facebook problems again

[Littlewhiteflower]

Hello,

I have a problem in link with my SO and facebook. We fight a lot on the subject, which made us deleting our account this week. We reactivated it yesterday.

What makes me fight is that he never sign off which make me worry he could talk with other girls. There is particularly one girl on his facebook who likes all his pics and it makes me worry. She is friend with him since a few weeks only and lives not far from him and somehow, that makes me stress as I'm away. He is slow to answer to my texts in the evening too when we can talk because he is on FB as well. Yesterday, when he reactivated his account, he posted a lot of stuff. I commented one of his pictures but he did not react. He never reacts when I comment indeed which I don't do often. He doesn't even like my comment, but he likes what his other friends write.

He doesn't want us to be ''official'' on it either as for him, it is just ''show off'' and his life must stay ''private''. I don't understand and I worry. Sometimes I feel like he wants to hide me to the rest of his family or friends. He says that his parents, sister and best friend know about me but one day, I asked if I could send a message to his sister because I had a question about a gift, he told me to ask him directly as if he did not want me to communicate with her. When I ask him if I could add her on Facebook, he said she never added his friends, so It meant nothing to try it (but she is friend with his ex that she never met which is weird for me).

I try to trust him the best that I can, but all this facebook thing is starting to destroy everything. Often too, he tells me he goes to sleep. When I wake up the next morning, I realize he was on facebook long time after he told me that. The other day, he told me he would have a nap. He wasn't online on facebook. So, I did not text him. When he went back online, I sent him a message to know what he was up to and he said ''Was asleep but you woke me up'' and I did not like the fact that he treated me like a total idiot, because he was clearly not asleep anymore since a long time. After, he tells me he is hurt because I doubt of him or says he lies. I never said that and I feel really badly about how he makes me feel.

We argued very often because of facebook. Our last fight was kind of horrible and we almost broke up. I know I should let him breath a little, stop stalking him, stop worrying about every little details, but I can't help it. I'm away and I'm scared to lose him. I don't want to bring up that subject with him as he threatens me of deleting everything (and me) every time I go back on the subject. I feel like I'm walking on eggs now as he clearly told me that next time I reacted insecured or jealous, it would be finished.

I just wanted to know if you thought all this was rather odd or if there was something to do with that. When he deleted his facebook account, he kept messenger, but he was never online. So, it made me believe he was honest although he could have used snapchat or another apps to text his friends / or a possible other girl.

He is coming here soon for the first time.. Normally, he talks a lot about his trips on the social media and he said nothing about it this time. He is keeping everything secret and I don't know how to deal with that. I really tried to bring up the subject with him, he said I worried for stupidities and should grow up. So, I stopped the conversation.

What should I do? Should I just forget all this facebook thing? It really make me anxious and starting to affect me. I don't know how to deal with that.

[Shirona]

You need to let both yourself and him breathe. Right now you do not trust him, possibly because of your insecurities and being afraid of getting betrayed. But in reality, instead of protecting yourself, you're sabotaging your own relationship and pushing him away. Which might later act as self-fulfillment, in the sense that your actions will lead him to react in ways that you'll later percieve as a confirmation of your fears.

For example, have you considered that maybe he lies to you about going to sleep, because if he lets you know he'll be on facebook, you might freak out? He wants to spend time socializing with other people as well (yes, even instead of talking to you, which I know from experience can hurt, but it's perfectly acceptable and even expected).

You say you worry he might talk to other girls. So? Let him. As long as it doesn't progress to anything else, it shouldn't matter. But even if it does matter to you, you have no right to dictate who he talks to. You can let him know that it makes you uncomfortable, but at the end of the day, it's his choice; and it should be.

Anyway, point is, you need to work on yourself and your insecurities. You need to learn to trust him if you want this relationship to continue. And even if something is actually off, I can still percieve that you have personal issues of insecurity and I think they'd be there regardless of who you were with. It won't be easy though, overcoming those problems. It will take a lot of effort and there'll be times you'll slip and times you'll fuck up, but. I think it will make you way happier in the end, whether your current relationship lasts or not.

All this, by the way, is coming from someone extremely insecure, that even after months of effort, I still can't control it well and I still haven't overcome it completely. So trust that I know what it's like. I just think that my own personal problems should be dealt by me, without expecting my partner to cater to them all the time. Because at some point, I might end up asking for completely irrational things and will excuse myself in every occassion, expecting from my partner to understand. I think insecurities can blind you to how entitled you can become.

I think it would also be useful to start keeping a journal if you find yourself unable to control your emotions. Write down your fears and worries and then try to counter them with reasonable arguments. See which ones are actual problems and which ones you're letting your own insecurities create.

And one last thing I'd like to offer as advice. It's "innocent until proven guilty". Trust that he won't do anything, that he won't cheat on you. Otherwise you're acting as if he has already cheated, which makes his innocence completely null. So you can choose between trust and between constant fear, and a relationship that ultimately is destroyed by the concept of cheating, regardless of whether it's actually happened or not.

