He might break up before surprise visit...

Hi all,

I'm in a LDR with a Canadian adorable guy, things were official since I met him IRL on september.
I planned a surprise visit on feb (well he knows i'll come but he thinks only from valentine's day to end of feb and i'll be here all feb month) already bought my tickets and booked the airbnb, without any cancellation insurance this time...
And well, everything was ok until mid-november. He used to be texting a lot and talking about how much he wanna see me, being so adorable and supportive to me and talking about what's actually stressing him out (he has many problems - had no work and car's problems etc). But lately... He doesn't speak anymore, he said he needs time for himself, he found a work again that he has not begin yet but soon, thought this would change his mood but not even a lil bit... It's getting worse everyday and I feel like he is cutting himself from the world as he did a year ago and that scares me.
When I tell him about this insecurity he says I'm worrying too much but, instead of being a bit sweet with me he loses his nerves... Everytime something bad happened h over reacted and i was here for him to calm him down but this is my only time being feeling this insecure thing, and he won't just reassure me... He just keeps telling me he needs his time and was used to be alone (then why being all lovey dovey for two months then change from one day to another?).
I really am worried about him... Idk what to do to help and I just feel like shit being this far coz he keeps saying it'll be easier when i'll be here physically....

Do you guys have any advice? I sent him a message with most of our sweetest messages we used to send to each other, telling him to keep them on mind hoping this would bring him smile. And that i would give him time to get his life together and wait for him to get back to me when he feels like it...

Sorry for the long post but I really need your help. His friends even told me he was "fucking up" again (cutting himself from other ppl).

[Rezie]

First of all I'm not a fan of suprise visits and you really need to know your partner so you will know how they react to such thing. But that wasn't really the question.

I feel like he has a tendency to push people away. Maybe you are getting too close and he is scared? I would advise to give him space. Be in contact, talk, text but don't be too sweet and talk about future too much. Maybe see how this would work for a few weeks.

[sasad]

First of all I'm not a fan of suprise visits and you really need to know your partner so you will know how they react to such thing. But that wasn't really the question.

I feel like he has a tendency to push people away. Maybe you are getting too close and he is scared? I would advise to give him space. Be in contact, talk, text but don't be too sweet and talk about future too much. Maybe see how this would work for a few weeks.

I have to agree.. this officially started in September, not even 3 months ago. I also agree with surprise visits...and I think her SO is aware of it, but not the length?

He is under a lot of stress.. no job, car issues, now a job starting soon, no money etc. Does he live at home still? he says he needs time etc. Do NOT keep goin at him as this will only add to his stress. Stop and chill out like he has asked you to. I don't see anywhere in your post that said he wants to break it off, but of you do keep pushing, it will only be a matter of time. You need to learn how to respect boundaries as hard as it is. Find some other stuff to keep you busy. Hang with friends, hobbies, anything to keep your life going.

[Evylania]

I have to agree.. this officially started in September, not even 3 months ago. I also agree with surprise visits...and I think her SO is aware of it, but not the length?

He is under a lot of stress.. no job, car issues, now a job starting soon, no money etc. Does he live at home still? he says he needs time etc. Do NOT keep goin at him as this will only add to his stress. Stop and chill out like he has asked you to. I don't see anywhere in your post that said he wants to break it off, but of you do keep pushing, it will only be a matter of time. You need to learn how to respect boundaries as hard as it is. Find some other stuff to keep you busy. Hang with friends, hobbies, anything to keep your life going.

For the surprise it only change the length hmm
I really give him lots of space, i don't care if he takes 4-7 hours to reply it's just the way he does that has change.
But I agree, I will give him even more space and stop overthinking coz I really don't wanna lose him coz of something this stupid.
I already have my work and lots of stuff to do, I don't ask for much more than the good morning and good night messages, I don't ask for him to call me, we only did that three times and I'm ok with it. And I never talk about future unless he does first I just realize that my life was really hard these last days and I was just being too needy even though I didn't see it this way.
I'll keep being supportive to him but won't ask for more than he wanna give me.
Thank you both, I'll really not do the same mistake again!

