of us

There is your answer. why are you straying with another alcoholic??? Perhaps its time to break up and stay to yourself for a bit. Learn to love you and KNOW you deserve so much more than what you are getting now... Your SO has a mistress.... its his bottle......