Of course, I feel like at the same time you should take care of yourself and not disregard everything as something that has simply stemmed from your insecurities. You need to find a balance and find a way to recognize when it's reality speaking and when it's just your personal issues.

I'm sorry this is so long, I had a lot to say. I hope it was at least a bit helpful.

[hmrambling]

I know I should let him breath a little, stop stalking him, stop worrying about every little details, but I can't help it.

Yes, you can help it. Don't stalk him on facebook or micromanage his time.

I'm away and I'm scared to lose him. I don't want to bring up that subject with him as he threatens me of deleting everything (and me) every time I go back on the subject. I feel like I'm walking on eggs now as he clearly told me that next time I reacted insecured or jealous, it would be finished.

Perhaps you can work on your own insecurity and jealousy. Trust is earned over time. I wouldn't trust my SO if she was constantly snooping in my business. When I say I am going to bed, I am genuinely going to bed. I'm certain that there have been times that I left an app open or was logged onto facebook when I went to sleep. If my SO accused me of messaging girls when I was actually asleep, we would definitely have issues. That's not trust. My SO is not my parent, she's my partner. There is a difference.

You are even speculating that he uses other apps. Are you going to ban him from all online usage and app usage? If so, do you think that is a reasonable request/demand.

Step back and read your own post.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I'm 100% conscious I'm jealous,insecured and have trust issues. I never asked him to delete anything. He deleted his facebook because he was mad at me. I even asked him to reactivate it because I felt shameful and I asked him pardon. So no, I won't ban him from all online usage.

Thanks for your reply though.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I never realized he could say that to avoid me to freak out. That is logical.
Thanks for all your advices. It's really helpful and I appreciate it.

[R&R]

My SO (husband) and I aren't even on each others FB. Will we be someday - yeah, maybe. But we do not need to have that be a part of us or to prove who we are to each other or the world. When I'm there, he is on it and may ask me to look something up for him. I have ex's as friends on mine. My FB is pretty much always open and he can access it anytime he wants when we visit. How can we do this? It's called trust. On FB, in the store, at a job, at a restaurant - there are tons of places me or my SO could meet other people to talk. Granted, his kids, family and friends know all about me, but I'm not FB friends with any of them either. We just keep that part of our lives separate.

We have to have trust and believe in our SO's. I will always trust until given a real reason not to. And, if he ever cheated, well he'd be gone and I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. But instead of worrying about things that are probably never going to happen, it's better to have faith in him and believe what he says.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

I can understand where you are coming from, but you need to stop stalking him on FB. A lot of couples don't display their relationship on FB, its not necessary and doesn't mean he cares about you any less. My ex and I were official on FB, he posted a lot about us, but that didn't count for anything because he didn't make me happy. My current Bf and I don't have our relationship status showing, we have pictures of each other, but we don't obsessively post about each other. I know that he cares about me though and FB has very little to do in a relationship. It can be stressful seeing your SO actively posting on FB while they are not answering you texts or messages. I used stress over this, but I never told my SO about because I was afraid he would think I'm stalking and watching him and now I barely pay any attention to it. If your Bf was to cheat, he can do so outside of FB. You cannot control his every move and if you try you will drive him away.

[Chris516]

My SO (husband) and I aren't even on each others FB. Will we be someday - yeah, maybe. But we do not need to have that be a part of us or to prove who we are to each other or the world. When I'm there, he is on it and may ask me to look something up for him. I have ex's as friends on mine. My FB is pretty much always open and he can access it anytime he wants when we visit. How can we do this? It's called trust. On FB, in the store, at a job, at a restaurant - there are tons of places me or my SO could meet other people to talk. Granted, his kids, family and friends know all about me, but I'm not FB friends with any of them either. We just keep that part of our lives separate.

We have to have trust and believe in our SO's. I will always trust until given a real reason not to. And, if he ever cheated, well he'd be gone and I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. But instead of worrying about things that are probably never going to happen, it's better to have faith in him and believe what he says.

OP, I agree with everything said here. Trust is key. I would add, avoiding jealousy(not saying you are, just including it) of your s/o's previous relationships. My (ex)fiance was jealous because I didn't 'gush' about her, like I did an ex. In one respect she had a right to be jealous. But jealousy is trying to compete with the s/o's past. That is where the trust is key. Trust, and you won't be jealous. Jealous, then you won't trust.

[differentcountries]

If you are not official, i can understand why he feels a need to not like your comments and also does not talk about the trip.

For us, I am just generically "married" on Facebook, it does not say to whom. Also, we dont comment on each other's stuff a lot either, and hardly ever in a lovey dovey way - as do none of his family members. They may post pics, nothing more. We send private messages or use phone apps and Skype.

If you micromanage people, they will lie to you just to get to breathe. I used to lie to my ex even when I had done nothing wrong, just to get away from the micro managing and my ex wanting me to "prove" I was not cheating.

