Christmas - engagement

[Littlewhiteflower]

Hi,

I'm meeting my SO for the first time in a couple of days after one year of constant communication through skype, phone and text messages. He is coming for Christmas.

Lately, we have been talking about the gifts that we bought to each other (giving little hints) and I wanted to have some advices. Maybe I'm paranoid or imagining too much but I feel like he could have bought me an engagementt ring.

Yesterday, on phone, he said that the gift was something I'd have with me all the time, then he added last minute that I would have it for the rest of my life. Tonight, he said that it's something I would wear. We stopped talking about it and after a while, I was talking about the distance and said that one day, it would end (the only way to end the distance is actually to marry because it's really hard to settle in my place in his current situation). He answered "it won't be long and we will be together" and i thought he said that because he is coming here at Christmas for a couple of days but after he mentioned, "you might be a married woman in less than a year".

I have no idea if he was kidding. Am I being paranoid or he wants to propose to me at Christmas?? its not the first time he talks of marriage but I'm not ready for that at all. I love him but just thinking about it makes me feel really insecure and I'm not ready to marry at 20. I just wondered if my fears prevent me to think clearly or if this really sounds like he wants to propose. What would you do if you were me and he asked? I don't want to lose him by saying no if it happens. I do have strong feelings for him and we passed through a lot together but I'm really not ready for that. He is the kind of man who acts without really thinking and when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I just said "something that will remind me you when you're away."
It scares me a little bit now. I just needed some opinions about it.
Thanks in advance

[sasad]

You need to say what you feel. We can't tell you what that is. I do not think it's a wise idea to get engaged if you have not physically met and spent real one on one time with a person, what if they smell? Are a horrible kisser? Live like a pig?
And you seem to be stressing a lot.. and that's not god.

[maybesomeday]

Adding to what the above poster said, engagement seems extreme for two people who haven't met yet; you still need to get a feel for them in person, because they could be different from what you imagined. You may not feel the spark once you meet. The physical aspect is so important and those of us who've never met their partner yet can't just assume the physical connection will be there. I've often said to my SO that we may not like how the other smells, or feels, or each others mannerisms and physical habits. The spark may not be there if we kiss or hug. We just can't know until the moment comes. I think I've gone a bit off track, but basically he shouldn't be thinking of proposing to you when you have not met yet. He seems to be many steps ahead from where he should be at this time. Then again that may not be the gift he has, even if it "sounds" like it is. You definitely seem stressed and worried about it, and for good reason, so it may be good for the both of you to talk about it...even if it ruins a surprise he may have for you when he visits.

[differentcountries]

It is very sweet that he seem so serious about it, but actually marrying someone is a big deal.

Meet up, take your time, get to know each other physically, how do the other person smell, what way do they walk (I may be silly, but I absolutely love the way SO walks, I actually liked it before I saw his face), how does it feel like to hold their hands on the bus, how does it feel to have his arms around you, what is it like to share a bed (for sleep or other things). But not only that, but there are so many things that you can not know unless you have met in person: do you like the small sounds they make (that Skype does not neccesarily transfer), what it is like to have breakfast together, do you walk in the same pace on the street, what kind of ice cream does he like, is he into petting dogs? watching crime fiction? etc.

He is probably buying you jewlery. Which you dont have to wear all the time, unless you want to. SO and I have given each other jewlery, but the dont wear them all the time.

Marrying at 20-21 is a bit young. You dont have the money or life experience, and you have not dated that long - not to mention not met. If he brings up the subject, you may say that you appreciate the sentiment, but want to get to know him better in this stage. Especially if you know him to be a man who will say things without thinking them though. If he asks you, you dont have to say no, but you can tell him it delights and scares you to hear him ask - if that is somewhat true - and that you will be happy to return to the question after you have taken your time to explore each other more.

