Would you move for your SO without being married first?

[LisaS]

Just wondering how many of you would move for your SO without being married first? If I were to move for my SO, I would have to give up a good job/salary/benefits as well as my friends, family and a wonderful city. It seems like a lot to sacrifice for someone without being married to them. My SO says he isn't ready for marriage but he is otherwise very committed, loving and caring. Just wanted to hear other people's perspectives and if you've been/ are in a similar situation?

[sasad]

Personal choice.. we all have different feelings, view points and circumstances.. I Cant move or should I say I wont move and lose my son. Otherwise I would be with him now.

[R&R]

I agree with sasad that it's personal choice. Some people get married before they can close the distance, some marry right away after a move, some delay for awhile and some never want to get married but are 100% satisfied living together. The two of you have to decide what is going to work for you.

[LisaS]

Good point, there is no right or wrong since we all have very different circumstances.
You are a good mom and I hope one day circimstances will allow you to be with the man you love.

[ronjaandbirk]

Agreed, it's a really personal thing. I don't really believe in marriage for example and think it's unreasonable to get married before you've lived together and made sure you are compatible in day to day life. So it really depends. If marriage is something very important to you that you aim for I think you should at least be able to talk about in a "maybe not now, but in a year" kind of style. How does he generally feel about marriage? In any case, it is a he commitment to give up so many things for somebody else, married or not, and having doubts about it is perfectly normal.

[Rezie]

I wouldn't marry anyone without living with them first. But then again we all have different values.

[C.C.]

Don't have a SO currently, but commitment matters more for me as well rather than being married/or not. So basically I would if I felt our relationship was committed and good enough. As for giving up the family, job, etc. EVEN marriage can be in vain and you have to be prepared for the worst either way. And the status itself doesn't have that much meaning to me.

Also, I think some couples choose to marry without having closed the distance first because of it being the only visa option.

So it all depends on personal choice and circumstances.

[Chris516]

Just wondering how many of you would move for your SO without being married first? If I were to move for my SO, I would have to give up a good job/salary/benefits as well as my friends, family and a wonderful city. It seems like a lot to sacrifice for someone without being married to them. My SO says he isn't ready for marriage but he is otherwise very committed, loving and caring. Just wanted to hear other people's perspectives and if you've been/ are in a similar situation?

It would have to be a pretty darn good reason.

In a previous LDR that made it to CD in a couple months. She moved to where I was living. Then we moved to another state where she could get the medical care she needed. In the other state, she was able to get the medical care she needed.

In your case, it sounds like there is a major problem. When I moved out of state in a previous LDR, I moved several hundred miles away from family, and any friends. I did it without question. Not blindly. But that I loved her and wanted to make sure her health was taken care of. Also, I was sick n' tired of the intrusion of my family. When I was married, locally(not an arranged marriage). Family would just come over. Without asking beforehand, if it was convenient or not. Then they would have a conniption fit if I or my (ex)wife didn't answer the door.

My point is, you can keep your friends and family, whether you are local or live several states away. If you work for a nationwide company, you can transfer. If you presently work for a small company, bide your time before resigning/quitting. Think of it as a new chapter in your life. Just make sure the relationship, and a new job, are absolutely nailed down.

[LisaS]

Don't have a SO currently, but commitment matters more for me as well rather than being married/or not. So basically I would if I felt our relationship was committed and good enough. As for giving up the family, job, etc. EVEN marriage can be in vain and you have to be prepared for the worst either way. And the status itself doesn't have that much meaning to me.

Also, I think some couples choose to marry without having closed the distance first because of it being the only visa option.

So it all depends on personal choice and circumstances.

That's true, even being married doesn't guarantee that things will last!

[LisaS]

I agree with sasad that it's personal choice. Some people get married before they can close the distance, some marry right away after a move, some delay for awhile and some never want to get married but are 100% satisfied living together. The two of you have to decide what is going to work for you.

I guess all the scenarios sounds good as long as the distance is closed thanks for your response!

[LisaS]

Agreed, it's a really personal thing. I don't really believe in marriage for example and think it's unreasonable to get married before you've lived together and made sure you are compatible in day to day life. So it really depends. If marriage is something very important to you that you aim for I think you should at least be able to talk about in a "maybe not now, but in a year" kind of style. How does he generally feel about marriage? In any case, it is a he commitment to give up so many things for somebody else, married or not, and having doubts about it is perfectly normal.

