Would you move for your SO without being married first?

[LisaS]

Just wanted to write a quick note thanking everyone for their responses! This was my first post and I've enjoyed hearing your thoughts and stories

[LisaS]

It would have to be a pretty darn good reason.

In a previous LDR that made it to CD in a couple months. She moved to where I was living. Then we moved to another state where she could get the medical care she needed. In the other state, she was able to get the medical care she needed.

In your case, it sounds like there is a major problem. When I moved out of state in a previous LDR, I moved several hundred miles away from family, and any friends. I did it without question. Not blindly. But that I loved her and wanted to make sure her health was taken care of. Also, I was sick n' tired of the intrusion of my family. When I was married, locally(not an arranged marriage). Family would just come over. Without asking beforehand, if it was convenient or not. Then they would have a conniption fit if I or my (ex)wife didn't answer the door.

My point is, you can keep your friends and family, whether you are local or live several states away. If you work for a nationwide company, you can transfer. If you presently work for a small company, bide your time before resigning/quitting. Think of it as a new chapter in your life. Just make sure the relationship, and a new job, are absolutely nailed down.

I don't appreciate you saying there is a "major problem" when you do not know my situation at all.

No need to reply, I don't want any negativity on this post.

[Chris516]

I don't appreciate you saying there is a "major problem" when you do not know my situation at all.

No need to reply, I don't want any negativity on this post.

Re-read what I said about your job. Before biting my head off.

[Bee'sknees]

I wouldn't personally marry anyone without living together first. To me it's important to see how we function together in normal day to day life before making such a huge decision. I don't really see moving as a sacrifice either since it's so easy to keep in touch with family and friends nowadays. And easy to travel and visit too. And even if I moved and it didn't work out, it would still give me a great experience and I could learn from it regardless.

[Rezie]

I wouldn't personally marry anyone without living together first. To me it's important to see how we function together in normal day to day life before making such a huge decision. I don't really see moving as a sacrifice either since it's so easy to keep in touch with family and friends nowadays. And easy to travel and visit too. And even if I moved and it didn't work out, it would still give me a great experience and I could learn from it regardless.

Sacrifice might be a bit of a strong word. Eventhough staying in contact and traveling is easier now. Moving is still a big deal for some of us. Having to resign from a job and trying to find a decent one somewhere else, maybe seeing your family once a year, building new contacts, possible language problems. Moving somewhere for a year is an awesome adventure but moving somewhere with possibly never returning to the place I now call home is quite daunting. If it would be just pack up and go then there would be a lot less LDR's

[R&R]

Sacrifice might be a bit of a strong word. Eventhough staying in contact and traveling is easier now. Moving is still a big deal for some of us. Having to resign from a job and trying to find a decent one somewhere else, maybe seeing your family once a year, building new contacts, possible language problems. Moving somewhere for a year is an awesome adventure but moving somewhere with possibly never returning to the place I now call home is quite daunting. If it would be just pack up and go then there would be a lot less LDR's

You're right - it is daunting and it really can be a sacrifice too. In 2008, I moved from NH to CA (3,000 miles). I left behind everything I had ever known, my teenagers (with their blessing and encouragement), my family, my friends, and my job. Needless to say, I only lasted 18 months before moving back. It can seem a great adventure, but when reality sinks in, it can be very difficult.

Even so, I'm moving about 1,500 miles away next year. My children are adults now and my oldest is moving with me, so I think that is going to make a big difference in the move. My parents may also follow us as they are getting older (early 70's) and the winters are getting hard on them. There is so much more that goes into a move than just the physical relocation and adjusting to being together on a full-time basis.

[Harlequin]

My s/o and I would've moved in together before getting married had our circumstances been different. As it stands, the only way to close the distance in the near future is to get married. It's not necessarily ideal, but we're just thrilled that we'll be closing the distance within the next year or two. I currently don't have much to sacrifice, and his occupation wouldn't leave me with much room to care about that, anyway. It'll be pretty easy to uproot and move in that respect, and I'm anticipating it'll be like that for at least a few years while married.
I guess for us, it was just a go with the flow, and the flow just happened to be marriage first.

[R&R]

It's funny - all my friends from high school that didn't live together first but moved in after they were married are all still together 20+ years later.....over 20 couples. Every single one of us that lived together first have divorced.....well over 30 of us.

[Honour]

Circumstances dictate that for me and my SO to close the distance, marriage may be our only and best option. I am still finding it difficult to contend with this idea, having been so carefree and enjoyed my "freedom" for much longer than I've ever settled down with anyone. My SO and I spend so much time Skyping with each other, communicating in general, that we pretty much live in each other's lives anyway, so for me and with our circumstances, living with him first might not be a luxury we have. If it's foolish, it's foolish... but I have a pretty good idea what he's like to be around, in all sorts of moods.

[differentcountries]

I'm not sure what a technical divorce is but i can see that it adds an extra layer of complexity to a LDR! I was thinking more of the emotional security of being married but you're right that there are some important practical reasons, particularly if someone is moving to another country.

Oh, I meant a legal divorce, but we would still be together.

SO is very ambivalent about marriages in general, he told me he used to hate to attend weddings because they are stupid and he does not like to dance, but after I dragged him into one (his colleage from his old job getting married, also an international relationship) he was super exited and beaming over that fact that people asked him when he was going to marry me... He also likes it when his aunt and really anyone mentiones marriage in relation to us. So it has a strong emotional component for him. So does the idea of him being a breadwinner, he told me that he thinks he should be able to support a family (like some of his friends do). I would like for us to one day have a marriage party, but when I think about marriage it is in the legal sense. Even if we should end up not getting married, I want us to minimum write wills to secure inheritence.

Whoever moves, there will be lots of changes. We are thinking that we take it little by little. I am very comfortable in his country (despite the political situation), if I moved there I would need better language skills of course. He will need to learn a lot more of my langauge to move here, but he can also get by somewhat by English. He likes my country, but we would have to do something about food and heat. He will hate being cold and eating bland food. But we are used to making home hamam's, lots of ovens on and eating mostly Turkish, some international/Italian and some Norwegian food on top (he likes seafood and I often bring salmon - we bake and eat it Norwegian style with just oil and lemon, or he makes a tasty Turkish marinade. I also made a crossover Turkish spiced seasoned raindeer pizza that the liked. And his family liked my Norwegian cupcakes with a Turkish orange juice flavoured topping). I think some Turkish custums are weird, like wet bathrooms and people sitting on directly on wall to wall rugs instead of chairs, but after having seen his family twice that stuff is growing on me and I start to see it as normal.

I dont think we will have a problem with finding ways to make us happy. But I do worry sometimes that if he moves here, he will miss having it easy talking to everybody and people just hanging out whenever they have the uppertunity. And I do worry that if I moved there, I would have a hard time adjusting to a much less planned social life. Those are more backbone things. And he talks to his mum every week, perhaps more. We would have to get a great phone plan!

[lucybelle]

We both did. First to my country, than to his. I didn't want to marry without living together for a few years first.

If you already feel resentful about "sacrificing" your life at home, don't go. I moved to his country for me. I knew if things didn't work out between us then I'd still be a better person because of the move. If you go in bitter, things will simply never work.