Is she lying to me?

[Mnilbe]

I've been in an LDR with a girl for about six months. We were living in the same city, where we met, but a month later she moved abroad for a placement with work, until the middle of next year.

I've never felt like this about somebody before, and she suggests that she feels the same. It took me time once she went away to get over my insecurities, but I'm almost there. I honestly trust her, she's normally incredibly open about what she's up to, and I do believe her when she says she sees a future with me.

However, she's been hanging out loads with a guy from work (she's living in a very male oriented country, and is a tomboy anyway, so that's not a huge surprise in itself). I met him when I went to visit, and he clearly was pretty keen on her. I got a bit funny about the whole situation, said some things I regret, and we eventually smoothed things over.

She was visiting me this week though, and I was asking how he'd been - he's pretty much her only friend there, and she'd barely mentioned him. She said she hadn't really seen him for a couple of weeks.

Then I did something really stupid - a text popped up on her phone, and I had a look. She's obviously been hanging out with him quite a lot, and now I don't know what to think. He's also sent her some really flirty messages, including inviting her to sleep at his, which in fairness to her she's not got involved with.

I know that I shouldn't have looked, and curiosity got the better of me - I genuinely feel bad about it. However, why would she lie to me about hanging out with him (when she'd been so open previously about it)? And can I/should I raise it?

[Stanislava]

Id say dont be hard on yourself for looking.I think its worth raising the question cause she did lie to you and is acting suspicious , hope its not anything bad and everything turns out good for you

[Honour]

You had a snoop and you didn't like what you saw. I'd say you have a legitimate reason to want to confront her about it, and I don't blame you. See if there's a way you could casually bring it into a conversation instead of an outright confrontation. Be cautious, but also be mindful: it could well be just something harmless.

[Mnilbe]

Id say dont be hard on yourself for looking.I think its worth raising the question cause she did lie to you and is acting suspicious , hope its not anything bad and everything turns out good for you

Thanks! I hope so too.

I'm still not sure about raising this, I have no problem with her hanging out with this guy, and I trust her when she says that nothing happened. But I am concerned that she lied to me. I'm just not sure whether it's worth telling her I looked at her phone, she has every right to be furious about that.

Urgh.


Honour - thanks. I'll have a think about whether there's an appropriate time to bring it up. There's no real way to raise it other than by saying that I snooped, though...

[Littlewhiteflower]

I was in the same situation 2 or 3 weeks ago. My boyfriend came to visit me. I snooped in his phone, saw text messages, and got hurt. The way I reacted was probably less mature than you did because I panicked, but I told him right away and we had a conversation about it. I thought he'd be mad at me because I didn't have the right to check his phone, but he said he didn't mind that I did it. It was his privacy but that he didn't want to hide anything to me. We talked about the problems and its solve now.
I strongly believe that the best way to change things is actually to be as honest as possible and to tell her how you feel and what you did by recognising that what you did was wrong.
If you recognise that what you did was not perfectly right and you tell her, it makes things better.
If you talk about your concerns, insecurities, or fears with her, things will most likely be better too.
It's probably hard for a man to do it, but it also shows you trust her and are able to open up with her if you talk to her. Keep that in mind
Best of luck.

[Mnilbe]

Thanks! I honestly don't think she has anything to hide. I got a bit funny about this guy before, and she's therefore probably hiding it to avoid making me do that again, but I'd rather know.

What do you think of me simply saying that I really appreciated her openness on the subject a few months ago, and that she has gone a bit quiet regarding it lately, and that's making me worry more? If she's got nothing to hide, she'll then tell me what's up. Or should I just totally come clean?

[Littlewhiteflower]

It depends of how open you normally are with her and of how comfortable you feel about telling her the truth. It also depends about how you anticipate her reaction. If you think she will react very badly for having checked her phone, if you think she'll get mad at you and fight due to her temperament, maybe you can avoid telling her the truth. If you think it will not affect her that much, then I would say to tell the truth. It's easier to hide stuff or to lie when you think the other person (you) doesn't know what is going on. It's harder to do it when you're confronted to the truth. I don't know if you see my point. Just go with the option that makes you feel the most comfortable although you should definitely bring up this subject with her one day or another.

[Shirona]

If you think she will react very badly for having checked her phone, if you think she'll get mad at you and fight due to her temperament, maybe you can avoid telling her the truth.

Really? He's concerned that his girlfriend might have lied to him and the suggestion is to (indirectly) lie to her? No. He invaded her privacy, he should face the consequences. Her behavior doesn't excuse his, and in this case he's not even sure if she actually did lie.

