reignite the spark

[Fast Forward]

Hi dear all,

How do you deal with stretches where it feels like the spark is lost or low in your LDR?

Let me elaborate a bit. I am in general a passionate person. When I am in love, I show it. I am the obnoxious girl who always talks about her boyfriend, who always wants to talk TO her boyfriend, who is constantly touching him when he is around and who never gets tired of hearing how much he adores her and how she is the best thing ever...
I know, it is annoying. I am very needy. It is a problem and I know it.

Fair point to my boyfriend is - he never said this. He only says that we (!) need to get rid of my insecurities. He listens to me saying the same thing a gazillion times and hardly ever shows any frustration. He seems very stable in his beliefs.

However, being this highly sensitive person that I just naturally am, my insecurities have peaked since I realized he is talking to me with less passion than he used to. He says that he loves me and it sounds like he is reciting a really dull text. I always tell him to just say it if he feels it, yet he always says it anyway (he is a bit OCD so I guess not keeping routines like this would make him a bit nervous). At the same time I miss how he used to never get tired of Skyping and just staring at me, making me all these compliments and swooning if I make a compliment to him.

Now it is like we talk every day because that is what we do. He rarely looks at me like he used to. When I ask about it, he always says we are fine, that he is still in love with me, that he does give it effort etc. But I feel he does not.
Maybe we are in a rut, and after my visit it will get better. Yet we have not been together for that long and I feel it is too early to get so "comfortable". It is nice knowing that I can always count on him, but I am afraid without more passion, this is going to die out soon.

Did anyone here ever experience something similar? Is there anything I can do about it or am I fighting a lost battle?

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Not to be negative, but when something like that happens, that can be a signal that the relationship has run its course. I dated my ex for close to year, this relationship was not a long distance, but I noticed the same patterns you are describing. He would tell me he loved me, it didn't seem genuine to me, his actions did not show me love. I talked to him about many times until the last time, where in that week I decided to break up. Going w/your gut feeling is the way to go, people can anything that they want, doesn't mean they truly mean it. I'm not gonna lie, making that decision was so hard for me, but I was sick and tired of being w/someone who didn't truly care for me. Good luck w/everything!

[Elizabeth123]

Each relationship is going to have ups and downs. The first point is to respect each other and the second is communicate / listen.
You say you want him to express his feelings and then you criticize him for doing as you requested. So, basically he can't succeed....maybe you need to rethink how you are treating him.

[Chris516]

Hi dear all,

How do you deal with stretches where it feels like the spark is lost or low in your LDR?

Let me elaborate a bit. I am in general a passionate person. When I am in love, I show it. I am the obnoxious girl who always talks about her boyfriend, who always wants to talk TO her boyfriend, who is constantly touching him when he is around and who never gets tired of hearing how much he adores her and how she is the best thing ever...
I know, it is annoying. I am very needy. It is a problem and I know it.

Fair point to my boyfriend is - he never said this. He only says that we (!) need to get rid of my insecurities. He listens to me saying the same thing a gazillion times and hardly ever shows any frustration. He seems very stable in his beliefs.

However, being this highly sensitive person that I just naturally am, my insecurities have peaked since I realized he is talking to me with less passion than he used to. He says that he loves me and it sounds like he is reciting a really dull text. I always tell him to just say it if he feels it, yet he always says it anyway (he is a bit OCD so I guess not keeping routines like this would make him a bit nervous). At the same time I miss how he used to never get tired of Skyping and just staring at me, making me all these compliments and swooning if I make a compliment to him.

Now it is like we talk every day because that is what we do. He rarely looks at me like he used to. When I ask about it, he always says we are fine, that he is still in love with me, that he does give it effort etc. But I feel he does not.
Maybe we are in a rut, and after my visit it will get better. Yet we have not been together for that long and I feel it is too early to get so "comfortable". It is nice knowing that I can always count on him, but I am afraid without more passion, this is going to die out soon.

Did anyone here ever experience something similar? Is there anything I can do about it or am I fighting a lost battle?

The 'what ifs', are more common with an LDR, than a CD.

