Irrational Jealousy

[Elisabeth]

So far, my relationship with my SO has been going great. However, since spending a lot more time with him in person, I've noticed myself getting jealous over the people he talks to online. There's no rational explanation for it as my SO clearly considers me more important than them. For example, yesterday, we spent several hours watching Netflix together, and he never once tried to check his computer. I'm perfectly fine with his friends IRL and even enjoy their company, but for some reason, I feel a bit of resentment when he's chatting with this particular group of online acquaintances. I've talked about it with my SO, and he assured me that I'm far more important to him than them, and he doesn't even like half the people in the group. He's only talking to them because he's an old acquaintance of one member. They're mostly older guys, so it's not even an issue of him flirting with other women.

I know I shouldn't be critical of who he talks to or try to control his social life. I've also never told my SO that he should stop talking to them, only that they give me a weird first impression--very serious compared to my SO's personality and standoff-ish. It's not a group that I'm welcome to join or interact with because there would be a clash in their group dynamics with my personality. I can live with that as there are some social circles I'm in where my SO wouldn't be entirely welcome.

How can I get past these feelings of jealousy and resentment that are completely unfounded? Rationally, I know they pose no threat to my relationship with my SO, but I still feel weird when he's talking to them.

[Chris516]

So far, my relationship with my SO has been going great. However, since spending a lot more time with him in person, I've noticed myself getting jealous over the people he talks to online. There's no rational explanation for it as my SO clearly considers me more important than them. For example, yesterday, we spent several hours watching Netflix together, and he never once tried to check his computer. I'm perfectly fine with his friends IRL and even enjoy their company, but for some reason, I feel a bit of resentment when he's chatting with this particular group of online acquaintances. I've talked about it with my SO, and he assured me that I'm far more important to him than them, and he doesn't even like half the people in the group. He's only talking to them because he's an old acquaintance of one member. They're mostly older guys, so it's not even an issue of him flirting with other women.

I know I shouldn't be critical of who he talks to or try to control his social life. I've also never told my SO that he should stop talking to them, only that they give me a weird first impression--very serious compared to my SO's personality and standoff-ish. It's not a group that I'm welcome to join or interact with because there would be a clash in their group dynamics with my personality. I can live with that as there are some social circles I'm in where my SO wouldn't be entirely welcome.

How can I get past these feelings of jealousy and resentment that are completely unfounded? Rationally, I know they pose no threat to my relationship with my SO, but I still feel weird when he's talking to them.

You are jealous of the 'unknown'. Don't try to compete with his past, or even his present. Just be you. Be proud of who you are, not jealous of who others' are, or might be.

[sasad]

Is it because he sees them physically and you are ld? Or because he is spending time with them or not you? Or is because you weren't nvited to interact and that bothers you? Or is it online only? Most of us don't like at least 1 friend our SO has, but we deal with it, unless that person is destructive.(that's another story). The thing is, we all are individuals and don't need clones of ourselves. You need to have your friends, his friends and both friends. That's how it should work. You are together to enhance each other, not own each other. Go hang with your friends when he is with his.

[hmrambling]

How Do I Get Over the Insecurity?

Dealing with Jealousy


Search: Keyword(s): jealousy

[Elisabeth]

Is it because he sees them physically and you are ld? Or because he is spending time with them or not you? Or is because you weren't nvited to interact and that bothers you? Or is it online only? Most of us don't like at least 1 friend our SO has, but we deal with it, unless that person is destructive.(that's another story). The thing is, we all are individuals and don't need clones of ourselves. You need to have your friends, his friends and both friends. That's how it should work. You are together to enhance each other, not own each other. Go hang with your friends when he is with his.

These acquaintances are online only. I'm fine with the people he interacts with IRL, and I've met his main friend group. Unfortunately, hanging out with my own friends isn't an option when I'm with him. I don't have any of my own friends where he lives except for people he's introduced me to. Also, he spends a lot more time interacting with me than them, and he will step away from his computer to be with me. Usually, he's only talking to them in the evenings when we're just lounging around and unwinding.

