He has yet to buy tickets, prices climbing?

[NewToLongDistance2016]

If you're not playing games, be direct with him. Being direct would be telling him that if he does not come to see you that you no longer want to see him. If it is a deal breaker, then say so. I'm not in the business of making ground rules and deal breakers without letting my partner know. My partner needs to know those things that I feel are worthy of terminating a relationship.

I don't want to play games, but I did tell him my expectations/deal breakers when we started talking and getting serious. I did tell him I would be very disappointed if he didn't come, he told me he wouldn't want to disappoint me. I feel like I have shown flashing lights pointing to what I want.

[hmrambling]

Did you tell him that if he did not come see you that his not visiting is a deal breaker? He has a right to know that you intend to end the relationship if he does not come see you.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

NewToLongDistance2016: I get your point. When my bf and me started out, I told him to come visit me here in Ireland first - I knew that weather wise it would have made more sense for me to go to Montreal as the summer here is shite and there it is lovely. But for me it was about seeing whether he'd commit. I held my end of the deal and booked my tickets to see him two days after he went back home. He however took a long time to book tickets, booked them like a month and a half in advance only. It drove me mad. He has a job that makes asking for time off early kind of difficult though. He also chickens out before making such decisions. That is not just in the relationship - we only met cause he could not choose between two hostels and the day he wanted to book the other hostel was already fully booked
For some people, it is just a trait of character. I know he loves me and wants to see me as bad as I do, but I am much better and pulling through with plans than he is. We are now planning our next trip and I am already anxious that flights will be too expensive by the time he can finally book...

I know he enjoys seeing me as much as I see him. He actually told me he waits until the last minute to book it, but I am already shuffling around my work days to spend time w/him when he comes over. Although its pain in the behind for me, I am doing it because I want to spend the max amount of time w/him. The next time we vid chat, I will mention it again, if he doesn't want to do it he won't and that will be my answer. I just have had so many unreliable people in my life, that I am dealing w/those kind of people. I've been hurt a lot by former friends and guys, so I am very wary.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Did you tell him that if he did not come see you that his not visiting is a deal breaker? He has a right to know that you intend to end the relationship if he does not come see you.

I have not, in the past when I gave ultimatums they never worked super well for me.

[hmrambling]

There is a difference between ultimatums and a clear intent of what a ground rule and dealbreakers are. You said that you clearly told him your ground rules and deal breakers.

If a deal breaker for me is that my partner not cheat on me, then I need to tell my partner. If my deal breaker is that I should not be the only one traveling and that we split the travel, then I need to tell my partner.

If I make a boundary, I need to stick to that boundary. Holding a boundary is not an ultimatum. Especially when I state up front what my ground rules and deal breakers are.

I talked to my partner about travel early on. We each agreed that both of us should be traveling. If one of us does not uphold these ground rules, and it is a deal breaker, then the other needs to know. That is not the same as an ultimatum.

Are you making the rules up as you go along? Have you just decided that you intend to end the relationship if he does not travel to see you? The issue may very well be your own communication, and not his planning. You continue to discuss the issue here on this forum, but have you clearly discussed with him that if he does not visit you that you will end the relationship? If not, I suggest you take out a pen and paper and write out your ground rules. List your dealbreakers. Communicate both the ground rules and deal breakers with him. It is only fair to him that he know what the ground rules and deal breakers are in the relationship. It is not fair to make up the rules as you go.

Then he can make informed decisions based on the information presented to him. And you will need to be consistent with your ground rules and dealbreakers, without making up new rules as you go along.

A little bit of clear communication goes a LONG way.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

There is a difference between ultimatums and a clear intent of what a ground rule and dealbreakers are. You said that you clearly told him your ground rules and deal breakers.

If a deal breaker for me is that my partner not cheat on me, then I need to tell my partner. If my deal breaker is that I should not be the only one traveling and that we split the travel, then I need to tell my partner.

If I make a boundary, I need to stick to that boundary. Holding a boundary is not an ultimatum. Especially when I state up front what my ground rules and deal breakers are.

I talked to my partner about travel early on. We each agreed that both of us should be traveling. If one of us does not uphold these ground rules, and it is a deal breaker, then the other needs to know. That is not the same as an ultimatum.

Are you making the rules up as you go along? Have you just decided that you intend to end the relationship if he does not travel to see you? The issue may very well be your own communication, and not his planning. You continue to discuss the issue here on this forum, but have you clearly discussed with him that if he does not visit you that you will end the relationship? If not, I suggest you take out a pen and paper and write out your ground rules. List your dealbreakers. Communicate both the ground rules and deal breakers with him. It is only fair to him that he know what the ground rules and deal breakers are in the relationship. It is not fair to make up the rules as you go.

