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**R&R** · November 7, 2016, 10:06 AM

Welcome to LFAD.

Only he can tell you why he isn't visiting or why he really isn't ready to make that commitment to a relationship. It sounds like he is being cautious and has a lot of things going on for him personally. A relationship may be the last thing on his mind right now.

You can tell him your feeings and what you want but I wouldn't go on about it a lot. Maybe tell him "I am hoping _____ for us and I would like to see _______ happen between us. Now you know how I feel and I'm not going to bring it up again unless how I feel about these things changes or you tell me it's not what you want." Then give yourself a personal time limit about how long you will wait for any sort of decision from him. You don't want to put in a lot of time with someone who doesn't have the same goals as you but you want to give him a chance.

**Jewlie41** · November 7, 2016, 11:44 AM

Hi R&R,
Thank you for your valuable and objective advice. He likes to take his time with things in general. He doesn't like to rush. Added to the fact that I let him down years ago, he would definitely want to take this slowly if he was interested still. It's hard for me as I get caught up in my feelings a lot and can rush things in relationships. He actually said that he was drawn to and struggled with that side of me. I did reveal my feelings a couple of weeks back after the discussion about the distance. I said I'd like to see him for longer to see if there was a future for us. To visit with my daughter but to stay in the large city nearby. ( He shares a house with 3 guys. The economic situation in Spain is horrendous.Lots of unemployment. He got a new job at DHL in July after my visit and in past few weeks has had to do extra hours) Another interesting exchange we had was after my first visit in June when we had reunited. I messaged him ' how would you feel if my daughter and I lived near you' he replied ' would you come here' and I said 'yes if it was worth it' he asked me, 'why would you come here?' and scared of his reaction I didn't respond. I didn't want to scare him off too much!

**Jewlie41** · November 7, 2016, 11:56 AM

By the way.. I love the quote you have up.To those who dream, nothing is ever far away:

Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

Would it be too much to send that to him?

**Chris516** · November 7, 2016, 04:01 PM

Julie, Welcome to LFAD

Both you n' he have a child from a prior relationship. So, Apart from his back surgery, the kids are above everything else.

It is great that you n' he are chatting.

But his visiting, and even your moving, is hampered by priorities.

Yes, There is hope, as long as neither you or he pressures each other.

**R&R** · November 7, 2016, 04:06 PM

Originally posted by Jewlie41 View Post

By the way.. I love the quote you have up.To those who dream, nothing is ever far away:

Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

Would it be too much to send that to him?

Right now I would focus on rebuilding trust and friendship. You can tell him what you would like to see happen down the road but don't put pressure on him for something that may never be in the picture.

**Jewlie41** · November 8, 2016, 01:07 PM

Hi R&R the and Chris. Thanks for your guidance and support. I am trying my best to not pressure him, go with the flow and trust if it's meant to be it will be...Its just very hard though.

**Chris516** · November 8, 2016, 05:41 PM

Originally posted by Jewlie41 View Post

Hi R&R the and Chris. Thanks for your guidance and support. I am trying my best to not pressure him, go with the flow and trust if it's meant to be it will be...Its just very hard though.

Your welcome.

In one way, he is putting more pressure on you. Than you are on him. while you want him to visit. He wants' you to move. Granted he will be having back surgery, which would make moving there nice. But, The potential back surgery recovery could be long-term. So factor that into, how the two of you relate to each other.

I am saying that from personal experience. Both, You, And he, will need to accept what happens during the surgery recovery. I was married for eight years, to a woman I never should have married in the first place. She never could accept, my 'pre-existing medical (physical)conditions'.

**Jewlie41** · November 11, 2016, 09:06 AM

Hi Chris516,

Thanks again for your support and advice. He hasn't asked me to move there, I offered to if after spending more time together it was the right thing to do. The back surgery will be for a herniated disc... Sounds like a bad case. I offered to go for a short visit to take care of him following surgery as he has no-one around who can fulfil that role. He said that specialist advised that this type of surgery had good results so he maybe OK but he said thanks and I'll let you know.

