His mum gets in our way

[samlaw]

Ive been having a hard time in my current relationship now since it is my first relationship ever. We've been official since nov. 4, 2016. I just turned 19 yrs. Old last dec. 30 2016 and he just turned 20 last aug. 23 2016. The thing is we are both introverted person and have same hobbies and views in life. I am his first gf and he is my first bf. I met him in an online app and it was my first time registering to one he's the first guy i chatted in that app and the first thing i asked him is 'if he loves anime?', and thats it we continued chatting about it further and found more interesting with each other. I deactivated the online app when we further had known each other and same with him.

The longer i talked to him the closer and the more i get attracted to him. Im so inlove of his personality and everything about him. Ive trusted him we are so open with each other and he knows everything about me and vice versa. He's currently living with his mom and thats our issue now. His mom resent him for being lazy and procarstinating when he was still in school since he is always alone in the room a hardcore gamer which both his parents never liked and end up smashing his 3pcs and other gadgets which he personally bought for himself, an anime fan(same as with me)and he doesnt mingle with other girls. He got few confessions from girls in school but he have this idea that relationships are definitely not for him coz in their place when you see an attractive girl you ask her out then usually have sex with her but thats all theres no passion attached or what. So he was really sure he wont be with one and prefered to be alone. He even told me that he have only 10 contacts registered to his phone. My family knows about him and so with him when he told his mom about me she was laughing but stopped when noticed that his son was serious and joked him 'i thought you'll marry your computer'. He told me alot of times that he was not doing his best in school because he is unmotivated and now it all changed when he met me all things are getting clearer for him. He wants to strive hard now and openly told his parents about it and his mom told him its the first time she heard motivation in his voice for years.

Actually we have the same views about relationships but i have somewhat more deep reasons why because of family reason i came from a broken family and never trusted guys but the thing is he changed my views about all guys and now we love each other its just that his mom get in his way by getting his phone and hide it somewhere knowing that he can control his son through it. His mom threatened to break his phone and that made him just do what his mom says play her rules because he have no other ways to contact me since his pcs are all broken. It affected me so much and same with him he has work and now finding a way to move out in his parent's house so he is still saving money for it. He explained to me clearly the struggles we're gonna face and more worst than this but he told me we just need to have faith and be strong. Thats what im holding on but i told him i am emotionally unstable and impulsive person and a pessimistic to be worst but he told me its okay and he will comfort me everytime. And thats always been a fact ive been a bad gf on him and thats what im afraid of he knows im impatient but he trust me to support him and thats what im trying to do right now but still having a hard time.

I'm still studying in a university a medical student and when i graduate he wants to marry me and thats what i'm looking forward to he's part of my life now and will always be. He wanted to go to my place but i told him just save money and be stable i can wait for him. No other guys mattered for me he is a Virgin and so am I. I really think he is destined for me i can see myself beside him with our own family. He gave my very own definition of my perfect guy and btw we never called each other neither any video calls we just send voice messages to each other. He wants me to be comfortable to talk to him in live when the time comes.

We're really both introverted person tbh. I want to know what should i do to adjust in this situation his mom grounding him for i dont know why. Im a clingy person but ill try my best to support him though even it hurts not being able to talk to him. 7days was the very long time we never had in touch but as soon he got his phone he messaged me and we were both emotional ive been waiting for him for 7 days.

Tell me about your thoughts of it im serious about him and so is he. Im an asian btw so pls bear with my english. And my partner is a british

[C.C.]

Few things,
First. Have a video call before meeting at all costs. Even if it's a brief one. I know you both trust each other but it's for safety reasons.
Second, how his mother acts is unacceptable. It is okay to be angry at her son's behaviour, but physically getting in the way and grounding AN ADULT is not. He lives in a toxic environment and he needs to move out.
Third, being clingy isn't a default characteristic you can be ok about and say "I am clingy what can I do". You CAN work on yourself and improve. Question yourself all the time: "it's hard and I feel awful but am I being clingy? Do I have a reason to feel this awful?"

Either way, best of luck. Unaccepting parents are not a new thing in a ldr even if it's decreasing as the time passes. But that's what it is and you have to deal with your current situation.