[hmrambling]

I see that you are looking for reassurance, and that he isn't reassuring you. You also want to help, but don't know how to. I sometimes remind myself that when I am unsure of how to help is to ask how I can help. My SO has a busy schedule and sometimes gets stressed. I can't jump into fix-it mode where I'm trying to figure out what I can do to fix her. I can't fix how busy her schedule is or how stressed she is. In fact, if I start doing a whole bunch of stuff to try to fix it, it might stress her out more. So what I've learned to do is ask, "how can I help?" Sometimes it will take a while for her to think about it, and then she'll let me know what I can do to help. Sometimes she says that there isn't anything that I can do to help. When she says that, I say to myself, "see, even she doesn't know what I can do to help. How in the hell did I think I knew what I could do to help?" Meaning that it would probably be more apparent to her what I could do to help than to me.

Also, when I know that she is stressed, I ask, "do you want me to do such and such?" Instead of just doing whatever it is that I think needs to be done. If I assume that she wants me to do that, then I'm getting in the assuming business, which is not really good either, because people aren't mind readers.

I encourage you to not associate how you feel about yourself with how other people are feeling. I see that you said that you feel like shit because he keeps saying that it will be easier when you're there with him. I was in an LDR where my partner told me that pretty often, too. But being there with her didn't fix communication problems that we had, or any emotional distance that we had between us.

I encourage you to communicate to him what you want and need out of the relationship, and give him the time and space that he is asking for.

Communication issues do not necessarily mean that there will be a break up. Communication issues mean that you two need to work on communication. One can be exclusive of the other.

[Chris516]

Yadda, yadda, about surprise visits being bad. Maybe they are. But maybe they are not.

You already made the reservations, so go.

[sasad]

Yadda, yadda, about surprise visits being bad. Maybe they are. But maybe they are not.

You already made the reservations, so go.

Read the text. Its NOT a surprise visit and there are issues that at happening..

[Rezie]

I have to agree.. this officially started in September, not even 3 months ago. I also agree with surprise visits...and I think her SO is aware of it, but not the length?

He is under a lot of stress.. no job, car issues, now a job starting soon, no money etc. Does he live at home still? he says he needs time etc. Do NOT keep goin at him as this will only add to his stress. Stop and chill out like he has asked you to. I don't see anywhere in your post that said he wants to break it off, but of you do keep pushing, it will only be a matter of time. You need to learn how to respect boundaries as hard as it is. Find some other stuff to keep you busy. Hang with friends, hobbies, anything to keep your life going.

Well for me personally if someone is saying they are staying for 2 weeks and the suprise is that they are staying for 4 weeks might still not be pleasant. But I'm sure people who do this know their partner well enough to know

Anyways as sasad said you keep busy and try not worrry too much. The job may help or it may not. Go on his terms for a while. i know it sucks if you've had hard times and you don't think he has been there for you. Once the dust has settled you can share with him these feelings and have a real conversation about it. See how this goes and then see how to work from there.

[sasad]

Well for me personally if someone is saying they are staying for 2 weeks and the suprise is that they are staying for 4 weeks might still not be pleasant. But I'm sure people who do this know their partner well enough to know

Anyways as sasad said you keep busy and try not worrry too much. The job may help or it may not. Go on his terms for a while. i know it sucks if you've had hard times and you don't think he has been there for you. Once the dust has settled you can share with him these feelings and have a real conversation about it. See how this goes and then see how to work from there.

I totally agree with you. I schedule stuff around visits...while a day or two is ok, staying an extra 2 weeks is pretty major.

[Evylania]

I know him well enough and i'm not imposing myself, i booked something for me then i won't be at his place or anything like this.
I'm letting him space n time and he told me yesterday that he appreciated it. Then I'll continue like this until we can be together again. And even after. And about the 2 extra weeks i already planned my job appointments around here and as i said i have my own place then nothing should be a bother. I don't ask him to be with me all time and will never ask such a thing.
Before planning this surprise I talked about it with his bestfriends who knows him for really long time so they could tell me if it was a good idea or not...

[R&R]

I know him well enough and i'm not imposing myself, i booked something for me then i won't be at his place or anything like this.
I'm letting him space n time and he told me yesterday that he appreciated it. Then I'll continue like this until we can be together again. And even after. And about the 2 extra weeks i already planned my job appointments around here and as i said i have my own place then nothing should be a bother. I don't ask him to be with me all time and will never ask such a thing.
Before planning this surprise I talked about it with his bestfriends who knows him for really long time so they could tell me if it was a good idea or not...

Your plans appear well thought out and that you have made sufficient plans for yourself. It's good that he has acknowledged that you are giving him the space and that he appreciates it. If worst case scenario happened and you did break up before the visit, it still sounds like you would have a lot to do and see if you still went.