To put a real analytical spin on LDR vs. CD

1. CD allows for face-to-face communication, while LDR(Skype, Facebook Chat, Yahoo Messenger notwithstanding) allows for really thinking about one's feelings.
2. CD allows for seeing each other physically, while LDR is a good test of commitment for the future when there are weeks, months, even a year. Between the time that they see each other.

[Fast Forward]

Thanks for your replies guys!

NewToLongDistance2016: that is exactly what I am wondering about. Now I have no doubt that he cares a lot about me - as I said, we talk daily and usually multiple times a day. So maybe he has not even realized yet how much his passion has vanished. He keeps saying that it is just because we are away from each other and he knows in 5 days (yay!) we will be reunited for 10 days. But I don't want to go through the ordeal of meeting his parents, his sister, his cousins etc when after that he realizes he is not that happy with me.

Elizabeth123: I guess in the aspect of respect and communication we are mostly fine. I know he respects me and he usually listens (well, he is a man at the end of the day and he does forget some things, but nothing wild). But I DO feel that sometimes he underestimates how I feel. I deal a lot with anxiety in relationships and I told him that very early on because I suffered from a bad onset a few months after we met. I have to say he has been a great support - better than anyone I have been with before. But I hate when he says "oh that is just your insecurities/anxiety speaking" and does not address the cause. Oh, also I am not up his neck all the time. Many times I say nothing and try to deal with it alone. And most times when I mention it I do so softly. Though I admit we did have a small fight two days ago.
He had forgotten to reply to soe really sweet texts I had sent him. That is the kind of thing I cannot understand. I understand that in the spur of the moment you forget to reply but at some point you do remember your SO messaged... I mean, you do think of that person more than others right? So HOW can you completely forget their message?
It is also within his words. No more "darling"s or anything like that these days. I have not mentioned that at all because what is the point...

Chris516: I know. But I am rather clueless as to what he thinks about this relationship - if he still wants to build a future. The idea was that I move over next summer as I have another year of unpaid leave before I have to go back home and I was thinking about going to another country for that time anyways. He was the one to first bring up that I could move over. Now I wonder if I should not put these plans on ice and withdraw a little to just see what is going to happen...

[R&R]

Hi dear all,

How do you deal with stretches where it feels like the spark is lost or low in your LDR?

Let me elaborate a bit. I am in general a passionate person. When I am in love, I show it. I am the obnoxious girl who always talks about her boyfriend, who always wants to talk TO her boyfriend, who is constantly touching him when he is around and who never gets tired of hearing how much he adores her and how she is the best thing ever...
I know, it is annoying. I am very needy. It is a problem and I know it.

You may need to consider that an LDR might not be for you. It's certainly not meant for everyone. If you need constant attention and to have that much focus placed on you, being with someone who is local and around may work out better. Every relationship is different and how every person acts in a relationship is different. Sometimes, as time goes on, we realize we are not as compatible as we thought. There's nothing wrong with that.

Here's an example: My younger daugher, who is 20, did LDR for 3 years. She ended up giving up 6 months before he moved home. She wasn't getting the attention she wanted and thought she deserved. The guy she was dating was in the military and did so much for her that he could from such a distance it was crazy. However, she wasn't happy anymore and she told him so. When he couldn't mold himself into the person she wanted him to be (and rightly so - he shouldn't change who he is) she ended it. She's now in a relationship with a local man and they live together. They even work together. She's happy and he's happy to dote on her all the time. She's found someone that she feels compatible with and that gives her all the attention she wants. It works for them but she had to find someone who was happy to give her what she was looking for - not try to force someone to change how they show their love to meet her demands.

[Fast Forward]

I don't want him to change. He is a good guy. But it shows more and more that we have very different tempers. I am a very active person, I lose my mind if I have to be still for two days and always get head over heals into projects until I collapse from stress. Total Type A. He takes things more slowly. He gets very active at work and when he travels but outside that, he is very laid back and relaxed. Sometimes, this works out as he calms me when I stress and I push him when he gets too lazy.
But when it comes to how we deal with each other it is more difficult. I send him special messages a few times a week. I initial Skype conversations. I stay up late to talk to him. I send him care packages. He never does any of these things. He does call daily. He listens to my rants daily. (I listen to his as well but being Type A... I rant a lot) He would get uncomfortable if we don't talk, so I don't need to worry.
But he forgets the Good morning texts more often and it really hurts me.