In terms of me putting pressure on him, after discussion with a good friend, I decided that I needed to define whether or not this is just something casual for him. So I sent him a video saying that it wasn't casual for me but if it was for him better to tell me now. I need to know where I stand to stay strong as a single mother. I said if it was just a fling I wouldn't be visiting him anymore. I can't afford it financially or emotionally.

**Jewlie41** · November 23, 2016, 05:15 AM

I sent him a video to try and determine, at least, if this was more than casual for him. I said I was spending a lot of money on visiting if this was just casual for him. I heard nothing for 4 days. I sent him another one saying that I felt I was hasty in not allowing him to come to UK with me all those years ago. That I had made a mistake. He then blocked me on WhatsApp. I said on Facebook, that I just needed a simple message saying it's casual. That if it was he wouldn't lose my friendship but that he was damaging it by blocking me. He unblocked me very quickly. I called him the day after. He picked up phone very quickly. It was just a friendly chat as I was looking after 2 kids at time. Anyway after a week of no response to my question about direction of relationship, I emailed him and said that if I hadnt got a response in another week I will assume it's casual. Today is end of week. Very sad.

**sasad** · November 23, 2016, 07:30 AM

Originally posted by Jewlie41 View Post

I sent him a video to try and determine, at least, if this was more than casual for him. I said I was spending a lot of money on visiting if this was just casual for him. I heard nothing for 4 days. I sent him another one saying that I felt I was hasty in not allowing him to come to UK with me all those years ago. That I had made a mistake. He then blocked me on WhatsApp. I said on Facebook, that I just needed a simple message saying it's casual. That if it was he wouldn't lose my friendship but that he was damaging it by blocking me. He unblocked me very quickly. I called him the day after. He picked up phone very quickly. It was just a friendly chat as I was looking after 2 kids at time. Anyway after a week of no response to my question about direction of relationship, I emailed him and said that if I hadnt got a response in another week I will assume it's casual. Today is end of week. Very sad.

You gave him an ultimatum and he made his choice, now you need to respect that. Its hard to turn back the clock and live in the past with all the "I wish... And we should have... But it is better now then after moving etc. Let him be jus friends if he wants, or nothing if that's what you want. He did block you. You are starting to sound pushy and needy sending all those texts about should haves..
I am in a relationship with a man I met and dated 15 years ago. We are lucky that it works and the time is right. We probably would not have made it back then as we were in different places in our lives. We met up, became friends again, talked about the past- neither of us had any bad feelings- and now we are together.

**Jewlie41** · November 23, 2016, 08:02 AM

Thank you for you input sasad. Well within the week he had to respond he just has. He said he'd like to chat after work tonight.
When you met up with your guy after 15 years were you living at a distance?

**sasad** · November 23, 2016, 09:16 AM

Sort of... we were on opposite side of the state.. It was a 2 to 3 hour drive from where I live, he was moving to Florida (and did) so we are now almost 100 miles apart..

**Jewlie41** · November 23, 2016, 10:06 AM

How often did you see each other? I am a 7 hour journey away from him. I live in UK and he's in Spain. I've seen him once since our reunion in Spain in June. I've not seen him now for 2.5 months.

**sasad** · November 23, 2016, 10:53 AM

We saw each other every Wednesday before he moved. We went 3 months before seeing each other- my choice as I was getting my life and son settled. After that meet, we decided no longer than 3 month. That was May ( he came up for a weekend as I wanted to end things, he stayed in a hotel) I went to him in July and stayed a week. It was amazing. He came up in October and we talked and decided no longer tan 30 days. Now we see each other as often as we can afford it . But we worked at this relationship. We set down basic rules, boundaries' and what are break point was. He and my son get along absolutely wonderfully, so that always helps.

It was him that pushed me for a commitment. I was just scared of being hurt.

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