Hope your visit turns out fine, perhaps things seem different once you have met in person, but I am sure you get this is something that should build about building mutual trust and you are a part of that, it is not all up to him

[sasad]

I'm going to go the other way with this...
I don't do much posting on FB about anything personal in my life, but I do have my SO's family as friends.. I would be a little upset that he shut me down on everything for family and stuff too. I get where you are coming from.
Talking to the opposite sex... That is gonna happen every day of both of your lives. There is no way you can really avoid that at all, so that is an unreasonable worry. I have more male friends then female, part of that is because of my chosen field. Its male dominated. So, that is a trust thing.

I can understand how you are going down that road. I see where its all the little things becoming a bigger issue. Have you met any of his family at all? Do you skype ?

I don't get the threats though. That is not a mature way for either of you to handle a relationship. It almost sounds like 12 year olds having a disagreement. You all should be able to talk this through without deleting and doing tit for tat actions.

I really don't have any other advise except trust your gut on reasonable stuff. If it is making you uncomfortable, then get out of that relationship.

[hmrambling]

To save your marriage, UNFRIEND your partner on Facebook: Therapist warns that social media can be toxic to a relationship

I heard DJs talking about this on the radio, and it sounds reasonable.

[leilad]

I like FB but don't want to be addicted to it. I asked my guy to be friends and sent him an e mail saying he might not like that so don't bother being friemds if he doesn't want to for his privacy. I should have asked him first. He doesn't use FB a lot. A month later he accepted my friendship. I am careful what I post as my son reads my posts. I like to put pics of us on it, some are humorous. We both like to see people's responses. We have checked out each other's friends. Like he read up on my x man friend, my Guy thinks he even looks a little like him. Doesn't matter to me if we are friends there or not. One thought for you is to unfriend him and tell him you are giving him his privacy. Technologies have given us so many ways into people's lives. We get more of what we want by not giving demands. For example my guy has a best friend who is a lady. he is not sexually involved, they were in the same kindergarten class. He has not told her about me cause she doesn't have a boy friend and he doesn''t want to hurt her feelings. If he does not tell her Friday when they are going to an event, I iwll just tell him that I feel disrespected and that I am a secret and her feelings are more important than mine. not true but that is how I feel. That he is free to do what he wants but to save my sanity and the relationship I don't want to hear her name mentioned again unless she knows I exist. Then I will let it go, I can't force him. he will eventually tell her, he always does the right thing. He knows how I feel about this, if I harp on it, It will bommerang back on me. When you trust peope to do the right thing, it works out better. I know if I left my journal around he would never look into it. I have never looked to see if he has been on the singles dating site. For all I know he might write to another gal in another counrty as friends. Why go there, what we have is enough to deal with, mostly we are very good and I can't mess it up. Be the power of example of how to live. Learn about self esteem. Our relationships should make us love ourselves more being surrounded by their love.

[sasad]

To save your marriage, UNFRIEND your partner on Facebook: Therapist warns that social media can be toxic to a relationship

I heard DJs talking about this on the radio, and it sounds reasonable.

First, that is not the most credible web page as it is a tabloid site.
Secondly, Unfriending your spouse is not the reason solid relationships will fail/succeed. That is a trust and communication and other smorgasbord of issues causing failures.

Most people in a good trusting relationship don't stalk, spy, check phone messages, emails etc.

[hmrambling]

First, that is not the most credible web page as it is a tabloid site.
Secondly, Unfriending your spouse is not the reason solid relationships will fail/succeed. That is a trust and communication and other smorgasbord of issues causing failures.

Most people in a good trusting relationship don't stalk, spy, check phone messages, emails etc.

OP cites Facebook as a problem in the relationship. The therapist in the article has research behind her theory. You will find that MANY legitimate websites are having this same discussion about unfriending partners and spouses, and there is research behind it. There are plenty of reasons research companies are looking at social media and technology, and the effects that they have on relationships.

Even if OP unfriends her SO, she still needs to deal with her own insecurity.

[Littlewhiteflower]

Thank you all for your messages. Everyone seems to have a different point of view about facebook.

I thought about unfriending him just to avoid me to stress about it, but I don't think that's the best idea. That's the place where we share pictures together and with the rest of the world. Somehow, it keeps us connected.
Yesterday, I called my boyfriend and he mentioned he was going to sleep to his ex's house before coming here (she lives 45 min away from the airport while he lives almost 3h away.) I told him that it was better for me if he kept some things for himself, that I would prefer not to know everything as it is a source of worries for me. He understood and told me there was nothing to worry about as she had a boyfriend. I asked him not to tell me everything until now and I think that it will be fine.

We did not talk of facebook again and I did not ask him why he did not like my comment on his picture. I never do it a lot. The fact that he doesn't respond is something that is bothering me a little bit, but I think that I can understand he does not need to do it.

For the facebook status, I think I wanted us to be ''official'' on it as a way to feel more secured about us, but that is not a ''status'' that will prevent him to cheat. I just have to trust me more or to trust him more.

I wrote this thread right after a big fight and was panicked. Now that I breathed a little, I feel a bit more calm about all this. I would like to answer everyone of your messages, but I think I would repeat myself.
He is coming in 9 days and I hope that this trip can help us to build a bit of trust in our relationships. I'm impatient to see him.

Thanks again.. all your messages were appreciated.