[sasad]

These acquaintances are online only. I'm fine with the people he interacts with IRL, and I've met his main friend group. Unfortunately, hanging out with my own friends isn't an option when I'm with him. I don't have any of my own friends where he lives except for people he's introduced me to. Also, he spends a lot more time interacting with me than them, and he will step away from his computer to be with me. Usually, he's only talking to them in the evenings when we're just lounging around and unwinding.

Ahhh makes sense.. I think that you know its irrational is half the cure so to speak. Write stuff down and figure out what it is that you are actually feeling when this happens. Is it just jealousy? Are you annoyed or angry? Then figure out why... Or just say.. Its so not worth the expenditures of this negative emotion, and let it go.

[kittyxuchiha11]

I know exactly how you feel! For some reason i'm totally okay with her friends IRL and love hearing about the time she spends with them, but as soon as she has online friends to talk to i get weirdly jealous. I'm a bit better with it now but my stomach still does a lil drop when i found out she's made a new online friend, and it took me awhile to realise i feel like this because obviously we met online and i have this very silly fear that if she talks to and becomes good friends with people online she'll fall for them and leave me. It's very irrational fear and i'm being very silly but it's just sort of there you know. It's gotten better with time and i hope your feelings will do the same :3

[Elisabeth]

Ahhh makes sense.. I think that you know its irrational is half the cure so to speak. Write stuff down and figure out what it is that you are actually feeling when this happens. Is it just jealousy? Are you annoyed or angry? Then figure out why... Or just say.. Its so not worth the expenditures of this negative emotion, and let it go.

Thanks for the response. I'm definitely more an analytical sort at the risk of overanalysation. When he's talking to these other people, I feel angry towards them and resent the fact that my SO is paying more attention to them than me. Which is a fairly odd thing for me to be thinking since I've always prided myself on being able to take care of myself and not need other people. Since they're guys, I'm afraid that they can provide some sort of connection and relationship I'll never experience even though I don't feel this way towards his guy friends IRL. To an extent, I'm also afraid that he'll prefer the company of other guys to me even though I know, and he has proved, that this isn't true.

I think the largest source of resentment comes from the fact that these are people I will never have contact with. He's introduced me to some of his other online friends, but to this group, I don't exist. My SO asked me to not make an account on the website or talk to them from his account. I respect his wishes, and though I've been tempted to write something when he's out of the room, I never have. I know he has some social groups that I will never be a part of, and that in itself doesn't bother me.

Though my actual thoughts are considerably more than this, going through why I feel what I do has helped at least identify the problem. I can recognize that some of my fears are completely unfounded, though some have more of a base to stand on. I don't feel as strongly, though I think it'll take some more time for the negative emotions to go away completely.

[sasad]

Thanks for the response. I'm definitely more an analytical sort at the risk of overanalysation. When he's talking to these other people, I feel angry towards them and resent the fact that my SO is paying more attention to them than me. Which is a fairly odd thing for me to be thinking since I've always prided myself on being able to take care of myself and not need other people. Since they're guys, I'm afraid that they can provide some sort of connection and relationship I'll never experience even though I don't feel this way towards his guy friends IRL. To an extent, I'm also afraid that he'll prefer the company of other guys to me even though I know, and he has proved, that this isn't true.

I think the largest source of resentment comes from the fact that these are people I will never have contact with. He's introduced me to some of his other online friends, but to this group, I don't exist. My SO asked me to not make an account on the website or talk to them from his account. I respect his wishes, and though I've been tempted to write something when he's out of the room, I never have. I know he has some social groups that I will never be a part of, and that in itself doesn't bother me.

Though my actual thoughts are considerably more than this, going through why I feel what I do has helped at least identify the problem. I can recognize that some of my fears are completely unfounded, though some have more of a base to stand on. I don't feel as strongly, though I think it'll take some more time for the negative emotions to go away completely.

Ahh so you are a non existent person to that group. Its good you are letting it go. They are just guys on the inet