Untalked about problems

[mochabeans]

What is there to do if one person doesn't want to communicate? Obviously you can't force them to open up and share, nor should someone try. But life stress and relationship problems can't be ignored.

We've barely been talking or spending time together the past couple weeks. He "doesn't want to bother" me with his feelings or problems or burden me. Instead, he's quiet, impersonal, and ignores my attempts to get into deeper conversation or get sexy. He doesn't know what to say or why he's feeling so withdrawn.

Even scheduled dates are this way and this relationship has become lonely for me.

I realize he's having a hard time right now. I'm having a hard time, too. I'm not sure where to go with this, but I don't want to be in one of those relationships where people can't talk and it feels like being alone, and they're only there when things are good and easy. I'd rather be single.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

The only way for you to be happy in this case is walking away. I can tell you that this kind of situation is very painful because your partner simply doesn't care. This type of situation happened w/my ex and that was pretty much the reason I broke up w/him. Although I was in a relationship, I felt lonely because he didn't want to listen to my feelings and that would just turn into an ugly argument. The stuff we were arguing over were very small and very easily solved if both of us sat down and figured out a solution. I knew I would be doomed if I stayed, in the future there would be bigger problems and he would not want to work them out. Breaking up will painful at 1st, but one day you can find someone who is there for you and you won't feel lonely. Why waste your time being in a relationship feeling lonely when you could be missing out on someone who you will never feel lonely w/?

[Chris516]

What is there to do if one person doesn't want to communicate? Obviously you can't force them to open up and share, nor should someone try. But life stress and relationship problems can't be ignored.

We've barely been talking or spending time together the past couple weeks. He "doesn't want to bother" me with his feelings or problems or burden me. Instead, he's quiet, impersonal, and ignores my attempts to get into deeper conversation or get sexy. He doesn't know what to say or why he's feeling so withdrawn.

Even scheduled dates are this way and this relationship has become lonely for me.

I realize he's having a hard time right now. I'm having a hard time, too. I'm not sure where to go with this, but I don't want to be in one of those relationships where people can't talk and it feels like being alone, and they're only there when things are good and easy. I'd rather be single.

Has he said anything to the effect of, suggesting you find someone else?

How strongly do you feel about the relationship, yourself? Forget about him not talking. How much do you want the relationship? Forget for a moment about, what you don't want.

[Mims27]

It seems like your partner is going through some stuff and isn't ready to help himself at the moment. He is pushing you away in the meantime. Unfortunately you can't force someone to communicate and figure things out if they aren't ready and there's just so much you can do to help without hindering your own life. I would suggest to take sometime for yourself and hope that he figures his stuff out. Good luck.

[mochabeans]

On my phone so it's hard to use quotes.

He hasn't suggested I find someone else or anything like that. He reassures me that he cares but he still spends more time playing a video game than paying attention to me, and goes to bed with me still upset and confused. I feel easily forgotten about.

I care about him but not enough to go through maybe 3 months, 6 months, or more of a relationship before understanding this is just how he is. I don't want to be like my mother and spend a large portion of my life in a relationship with someone who makes a better friend, and unhappy the whole time.

[hmrambling]

The two of you are still fairly new. This is the process of learning how the other communicates. He might not be as open. There may be questions that you can ask to encourage communication. Trust takes time. When I was new in my relationship, I would often confide in friends and family before I discussed heavy topics with my new girlfriend. I didn't feel it was her responsibility to take on all of my problems. It's okay, especially in the beginning, to gradually learn how the other person communicates.

It's okay to take it down a notch and see how the other person communicates. Dating is about learning about each other. I would suggest that you discuss how you would prefer to communicate. See what he says. Open up a conversation to see if the two of you are on different pages, or if ya'll are so far apart that there is no room for compromise.

Some people do take longer than others to open up. Sometimes slower is better. It took me a lot of years to learn that some people take time to open up, and that it can really be worth it to talk to my partner to see how she prefers to communicate.

[differentcountries]

You have dated just a few weeks to begin with and I assume you may not know each other that well.

I had to use a lot of time with my SO to get him to open up more to me. I slowly realized that he was holding back in order to protect me, and I had to convice him that I did not feel protected because his feelings seeped though anyway, but without me knowing the cause, perhaps thinking I did someting, and also I would like to know a little bit of what goes on inside his life! Now, he will tell me everything from having a cold to last year when he had a deep depressive reaction to his job. He does not feel exposed, like he does showing his weak spots to most people. His family is a couple of tough nuts, even the women, so I totally see where this type of attitude comes from.

