Something major needs to happen but we don't know what

[JethroBombs]

My boyfriend is 18, and lives in the US. I'm 19 and live in Canada. Boyfriend is still in high school and lives with his mom and brother, does not have a job (has never had one before), and lives in a poverty setting.
We met while I was still in college, about 6 months ago, but since then I have dropped out and moved back in with my parents. I currently have a part time job and come from a family that is more financially stable than my SO. I also have clinical depression, and severe anxiety and am on medication for both.

So basically the pickle we are in, is that I'm at a very low point in my life with my life almost in danger from my depression. Even though I am currently trying to get the help I need, I don't have the physical support of my SO here with me. (I need him here with me in person, not just over skype or text. The joy it would bring me to be able to hug him would significantly increase my happiness and give me that extra push to help me get out of rock bottom). He told me he could convince his mom to let him come visit me at Xmas, and I got my hopes up high that I would get to see him again soon. Then he got into a fight with his mom, and got my hopes up even higher that he might drop out of school and come live with me while getting his GED. I had my hopes up, and that was what helped me through a week of work and not doing something rash with my life. He kinda crushed me, and totally let me down by saying none of this was going to work, and we should plan to see each other in March, over 4 months away. I also am the one who pays for all these trips, and that adds tons of stress on me as plane tickets are really expensive. I really need to see him, and it's been almost 2 months since our last visit (which was the 2nd time we met).

My depression and anxiety are just getting worse and worse because we can't decide if he should risk coming to visit me at Yule and possibly get kicked out of the house by his mom, if he should drop out and move in with me and get his GED, or if we should just stop contact and let out lives move on until he graduates and starts enlisting in the military.

Edit: Forgot to mention that his family does not like me, and visiting him is not an option

[R&R]

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I have never dealt with depression, but I am sure there are many here who will be able to give you advice regarding that. From what many have posted previously, it is important that you don't rely on others to pull you out of the depression but to be able to work with a professional to help you learn to do this on your own but with support of those who love you.

As far as him being able to just move to Canada, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. There is a lot of red tape regarding Visas that can take quite some time and money. I would not count on that as an option.

As difficult as it may be, this is part of being an adult. You have to take on the responsibility for your actions and do the correct things, no matter how hard it may be. He may not be able to come out at Christmas as he lives with his parents, is still in school and currently needs to abide by their rules. Until he can graduate, get a job (or join the military) and be out on his own, he is in the position of pretty much everyone his age. He shouldn't risk a safe place to stay and his future (schooling, etc) to come visit. I know that's hard to hear, but if you love him you will also want him to do the right thing.

[Harlequin]

I agree with R&R, so I'm not going to parrot what she said. I'm just gonna address some other things:

He needs to finish high school and get his high school diploma. In a country where a bachelor's degree is rapidly becoming ineffective in the job market, he needs to make sure he hits the right marks--that includes getting a proper diploma. It comes across as very selfish when you're hoping that he'll give up his high school education, and get a less impactful degree, in order to move to you. You're putting your mental health on him, and that's not healthy for either of you.

Furthermore, you're going to need to get used to not seeing him for long stretches of time if he's joining the military. He's going to get deployed, and depending on his job, his deployments can last for several months. He can't just take time off to see you whenever, and even planned trips can get cancelled at a moment's notice. He could go to visit you for a week, and have to leave after a day of being with you, because the military needs him to be somewhere. Even if you get married, you'll still have to deal with the deployments. He's not always going to be around. As for basic training, he won't even be allowed to have his phone for 99% of the time. If he DOES get his phone and he's allowed to make personal calls, they're only going to be a few short minutes. You're gonna have to rely on snail mail for communication, and even then he won't get to write you as often as either of you will like. Military relationships are HARD. They're lonely, they're stressful, they're unpredictable, and they require both parties to be strong on their own. You need to be okay with the fact that you're coming second to the government until his contract is up. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet, and do what needs to be done on your own.