I hope you have a nice meeting and a sweet Christmas

[lucybelle]

It could be another piece of jewelry- necklace, etc. It could be a "promise ring" which seem to be quite popular among young members here.

You should probably just ask. "When you said I'd be married in a year, were you serious?"

[autumn1790]

I personally don't like the idea of a surprise engagement. It's a big decision that requires communication just like anything else in a relationship. The only surprise element should be the where and how, in my opinion. I would definitely broach the topic maybe with the question lucybelle gave. Merry Christmas!

[Littlewhiteflower]

I stress because I know that it would not be realistic to get married at 21 years old (next year). I'm at university. I'm not rich either. I can't afford a marriage. Plus, I know how my family would react to this and they would not be for it. He is 5 years older than me. He already told me he wanted to settle down soon, but I would feel a bit pushed if he would propose to me so quickly. We sure talk since a year. We told to each other ''I love you'' but I'm not in the ''wedding'' state right now.

[Rezie]

It could be any piece of jewelry but those hints do give out an engagement vibe. For me personally I wouldn't get engaged without living with the parson in the same flat for some time, let alone if we hadn't met. You say that marriage is the only way to close the distance, but I would say meet up a few times before doing that. Seems like you are being very level headed about this. It's better to get to know the person IRL. Conversations are always different from the actual live interaction.

Previous comments about asking were great but I'm not great at being direct. I would approach the subject by saying how excited I am to meet up for the first time and how great it is to finally see face to face. How great it will be to see how you work together when you are in the same room and how it will make you feel. How it will be nice to move slowly to see if maybe someday in the distant future you could get married.

Don't be too prepared cause it could be earrings and then you would be nervous for the whole visit. But if it turns out to be an engagement ring you can explain how you are not ready. he should understan this since you are young and haven't even met yet. If he doens't understand it then it is his loss. You shouldn't feel pressure about getting married. But try to relax and enjoy your time since it could be a toering...are those back in style yet?

[Littlewhiteflower]

I told him that before but he says that there is no worries and that it will work. He is a bit of a dreamer I'd say. It's not bad, but I'm the realistic one and I think of those things. He doesn't which explains why he could already be ready to marry while I'm not there at all in my life. I don't know, but I think I'll talk of it with him.

[Littlewhiteflower]

Thank you very much. I think you're totally right.
I hope you have a merry Christmas too

[Littlewhiteflower]

I know..I told him before that I would prefer to live with him before marrying. I was planning to go spend the summer with him, but he seems to want to move faster which make me feel stressed.

Haha, I would definitely prefer earings. I'll try to relax a little bit. It may be something else. Thanks for your advices

[R&R]

If it is that he is going to propose, and he is there with your family, there would be the potential for him to ask in front of everyone. I would definitely bring it up prior to him coming out there.

It can be general, "I'm so looking forward to you coming out and getting to finally spend time with you in person. This is the next step in our relationship and it's important to me that we take this one step at a time and discuss any bigger decisions ahead of time with no surprises."

More direct, "I've had friends lately talking about getting married. It's definitely not something I'm ready to think about yet and I'm sure you understand."

Really direct, "With the hints you've given, it sounds like you may have gotten me a ring. I'd be okay with a promise ring, but if it's an engagement ring, please know that I am not ready for that yet and I hope you can respect that. I really think that would be something we would need to discuss together first."

[Littlewhiteflower]

I don't think he would propose in front of my family. I told him I bought him some little gifts and one more special, that I would give him the ''special'' one when I will be alone with him, because I do not want all my family to be around. There are things I like to keep private and to share only with my partner and he told me that he would do the same.

I like the general explanation. It's less direct. I will try that one. Thanks for your help!!

[Rezie]

a little OT, but seriously..promise rings? I guess I'm getting old...

[R&R]

a little OT, but seriously..promise rings? I guess I'm getting old...

I've seen it a lot with older teens and people in their 20's. Not quite ready to commit to getting engaged but apparently a promise that it's in the future for them.