I simply told SO: I miss you. I miss you when you dont share what goes on in your life. I feel very alone when I can't tell what is going on with you. You don't have to tell me everything, but enough so that I don't wonder how you are doing and why. You are so amazing that I feel lonely when I dont have you close. I want all of you, not just the easy parts.

But it is also a thing that has to be proven. I know with SO, he used these 3 years to feel comfortable with me. I guess I too have opend up more over time, it is a mutual thing.

[mochabeans]

The two of you are still fairly new. This is the process of learning how the other communicates. He might not be as open. There may be questions that you can ask to encourage communication. Trust takes time. When I was new in my relationship, I would often confide in friends and family before I discussed heavy topics with my new girlfriend. I didn't feel it was her responsibility to take on all of my problems. It's okay, especially in the beginning, to gradually learn how the other person communicates.

It's okay to take it down a notch and see how the other person communicates. Dating is about learning about each other. I would suggest that you discuss how you would prefer to communicate. See what he says. Open up a conversation to see if the two of you are on different pages, or if ya'll are so far apart that there is no room for compromise.

Some people do take longer than others to open up. Sometimes slower is better. It took me a lot of years to learn that some people take time to open up, and that it can really be worth it to talk to my partner to see how she prefers to communicate.

It's true that this is still a very new relationship and we don't know each other all that well yet compared to other couples. But, I don't know how to change that. When we were friends I assumed that what I saw was what I would get, and that was someone who was very playful, kind, and eager to spend time together. That our relationship would be that plus more honesty, sincerity, and openness.

We barely talk, so how am I supposed to get to know him better as a significant other? Here's an example of our relationship right now.

Because we've been going 1-2 days at a time with only a handful of messages exchanged per day, I asked him if how little we talked bothered him. He said a little. We agreed that we're both introverts and don't need to talk every day, but on my suggestion that we'd try for more actual time together, especially voice chat.

I suggested last night as a game night for us and was excited to just sit down and talk in a call.

We barely talked the whole night and he quit early because the game was stressing him out, and he was stressed about real-life. He wasn't interested in flirting, which is of course fine. Some people don't want that when they're stressed. I suggested two other games and he wasn't interested. We sat quietly for a while and then I ended the call to get ready for bed.

I wound up staying up a few hours later because I was upset, and the whole time he was playing a single-player game. I showed polite interest in his screenshots of what he was building but felt very bitter because I felt I couldn't compete with the game for his attention and energy, and he was unavailable even on our scheduled date night. Time and energy for the game, none for me.

We did have a discussion and what I've relayed here is essentially what was said. He's just been having a hard time and doesn't know why he's so withdrawn, he struggles to get interested in things right now, and doesn't know what to say about it. Being around me cheers him up and I'm happy to help, but I feel lonely because I'm not getting the talking or affection I seek in a romantic relationship.

It doesn't need to be deep, dark childhood secrets. Just actual conversations and not game commentary or brief small talk.

[Chris516]

On my phone so it's hard to use quotes.

He hasn't suggested I find someone else or anything like that. He reassures me that he cares but he still spends more time playing a video game than paying attention to me, and goes to bed with me still upset and confused. I feel easily forgotten about.

I care about him but not enough to go through maybe 3 months, 6 months, or more of a relationship before understanding this is just how he is. I don't want to be like my mother and spend a large portion of my life in a relationship with someone who makes a better friend, and unhappy the whole time.

Thank Heavens he is not married to you. Because you are being blatantly selfish. You sound very similar to my (ex)wife!! Who wanted my (physical)health issues to "just go away"!!!

His lack of communication is not good. But so is your expectation, that he be perfect!!!

[R&R]

Thank Heavens he is not married to you. Because you are being blatantly selfish. You sound very similar to my (ex)wife!! Who wanted my (physical)health issues to "just go away"!!!

His lack of communication is not good. But so is your expectation, that he be perfect!!!

Don't be so harsh, Chris. IMHO, you read way too much into some things and almost take them personally because they give you a flashback to an ex. These people on here aren't your ex's, so let's take it down a notch.