Then he can make informed decisions based on the information presented to him. And you will need to be consistent with your ground rules and dealbreakers, without making up new rules as you go along.

A little bit of clear communication goes a LONG way.

For the most part we talked about boundaries and deal breakers when 1st started getting serious. I feel as though this deal breaker falls under following through w/promises (which I have stated before) and not letting me down. He told me he is willing to do long distance if I am willing to put in the work and I agreed as long as he also puts in the work. I have yet to decide what will happen if he doesn't come out here, but that will be a big blow to my confidence in us. If he doesn't come out here, I will really be questioning everything.

[R&R]

The first time my SO and I were together, he didn't make the first visit. When he planned to be here for a second visit, I told him that if he didn't show, it was over. He didn't show. I was by myself in a hotel room all night. When he contacted me a week later and tried to explain, I told him the only way we would talk is if he was in front of me but it was over. We didn't speak for 18 months. If you are going to say it, then you have to mean it.

Yes, 18 months later we talked again, rebuilt trust, got back together and we were married on the 9th of this month after 3 years of being back together. He understood needing to be here when he said. He missed a flight once but his ass sat in the airport for 24-hours until he could get on the next available flight out.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

The first time my SO and I were together, he didn't make the first visit. When he planned to be here for a second visit, I told him that if he didn't show, it was over. He didn't show. I was by myself in a hotel room all night. When he contacted me a week later and tried to explain, I told him the only way we would talk is if he was in front of me but it was over. We didn't speak for 18 months. If you are going to say it, then you have to mean it.

Yes, 18 months later we talked again, rebuilt trust, got back together and we were married on the 9th of this month after 3 years of being back together. He understood needing to be here when he said. He missed a flight once but his ass sat in the airport for 24-hours until he could get on the next available flight out.

I like your direct approach. I have asked my mom about the situation and she suggests just sitting back and seeing if he comes to me 1st. Her reasoning is that i shouldnt push ir nag him to come out, this way I see if he really cares about me. Thank you for your advice . People are telling me different things and idk how to go about this situation.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

I'd casually add it into the next conversation, just something like "Oh, hey, I meant to tell you that I noticed air fares for the time you're coming is starting to rise a bit, you might want to check into it" then move on. The ball is in his court then, you did what you were supposed to without being perceived as nagging. See what he does then, and I hope it gives him some incentive to look for tickets. Good luck.

Thank you all for the responses, I lost my patience and asked him directly about whether he has looked at tickets, he said he and quoted a price. Now for sure I know I can only wait and see what he does.

[Chris516]

Thank you all for the responses, I lost my patience and asked him directly about whether he has looked at tickets, he said he and quoted a price. Now for sure I know I can only wait and see what he does.

Now for him to actually make the flight, and not come up with some excuse for not making flight. If he genuinely bought the tickets.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Now for him to actually make the flight, and not come up with some excuse for not making flight. If he genuinely bought the tickets.

Its not about him making the flight, its him actually buying the darn tickets, I don't think he would miss his flights when he spent money on them. It really worries me that he is only "looking" now.

[80anthea]

Its not about him making the flight, its him actually buying the darn tickets, I don't think he would miss his flights when he spent money on them. It really worries me that he is only "looking" now.

Why don't you trust him? If he says he is getting the tickets and you are in a healthy relationship based on trust then I'd say he is getting the tickets.

[Chris516]

Its not about him making the flight, its him actually buying the darn tickets, I don't think he would miss his flights when he spent money on them. It really worries me that he is only "looking" now.

Ok, I thought he had already bought the tickets but, left the date open.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Why don't you trust him? If he says he is getting the tickets and you are in a healthy relationship based on trust then I'd say he is getting the tickets.

Idk if its a gut feeling or because I've been let down by a lot of people. The thing that worries me is how much he is stalling on the tickets. He knows how expensive they get, I had to push my meet date back a couple times because the tickets were outrageous. Personally I would think if he was enthusiastic about seeing me, he would have already bought the tickets. He has the time to come visit and a free place to stay, so in my mind why is he waiting? The tickets are not gonna go down anymore, right now they are the cheapest they will be.

[Fast Forward]

Oh, I hear you... Though I still wouldn't say him procrastinating has anything to do with you. My bf told me today that it looks like he will get off for the time we wanted to meet... but he is not sure if he can book tickets yet. 100% him being him. I told him I'll book next week and if I ned up alone in Florida I'll send him pics of all the fun I am having without his sorry buttocks Getting upset is not getting you anywhere.