Does this ever get easier?

[Smobrien]

I live in NY have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. After a lot of talking we decided to notify our roommates that we would be moving out of each of our apartments to move in together. Not long after making this decision my boyfriend got a promotion at his job that required him to move to Detroit the same month we were supposed to start a new chapter in our relationship.I had to scramble to find an apartment last minute and watch him make all of his plans to start this entire new life without me. I was a complete nightmare about the entire situation. I was angry and crying ALL the time and it was basically the worst time in my life emotionally.

He moved in May and we have seen each other once a month since then but barely have really spent much time where it's just the 2 of us. When he comes to NY for a weekend he wants to see not just me but his parents and friends and I feel like in 48 hours I don't get the attention that I need at all. I have visited Detroit 4 times and literally dread when is my turn going there. Our sex life has suffered and I definitly can't shake the resentment I have towards him for leaving. The worst is when it's time for one of us to get on the plane to go back to our cities. I feel like a part of me dies every single time. I got home from our last visit 4 days ago and I haven't left my bed since, I'm completely miserable I don't want to end things because I do love him so much and I know I'm going to be unhappy regardless if I stay with him or end things. Does this ever get better/easier? Because I'm drowning and I don't know how to get myself out of this funk.

[C.C.]

Yes your situation is awful, but isn't his career important and worth it too? Are you sure you want to resent him when he's doing what's best for him? And we all have to develop our own individual lives at some point too. It's not like he went and searched a job away from you as well, it's just a coincidence he got that promotion and around that time too. Wouldn't you feel guilty if he refused it only for you?
Also, see this as a test to your relationship and just another hardship. And I don't think hardships ever stop to come your way even in really late stages.

Also, wondering out of curiosity, why can't you move with him there?

[Smobrien]

His career is important to me and I want him to be happy. This job has made things for him and I extremely difficult so I have my reasons for holding this resentment. I turned down a job to be with him first! I got another job and I have a contract and can't move there for another year. To be honest, I don't want to move there. I dislike going to there so much already and In my line of work I won't make the same amount of money that I make here in NY.

I have my own life, I do a majority of things in my life alone. I work and I try to keep a busy as I can but I'm so lonely and basically jealous of everyone that gets to be with their SO on a regular basis. I don't know what else I can do to make this situation better or to let go of this anger.

[R&R]

His career is important to me and I want him to be happy. This job has made things for him and I extremely difficult so I have my reasons for holding this resentment. I turned down a job to be with him first! I got another job and I have a contract and can't move there for another year. To be honest, I don't want to move there. I dislike going to there so much already and In my line of work I won't make the same amount of money that I make here in NY.

I have my own life, I do a majority of things in my life alone. I work and I try to keep a busy as I can but I'm so lonely and basically jealous of everyone that gets to be with their SO on a regular basis. I don't know what else I can do to make this situation better or to let go of this anger.

You have to realize you have choices. Everything in life is a choice. You can choose to be positive or negative about a situation. You can choose to see the good aspects or the bad aspects. You can choose to be jealous of others or be thankful for what you have. You can choose to continue to be resentful or to let it go. You have the choice to stay in the relationship and try to make it work or end it and move on.

[differentcountries]

Hi,

it sounds to me like your visit are very short, and that on the NY visit he also sees other people in his life. I can imagine that it is not easy to get enogh time off to have long weekens or even holidays.

I started a new job myself and if I am going to see SO at all before next summer, I have to bring my work and work every day the entire visit (or take out days without pay, if my colleage agrees to it, which I doubt because we are trying on a new scheme for our cases). We have however had more time together before - we have both been on month long visits previously - and we have done this for more than 3 years so we have a sort of pace now.

There are 2 things I want to ask you:

1) I know that your plans were changed and that can be very dissapointing, but I assume that he took the job as to better his career and perhaps improve your lives in the long run. Did you talk to him why he decided to take the job? Did you feel included in the decition that while it was odd timing, when work uppertunities present themselves, you take them? Do you feel let down by him? How did the talk go when you passed down your job uppertunity related to him?

2) For a long distance relationship to have a visit every month is actually quite good. I can see that visits get crammed when he sees his folks too, but why do you dislike going to Ditroit so much? To follow your story, if you visit him you should have more private time together, not? Do you dislike the city itself? Does he have time off when you are there?

You are still in the early stages - having done long distance for half a year. I have cried to much in airports. We started out as LD, which means we are not used to living together at all. To transition from CD has its own challenges. Feeling down for leaving is very normal - sadness is often a part of LD, but they are just feelings, they can lift.

This is what I do:
1. When I leave, I mentally prepare. I try to be sad on the day BEFORE I leave - often SO and I will lie in bed and talk about the future. We have made a pact to try to not cry on the actual day I go (I usually go to him). We dont want sad memories, we try to make it romantic or fun the day I go. It helps that all the restaurant folks are sort of cheering us on. Then I dont feel so alone. Also, I always travel with the same transfer taxi guys, so we know each other. When I go to the airport, I try to make the best of my time. Then I know that if I cry, it will probably be after I pass security/go up the escelators. If SO is with me, this is when I physically leave the ground he is on. If there is holiday time, I might cry in the check in, because I have to be there alone with all the happy families who have been to holiday together, including clearly international couples who closed the distance and started a family. The next point I might cry, is when I sit down at my gate. That will be very embarrassing. For this reason, I prefer to not sit down, but walk around the shops even if I dont buy anything. Once, SO called me when I was on the gate and just from hearing his voice say I miss you I cried and I could not care less who saw me.
2. When I get home, I allow myself one day to be weak. I may not unpack my suitcase, I may stay in bed and watch sippy movies, but just one day. In winter, I may travel up to 24 hours (at times more if it includes a hotel layover) so I am also physically tired from the travel.
3. Then day after, I try to get very busy. Preferably work, coffee with a friend, hit the gym and then doing stuff around the house (the I neglected while being gone). I may put on a cd with music from his country, or put on a YouTube program with songs. Then I might try to decide when the next travel is going to be. In the past, I used to give SO physical count down calendars - his friends thought that was super cute and would complain they wanted them too! Right now, the count down is less important, but for a while it felt like a lifeline - me having count down calendar in here and giving him a physical one where he would cross out every day until we saw each other again.
4. We dont do this a whole lot, but there are sexual stuff you can do long distance. We sometimes plan what we will do sexually on visits, for instance try out something new or I will bring a toy etc.
5. I find that it helps to keep busy and to keep in touch during the day /week/month especially over the phone. We do different things for each other. In the past I used to record songs and send them to him. Now he has started to record small videos and send them to me. We have Skyped from outdoors on our phones - we post tons of pics to each other. He sends me pictures of the cats he feeds and I melt

What is it you love about this man? How was he when you used to live much closer? How is he now? What is your wish for the future? Is he stationed in Ditroit for long?

[Honour]

At the end of the day, you have to decide whether it's worth fighting for it or not. Everyone has their breaking point, and it's ok to admit that. Sometimes a line gets crossed that you don't find acceptable, and you have to do something about it. Like R&R said though... being unhappy is a choice, you can try and make the best of things or you can let it go. But if it was me.. because my SO and I've faced a similar predicament (not exact, but vaguely similar)... I would rather fight for the relationship than let it go, because I don't want to imagine what my life would be like without my SO.