[Sun_King]

Hi. Nice to see another Newbie and Happy New Year! TBH, this is a pretty emotionally abusive relationship he has with his parents. Not only because of the constant condescension, but because they have NO RIGHT to smash his things, especially things he bought with his own money. He's a legal adult, he should stand up for himself and not allow his parents to subject him to being a doormat and a small child. I know it may be hard for him in their household under their rule so-to-speak, but he needs to get out. If they truly love him they'll be glad to see he is his own person and willing to not accept the abuse. If not, he needs to fight his hardest to escape the situation (moving out). I'm glad you're there for each other, but please be sure you're NOT strictly using each others company to fill a void. Be a complete and an indepedent person(s) on your own merit/terms before inviting in another person in. It will better prepare you for the life to come. Also, be sure to video conference/skype at some point. I'm not accusing him of being a catfish, but besure you're able to apply a face to that pleasant voice you hear. And don't be clingy. We all have insecurities and can have self doubt, but self control and self-reflection is all it really takes. Don't attribute being clingy to being normal/standard couple behaviour.

I speak as a virgin and an introvert myself (with a more extroverted partner), so I can get that security you feel being able to find someone you can really confide in. Lastly, don't think of it as just your "first" relationship, but first and only. Be willing to ride it out and when you're both at a point where you're comfortable, be able to discuss the future. Just my finite experience. Good luck.

[samlaw]

Thank you for the responses ☺☺☺☺ i appreciated it. The last time we talk was during my birthday he said he has a surprise for me but he will give it in the morning since it was sooo late in his time. We have 8hrs diff. Now im still waiting for him to get back and online again. It breaks me alot😔. Thank you everyone for giving time to read mine☺

[samlaw]

Thank you for the response ☺☺☺☺ i appreciate it C.C... regarding the first one you pointed out.

First. Have a video call before meeting at all costs. Even if it's a brief one. I know you both trust each other but it's for safety reasons.


Yeah thats what were still working on since his mom might find out. It will just trouble him sad to say. But he have sent 100+pics already the moment i ask him. He also sent videos of him with his dog and family pics and videos with his family during christmas. And im not good with english either especially in talking i get nervous thats why he insisted we do it when im ready. But thank you ill take note of it☺

[samlaw]

Second, how his mother acts is unacceptable. It is okay to be angry at her son's behaviour, but physically getting in the way and grounding AN ADULT is not. He lives in a toxic environment and he needs to move out.

Yeah he told me his mother is just like that ever since he was a kid. When he was 11yrs old he got kicked out in the house for 3days same with his father. He just now go along with his mom's rule afraid might destroy his phone. I really worries alot for him. He always get shouted at and i asked him if hes okay with that and he said he is now used to it. I cried that time i also feel the pain he's going through. Now i dont know if he's doing fine or what but i know hes calmer than anyone else and have a very positive persobality. Before he met, he already planned to move out already he even pays rent for staying in his parent's house. His mom just resent him that much.😔😢

[samlaw]

Third, being clingy isn't a default characteristic you can be ok about and say "I am clingy what can I do". You CAN work on yourself and improve. Question yourself all the time: "it's hard and I feel awful but am I being clingy? Do I have a reason to feel this awful?"

Yes all the time i am clingy i told him about it and he said hes find with that and he likes it. But he warned ill just get hurt if i just get too clingy coz there will be times he wont be around to chat with and he was right😣 it really was devastating. I want his time but i cant be greedy. He told me about it that once he moved out things will fall back into place again. I firmly hope so.✊

[samlaw]

Thank you Sun_king for the response ☺☺ and happy new year too. I joined here so i can relate my situation and get some advice too.

And thank you for giving time to write one. My partner really isnt that close with his parents he said he have one sibling and a girl. His mom treats him that way coz of his lazyness😔. He wont get to university too even though he wants it coz his mom told him he will just fail anyway. But my partner really wants to try coz he is motivated now that he wants to support a family of his own someday with me. When he was younger he fights back but now he learned not to coz it will just make his mom mad at him and worst might again kick him out. He is still saving money coz the every month pay he gets from his work he gives a big portion to his family. Thats why he just still got little amount with him. Now the video calls yeah were working on it when he will move out though since he is avoiding troubles from his family. But he already sent videos of him though and 100+pics everytime i asked even though he hates selfies of him. He even sent pics of his family too and christmas video opening gifts. He sang songs for me all japanese anime ost though hahahaha coz he only sings japanese and hate english cox of hes accent. I love him so much sorry for the rant. Yeah im trying not to be clingy its my first time to be in a relationship tbh so it was all really new to me same as with him. Yes we always tell each other that my first and will be the last.😊 thank you. Ill take note all your advices.

