He gave up and I'm not sure we can survive

[Littlewhiteflower]

Hey, I've wrote a few posts here in the past and it usually helped me. So I thought maybe it was time for me to come back.

My partner and I are together since a while now and are both serious. We planned to move together next year. We had a lot of good moments together, but a lot of crisis too. We managed to do it and our first visit was perfect. We had an amazing and wonderful time together and are planning to see each other again.

We hit a wall though since he is gone. I don't think I've ever felt so unstable in my whole life. My SO and I ended up texting each other the other day and I questioned him about a girl. I regret what I asked about her but I did and I can't change it. My partner told me he didn't care anymore about what I was thinking, about me being insecured (I know I have problems on this side but I'm trying to solve them slowly. The visit we had helped us a lot to build trust and I tried to communicate my concerns very calmly, but he freaked out). He also told me it's like if he unconsciously decided that it meant nothing to care anymore. It's like if he had friend zoned me. He said he loved me, but that he felt like a relief to not care anymore about what I was thinking. He could never be mad again at me as it doesn't matter for him.

I asked him after if it was a break up. He said he wasn't leaving and we were still a couple.
Later on, he was calmed a little bit and I asked if he was still seeing me as the one, because he repeated it multiple times in the past, he said yes.

I sent him a message in the night. In the morning, he answered that everything was good (which was maybe for him but not for me).
I also asked him if he was serious and considered me as just a friend and he said no as he still loved me.

Im not sure where to stand right now. He said he would call me tonight but very roughly and I'm really scared he'll end it.

I feel completely destroyed since this happened. This is the first time we fight this way. This is the first time I see him acting this way and giving up.

Im totally lost. I think I just needed a place where to breath a little bit by coming here.

Maybe some of you will tell me to break up. I won't do it because in real life, we are a perfect match and i told him I could never give up on us. We get along well through phone. We can't do it over texts. I still love him. Deeply. I just have the heart in 1000 pieces.

Maybe I should retreat. Maybe I should take a break. I have no idea. I just know that I'm very scared of the call and I can't imagine my life without him.

Long distance relationship can be great, but they are not easy at all ...

[sasad]

You both have had lots of issues with rust from what i re-read. You looked into his phone and saw stuff, he deleted his FB account etc..
It all comes down to trust in ANY relationship, not just in LDRs

Maybe he needs to step back and reassess.. We don't know. Just like we cant tell you to stay or leave. But if you are talking a break, then you are technically not together. You say that in one sentence and in another how you wont ever give up. That is such an unhealthy way to be. If he stays away, you need to back off and respect what he says. Maybe its time for some self reflection as well.

Hope the call works out for the best.

[Chris516]

Hey, I've wrote a few posts here in the past and it usually helped me. So I thought maybe it was time for me to come back.

My partner and I are together since a while now and are both serious. We planned to move together next year. We had a lot of good moments together, but a lot of crisis too. We managed to do it and our first visit was perfect. We had an amazing and wonderful time together and are planning to see each other again.

We hit a wall though since he is gone. I don't think I've ever felt so unstable in my whole life. My SO and I ended up texting each other the other day and I questioned him about a girl. I regret what I asked about her but I did and I can't change it. My partner told me he didn't care anymore about what I was thinking, about me being insecured (I know I have problems on this side but I'm trying to solve them slowly. The visit we had helped us a lot to build trust and I tried to communicate my concerns very calmly, but he freaked out). He also told me it's like if he unconsciously decided that it meant nothing to care anymore. It's like if he had friend zoned me. He said he loved me, but that he felt like a relief to not care anymore about what I was thinking. He could never be mad again at me as it doesn't matter for him.

I asked him after if it was a break up. He said he wasn't leaving and we were still a couple.
Later on, he was calmed a little bit and I asked if he was still seeing me as the one, because he repeated it multiple times in the past, he said yes.

I sent him a message in the night. In the morning, he answered that everything was good (which was maybe for him but not for me).
I also asked him if he was serious and considered me as just a friend and he said no as he still loved me.

Im not sure where to stand right now. He said he would call me tonight but very roughly and I'm really scared he'll end it.

I feel completely destroyed since this happened. This is the first time we fight this way. This is the first time I see him acting this way and giving up.

Im totally lost. I think I just needed a place where to breath a little bit by coming here.

Maybe some of you will tell me to break up. I won't do it because in real life, we are a perfect match and i told him I could never give up on us. We get along well through phone. We can't do it over texts. I still love him. Deeply. I just have the heart in 1000 pieces.

Maybe I should retreat. Maybe I should take a break. I have no idea. I just know that I'm very scared of the call and I can't imagine my life without him.

Long distance relationship can be great, but they are not easy at all ...

You are over-thinking it.

BTDT

[Honour]

You are over-thinking it.