We just had a talk about it now. I came home from work and called him. I thought he had the day off and that was why I didn't her from him - maybe he slept in. No - he was working and it was slow. He forgot to message me. Again. I got really sad. I said I can clearly feel how he feels less and less for me and that maybe it isn't such a good idea if I stay at his family's house and meet everyone with things going the way they do. He got sad when I said that. I am quoting him: "if anything I got more comfortable in our relationship. But the more comfortable I get, the more uncomfortable you get". And that is spot on I guess.
I just need to see a little more effort. Like the good morning texts. Or a sweet or hot text once in a while. Or him initialing Skype for once. This used to happen but it does not anymore. He keeps denying it. All I can think of is that maybe if I stop doing all of this, he will wake up and realize it is missing...

I fly over in 5 days. I know he can't wait to see me. But is it too much to ask that he finds a way to SHOW that? I don't think I am asking for too much.

[R&R]

You can tell someone what you want and what your needs are......put it out there on the table. Then, if you can't find a compromise or you're not happy, you are free to leave the relationship. You can't force someone to act how you want them to. You can't force someone to call or text you. If I have to ask my SO over and over for attention - then he's not doing it because he wants to but because he feels obligated and what good is that?

Maybe because I'm older I don't see these things as such big issues. It doesn't matter who texts or calls first. It doesn't matter if we don't Skype for long periods of time. We are in this together and we work with what we have. We don't stress out when a text isn't returned or a call is missed. Somehow, it all works out and we appreciate that we have each other but our lives aren't dictated by how many texts or calls we receive or make. We're both very independent and I think that helps us a lot too.

[Chris516]

Thanks for your replies guys!

Chris516: I know. But I am rather clueless as to what he thinks about this relationship - if he still wants to build a future. The idea was that I move over next summer as I have another year of unpaid leave before I have to go back home and I was thinking about going to another country for that time anyways. He was the one to first bring up that I could move over. Now I wonder if I should not put these plans on ice and withdraw a little to just see what is going to happen...

No 'testing the waters' games. Plan a mutual vacation. Face-to-face, just the two of you(of course).

[ThePhoenixRises]

No 'testing the waters' games. Plan a mutual vacation. Face-to-face, just the two of you(of course).

OP - I personally think it is a great idea to go next summer - especially if you have a year of unpaid leave - what a great opportunity ! I don't see 'testing the waters' as a game at all. Living with a partner is a really good gauge of how you are going to get along in real life situations - I see no harm in this at all. I have to disagree with the idea of a mutual vacation being a better idea in this situation - because I think you get a much better idea of how you will be in real life if you live the real life. Vacations (in my opinion) are much easier because a lot of the everyday stresses of life are simply not a part of it - and I don't think they paint a real picture of how you will function as a couple in day-to-day life and situations. I have done both with my SO - and I actually have enjoyed the day-to-day stuff a lot more (although, the vacations have been rather awesome!).

ETA: Sorry, I just read that you are going to visit him in 5 days. So see how that goes, and take it from there. It will probably be a lot easier to communicate this kind of thing face to face - at least it was for me. Good luck - and enjoy your visit!

[Fast Forward]

Thank you all for the replies.

Unfortunately right now it looks like this is the end Last night as I was on my way to meet friends we talked a bit more. I thought I'd tell him what I needed a bit more precisely. He was hurt from what I had said before (that I wasn't sure whether staying with his family was the right thing right now) and so instead of being a constructive conversation it turned really negative... He said we'd talk later but when I tried calling, he never picked up. I messaged him apologizing for hurting him as that was not my intention and that I don't want to fight etc. He ignored my messages completely. When I got home, I started panicking. I tried calling him a bunch more times - no reply. I am not used to him completely ignoring me.

I think that's it. I don't want to be with someone who gives me the silent treatment like that, not even stating he needs space of whatever. I came out of an emotionally abusive relationship where being ignored was a go-to punishment. It is the worst one can do to me. I am in bits and pieces, have hardly slept at all. I have work in one hour... All I want to do is cry my eyes out. He has never been this unfair. I never insulted him or anything, I was just upset when he turned the conversation into something negative, but I never thought that would be the end of us.