Edit: Also, depending on where his duty station is, you might not be able to move with him even if you're married. There's nothing wrong with wanting love and support from your s/o, but don't rely on him or his presence to make everything better. Do what you need to do on your own in order to pull through these dark periods. That's a skill you're absolutely going to need if you're going to be in a military relationship.

[Chris516]

You had anxiety and depression before him, and you will still have it if the relationship were to end via a breakup.

I hope you didn't tell your S/O to drop out of high school, get a GED, and move to Canada. Those are definitely good reasons for your S/O's family to be mad at you.

1. If he were drop out of high school. He would be shooting his future in the foot. Yes he could try to get a GED. But telling him to drop out. Makes no sense.

2. It is totally and unequivocally, unfair of you. To think that his physical presence will make your anxiety and depression better to cope with. That is essentially throwing a guilt trip at him.

3. You don't realize what is involved in just visiting Canada, to say nothing of becoming a citizen. Pre-9/11 border security is nothing, compared post-9/11 border security. While the U.S. Customs & Border Patrol, does not patrol the entire U.S.-Canada border. Like they do with the U.S.-Mexico border. Just to get into Canada, a U.S. citizen will need their U.S. passport, and a tourist visa. To become a citizen, the Canadian government will not approve any application for citizenship. That does not have a justified reason, like escaping war in the home country.

[R&R]

You had anxiety and depression before him, and you will still have it if the relationship were to end via a breakup.

I hope you didn't tell your S/O to drop out of high school, get a GED, and move to Canada. Those are definitely good reasons for your S/O's family to be mad at you.

1. If he were drop out of high school. He would be shooting his future in the foot. Yes he could try to get a GED. But telling him to drop out. Makes no sense.

2. It is totally and unequivocally, unfair of you. To think that his physical presence will make your anxiety and depression better to cope with. That is essentially throwing a guilt trip at him.

3. You don't realize what is involved in just visiting Canada, to say nothing of becoming a citizen. Pre-9/11 border security is nothing, compared post-9/11 border security. While the U.S. Customs & Border Patrol, does not patrol the entire U.S.-Canada border. Like they do with the U.S.-Mexico border. Just to get into Canada, a U.S. citizen will need their U.S. passport, and a tourist visa. To become a citizen, the Canadian government will not approve any application for citizenship. That does not have a justified reason, like escaping war in the home country.

.
You don't need a tourist Visa to visit. I went to Canada earlier this year and I only needed my passport. However, if he were looking to stay, he would need a Visa. There are different kinds of Visa's to stay, such as a work Visa. There is a lot of red tape and money involved. I think Mims could say a lot as her wife moved to Canada to be with her and they are still going through the process.

[hmrambling]

I came here to suggest that you do not put your mental health in whether you do or do not have a partner there to physically and emotionally support you. You mental welfare is yours to tend to, and to suggest to him that if only he could be there to hold you or hug you, then you would get better is sort of manipulation.

Sure, everyone feels better when they are held. I do. However, it would be unfair to my partner to say to her, "if only you could be here then I would be able to be mentally healthy." My mental health cannot depend on my partner. My partner is human. Humans will always let us down.

My partner needs to work and be there for her family. I cannot rely on her to be there for me all of the time. Nor can the state of my mental health rely on her being there for me all of the time.

I encourage you to focus on your own mental health. I worked on my own mental health and recovery in many areas with a support network of my therapist, friends, and family. I also attended support groups.

Your mental health cannot solely rely on your partner being there, nor should it rely on your partner being there.

[Chris516]

OP, I thought of something else. My (ex)fiance is Bi-Polar II. During the relationship, I actively supported her, even by going to some of her psych appointments with her. Not to make sure she didn't lie to her therapist. But to actively support her in her battle with Bi-Polar Disorder. Because that is how much I loved her. Because her Bi-Polar Disorder is not her name. It is something she has, but it is not her name.

Your s/o would need to approach your mental health. Like I approached my (ex)fiance's Bi-Polar Disorder. Where he mentally separates you from your mental health issues, and keeps in mind that, they are not you name. But something you have.