They should have an honest conversation about it.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I was not telling to lie to her. I was simply telling that there are ways to say things that are less direct and, for the own good of a relationship or a person, sometimes, it is better to have a different approach. Some people have a bad temper. Some others are easily hurt. You have to be careful with the way someone can react to something like that.

I don't know what is the point in trying to hide everything that is in a cellphone in our society. I have zero secret for my boyfriend who can check my cellphone whenever he wants and he told me the same. If someone has something to hide, I truly believe there is dishonestly in the relationship. It's okay to have privacy, it's okay if you don't want your partner to see all the conversation you have with someone else. However, I just don't care about my cellphone being checked and i would never fight my boyfriend for doing it. I have nothing to hide. And there would be no "bad" consequences to his actions if he did it.

People have different ways to react. Maybe this girl will react badly or will say "I don't mind at all about you checking my phone" Who know ? The best would be to tell the truth. To tell her "I snooped in your phone. I'm sorry about that. I know it's not right but I found that and that stuff and I needed to tell you about it as it's bothering me". But if he doesn't feel comfortable enough about being direct, he can find other solutions. I didn't mean it in the sense of lying.

[sasad]

I was not telling to lie to her. I was simply telling that there are ways to say things that are less direct and, for the own good of a relationship or a person, sometimes, it is better to have a different approach. Some people have a bad temper. Some others are easily hurt. You have to be careful with the way someone can react to something like that.

I don't know what is the point in trying to hide everything that is in a cellphone in our society. I have zero secret for my boyfriend who can check my cellphone whenever he wants and he told me the same. If someone has something to hide, I truly believe there is dishonestly in the relationship. It's okay to have privacy, it's okay if you don't want your partner to see all the conversation you have with someone else. However, I just don't care about my cellphone being checked and i would never fight my boyfriend for doing it. I have nothing to hide. And there would be no "bad" consequences to his actions if he did it.

People have different ways to react. Maybe this girl will react badly or will say "I don't mind at all about you checking my phone" Who know ? The best would be to tell the truth. To tell her "I snooped in your phone. I'm sorry about that. I know it's not right but I found that and that stuff and I needed to tell you about it as it's bothering me". But if he doesn't feel comfortable enough about being direct, he can find other solutions. I didn't mean it in the sense of lying.

Lying is lying.... there really aren't other solutions...a half truth is still not the truth.
He snooped. Bottom line. He needs to own up to that and explain why.

OP. I work in a male dominant field. My so trust me even if other guys hit on me. He knows I will not do anything to jeapordize us. And if you so is like me, it's a fine and hard line to walk. You either trust her or you don't.

[C.C.]

I don't know what is the point in trying to hide everything that is in a cellphone in our society. I have zero secret for my boyfriend who can check my cellphone whenever he wants and he told me the same. If someone has something to hide, I truly believe there is dishonestly in the relationship. It's okay to have privacy, it's okay if you don't want your partner to see all the conversation you have with someone else. However, I just don't care about my cellphone being checked and i would never fight my boyfriend for doing it. I have nothing to hide. And there would be no "bad" consequences to his actions if he did it.

He did check the actual conversation. Directly or indirectly.
Aand as for privacy, no way I'd ever let a SO read the personal and private stuff my friends share with me, I usually told my former SO lots of stuff I found okay to be told anyway and never hid anything, even when things were rough, but I'd never just be ok with someone who has my phone reading anything.
Does that mean I don't trust someone or that there was dishonesty between me and my then SO? No. Not at all, the opposite. I just like my own privacy.

[iHippie]

I would confront her. Be honest about the snooping, I think it's wiser to deal with her dishonesty by being honest yourself. Hopefully she's only hiding it from you due to your reaction when you visited her & met him. She might be feeling insecure about that, even though it was sorted. Still no excuse though, of course. I hope the two of you can work past the issue & move on happily

[hmrambling]

OP, while you are concerned about whether or not she is lying to you, you have not been completely honest with her about reading the messages on her phone. Because my conscience demands that I keep my side of the street clean, I would tell her that I looked at her phone. Also, to read her messages is a demonstration of mistrust. What compelled you to read her messages? Had she specifically given you permission to do so?

Tell her that you looked in her phone, and be direct about your concerns. Strangers on the internet don't know what's going on between her coworker and her.

[lovestoread]

Id say dont be hard on yourself for looking.I think its worth raising the question cause she did lie to you and is acting suspicious , hope its not anything bad and everything turns out good for you

I agree,I hope and wish you both the best,and try not to worry