[Fast Forward]

Hi guys, just a quick update.

After a rather horrible Monday, he finally called that evening. Turns out he completely misunderstood my worries and thought I was going to end things with him. His reaction was to completely shut down. I am not very happy with this reaction - had he said he needed some time, I'd have been fine. However this way, I was just completely done with the world for a whole day, left there hanging in the air. I still think I cannot be with someone who ignores me when problems occur. But we talked and I think for now, we should focus on my visit and then, when we have a quiet moment, talk about how to handle these things in the future in a way that he gets the time to think he needs without me losing it.

When we had this discussion, he said that he was just completely comfortable with the relationship. I guess I misread his actions or rather INactions. I guess there too we could find ways to meet halfway. I am just worried that he will just shut me down each time I raise concerns instead of sitting down with me and discussing solutions.

ThePhoenixRises: I wanted to react to your post. Yes, I am glad to see how real life is on his end of the world. Sure we won't be together 24/7 as he is working during the week, but I have stuff to do as well. We have a romantic weekend getaway planned when I arrive before I meet his whole family. I am so excited! Luggage is packed, one more day of work and then Friday early morning I take off.
Hopefully those 10 days together give us some direction.

[ThePhoenixRises]

Hello, I am glad you have been able to talk to him about some things. Yes, I have had an ex before that has shut down and withdrawn rather than talking to me about issues. It is very frustrating because I am a talker But once I got to know him better, I could accept that this was how he handled things and it became easier. The brain is an amazing (and frustrating) thing - you were thinking he wanted to end it, and he was thinking that you wanted to end it! Even though it has been difficult, I am sure it is a bit of a relief for you to now know why he has acted the way that he did. I guess relationships are always a learning experience, and I am still learning things about my partner (and we have been together over a year with several visits). Everyone handles communication differently - the key is having a good understanding of how the other person handles it, and either accepting it, or discussing it to see if there can be some kind of compromise.

Definitely focus on your visit and the right moment will come when you can talk about some of these things. I saved a lot of my things to discuss for my visit with my partner as I really prefer to talk face to face rather than phone/skype/email - only because with technology - it can often fail at the worst of times, and I would rather wait till I am with my SO to have the harder conversations (unless it is stuff that we need to talk about more urgently). This is just me though - I am sure there are others who are completely comfortable having the big conversations online.

When I visit my SO he very often has to work too, but this is okay because I can keep myself occupied during the week (it helps that I am right now learning his language, so that takes up a lot of my time whilst he is at work). The fact that you are meeting his family is a good sign, and I think it is good that you are having a weekend getaway before this. Enjoy it!

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Hi guys, just a quick update.

After a rather horrible Monday, he finally called that evening. Turns out he completely misunderstood my worries and thought I was going to end things with him. His reaction was to completely shut down. I am not very happy with this reaction - had he said he needed some time, I'd have been fine. However this way, I was just completely done with the world for a whole day, left there hanging in the air. I still think I cannot be with someone who ignores me when problems occur. But we talked and I think for now, we should focus on my visit and then, when we have a quiet moment, talk about how to handle these things in the future in a way that he gets the time to think he needs without me losing it.

When we had this discussion, he said that he was just completely comfortable with the relationship. I guess I misread his actions or rather INactions. I guess there too we could find ways to meet halfway. I am just worried that he will just shut me down each time I raise concerns instead of sitting down with me and discussing solutions.

ThePhoenixRises: I wanted to react to your post. Yes, I am glad to see how real life is on his end of the world. Sure we won't be together 24/7 as he is working during the week, but I have stuff to do as well. We have a romantic weekend getaway planned when I arrive before I meet his whole family. I am so excited! Luggage is packed, one more day of work and then Friday early morning I take off.
Hopefully those 10 days together give us some direction.

See how he acts now that you have brought up your concerns. If nothing changes then its not worth being in the relationship anymore. When I brought up the issues w/my ex, absolutely nothing changed in the long run and eventually I was done talking and waiting, I left.