BTDT

Maybe you've "BTDT" but not everyone else has. And how is she overthinking things? Hardly helpful to the OP, as per usual, Chris.

Sasad has the right idea, OP. Without trust there can be no relationship, and it's especially important in an LDR, given the circumstances. Sometimes it's just better to walk away from a situation when you feel stifled. Maybe he does. His reasons are his own, as are yours.

[Littlewhiteflower]

Thank you for your replies.

He refused to call me finally. We talked a bit through texts and he said he was still in the long run with me, that he needed space to feel better because I pushed him to a limit but that he'd come back after a couple of days.

Maybe we won't pass through it. I'm conscious we do have lot of issues. He said he was willing to work with me to solve them. I don't think I'm done for a long distance relationship at the beginning but I carry on as its less than a year until we can finally move together.

Our text conversation made me a bit more optimistic and I hope this distance can help us and bring us closer (as weird as it can sound when you're already in a LDR)

Thanks again for having answered. I didn't really expect replies although it's a forum. I just needed to be read I think.
C.

[Chris516]

Maybe you've "BTDT" but not everyone else has. And how is she overthinking things? Hardly helpful to the OP, as per usual, Chris.

Trust and, over-thinking can be inextricably linked.

[sasad]

Trust and, over-thinking can be inextricably linked.

And totally not related to the OP. Again.

[hmrambling]

Maybe some of you will tell me to break up. I won't do it because in real life, we are a perfect match and i told him I could never give up on us. We get along well through phone. We can't do it over texts. I still love him. Deeply. I just have the heart in 1000 pieces.

It sounds like your mind is made up and that you have the resolve to stick it out. That's your prerogative and choice.

My concern here is where he says that he didn't care about what you were thinking anymore. Detachment can be good and healthy. On the other hand, having a partner who has no regard for your thoughts or feelings might not be so good or healthy. It's for you to discern whether he is detaching from your insecurities for the sake of the relationship or if he is communicating that he is disinterested in your thoughts and concerns.

Best of luck.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I believe he said that because of the anger. He said he could not be mad again, but I think he lose control that night and just was overly mad without realizing it. Anger can make us say things we don't really think..
I think he still care for me. Otherwise, he would have stopped to message me. I try to let him space a little bit as he asked.
I tend to think he wants to detach himself from my insecurities and my problems because it's not healthy for us nor for him. I'll see in the future how it is. I cannot say I feel secured about all this as this situation is a bit unstable, but I guess with time, we can pass through it. I really hope so.

Thanks again for your reply.

[Chris516]

Maybe you've "BTDT" but not everyone else has. And how is she overthinking things? Hardly helpful to the OP, as per usual, Chris.

Sasad has the right idea, OP. Without trust there can be no relationship, and it's especially important in an LDR, given the circumstances. Sometimes it's just better to walk away from a situation when you feel stifled. Maybe he does. His reasons are his own, as are yours.

I was only referring to myself, so give up your assumptions.

[sasad]

I was only referring to myself, so give up your assumptions.

C'est la vie

[erwin1973]

Okay, off topic...
What does 'BTDT' mean?

@ LittleWhiteFlower: I sadly have no advice for you. All I can do is wishing you all strength and wisdom to solve the problems you (yourself) and you (as couple) have and make the right decision. Just one little thing that might help: before replying: take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then reread and after that answer. For me that helps. I don't know if that's the same for you, though.

Good luck.

[Moon]

Okay, off topic...
What does 'BTDT' mean?

@ LittleWhiteFlower: I sadly have no advice for you. All I can do is wishing you all strength and wisdom to solve the problems you (yourself) and you (as couple) have and make the right decision. Just one little thing that might help: before replying: take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then reread and after that answer. For me that helps. I don't know if that's the same for you, though.

Good luck.

Been there, done that.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I think he is the one who will take the decision. He knows I don't want to break up. He is very silent since now. So I'm very very confused about what he wants. I'm not sure how long a man needs space. All I'd like is discussing of our issues. I guess boys and girls deal with fights in a different way 😔

[R&R]

I think he is the one who will take the decision. He knows I don't want to break up. He is very silent since now. So I'm very very confused about what he wants. I'm not sure how long a man needs space. All I'd like is discussing of our issues. I guess boys and girls deal with fights in a different way ��

Whether a male or female, you are both adults and need to deal with issues that come up as a couple. Sometimes they can be worked through and sometimes you find out it's not the right relationship for you. Yes, sometimes people need a little time to gather their thoughts and to be able to put together what they want to say - but "breaks" in a relationship generally don't tend to work out. Whether you are CD or LDR, you have to be able to discuss what is bothering you with your partner and work together to get back on track. Neither of you are mind readers, so you have to talk, no matter how hard the conversation may be. I mean, if the two of you can't even talk about this, how are you ever going to handle the big issues that come down the road?