Starting a LDR, what do you wish you'd known?

[Jadegirl]

I was in a 3-4 year long CD relationship that went international LD and did not work out.

Now I have been in a 3 year relationship that was international LD the whole time.

The difference between these two relationships were:
- in the CD relationship we were used to being very physical, that did not easily translate when going LD. We had not even been apart more than one week the whole relationship. We also did not think we needed to restructure our relationship
- Now there is much better techonology to stay in touch, as most people have computers with internet and smart phones. Back then, we did not have Skype and the mobile to mobile reception was terrible. The first thing SO and I did, was getting smart phones.
- I did not have a site like this to go to when local people did not understand my feelings about the relationship
- frankly I think I was just luckly that there was more trust in the 2nd one

As most people will tell you, you are lucky to have a timeline and a not too long one at that. But you are also not that lucky because a shorter timelime gives you less time to get used to the rythm of a long distance relationship. For me, it took 6 months to really get the "feel" of LDR. You will do the "speed version" of LD which has advantages and drawbacks.

What helped me was:
Skyping - taking lots of pics - doing everything DUY I could think of - plan visits - buy/make presents and letters - trying to figure out a plan for our relationship - trying to find out stuff to do for myself (in my case, I started a new job! I also continued doing NGO work, working out, seeing my friends et). - thinking of memories we had made or would make - of course visiting

This is interesting, I hadn't really thought about the rythm of a LDR before and its pros and cons, and excellent advice, thank you

[Jadegirl]

you r getting good advice. doing the things you love, keep your friends, always say good morning via text or whatever and good night. Keep humor in your notes. B a little sexy if you want. Share interesting articles, pictures of where you are, food you eat. Send a surprise in real mail, maybe a cotton ball wrapped with your perfume. Have fun with it.

Thank you !!!

[Jadegirl]

My bf and I dated for 3 months before we turned LD. The biggest advice I would give is to let yourself feel the emotions as they come. It's okay to not be strong at times and it's okay to have breakdowns. The idea is you care about the relationship a lot and pushing those sad emotions away will not help make it any easier. After a visit with my bf, I normally have a pretty weak 24 hours. But once I let myself feel those emotions, I begin looking to the next time we're going to see eachother (or talk on the phone or Skype). It's all about being positive but don't feel like a failure if you have some low moments. The four months that we've been LD have actually gone surprisingly quick! Good luck!

Thank you! This makes me feel a lot more optimistic about it !

[Jadegirl]

Yes, people differ on the emotions thing. And it might change. I used to like sit down and cry more regularily before. Like after a visit I would cry, even violently. I was super sad in airports and would even cry the whole time back. Now after a visit I am mostly just very tired from the journey and I go on with my life, but all of a sudden I am in the bathroom, see the perfume he bought me and I start to cry for no reason and context at all. It is more like a silent river that sometimes comes out on the ground. The most important thing is; try to strike a balance where you visit the place of sadness but you don't live there. Remember that every weird feeling you might have is probably normal. And that as long as you keep exchanging bits of what is going on - practically in your lives, and emotionally in your hearts - you can be on board with each other.

I'll try and keep this in mind, thank you

[Jadegirl]

For me the biggest thing was understanding the fear and anxiety, and then being able to let that go. After all this time, I still struggle with it, but thankfully very rarely. It's important to sit down and discuss your expectations, your fears, your desire, etc. Are you worried he will see other people? or are you worried you will be tempted? If you both are worried about the same things, then that's a good starting point to understanding that you're on the same page. Someone once told me that worrying is like praying for something bad to happen. Have faith in yourself and each other first, everything works out the way it should in the end. 6 months isn't as long as it sounds... it will be difficult, but quicker than you realize.

Thank you for your kind words, we should definitely sit down and discuss all this. I definitely have worries but this gives me more of an idea of how to deal with them.

[Honour]

I won't lie, I've been in several LDRs since I was 16, and I've only had 1 relationship CD that destroyed my trust and faith in the now-ex, not to mention guys in general, so for me... I would say the biggest things for me would be learning to trust all over again, discovering if said-partner is the right one for me and has the willpower and the wanting to fight against the distance, and that the relationship will not be a one-sided affair. It doesn't matter if you're in your first LDR or if you're in your 5th.... distance sucks no matter what and however prepared you might be, if your said-partner isn't willing to fight, to make things work, to sacrifice and compromise, and isn't trustworthy, no amount of fighting on your part will save it.

[Chris516]

I won't lie, I've been in several LDRs since I was 16, and I've only had 1 relationship CD that destroyed my trust and faith in the now-ex, not to mention guys in general

Hmmmm.......