Looking for some advice for a pretty low point in our relationship

[ShinyLatios]

My LDR seems to have taken a huge nosedive recently, and I honestly don't know what to do right now. I guess I'll start from the beginning and give some background on where my LDR has gone.

I've been talking to this girl for 5 years now. I was in my second year in college back then, and she was in her first year. She was in Michigan while I was in San Diego, California. It started with short small talk messages, but eventually we started sending each other really really long emails almost daily. It seemed like we never ran out of things to talk about.

Eventually, we exchanged Skypes and phone numbers and started talking that way. And we did talk regularly through Skype/text and sent each other care packages for about 4 years. Some of the most memorable things we did were me going out to the beach to FaceTime and show her the show her the San Diego sunsets. She really liked that. We seemed to really have a connection.

Last year, around October, she stopped replying to my messages. I didn't know what was going on, but after a month of not hearing from her, I decided it was probably best to move on. But one day in December, I went back to the website where we met, and I saw that she was writing a few blogs that indicated that she's been dealing with a lot of issues and was suffering from a lot of depression. I quickly wrote a really long text to her trying to comfort her, and we started talking again.

This last summer, she decided to come to visit me. And it was honestly the most amazing week I had in so long. I showed her the beaches in California, we went to museums, we cooked together.. It was what I wanted for us for so long, and it was finally happening. On the day before she left, we watched a sunset together and kissed.

But after a few months she went back to Michigan, we stopped talking to each other as often. We both went into our own depressions regarding our personal lives. She had just quit her job and went back to school to try to figure out a place for herself. And I also recently quit my own job and moved to the San Francisco area, but now I'm having difficulties finding a new job. Our personal problems have been really straining on our relationship, and it's reached the point where she's telling me she doesn't know if it will work out. She says she doesn't want to continue because she doesn't see it going anywhere in the near future and doesn't want to "hold onto any time slots in the future when there is no guarantee."

I guess I'm posting my story in a desperate attempt to get some advice on what to do, maybe hear from people who have dealt with similar issues. Cause it's not like we don't like each other. We do. We're just both in difficult positions in our own lives right now, and that's what's pushing us apart. It just seems like ever since we finished college, things have been so difficult for us.

[Rezie]

Have you talked if you are in a relationship or any you guys just talking and cyber hanging out?

I would suggest being friends and helping each other out but moving on from the relationship. Maybe when you both are in a better place you could give it a try. But moving on and staying friends is my suggestion.

[C.C.]

I guess I'm posting my story in a desperate attempt to get some advice on what to do, maybe hear from people who have dealt with similar issues. Cause it's not like we don't like each other. We do. We're just both in difficult positions in our own lives right now, and that's what's pushing us apart. It just seems like ever since we finished college, things have been so difficult for us.

I have been in a similar situation, I guess. With other things on the play as well but, still.
I was in your SO's position, though. And one thing I can tell you is that, respect her decision no matter what. Talk to her and so on but if she's firm on that decision, you will have to let go.

As for the situation itself, right now I think that people should be in a serious relationship when they are both ready and have their lives sorted out. Well at least I want to do so. Especially with the distance which makes things harder. Though break up is a break up and it might mean forever losing something important and special, the condition both of you are in will make the relationship harder. And it's a personal choice there, whether to deal with hardships and consequences together, or apart. And as sad as it is, you will most likely have to accept that fact.

[sasad]

HAve you both talked, I mean really talked.. About now and the future. Have you tried to come up with a plan of some type at all? Most of us need a goal or a time that we can reach for. I don't see anywhere in your story that you have tried to make plans or that you are madly in love?
Talk... Really talk and see what she needs and wants and what I is you need and want. Come up with a plan and compromise if you can. You are both so unsettled with so may life issues right now.
If you cant and its not going to work, its best to just let it go. It takes TWO to make a relationship work.

[Chris516]

OP, You mentioned that both of you have depression. Is that situational(job, and/or family crisis), or an actual clinical diagnosis for one or both of you? If it is a clinical diagnosis for one or both of you. That would be even more of a reason to talk, accept, and understand each other. If it is situational, comfort each other instead of letting depression drive a wedge between the two of you. Imagine if you were CD. You couldn't run from each other.

[R&R]

Individual life trials can really make or break couples. In the last year, my SO has dealt with some severe personal issues and we dealt with them as a couple. Instead of pushing me away, he realized that he didn't have to do it on his own and was thankful to have such support for the first time in his life. Whether CD or LDR, how someone handles the stress or tough situations that come in life tells you a lot about them and how they function in a relationship.

We are never going to be at a point in our lives where bad things won't happen to us. If you are each the type of person that withdraws when you are stressed, that can make for a very difficult relationship. It may take time, effort and possible intervention from a third party to help each of you to learn how to work together - if that is what you want. I do understand there are times when everyone needs space, but it can't be all the time and with every issue. Our partners are meant to be a support system, cheerleader, best friend, confidant and the person we can talk to about anything and everything.

No relationship has a guarantee. It doesn't matter if you live 5,000 miles apart or in the same house. Being LDR and CD each have their own issues and problems to deal with. However, not everyone is meant for a LDR and that's okay. If someone is honest with you and tells you that they aren't ready for an LDR or they don't think they can handle it, believe them. Just because you are willing to try to make an LDR work doesn't mean the other person feels the same way. It's hard when a relationship doesn't work like we want it to, but we have to respect the other party.