Thanks for making me feel normal for having doubts lol

[Fast Forward]

Good and difficult question. I also think nowadays it is odd marrying without living together first, as this is how it usually works in our regions. I am in the priviliged position of having another year before I need to return to my job (unpaid leave), and I want to move in with my boyfriend for that year. So we are taking that leap of faith. However I am not yet giving up anything for him - my job is on hold and I have lived abroad for years, moved a few times and kept in touch with my friends and family either way. However I see how he cannot do the same as easily. If he leaves his job, he probably can't go back and he doesn't know if he'd find a job in my country. So while I have a safety net, he does not.

I also wonder how couples manage where either way one of them has to make a big sacrifice - for all those that take that leap, all my respect! I know it will be a tough call in two years when we have to decide what to do from there - whether I quit a safe and really well-paying job or whether he'll quit his safe job and leave the city he loves so much... Or whether we go long distance again... But time will hopefully tell.

[differentcountries]

Both of us would be leaving behind good jobs, friendships and and a nice city if we were to close the distance by one of us moving. Both of use would have language problems living in the other person's country. It is a lot to give up. We have mostly discussed him moving to me, and that we want to have a summer home in his current city.

It would be a lot of security for my SO if we could marry first. I would have to get divorced first, so there is a technical challenge, and it would be a great sacrifice for my husband to give up our legal bond. I was adviced to do a technical divorce after I have a child with my husband, that way it will look less suspicious that we keep in touch. Likewise, if I was to move to SOs country it would be a huge huge benifit if we could be legally married. But then my husband would have no legal bond to go there and we would just switch so I would be in long distance with my husband (and probably without the means to visit).

We have visited a lot, lived together part time and had a lot of "daily life stuff", so I would not feel weird to marry tomorrow. I know SO is ready for marriage in the emotional sense, in the practical sense he wants to pay off some debt before really planning our future. And I am in the same place in life, too.

[LisaS]

Good and difficult question. I also think nowadays it is odd marrying without living together first, as this is how it usually works in our regions. I am in the priviliged position of having another year before I need to return to my job (unpaid leave), and I want to move in with my boyfriend for that year. So we are taking that leap of faith. However I am not yet giving up anything for him - my job is on hold and I have lived abroad for years, moved a few times and kept in touch with my friends and family either way. However I see how he cannot do the same as easily. If he leaves his job, he probably can't go back and he doesn't know if he'd find a job in my country. So while I have a safety net, he does not.

I also wonder how couples manage where either way one of them has to make a big sacrifice - for all those that take that leap, all my respect! I know it will be a tough call in two years when we have to decide what to do from there - whether I quit a safe and really well-paying job or whether he'll quit his safe job and leave the city he loves so much... Or whether we go long distance again... But time will hopefully tell.

I probably should have mentioned before that my bf and I met in the same city and lived together for 2 years before he moved out of state (we've been long distance for another 2 ears) but yes, I agree with everyone who has said that living together before marriage is definitely a good idea!

That's awesome that you're able to put your job on hold and take a year leave! A friend of mine actually suggested that I take a leave but unfortunately my work only allows leaves for medical reasons...

Like you and your bf, me and mine both have safe and well-paying jobs in our current cities but the job prospects in each other's cities aren't great but we are continuing to job search. Another option we are considering is to possibly move to an entirely new city where we can both find jobs there!

Yes I think time will tell for you and after spending a year out there together, hopefully you two will have a better idea of what to do next. That's exciting that you get to spend a year together though!

[LisaS]

Both of us would be leaving behind good jobs, friendships and and a nice city if we were to close the distance by one of us moving. Both of use would have language problems living in the other person's country. It is a lot to give up. We have mostly discussed him moving to me, and that we want to have a summer home in his current city.

It would be a lot of security for my SO if we could marry first. I would have to get divorced first, so there is a technical challenge, and it would be a great sacrifice for my husband to give up our legal bond. I was adviced to do a technical divorce after I have a child with my husband, that way it will look less suspicious that we keep in touch. Likewise, if I was to move to SOs country it would be a huge huge benifit if we could be legally married. But then my husband would have no legal bond to go there and we would just switch so I would be in long distance with my husband (and probably without the means to visit).

We have visited a lot, lived together part time and had a lot of "daily life stuff", so I would not feel weird to marry tomorrow. I know SO is ready for marriage in the emotional sense, in the practical sense he wants to pay off some debt before really planning our future. And I am in the same place in life, too.

I'm not sure what a technical divorce is but i can see that it adds an extra layer of complexity to a LDR! I was thinking more of the emotional security of being married but you're right that there are some important practical reasons, particularly if someone is moving to another country.