[Sun_King]

Thank you Sun_king for the response ☺☺ and happy new year too. I joined here so i can relate my situation and get some advice too.

And thank you for giving time to write one. My partner really isnt that close with his parents he said he have one sibling and a girl. His mom treats him that way coz of his lazyness��. He wont get to university too even though he wants it coz his mom told him he will just fail anyway. But my partner really wants to try coz he is motivated now that he wants to support a family of his own someday with me. When he was younger he fights back but now he learned not to coz it will just make his mom mad at him and worst might again kick him out. He is still saving money coz the every month pay he gets from his work he gives a big portion to his family. Thats why he just still got little amount with him. Now the video calls yeah were working on it when he will move out though since he is avoiding troubles from his family. But he already sent videos of him though and 100+pics everytime i asked even though he hates selfies of him. He even sent pics of his family too and christmas video opening gifts. He sang songs for me all japanese anime ost though hahahaha coz he only sings japanese and hate english cox of hes accent. I love him so much sorry for the rant. Yeah im trying not to be clingy its my first time to be in a relationship tbh so it was all really new to me same as with him. Yes we always tell each other that my first and will be the last.�� thank you. Ill take note all your advices.

Thank you as wll for responding. Opening up your situation for others to assess/critique was a good first step and gives others more insight into the type of person you are. I found this place for the purpose of finding others who can relate and how their combined resolve allows them to flourish in an LDR. Admittedly it didn't feel like a real relationship to me at first, but what did I really know? I gave it a shot and we're at a pretty happy place with me trying to be secret santa with all my plans (though she says she doesn't like surprises but then there are her reactions, lol). Though my only real romantic relationship, I've been learning pretty fast over the course of about 6 months since I began my own. Anyway, tell him to keep pushing for university even harder. I'm a gamer as well so I get he likes to use them for entertainment, artful interactive storytelling, and just a pure helping of escapism, but the hell he currently is in is only a temporary one. He could also go to a trade/vocational school just to learn a new skill. When I was stuck at home and couldn't get a way from my repetitive life I joined the army; now I'm in a better disposition than I was those nearly four years ago I had to make that decision. Not perfect, especially since I'm intending to leave, but I have enough things in order for myself that even if I falter I know I'll ultimately be okay.

I want the two of you to succeed so you have to push him to explore his abilities, and not to become too jaded by what his mom does or it will never end. Good to know you've seen and heard him on multiple ocassions. No catfish in sight, I see. As for rent, I can personally relate as well as my twin brother. Strange enough he lives in a trailer owned by my mom's ex boyfriend (she met him before she met my dad, whom she never married) who is also trying to get his life together so it becomes pretty difficult to save money as well. If your SO has a full-time job, make sure he files his taxes if tax season is a thing in his country, it will give him a lot of extra money, surely, or atleast enough to make an initial move and payment on an apartment or house. If you're able, and have that level of trust, you could make a joint, separate bank account between the two of you where savings are untouchable. You're both legal adults, so you can start small. I used to have a joint account with my brother when I was a minor. I also used to keep my money in a piggy bank though iit was only chump change. So on and so...he seems like a pleasant person. Just keep pushing each other to leave your broken households. Keep up your medical studies, my SO is studying to be a doctor as well.

[samlaw]

Thats so nice😊 i was hoping something like that yours will happen to the both of us too. And yeah he somehow applied an apprenticeship in a company and learn the skill in it and now became his current job and got promoted too. Its just sad that we are back to no contact zone again his mom might have taken his phone again😢😭 and last time he was online was during my birthday and he said he had a surprise but didnt get the chance to say what it was😔 now here i am waiting again and staying strong as much a possible. I missed him and thank you for the wish though i hope we do really succeed in this relationship.

[samlaw]

Thanks alot for your responses reading yours motivates me to do my best as his partner. Im glad i joined this forum🙂

Thats so nice😊 i was hoping something like that yours will happen to the both of us too. And yeah he somehow applied an apprenticeship in a company and learn the skill in it and now became his current job and got promoted too. Its just sad that we are back to no contact zone again his mom might have taken his phone again😢😭 and last time he was online was during my birthday and he said he had a surprise but didnt get the chance to say what it was😔 now here i am waiting again and staying strong as much a possible. I missed him and thank you for the wish though i hope we do really succeed in this relationship.