Death In The Family

[SugarBooger]

How did all of you handle a situation where your SO lost a loved one? My bf lost is mother three days ago and he keeps telling me he's ok. I'm 820 miles away and trying to save money to see him around the holidays. I'm also moving into a new place in December. I told him I would be there for him if he needed me but he keeps saying he will be fine and I have a lot of stuff going on. I want to be therefor him but financially it's gonna make things very very tight. I feel absolutely Terrible that I am so far away. I love him so much.
He told me that it's going to be awful and a lot of stuff is going to be going on and driving an hour to Chicago doesn't seem very appealing in the midst of everything. I don't know if he really doesn't want me to come or if he's putting up a front because he's a manly man. I want to be there for him but it's not easy. Does anyone have any advise or similar experiences they can share?

[c_denise3]

We have been fortunate enough to not have to experience something like this in our relationship, but I know it's not easy. Since you cannot be there with him physically, you just have to make yourself available to him emotionally. Just let him know that you are there for him whenever he feels like talking about it. Don't press the issue of visiting him, because the money situation will stress not only you, but him as well because he knows you would be putting yourself in a financial strain for him.

Just hang tight, and be there for him as best as you can. It's hard being away from the person we love in times of need, but with the circumstances, there's not really much either of you can do right now. Just wait until he's ready, and he will open up about his feelings. Everyone grieves differently, and men don't necessarily like to show emotion. Give him time, and he will come around.

[CanadianGirl]

With grief so fresh, it's almost like having an out of body experience for a while. I wouldn't expect him to talk about it and if he does, just show him that you're there to listen. Like c_denise3 said, don't press the issue of visiting too much, it's just more to think about. You're not doing anything wrong or cold by being realistic about finances right now. He'll find a way to let you know if he really needs a visit from you in person.

[Chris516]

Depending on the relationship he had with his mother i.e. abusive, casual, loving; His could be just what he is telling you. He could be in a daze as his expression of grief.

[SquishyLove]

My husband lost his mother in 2011, when we hadn't even been together a full year, and his father died of cancer this February, after we'd been living together and married nearly 4 years. So, it's not easy. Everyone grieves differently. I didn't know his mother well, but I at least had gotten to meet her. His father I knew better and had bonded with, although of course didn't have the whole life of history with like my husband did, so I grieved right along with him, but in a little bit different way. My only advice is to let him KNOW you're there if and when he does need or want to talk about it, but don't push the issue. My husband straight up said he didn't want me to initiate convos about his parents, but wanted to know that if HE wanted to speak about them that I'd be there to listen. I think that's the best you can do. My husband created a really loving "shrine" to his parents in our apartment, a little shelf of their photos and a few momentos from them, which is very sweet. It takes time, grief of a parent is unique and everyone processes it differently. Don't "expect" a certain type of reaction or emotional display from a person grieving - just let them express it (or not express it) the way they're comfortable with. Not everyone cries openly, for instance, but that doesn't mean they're "grieving wrong." Again, we're all different. Just be there for him, be available, keep being sweet and loving, and over time he should go through all the stages of grief in a healthy way.

[Chris516]

How did all of you handle a situation where your SO lost a loved one? My bf lost is mother three days ago and he keeps telling me he's ok. I'm 820 miles away and trying to save money to see him around the holidays. I'm also moving into a new place in December. I told him I would be there for him if he needed me but he keeps saying he will be fine and I have a lot of stuff going on. I want to be therefor him but financially it's gonna make things very very tight. I feel absolutely Terrible that I am so far away. I love him so much.
He told me that it's going to be awful and a lot of stuff is going to be going on and driving an hour to Chicago doesn't seem very appealing in the midst of everything. I don't know if he really doesn't want me to come or if he's putting up a front because he's a manly man. I want to be there for him but it's not easy. Does anyone have any advise or similar experiences they can share?

Indirectly, I know what it is like. Back in 1989, my (ex)wife's mother got married for the third time. He died from cancer just a few years ago. Even though my divorce was back in 2000. During the years that my (ex)wife n' I dated, then were married. I got to know my (ex)wife's step-father, almost as well as her father. I always enjoyed going to his house. Even though I had no direct relation to him for three years until my (ex)wife got married. He lived at a ski resort where he had a house. It wasn't Vail, Aspen, Steamboat Springs, Stowe, or any other well-known ski resort. While he was a retired dentist, he wasn't 'Mr. Megabucks' like some doctors these days. He was a nice guy. Maybe because he was my (ex)wife's step-father and I didn't have direct on-going contact with him. Like I did with her father.