OP: Dating someone, even long distance, is a time to find out if you are compatible. This can be about activities, how much time you spend together, communication, views on life, etc. If you don't mesh with someone, then you move on. It's rare anyone ever finds that person on the first try. If there are things that you find that just don't work for you, then you have every right to move forward and find someone who is more compatible with your needs in a relationship.....and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Thank Heavens he is not married to you. Because you are being blatantly selfish. You sound very similar to my (ex)wife!! Who wanted my (physical)health issues to "just go away"!!!

His lack of communication is not good. But so is your expectation, that he be perfect!!!

How is she being selfish? She isn't demanding that he talk to her 24/7, just asking for a little bit of attention, something we all want from our partners. In the beginning especially he should be eager to talk to her, he doesn't even dedicate their chat time to her, he is playing a game instead of putting it aside for a little while. I wanted to vid chat w/a guy I used to date and talk about my concerns, during that time he was distracted playing a game. A person could confess their feelings of love to you until the end of the world, but if they don't make the time for them, they don't really care.

[mochabeans]

I'm not really interested in other people's drama here, to be honest.

Don't be so harsh, Chris. IMHO, you read way too much into some things and almost take them personally because they give you a flashback to an ex. These people on here aren't your ex's, so let's take it down a notch.

OP: Dating someone, even long distance, is a time to find out if you are compatible. This can be about activities, how much time you spend together, communication, views on life, etc. If you don't mesh with someone, then you move on. It's rare anyone ever finds that person on the first try. If there are things that you find that just don't work for you, then you have every right to move forward and find someone who is more compatible with your needs in a relationship.....and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I think I'll give it a few weeks just to be fair and not make any hasty decisions. Discussing anything with him is difficult, though. He even says he's afraid to be affectionate because he's afraid I'll get bored of it.

I honestly don't know how to handle all of this.

[Chris516]

How is she being selfish? She isn't demanding that he talk to her 24/7, just asking for a little bit of attention, something we all want from our partners. In the beginning especially he should be eager to talk to her, he doesn't even dedicate their chat time to her, he is playing a game instead of putting it aside for a little while. I wanted to vid chat w/a guy I used to date and talk about my concerns, during that time he was distracted playing a game. A person could confess their feelings of love to you until the end of the world, but if they don't make the time for them, they don't really care.

The OP is being selfish. In that, the s/o told the OP, he doesn't want to burden the OP with his problems. So, Instead of being critical for his not talking his problems out. The OP asking the s/o if the games somehow help with his mood.

My s/o doesn't say much on the phone. But we do talk daily. It may only be 15mins. of a 60min. phone call. But I don't care. We talk more in person anyway. We do ask about each other's day, and talk about anything else. She will be watching tv, because I can hear it in the background. If she is watching a re-run of 'Alice' or 'Threes Company'. Instead of getting bent out of shape about it, I tried to visualize the episode in my mind.

The OP could sort of get into her o/s's gaming, almost like they were playing the game together. My s/o doesn't like M*A*S*H. When I first told my s/o that I have the whole series on DVD, she was negative about it. But her answer was such, that I couldn't help but laugh. Not at her, but her choice of words. So, My s/o cares. She expresses it differently.

When I was there in September, she would watch soaps during the day, then the evening was time with me. I paid for all the dinners out, and the movies. Because I wanted to. It wasn't as a way of saying thanks for letting me stay with her. It was because I wanted to treat her. To treat her like a lady. When I go out there in January for her birthday, I hope I can make it a surprise for her. Even though we will be going to HomeTown Buffet and it isn't a four-star restaurant, I don't care. Just spending time with her, is what counts.

[Chris516]

Don't be so harsh, Chris. IMHO, you read way too much into some things and almost take them personally because they give you a flashback to an ex. These people on here aren't your ex's, so let's take it down a notch.

No, They aren't my (ex)wife, or my (ex)fiance. But, Remembering the behavior of both. I choose whether it is worth speaking up. Unfortunately, That can be invariably like saying what the OP said is not worth my time.

[ethelynn]

I have been in a similar situation where my ex was having tons of stress and being withdrawn. Definitely not the way anyone wants to feel in the first weeks of their relationship. I have battled depression over half of my life and I have had some pretty bad patches. I always try to make sure I communicate how i feel and try my best to focus on the time we have a date night. As it is such a new relationship, you need to figure out what it is you need yourself at minimum and then see if he can offer you that, especially when he is feeling down. Has he always been like this or has it been happening in the last week or two? Can you still see the qualities you got together with him for?