He said he feels like he's steering the relationship... RANT

[c_denise3]

And I'm pretty offended.

Babe and I had a long talk the other night, and he said that he feels like he's been the one steering our relationship. When I asked him why he felt that way, he said, "because I'm always calling you, you never call me," to which I said, "Um.. honey, I never know what you're doing." He's in the Navy. He has class, duty, watch, and only God knows what else going on. How am I honestly supposed to know when a good time to call would be? Also, there are times where he's not feeling sociable. I'll message him, he will read the message and not respond. So please, how are you the one steering the relationship?

Also, this is a BIG one. Since he's been in the Navy, I have sacrificed a lot. After I graduated grad school, I moved to his hometown FOR HIM, it ultimately didn't work out and I moved back to West Virginia. When he was stationed in South Carolina, I traveled down there once a month to visit him, I paid for the gas and the hotel expenses. Also while he was still in Charleston, I took his jeep down to him, and paid for the train expense back home. Before he relocated to Connecticut, I surprised him one last time down in Charleston for his birthday. I have done a lot for him. A lot of time and expense out of my pocket makes our visits possible, yet he feels like he's the one steering our relationship because he's the one who always calls? I snapchat him every morning before work, something he USED to do, but doesn't anymore. I'll message him, and get no response because he's heading to class. When he was in the Nuke program down in Charleston, I put up with a lot of bullshit (being ignored, he didn't feel like talking, not talking to him for days) because I love him and I wanted to give him his space to deescalate from his stress.

I don't think he realizes just how much I have sacrificed for him and our relationship. I get that he's not able to do a lot since he's in the military, and in his defense, he does treat me all weekend when I visit him, but don't say you're the one steering this relationship just because you call me every time. He even said, "well, a surprise call would be nice, even if I can't answer." So I agreed, and idiotically apologized for making him feel like he was the one doing the most work in this relationship.

[C.C.]

I don't know if I have got just a misinterpreted idea, but I think steering the relationship means being more active rather than having done/sacrificed more or anything of that sort? The relationship isn't the competition to determine who's done more, if both of the couple are doing their best, imho.
And I think what he said just meant that you are more passive and, how to explain this, that you are a "follower" rather than an "initiator"? Which again, in my opinion is a completely separate topic.

[c_denise3]

I see what you're saying, and that does make more sense. I was just slightly offended and upset when he said that the other night. It just felt like he was meaning that I wasn't contributing enough, ya know? But I totally get what you're saying.

He just needs to be more open with his schedule because I literally have no clue what he's doing throughout the day, and I even told him that. Like for example, he had watch from 3am to 6am this morning, so he went to bed early. I was messaging him and he wasn't responding. He messaged me back this morning apologizing because he had watch and went to bed early. I told him, "you don't have to apologize, I just don't know what your schedule looks like, and then you're MIA for hours. Just give me a "hey babe, I'll be busy from this time to this time," so I don't think you're just ignoring me." Like just keeping me in the loop is all I'm asking for so I don't feel like a terrible girlfriend for not calling him because I don't know what he's doing, you know?

[C.C.]

He just needs to be more open with his schedule because I literally have no clue what he's doing throughout the day, and I even told him that. Like for example, he had watch from 3am to 6am this morning, so he went to bed early. I was messaging him and he wasn't responding. He messaged me back this morning apologizing because he had watch and went to bed early. I told him, "you don't have to apologize, I just don't know what your schedule looks like, and then you're MIA for hours. Just give me a "hey babe, I'll be busy from this time to this time," so I don't think you're just ignoring me." Like just keeping me in the loop is all I'm asking for so I don't feel like a terrible girlfriend for not calling him because I don't know what he's doing, you know?

Well all that's something you have to discuss and solve with him. Best of luck :3

[hmrambling]

So I agreed, and idiotically apologized for making him feel like he was the one doing the most work in this relationship.

Nobody can make me feel bad without my permission. When I say someone makes me feel a certain way, it's taking the responsibility off of me. If I say that someone makes me feel a certain kind of way, I'm setting myself up to give someone credit for how I feel.

People say all the time, "you make me feel happy," when they mean, "I'm happy when I'm with you."
"you make me feel bad," when it really means, "I feel bad and I'm blaming you for it."

You are responsible for your own feelings. Food for thought.

Why are folks keeping score about who does what? Why is it a big deal that he's asking for a surprise call? These might be some things that the two of you can talk about.

[c_denise3]

It's not a big deal. He just feels as though he's the one always initiating phone calls. Well, when I have no clue what you're doing, of course I'm just going to wait until you aren't busy and then call me. He's in the military, his schedule is literally all over the place.

It's not about keeping score. As someone pointed out, I misinterpreted what he was saying. I thought "steering the relationship" was him saying that he's doing more towards making it work, that's all, and that wasn't/isn't the case.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Maybe you can come to compromise. Coming from someone who has struggled w/feeling like I steer the relationship, I would feel much better if the both of us sat down and agreed what each person could do.

[hmrambling]

IHe's in the military, his schedule is literally all over the place.

I was in the military for 6 years. I had relationships over those 6 years. I was in Germany and my SO was in Louisiana. We had a huge time difference. It felt great when she would call and leave a message. It was good to hear from her, even if I wasn't able to talk to her. Also, she wrote me letters and put them in the mail. It was awesome to get her letters in the mail.

[Chris516]

I was in the military for 6 years. I had relationships over those 6 years. I was in Germany and my SO was in Louisiana. We had a huge time difference. It felt great when she would call and leave a message. It was good to hear from her, even if I wasn't able to talk to her. Also, she wrote me letters and put them in the mail. It was awesome to get her letters in the mail.

OP, This is a stupendous suggestion!! It is perfect for those times when actually hearing each other's voice at the same time, is not possible.

[Fldancer90]

My bf and I had a conversation so similar to this over the weekend. I, too, was extremely hurt by it because I felt like he wasn't giving me credit for the things I do contribute. However, after about a day or so of awkwardness, it faded away and I realized that I see what he's saying in certain aspects of our relationship.

My hope is that he and I continue to communicate things like this so we don't build up any resentment or tension. Sometimes the hard ones to have are the ones we need to have most.

I'm looking towards positivity after this conversation because he's giving my input on how I can continue to grow in the relationship. Good luck on your end!

[c_denise3]

Absolutely. My guy and I tend to give one another space before having a serious conversation so we can cool off, so we don't say something we don't mean out of anger or frustration. Things have been better since my original post. Good luck to you as well!